This is my first time posting! I just googled message boards on this topic, because I wanted to vent and get advice from those in the know about the topic.
Anyhow, I have been concerned for a friend of mine for a long time. We used to date, and he uses many drugs. At first I was looking for an escape from my life at the time and tried various things with him...ecstacy at nightclubs, "k", "g", etc. The thing is, that was years ago and I am a different person now and he is not. I feel mature and balanced and independant. I keep a steady job/apartment and social life. His problems seem to have gotten worse and worse. But the thing is, I still feel a profound connection with him and love him like no one else.
He is amazingly sweet and intelligent and makes me laugh, and it has been 5 years and we can't go more than 2 months not seeing eachother without one calling the other to say "I miss you".
However, his entire life is just based around drugs, and other users, and the entire 'scene' of it. He was smoking crack for awhile when we first dated, but knew that would 'scare me' so kept it a secret from me until he stopped (mostly) with this drug a couple months later. Right now it seems like he is a 'general junkie', not addicted to one thing. He will consume practically anything intoxicating...GHB, Ketacet, "E", meth, cocaine, alcohol...'what have you'. He tends to be up for about 3-4 days at a time, then sleep a full day, then continue with this.
I can't have him in my apartment anymore to visit. Once he came over to 'take care of me' recently when I was hospitalized for a couple days on unrelated things. I caught him snorting ketacet in my bathroom, alone. He later passed out in my kitchen, and I, just released from hospital, had to drag him into a bed to sleep. I have asked him not to bring drugs to my house, but this just pushed him to be secretive about it.
All of his friends, pretty much, except for me, are involved in this world. Most come from similar backgrounds; he comes from a generally balanced and very wealthy family. His friends encourage all this, and his family doesn't know what to do except buy him another condo in which to live in for free, or offer their expensive lawyer for his legal troubles caused by the aforementioned issues.
Sometimes, about once every month or two, he will be depressed for about a week or two. If I happen to be with him during this time, he is very upset about his actions and all the problems he causes himself and others. He once told me very straight-forwardly that if I really had a problem with him doing drugs, I would just not see him until he quit. But I just get really worried about him, being that there is no one else I can see who would help him at all, or even think his actions are wrong (his fellow junkie friends? His absent jet-setting parents?).
He is probably not the right person, romantically, for me. He was unfaithful during our relationship (while on hard drugs), and I know that he has sexual relationships with girls in the drug scene. I just love him in an indescribable way. He asked me once why I would even care about him at all. My answer was that I liked the person he actually was...the one that someone is, no matter what stage of life they were in, the person they were innately since they were born. He often says I am the most important friend to him, and he'd put me before anyone else.
So even though it may just be based on some unrequited love, I really feel (even just as a friend) that no one else is even concerned for him or cares, so I always feel a sense of guilt leaving him out of my life completely. I always feel like I should check up on him, even though I'm not even sure there is anything I would be able to do. For the past few months, I have been seeing him maybe every 3 weeks on average, and also dating other people.
Can anyone relate who has been in my situation? Or his, from an opposite point of view? Any advice?
You are as sick as him. You need to save yourself, and let him hit his bottom so he can get help. what sick need do you have to be with someone like him? You need to get some outside help or get to Al-anon. Lizard50
Lizardman....a little too harsh. This person poured her heart out and owned up to some tough stuff, couldn't you at least be a little empathetic? I am sure your intentions are good but your delivery needs some work. Just my take...
Last edited by keepongrowing; 09-02-2005 at 09:54 PM.
Let me tell you my story. I lived with and loved a man for 9 years. He started using crack about two years ago. I was totally unaware for the first year. When I found out I left him. Not only did I find out about the drugs, I caught him with another woman (she was totally nude). I had never had any reason to suspect his cheating. The drug made him a different person as his dependence increased. I moved three states away. Over a few months he finally convienced me to take him back. About six months ago he even convienced me to use crack for the sexual pleasures. It only took me six months to hit bottom. I have temporarily lost my child, my job and my life as I knew it. I had to tell all of my family and friends about my drug use. They were all shocked because I'm 48 years old, an RN and usually very strong, independent woman. But I loved this man so much that I was willing to do anything for him. I'm out of my home because he won't leave. I'm having to have him evicted from my home that I personally own free and clear. I'm having to live somewhere else. My child is with other family members and thank God is doing well. My point is that we all have choices to make - good or bad. I know I can never be with this man that I still love. I love the man that he was before crack. Unfortunately he hasn't hit his bottom and when he does, I think he'll be dead or in prison. Take care of yourself. You must come first. You can't be responsible for him. Ask yourself, "Do I want to spend my whole life taking care of him". Is he willing to rehab? You sound like an intellegent, caring person. But take care of yourself first. You are the most important person in my eyes. Hope my story helps.
In some ways sticking by an addict is enabling them to continue the bad behavior. They know that even if they keep on with the bad behavior, you'll still be around to pick up the pieces, you'll still love them, you'll still be their friend. Even if you aren't supplying the drugs or even condoning them, continuing to accept the behavior is a form of enabling. His parents providing him with the resources to continue are also enabling the behavior. It's time for some tough love.
I can see this from both sides. I am married to a recovering alcoholic & I am currently struggling to recover from an addiction to pain meds. I was in recovery for many years before this relapse. As an addict you find a million excuses to keep using. It takes what it takes and everyone has a bottom. It doesn't sound like your friend has hit anything near a bottom because he is rescued by his parents every time he screws up and he still has a loving friend who will support him no matter what. It took everyone turning their back on me the first time I got clean 11 years ago. The door was closed and there was no way I was able to walk back through it until I proved I had straightened out my life. My parents turned their back, I had no friends left, I lost my job, I lost my child, I lost the man I loved...more importantly though I lost my self respect and my will to continue on. Only when we are broken can someone really reach us. I was somewhat like your friend. I did everything and anything I could get my hands on until I met that bottom.
I can't tell you what to do. I understand how you feel and it would be very difficult to turn your back completely. But, it might be the best thing to point him in the direction of a really good rehab somewhere and wipe your hands of the situation explaining that you love him and are still here as a friend but can't continue to live with the fear and worry. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings around the country that are filled with people going through the same thing you are. They are support groups for people who love and care for addicts & alcoholics. They could lend some support and wonderful advice.
Best of luck in whatever you do and keep us informed.
hello, I can only tell you that all the love in the world can not save a person from addiction, alot of people come here to vent because the love we have for our addict. Is hurting us so bad.You have to help yourself, build your life and stay away from drugs. even if it means letting go. You can not allow him to pull you down with him. He has to be the one that will save himself.You can always make it clear that you hate drugs and what it is doing to him. and tell him to seek help but in the end it is him that has to wont it. God bless you, And you have a drug free life Okay Felicia