Okay it may sound cheesy..but am I grateful today? YES! YES! YES! Like so many of you here just starting out or just thinking about it - I never thought I would make it through the withdrawl, insomnia, cravings, fits of panic and gut wrenching ache of loss. Yes loss..loosing my drug of choice was like loosing my leg, my partner, my best friend and my crutch. If you are feeling this way...if you are terrified of being without it...if you think it will never end and you can't handle it anymore, if you're thinking is it worth it? Hang in there.
It will get better and one morning you will wake up, open your eyes, take a deep breath, stretch, swing your legs out of bed and for the first time feel good, happy, grateful and alive. You will no longer feel like someone near and dear has walked away with your soul...you will come back and feel strong and able again. You will walk to the bathroom and realize you feel "different" and it dawns on you - you slept - you finally slept like a baby. You also begin to realize that right now - in this moment - the gut wrenching ache and the craving is GONE..it's not consuming you. The goose flesh, stuffy nose, headache, stomach ache, aching back and legs..the emptiness is GONE. The feeling of dread at facing another day, the feeling of panic and fear that you have really screwed up your brain and body forever - it's GONE. You finally feel like you again. Who is that person staring back in the mirror? The eyes have light in them again, there are no dark circles and bags, your stomach rumbles - not because it hurts...because you are hungry. You realize - your appetite is returning..you are starting to feel whole again. WOW!
Does it last forever...well no...you'll have bad days...but you have today to hold on to and it gives you hope. Hold on long enough to wake up and feel better. After that you know there is light at the end of the tunnel - you feel hope and you anxiously wait to feel wonderful again. Pretty soon you have more good days than bad - the bad times are more like moments now. A few bad hours...even minutes. You learn to cope and you learn that it's true when they say "this too shall pass".
I had 11 years clean. I relapsed and it took over a year to get back. But I did it. Here I am 60 days clean today. May not seem like alot to you, but it's an eternity right now to me. I never thought I could do it. I cried, screamed, begged God to make it stop, I wrote, I posted, I prayed, I cursed..but I held on damn it. I found my way back to NA - they loved me until I started to love me again. I am learning and growing still...there are miles to go before I sleep. I must work a program, I must be honest, I must resist the cravings every day...but that's all I have to do - take it one day at a time. I woke up today and decided not to use - with prayer and hope - I'll do the same tomorrow. But for now...I'm okay. Now is all that matters.
I am grateful. I have my life back. There is hope. I sincerely wish every addict & alcoholic out there still suffering could find their way to recovery & sobriety. If I could have anything at all...if I was granted a wish today it would be for all of you to hang on long enough for the miracle to happen.
A big thank you to all who have supported and encouraged me along the way. You know who you are. My greatest hope is to give back a little of what I have been given. If just one of you draws a tiny ray of hope from anything I say, from any experience I share on this board I have accomplished something important.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I found my way back through this board - it was the first step for me in coming to terms with my relapse and in finding my way back to the right path. Hang in there everyone - and if ever I can help any of you in any way - please give a shout. I'm not always "right" and I don't always have the answer - but I'll share my hope and my experience and if any part of it helps you - you have helped me stay clean another day by giving back.
Darn it BeginAgain, I thought I would make it through one day without tears. But you took care of that.
Congratulations on 60 days.
Thanks for all the inspiration that you give me each day. As you post to others you how it reaches out to us all. It's like being in those f2f meetings and people always sharing exactly what you needed to hear that night. I use to think it was really spooky how that happened all the time. Now I know it is God's way of reaching us and letting us know we are not alone.
Wow...I think I am going to print that out and read it whenever I feel like giving up! I made it 45 days last time and really thought I would never feel like myself again...it makes me wonder what would have happened if I would have just hung in there another 2 weeks! Congratulations, and thank you for being such an inspiration.
It does take a while Samantha and I think it depends on what you use, how much of it and for how long. Everyone seems to be different but it was over 3 weeks before I started to feel better. PAWS (Post acute withdrawl) can last a long time and can even sneak back up when you think you are feeling better. For me - meetings, therapy and anti-depressants have seemed to make all the difference.
Hi agentalias. I'm on Prozac. In the past they have tried Wellbutrin & Zoloft. Wellbutrin I could not tolerate. Zoloft was like taking nothing at all - except for the withdrawl from stopping it which was AWFUL. The Prozac has worked very well for me with no side effects.
I just wanted to pop in here about the anti-depressants... I took zoloft as well and it didn't do anything for me, except upset my stomach. My doctor put me on celexa and it has really made a world of difference. Since being on it, this is the first time I have ever really wanted to be off the pain pills! I really thing the anti-depressant helped me build up my emotional strenght and get rid of a lot of my anxiety. Freeing up my mind to be able to think about important things, like getting my life back. Whatever on might work for you, I definitely think they are worth a try for any addict.
Phil...I'm blushing. So sweet of you to say. I only share from my soul, say what I think is right and definitely make some mistakes along the way. But I appreciate what you said. It is true...if I could save everyone on here somehow I'd do it in an instant. You and several others here have touched my life as much as any of my face to face NA buddies. Don't get me wrong..they are very necessary in my road of recovery, but so are you guys. I genuinely love you all and care what happens to the people I meet here. I wish only the best to you and every addict out there - recovering or still suffering in hell.