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Old 09-16-2005, 12:08 PM   #1
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WRONGPATH HB User
I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Hi everyone. Believe it or not I've been lurking this board for a few months now but never really signed up until today. I just wanted to share with all of you my concerns and see what kind of advice I can receive from all of you.

A little history; I was a heroin addict for 2 years 12 years ago (I hit rock bottom in 2 years, I was in and out, it was that bad). I got clean from that and to this day have never touched the stuff. My problem is that I never really resolved the issues (I guess) that drove me there in the first place; I never went to therapy, I tried several NA and AA meetings but never felt quite comfortable there. And so I think what I've done over the years is simply replaced one drug for the other. Right now it is alcohol and coke. I had done coke on and off throughout the years but it never really became a problem because it was a once in a while thing, whenever. Up until 2 years ago when I started hanging out w/this girl who pretty much did it every day. Ok so I lost control somewhat w/her for that summer but then stopped the friendship and went back to my normal self of just doing it whenever, once in a while. Then I met my current boyfriend who also was not a serious user, just like I used to be, if we came across it fine, if not, no problem, we just drank. Well, as of maybe 7 months or so it's gotten to the point that if we drink, we have to go get that too. And it's been happening at least twice a week, sometimes 3. And this is the thing, I had rhinoplasty (nose surgery) 9 months ago and my doctor specifically told me not to use before or after the surgery, and have I listened to him, NO! I used up until like 1.5 months before surgery and started using like 2 months after the surgery, even though I was scared to death every time thinking I was going to get an infection or mess something up.

So here I am, tired of partying like this. Tired of losing my sleep, tired of comign to work hung over, tired of missing appts. w/my kids becuase I pullled an all nighter and can't get out of bed, tired of coming to work late and just plain old SICK OF IT!!!!!

So for the last 2 months I've been researching outpatient programs and seeing what my insurance covers. But what do I do? I call make an appt. and then call back and cancel. Just today I'm determined that I'm going to make an appt. for next week and actually keep it. But see today I'm in that frame of mind 'cause I partied last night so now I want to stop, but in a day or 2 I'll feel 100% again and sure enough, it's like this thought never even crossed my mind, and then I start the whole cycle again. Don't want to do it, do it anyway, regret having done it, say to myself I'm gonna get help, don't follow through with it, and start all over again. Pretty sick huh.

And you see I think my problem is that in the back of my mind I don't want to give up everything. I'm afraid (I guess) of having to give up drinking. I didn't see it as a problem but I guess it is, it must be, if I feel the need to do it every other day pretty much and binge on weekends. That's the way it's been for me for the last 10-12 yesrs (probably since I stopped doing H). So that qualifies me as an alcoholic as well right.

My boyfriend wants to not do it anymore. We just had a talk about that last night. He won't give up his beer though; when he goes out w/his buddies, he's fine drinking only; the only time he thinks of coke is when we drink together. In my case, I know that for me to stop one thing, I'll have to stop it all, and that's why I hesitate.

So please, tell me that I will learn to live w/o ever drinking a beer ever again. That I won't crave it forever. That I can overcome this fear of living a sober life w/o losing my mind. That I can learn to live w/o always looking for that buzz, from something, anything.

Oh by the way, being that I'm an addict, ever since I started reading this board, I've become obsessed w/pain killer becuase that's what's mostly discussed on here. OK so now, I've even thought about ordering them online. How bad is that!!!!!! When that thought crossed my mind, that's when I said to myself, you gotta get help before you release that monster again. It'd be like going back to heroine. And I rather die than go back to that hell.

So can I please hear some words of encouragement? I have to make an appt. and keep it. I just have to.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

 
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Old 09-16-2005, 12:49 PM   #2
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flintrock HB Userflintrock HB Userflintrock HB Userflintrock HB Userflintrock HB Userflintrock HB Userflintrock HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Glad you're here. First of all, you need to decide what YOU want. Not him or anyone else. If you stop all 100% and it isn't possible for you to be around people drinking and whatever, then you have to stay away from those people. Period.......It's not gonna be easy...so don't think it will. If you came off heroin...you can do anything!!!! Decide what you want, and go for it.........you're always welcome here and there are lots of folks here that can and will help you!! you won't find a better place to come and receive help and encouragement.............BUT YOU GOTTA MAKE THE CHOICE.......

 
Old 09-16-2005, 12:58 PM   #3
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tripleair HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Dear Wrongpath:

I'm new to the boards so I hope that what I have to say is ok and not just dumb advice.

There is no one bad drug in my opinion. However, certain drugs are worse than others to kick. I was in your position for years and then the opiate:vico addiction came in. Since you did heroin, I"m sure you know how hard it is. The crazy thing is that to feel better, you have to feel worse, no matter how much self control you have.

Right now, you are in a situation where you can just stop and be normal. It is a question of self control, not withdrawal. So, even though you might feel like s%@%# today, you can feel better tomorrow. Appreciate that. Embrace it. Use it! When you are better tomorrow, choose to do something that does not involve drinking and bring your boyfriend too. Go to a movie. Visit a family member that could use some company. Volunteer for an organization of your choice.

The hardest and easiest thing you can do is to quit. Does that make sense? Good luck!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WRONGPATH
Hi everyone. Believe it or not I've been lurking this board for a few months now but never really signed up until today. I just wanted to share with all of you my concerns and see what kind of advice I can receive from all of you.

A little history; I was a heroin addict for 2 years 12 years ago (I hit rock bottom in 2 years, I was in and out, it was that bad). I got clean from that and to this day have never touched the stuff. My problem is that I never really resolved the issues (I guess) that drove me there in the first place; I never went to therapy, I tried several NA and AA meetings but never felt quite comfortable there. And so I think what I've done over the years is simply replaced one drug for the other. Right now it is alcohol and coke. I had done coke on and off throughout the years but it never really became a problem because it was a once in a while thing, whenever. Up until 2 years ago when I started hanging out w/this girl who pretty much did it every day. Ok so I lost control somewhat w/her for that summer but then stopped the friendship and went back to my normal self of just doing it whenever, once in a while. Then I met my current boyfriend who also was not a serious user, just like I used to be, if we came across it fine, if not, no problem, we just drank. Well, as of maybe 7 months or so it's gotten to the point that if we drink, we have to go get that too. And it's been happening at least twice a week, sometimes 3. And this is the thing, I had rhinoplasty (nose surgery) 9 months ago and my doctor specifically told me not to use before or after the surgery, and have I listened to him, NO! I used up until like 1.5 months before surgery and started using like 2 months after the surgery, even though I was scared to death every time thinking I was going to get an infection or mess something up.

So here I am, tired of partying like this. Tired of losing my sleep, tired of comign to work hung over, tired of missing appts. w/my kids becuase I pullled an all nighter and can't get out of bed, tired of coming to work late and just plain old SICK OF IT!!!!!

So for the last 2 months I've been researching outpatient programs and seeing what my insurance covers. But what do I do? I call make an appt. and then call back and cancel. Just today I'm determined that I'm going to make an appt. for next week and actually keep it. But see today I'm in that frame of mind 'cause I partied last night so now I want to stop, but in a day or 2 I'll feel 100% again and sure enough, it's like this thought never even crossed my mind, and then I start the whole cycle again. Don't want to do it, do it anyway, regret having done it, say to myself I'm gonna get help, don't follow through with it, and start all over again. Pretty sick huh.

And you see I think my problem is that in the back of my mind I don't want to give up everything. I'm afraid (I guess) of having to give up drinking. I didn't see it as a problem but I guess it is, it must be, if I feel the need to do it every other day pretty much and binge on weekends. That's the way it's been for me for the last 10-12 yesrs (probably since I stopped doing H). So that qualifies me as an alcoholic as well right.

My boyfriend wants to not do it anymore. We just had a talk about that last night. He won't give up his beer though; when he goes out w/his buddies, he's fine drinking only; the only time he thinks of coke is when we drink together. In my case, I know that for me to stop one thing, I'll have to stop it all, and that's why I hesitate.

So please, tell me that I will learn to live w/o ever drinking a beer ever again. That I won't crave it forever. That I can overcome this fear of living a sober life w/o losing my mind. That I can learn to live w/o always looking for that buzz, from something, anything.

Oh by the way, being that I'm an addict, ever since I started reading this board, I've become obsessed w/pain killer becuase that's what's mostly discussed on here. OK so now, I've even thought about ordering them online. How bad is that!!!!!! When that thought crossed my mind, that's when I said to myself, you gotta get help before you release that monster again. It'd be like going back to heroine. And I rather die than go back to that hell.

So can I please hear some words of encouragement? I have to make an appt. and keep it. I just have to.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long post.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:12 PM   #4
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Arememom HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Hi Wrongpath,

An addict is an addict is an addict. You will never be able to drink or do any kind of drugs recreationally. We addicts unfortunately don't have that luxury. I'm a recovering crack addict and I know I can't ever do any mind altering drugs/booze again. It pulls us in quiety, slowly at first. Think about the things you wrote. Drinking and then had to do coke any time you drank. Two, three times a week or year. It doesn't matter. You have to make your choices. You came off heroin, you can do anything. You know you can't hang with people who drink/drug. Will that be a problem with your boyfriend. Or is he willing to not drink at home. Is he willing to support your decision to quit everything. It is very important for you to have your wall of support. In that wall you put a brick up for every person or thing that can help you stay clean. And when you have the urge to use just pull out a brick. May a call, get on this board.
I know you said you tried AA/NA a few times. I encourage you to go to alot of different places for meetings. It is important to find that meeting where you are comfortable. They are not all alike. Once you find one you might like, go at least one solid week before you decide for sure that it's not for you. Get a sponsor at least. Even if you don't keep going to meetings, you would have that person you can call 24/7 if needed. Post and read this message board daily. There are alot of good folks here. A lot of different ideas and opinions. I'm sure you can find someone here also (probably more than one person here). Support, support, support. That is key. Without it alot of us wouldn't make it one day at a time.

 
Old 09-16-2005, 07:35 PM   #5
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Felicia65 HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

wrongpath, I think first you have to really make your mind up, Is that life what you really won't, Are you truly happy, are you being the person you really won't to be... If the answer is no. Then I would have to tell you to do some soul searching, and dig deep in side of you , It is possiable to live a life with out drinking / drugs and be happy.. Life is only one time, Think about what I have said, Don't wake up one morning an old lady still reaching for somthing to make you high, Go take with a counsler that can help you begain the steps, back to this freedom. And keep talking here it will give you streath and support, As far as the pills, and taking them from reading on here, NO< NO< NO...... as far as buying on line how do you know it won't be a Cop, or some crazy just getting your money, Leave it along you have enough to deal with, and Hon your boyfriend sounds like he has problem his self,. You need to pray about this, and ask your higher power to help you over come this......... There is a wonderful life with out drugs or drinking, believe me, is life really so wonderful now? Felicia

 
Old 09-17-2005, 01:51 AM   #6
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KaliSc HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Quote:
Originally Posted by Arememom
Hi Wrongpath,

An addict is an addict is an addict. You will never be able to drink or do any kind of drugs recreationally. We addicts unfortunately don't have that luxury. I'm a recovering crack addict and I know I can't ever do any mind altering drugs/booze again. It pulls us in quiety, slowly at first.
I do have to disagree with this one. This may be true for you and maybe the original poster but I don't think it is true for everyone - maybe not even most people.

I have more had a theory that people are "tuned" to certain drugs. I have always been tuned to opiates although I have had problems with cocaine. I drank way too much in my 20's I know. I even blacked out several times. I never did consider myself an alcoholic because I never really liked it. Nor did I ever feel like it was controlling me or my life was unmanagable because of it. No cravings for it. I had to change drinks every month or so because I would come to hate a particular drink. Nothing ever really tasted good to me except those that taste like milk shakes or fruit juice. And not the ones that kind of taste like that but only the ones that you can't detect the alcohol at all.

I tried but never could drink either at home or by myself. Only at home when I had visitors. I threw out plenty of champaign bottles since I could never get past the first glass when alone. Or dumped out the drink I made and got a glass of milk. Since I have been a hermit for 15 years, more or less, I guess alcohol is out for me. Drinking just seems pointless to me if you aren't out with your friends. You can't drink and read or watch TV or work on the computer or garden or anything except visit with your friends. Pretty much no activity is fun for me after having a drink. At least that is how I feel.

Marijuanna I hate. I try it again every 5 years and then usually try to get to bed about 5 minutes after I do so I can sleep it off.

I do think we always have to be careful. I want to make sure that after I quit the opiates I don't get into caffeine. I remember I never felt good on caffeine. I might as well stay on opiates if I want to feel crappy half the time. I think that substances we like we have to be careful with. Maybe for some people that is all substances. I wonder how many people here think that all drugs are a problem for them.

 
Old 09-17-2005, 02:42 AM   #7
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Blasterboy HB UserBlasterboy HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

KaliSc, I think you miss the point of Arememom, IMO an Addict is an Addict is an Addict and yet I can eat food without problems and yet there are many food addicts out there etc and I could go and on and on with personal examples of such like what you kindly shared. I would advice that you try and keep an open mind about your behaviour though; addiction and denial are two great friends!!!

The point is that if an addict gives up one drug and then starts abusing another drug (like the original poster WrongPath is beginning to realise about her Alcohol and Coke use) then that is addictive behaviour and as a Recovered Alcoholic it is not OK for me to socially use any drug of any sort and this includes the obvious like Coke, Heroin, Marijuana and all the usual suspects etc. Many addicts will try and justify that they can use one drug but not another, because of history and bad experience and I used to do this myself; I would have a few days off the drink and then smoke my brains out and say "look I can't be an Alcoholic I haven't had a drink for over a week and I donít miss it a bit!" This is called self justification and addicts are the masters at itÖÖ

WrongPath - I commend you on opening up your mind and starting to consider the depth of your predicament. You seem to be at an important stage of your life where you have a decision to make on how to move forward. My advice would be to check into treatment, JUST DO IT and don't think about it! Roll up on the day of check in (even if you're high, many of us have done that,) and allow yourself into the self discovery and initial recovery that Treatment centres can help us find; itís was an important step in my recovery, Iím so glad I had the courage.

I wish you the best in the meantime.

 
Old 09-19-2005, 07:11 AM   #8
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WRONGPATH HB User
Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Thanks everyone for your replies. To answer Arememon's questions, yes my boyfriend says he would support me if I decide to stop everything. I don't know how good he would be in acutally keeping his word because we've never tried it. There have been times when I don't want to go out and he'll then just go out and drink w/his friends. I guess if and when I stop, he will just have to do it this way. This makes me wonder what's going to happen to our relationship though. If he's going to be hitting the bar scene all the time w/o me, he's bound to meet someone eventually. But that's not something I'm stressing too much about. If he loves me, he should not jeopardize our relationship only because I'm trying to do something good for myself and my family. If he does, it's his loss.

I know he's not willing to give up drinking right now, and I'm not asking him to do so just because of me. He's in a different place in life. He's only 24 (I'm 40), he has no kids, I have three. And although he does drink a bit too much compared to an average person, he's never had a drug problem before (unlike me).

I called my insurance company on Friday and the outpatient that I had in mind does not take my insurance, but I got the name of a few addiction counselors in my area so I'm calling this morning to make an appt. w/one. I'll give that a try first and see how it works. I also printed a list of NA & AA meetings in my aread. I plan to attend one on Thursday, which is when I start wanting to go out and drink and do coke. Who knows maybe I will find a group that I click with.

This thought always keeps creeping back into mind: What if the only way I can stop is by hitting rock bottom? I sure hope this is not the case. I cannot afford to go there again. What do you guys think?

Anyway, thanks again for your replies. I'll keep checking back from time to time. Wishing all peace and health.

 
Old 09-19-2005, 03:41 PM   #9
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Re: I See Myself Heading The Wrong Way

Hey Wrongpath,

Sounds like you are planning on going down the right path. One Questiion? Why wait until Thursday to go AA/NA? Why not start today? You know the drill if you've been down this path before. I encourage you to go before Thursday. Go to different locations and I promise you will find the one that clicks with you. Take care and keep us posted.

 
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