thghtsreal

Yes, I am a father.

Again, our son is addicted mostly to Oxycontin. He started at fifteen years old and is almost eighteen now. I have had to watch that nasty drug ravage his life. I watched him go in and out of minor withdrawals; scratching scratching, wide-eyed, panicky, pacing, making phone call after phone call and frantic for drugs. I also watched him go through full-fledged withdrawal and eventually detox. And then, of course, I have seen him go right back to drugs. I watched drugs turn my beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, caring young naive 15 year boy old into an out-of control completely disfunctional addict. We have lived more than two years of hell. I am glad that I had my wonderful wife to get through this together, but it was difficult to watch her suffer through our son's drug use as well.

I have or had a very close relationship with my son. The drug use put some distance between us - mostly because I became an impediment to the drug use and my son did not like that. It seems to be getting better, though, the longer my son is sober. My wife and I are together on getting our son clean and were consistant on our strategies.

Still, as you can tell from my posts, it is terribly difficult for us. I spend hours on the internet and going to meetings, and reading - trying to understand addiction and recovery.

Drugs did so much damage to our son and so much damage to our family. I know that there is still hope, but drugs just shattered our son's life. He went from a straight A student, accomplished sportsman, and very productive wonderful person to an out-of-control, self-serving monster. He went to flunking all of his classes in school and I don't know if he will be able to keep it together enough now to even get a GED.

We have to try to pick up the fragments and somehow help him get some direction. He has a lot more baggage now than he had before.

Like you, I love my son so much and it is so painful. When we sent him to rehab the first time, we were mostly shell-shocked, but hopeful. We visited him at every opportunity. We went to all the parent-child meetings and tried make sure that he went to NA and all the follow-up out-patient meetings. His drug use never really stopped. We didn't know it at the time, but he was back on drugs the day after he was out of in-patient the first time. Then things got worse and he want back to out-patient, and then they got really worse and he wound up in the hospital for detox and several weeks after that back to in-patient. He got out and went IMMEDIATELY back to Oxy within hours of his being released from in-patient rehab THE SECOND TIME.

Finally, he was arrested and went to jail. We could have posted bond, but we didn't. We knew that jail was the only thing that would protect our son from his own self-destruction. You think it is difficult to have you child in a clean rehab center full of caring health professionals; wait until he is in jail (and hopefully he never has to go to jail). I cannot describe what it is like to see your son in chains (yes, hands, ankles, waist just like any other felon) and see the hardened men he is sharing space and time with. THAT is difficult.

All I could think about was my son in jail and the terrible people he was in there with. He shared space with murderers, rapists, and bad, bad men. I thought about his difficult future. I visited him two or three times per week and wrote to him every other day. Worry, worry, worry. I was literally sick with worry. At the same time, it was a relief because I knew where he was. I knew that he was safer in jail than he was on the street. After a while, I could finally sleep again because I knew where he was I did not have to wait for a knock at the door from a policeman telling me my teen-age son was found dead somewhere.

Then, something good started to happen. My son was off of drugs long enough in jail that his head started to get clear again. By the time he was arrested, I could barely have a conversation with him due to the drugs. After about three weeks or a month in jail without the drugs, suddenly we could talk again and laugh again. After a couple of months in jail, he was making plans for his future and how he was going to finish high school. He was reading in jail and he was requesting specific books he wanted to read - at last he had some interest in something other than drugs.

Now he is out of jail and at home temporarily. Still, I worry. He has probation which is a stronger deterrent than any threat or punishment I can give him. Still, the lure of drugs is strong and I don't know what I can do to keep him away from drugs. He seems to be doing OK, and is staying off of drugs. I watch, and hope, and pray, and worry and pray and worry and pray...

Jail, as severe as it was, DID interupt the drug madness. Detox and repeated rehab (in-patient and out-patient) did not work at all. He was on a run-away drug train that was not going to stop to let him off. I am convinced that jail time is the only thing that stopped my son from the Oxy spiral he was on. In fact, I believe he probably would be dead right now if he had not gone to jail and had an interuption in his speeding train wreck drug use.

So, KFld and all of the other parents on this forum, I feel so much for you. I really feel your pain and I know your constant worry. When I read your posts, I feel the pain and the worry all over again. My own heart is constantly hurting even as I read your posts and as I write my own.

KFld, it IS difficult to have your son away for drug recovery. You go into his room and you can literally smell him and you think of him and you worry and wonder how things got so messed up. It is as if you child has become one of the living dead. Then you get depressed and sit down and have a cup of coffee and think about things and try to get enough energy to do something productive. Sometimes you cry, but you don't want your spouse or your other children see you cry because they hurt too and they need you to be strong.

The fact is that they have to be away from home to recover. They can't do it at home. We know that from experience.

God bless all of you suffering parents. Let's pray for each other's children and for each other's families. I am praying for all of you.