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Old 07-10-2005, 06:45 AM   #1
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Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Just thought I would start a new thread, with the new news.
My son called me from the detox he was in on Friday a.m. and told me to come get him because my insurance refused him to stay inpatient there. I said to him, you aren't coming home, and he said, I know, I already called the other place and signed myself in for 28 days. I picked him up at the detox and brought him to the other and I feel really good about him being there. I know in the end it's up to him, but I know people who have been to this rehab and a few years later are still clean and speak very, very highly of it.
His counselor came out and introduced herself to me and gave me her number and direct extension and told me she would take care of everything with the courts and whatever we need and that she would be in touch.
What I like about this place is that it is very strict and structured and you have chores and you have to earn priviledges. He's only allowed a few phone calls a week and visitors on Saturday, 2 family members over 18. His girlfriend cannot call or go to visit him, so this will give him 28 days to worry about himself and not when he can call her and if she can get up to visit. I have to call on Monday and find out what else they offer, because from what I'm told, they also hold family meetings, which is one thing we all need to get through this.
My daughter told me that his girlfriend, who checked herself into a 30 program a week ago, and back out after 4 days, got arrested again yesterday, and she thinks for posession and for selling. I have to find out more details and if this is true, call his counselor and ask her if we tell him and if so, when. She's supposed to check herself back into another rehab tomorrow just in time to miss court, but if she got caught selling, I cannot imagine this rehab game will work to keep her out of jail this time. My son thinks she wants to quit as bad as him, but I don't think she wants to quit at all.

How is everyone else doing?? Hopefully better then us.

Talk to you all soon.
Karen

 
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Old 07-10-2005, 11:35 AM   #2
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

The most powerful thing in your message was that your son had taken the initiative to get himself into another rehab - and he did not wait for you to do it for him.

This is a very encouraging development.

 
Old 07-10-2005, 04:48 PM   #3
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

I hope that means something. He knew he was not allowed to come home unless he did this. He called me briefly today and asked me to drop off some stuff for him on Tuesday, but also said that I would not be able to see him.

Through all of your posts, though it doesn't really make a difference, I can't tell if you are a mom or a dad???

I just know this is so much harder on me then it is on his father. He doesn't ask about him much, but I miss him so much. As much as I don't miss the not knowing what he was doing and being able to lock the door and shutting off the lights and just going to bed at night and knowing he's safe, I miss him so so much. Even though he's a drug addict, he is also a very special person and that is what I miss and hope someday can have back without all the rest of it. I'm trying not to get to depressed, but it kills me to walk by his bedroom. This will be the longest time he has been away from home. Actually tonight being his 6th night is already his longest time ever sleeping away from home. He really is a home body and I just still have to hope that is what will pull him through this, his home and his family and knowing that he will lose it if he can't kick this.

 
Old 07-10-2005, 05:05 PM   #4
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Quote:
Originally Posted by KFld
I hope that means something. He knew he was not allowed to come home unless he did this. He called me briefly today and asked me to drop off some stuff for him on Tuesday, but also said that I would not be able to see him.

Through all of your posts, though it doesn't really make a difference, I can't tell if you are a mom or a dad???

I just know this is so much harder on me then it is on his father. He doesn't ask about him much, but I miss him so much. As much as I don't miss the not knowing what he was doing and being able to lock the door and shutting off the lights and just going to bed at night and knowing he's safe, I miss him so so much. Even though he's a drug addict, he is also a very special person and that is what I miss and hope someday can have back without all the rest of it. I'm trying not to get to depressed, but it kills me to walk by his bedroom. This will be the longest time he has been away from home. Actually tonight being his 6th night is already his longest time ever sleeping away from home. He really is a home body and I just still have to hope that is what will pull him through this, his home and his family and knowing that he will lose it if he can't kick this.

He's a dad.
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Old 07-11-2005, 04:28 AM   #5
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Yes, I am a father.

Again, our son is addicted mostly to Oxycontin. He started at fifteen years old and is almost eighteen now. I have had to watch that nasty drug ravage his life. I watched him go in and out of minor withdrawals; scratching scratching, wide-eyed, panicky, pacing, making phone call after phone call and frantic for drugs. I also watched him go through full-fledged withdrawal and eventually detox. And then, of course, I have seen him go right back to drugs. I watched drugs turn my beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, caring young naive 15 year boy old into an out-of control completely disfunctional addict. We have lived more than two years of hell. I am glad that I had my wonderful wife to get through this together, but it was difficult to watch her suffer through our son's drug use as well.

I have or had a very close relationship with my son. The drug use put some distance between us - mostly because I became an impediment to the drug use and my son did not like that. It seems to be getting better, though, the longer my son is sober. My wife and I are together on getting our son clean and were consistant on our strategies.

Still, as you can tell from my posts, it is terribly difficult for us. I spend hours on the internet and going to meetings, and reading - trying to understand addiction and recovery.

Drugs did so much damage to our son and so much damage to our family. I know that there is still hope, but drugs just shattered our son's life. He went from a straight A student, accomplished sportsman, and very productive wonderful person to an out-of-control, self-serving monster. He went to flunking all of his classes in school and I don't know if he will be able to keep it together enough now to even get a GED.

We have to try to pick up the fragments and somehow help him get some direction. He has a lot more baggage now than he had before.

Like you, I love my son so much and it is so painful. When we sent him to rehab the first time, we were mostly shell-shocked, but hopeful. We visited him at every opportunity. We went to all the parent-child meetings and tried make sure that he went to NA and all the follow-up out-patient meetings. His drug use never really stopped. We didn't know it at the time, but he was back on drugs the day after he was out of in-patient the first time. Then things got worse and he want back to out-patient, and then they got really worse and he wound up in the hospital for detox and several weeks after that back to in-patient. He got out and went IMMEDIATELY back to Oxy within hours of his being released from in-patient rehab THE SECOND TIME.

Finally, he was arrested and went to jail. We could have posted bond, but we didn't. We knew that jail was the only thing that would protect our son from his own self-destruction. You think it is difficult to have you child in a clean rehab center full of caring health professionals; wait until he is in jail (and hopefully he never has to go to jail). I cannot describe what it is like to see your son in chains (yes, hands, ankles, waist just like any other felon) and see the hardened men he is sharing space and time with. THAT is difficult.

All I could think about was my son in jail and the terrible people he was in there with. He shared space with murderers, rapists, and bad, bad men. I thought about his difficult future. I visited him two or three times per week and wrote to him every other day. Worry, worry, worry. I was literally sick with worry. At the same time, it was a relief because I knew where he was. I knew that he was safer in jail than he was on the street. After a while, I could finally sleep again because I knew where he was I did not have to wait for a knock at the door from a policeman telling me my teen-age son was found dead somewhere.

Then, something good started to happen. My son was off of drugs long enough in jail that his head started to get clear again. By the time he was arrested, I could barely have a conversation with him due to the drugs. After about three weeks or a month in jail without the drugs, suddenly we could talk again and laugh again. After a couple of months in jail, he was making plans for his future and how he was going to finish high school. He was reading in jail and he was requesting specific books he wanted to read - at last he had some interest in something other than drugs.

Now he is out of jail and at home temporarily. Still, I worry. He has probation which is a stronger deterrent than any threat or punishment I can give him. Still, the lure of drugs is strong and I don't know what I can do to keep him away from drugs. He seems to be doing OK, and is staying off of drugs. I watch, and hope, and pray, and worry and pray and worry and pray...

Jail, as severe as it was, DID interupt the drug madness. Detox and repeated rehab (in-patient and out-patient) did not work at all. He was on a run-away drug train that was not going to stop to let him off. I am convinced that jail time is the only thing that stopped my son from the Oxy spiral he was on. In fact, I believe he probably would be dead right now if he had not gone to jail and had an interuption in his speeding train wreck drug use.

So, KFld and all of the other parents on this forum, I feel so much for you. I really feel your pain and I know your constant worry. When I read your posts, I feel the pain and the worry all over again. My own heart is constantly hurting even as I read your posts and as I write my own.

KFld, it IS difficult to have your son away for drug recovery. You go into his room and you can literally smell him and you think of him and you worry and wonder how things got so messed up. It is as if you child has become one of the living dead. Then you get depressed and sit down and have a cup of coffee and think about things and try to get enough energy to do something productive. Sometimes you cry, but you don't want your spouse or your other children see you cry because they hurt too and they need you to be strong.

The fact is that they have to be away from home to recover. They can't do it at home. We know that from experience.

God bless all of you suffering parents. Let's pray for each other's children and for each other's families. I am praying for all of you.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 07-11-2005 at 08:13 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 06:34 AM   #6
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Karen and thgtsreal,

I hope this is a turning point for both your sons. As we all know recovery is a process and takes time. I have been struggling with my son's addictions for 5 + years now. As you know he is still not well, in fact he's worse. I do have hope for him though.

Karen I hope you are getting the support you need. I would suggest alanon. There are many parents and loved ones suffering through the same things and it is comforting to be with people who know what you are going through. There is also alot of recovery and hope in those rooms. I wish I would have given it a try at the beginning but I knew best....

Prayers of recovery going out to your families and sons.

Patty
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Last edited by toomany; 07-11-2005 at 06:36 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 07:10 AM   #7
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

What a wonderful, wonderful dad you are. When I first started receiving your replies I was kind of taken aback and thinking that I was here for support and you were giving me harsh responses, to the point where I almost stopped posting because all you kept saying was to let him go to jail, but now I know why and I completely understand. In my experience, there are not to many dads who would write what you just did about your son and your families experience and if I was not at work reading your reply, I would have been crying hysterically because I feel everything you are feeling, including the walking into his room and smelling his smell. The only thing I cannot feel is the experience you have gone through with your son in jail and I pray that it doesn't come to that for my son. I am depressed and I am trying to get through my everyday. I have already started counting the days before he will be home, sometimes because I miss him, and sometimes because I fear it. I know he is in a safe place, for now, which has helped me atleast relax a little over the weekend and have sometime for myself, but just getting through everyday at work is tough.

I do have to get some work done now, because they have been gracious enough to allow me to do whatever I need to get through this, but I will check in later today.

Thanks for sharing all those feelings with me. It means so much to have people open up and tell me what they are really feeling, because it tells me that I'm not nuts for feeling this way.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 07:42 AM   #8
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Quote:
Originally Posted by KFld
What a wonderful, wonderful dad you are. When I first started receiving your replies I was kind of taken aback and thinking that I was here for support and you were giving me harsh responses, to the point where I almost stopped posting because all you kept saying was to let him go to jail, but now I know why and I completely understand. In my experience, there are not to many dads who would write what you just did about your son and your families experience and if I was not at work reading your reply, I would have been crying hysterically because I feel everything you are feeling, including the walking into his room and smelling his smell. The only thing I cannot feel is the experience you have gone through with your son in jail and I pray that it doesn't come to that for my son. I am depressed and I am trying to get through my everyday. I have already started counting the days before he will be home, sometimes because I miss him, and sometimes because I fear it. I know he is in a safe place, for now, which has helped me atleast relax a little over the weekend and have sometime for myself, but just getting through everyday at work is tough.
Yes, I know that I sound tough in my messages, we are up against a very tough enemy - drugs addiction. I hope that my messages help give some strength to others. Believe me, I am tough on the outside, but I hurt on the inside. We love our kids. We are scared. We are abused by the drug addicts in our lives. We feel helpless, but we are not willing to give up.

We cannot beat the drug devil by being weak. We have to be strong and consistant. We have to get our kids and loved ones off of these drugs and it is going to be a tough tough fight. Fight tough - win maybe. Be weak - lose absolutely.

I sure know the mixed feelings you have about being both excited and afraid about your son's return home. I REALLY know that feeling. Wait until the last few days before his return - oh, terrible.

AND I know the depression you feel at work. You go in and stare at the computer and try to focus. You sit in meetings and listen to the string of words without really hearing. You know that you have so much that has to be done and it has to be done well, but the thought of your addicted son is always on your mind, even when you pretend it is not. I knew that my son was taking drugs every day - at school, away from school - at home - away from home. I constantly worried, "Will he overdose today while I am at work? Will he die today? What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?!" For me, this was a very real concern and the anxiety plagued me constantly. In my case, and in the case of many others, my employer was not so sympathetic. You either run at a million miles per hour 100% of the time, or you are out. Period! "Oh by the way, I heard about your kid. That's too bad. Hope he gets better."

I finally realized that my son's addiction was not only destroying his life, but the lives of our other family members and myself. My wife cried all the time. My other children were worried, neglected, and victimized by their drug addict big brother. You heard my story, but my wife and our other children have their own stories with their own perspectives that are equally as sad. For the other children, their brother turned from hero to villain right before their eyes. They worshipped him before drugs and loath him now. That is a difficult emotion - to hate the one you love.

Drugs - so terrible. So very terrible. Why why why do people fall into them when there are so many tragic stories like these. The pre-addicts hear these stories; often right from the mouths of recovered addicts and victims. My son went through the D.A.R.E program and all the school programs warning against drugs. I talked with him all the while he was growing up. Still, he became a tragic addict of Oxy at fifteen years old. Terrible.

Last edited by thghtsreal; 07-11-2005 at 08:04 AM.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 09:57 AM   #9
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Thghtsreal,

You are right about having to be tough. I wish I had learned that lesson sooner. You are very inspiring to all the parents. My son did get clean at home. Never went to detox or rehab. Like you, I watched him go through terrible withdrawals. Oxycontin nearly killed him. He got into a head on collision with a tree after passing out at the wheel. Fortunately didn't hurt anyone else or himself. But he has remained clean for almost 6 months. His friend's suicide (also an oxycontin user), the accident, the threat of being homeless or ending up at the physchiactric ward again scared him a lot. Now, like you and KFld I worry about him staying clean.

He knows this is his last chance with me. I called the police on him once which made him finally realize I'd had enough and he was done manipulating me. It was once he realized that he couldn't beg me into doing what he wanted that he finally got clean. I am strong with him now but it took me two years to get that way. I hope your son realizes what a loving Dad he has.

KFld,

It sounds like your son has a positive attitude and wants to get clean. It will do him good to get away from his girlfriend and just work on his own problems and not hers. I know you must miss him so much.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 10:07 AM   #10
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Joan:

I am happy and more hopeful when I hear that your son has been clean from Oxy for six months. Oh, let's hope it lasts forever.

His car accident must have been horrible for you. My son also was in a car accident which was his fault. He said he was not using drugs, but we know now that he was using Oxy. I can't imagine anyone on Oxy being able to function at all much less operate 2,000 of steel moving at 60+ miles per hour. What a frightening thought to know that the rest of us are on the road with teen drivers high on drugs.

When my son was high on Oxy, he would sometimes stop talking mid-sentence and fall asleep. Once, he stopped mid-speech and fell right off the chair passed out. We couldn't wake him and had to call an ambulance. This was early in his drug-using, so we were not sure it was from drugs. We just didn't know.

I wonder if any of the Purdue Pharma execs (makers of OxyContin) have kids addicted to Oxy. Are their families going through this hell, or are their kids just going to college on the profits from the people addicted to Oxy? Hmm...

 
Old 07-11-2005, 12:57 PM   #11
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

I was in the pharmacy the other day and I overheard someone picking up their prescription and I heard something mentioned about giving them the generic brand of oxy's and I wanted to look at the person and say, what are you nuts, whoever you are giving that to, don't!!!!!!
That is what my son started on before going to heroin, but they must have been buying it or stealing it from someone's prescription supply.

I guess I just cannot understand why it is prescribed so easily when it is such a huge epedemic, especially among kids. It really does make me sick when I think about it.

I know we can't control the world, but come on, can't they do anything about this?????

 
Old 07-11-2005, 01:33 PM   #12
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Hi all!

I really hope that I am not treading here, but I felt compelled to reply.

I also have a teenage son, but he is not the addict, I am. I have been taking oxys and the like for close to 5 yrs. I have now been clean or 3 weeks, and I intend to stay that way. I have been reading your posts off and on. But for some reason, today, this really touched me. I think first, because I do have a son, and I know what I know, and that is, this addiction is a living hell. I would live it a hundred times before I could even imagine him going through this.

I also agree, there has to be something that can be done! This is just too, real, and painful to allow to continue. As for me, I do have real pain, which it was originally perscribed. But it wasn't long before I was taking more and more....... The one thing that has always made me angry is that no Dr ever, and beleive me the numbers are great!...really tried to explain to me what it would be like, should I ever stop taking them....The withdrawls are nothing shy of hell on earth!!!!!!! So, why aren't they warning people...Not that I would have heeded their warning necessarily, but still, I truely believe that people need to know just how HUGE this is. And since Drs are the ones perscribing it to people....they have a responsibilty to inform their patients..I realize this wouldn't solve the problem, but it could be a step in getting there!! Just my opinion..

My heart goes out to all of you!! You all sound like wonderful parents, and I think your kids are very lucky to have you!!
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Old 07-11-2005, 02:04 PM   #13
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

Quote:
Originally Posted by KFld
I know we can't control the world, but come on, can't they do anything about this?????
The reason nothing is being done is because the people who make the rules are too close to the companies that are making an absolute fortune making and selling these drugs.

Now that the FDA has approved the manufacture of generic oxycodone, prices will come down, production will be up, and the problem is going to proliferate.

If you haven't already, you might be interested in the website ( removed )

You can also write to the FDA and tell them about your conerns about Oxycontin/oxycodone. Get addresses from: http://www.fda.gov/cder/audiences/acspage/anestheticroster1.htm

Last edited by moderator2; 07-11-2005 at 04:23 PM. Reason: please read and follow the rules for posting websites

 
Old 07-12-2005, 06:43 AM   #14
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

This is a change in subject, but I'm having a really hard time today. I don't want to say anything bad about my husband, because I know he has to deal with this in his own way, but last night he told me it's nice not having our son around and that he's been nothing but a problem for years, and it crushed me to hear him say this.
I know he's dissapointed that this is how things turned out, but what chance does he have if his father feels this way about him. We came home and he continued to find everything around the house that my son has either damaged or done wrong, and just needed to remind me how bad he is.
My husband and his dad did not have a good relationship and his father never gave him support, but always critisized and my husband has a lot of insecurities because of this, including never feeling he gets enough attention from me, and this is something that is taking my attention away from him, and he's making that very well known.
I really can't deal with another pressure. I'm trying to get through life, work, taking care of my house and my family through all of this and, like I said, he has to deal with this in his own way, but it's much different then the way I feel. I'm doing the best that I can through all of this, but I cannot deal with this right now. He goes to work everyday and comes home and doesn't even ask how our son is doing. It's like it's easier for him to just forget about him and remind me about everything negative about him, like he has forgotten all the good. Is this normal????

 
Old 07-12-2005, 09:33 AM   #15
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Re: Hi moms and dads, just want to let you know what is going on

KFLd,

Its sad to see your husband acting this way but some men in general deal with things in ways that we cannot even comprehend. My dad acts the same way talking about my brother but I know its hurting him so bad to the point I catch him crying sometimes. He's just dealing with it in his own way, but you if it happens again need to let him know that that kind of pressure hurts you and does not solve the problem.

Katie

 
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