Hi all - I am new here, an addict, addicted to oxys - I am rx'd 6 (80's) a day for a back problem but take about 10 a day, then spend all my money buying them to make up for the days I am out, until I get a next script. I have been on them for 5 years now and at this point I need to take them just to feel normal. I have been addicted to a whole smorgesboard of drugs over the years and have punished myself, tirelessly, for so long. I have lost jobs, friends, money, not to mention the self loathing, shame, embarrassment, disgust and anger that I feel for myself. I am having a procedure on 12/15 to have the nerve endings in my discs burned (RFA - Radio Frequency Ablation) as a final attempt to avoid having surgery. I think that since I have used opiates for so long - off an on since I was 16 - which makes 19 years of use - more than half my life I have been on drugs - everyday use for about the last 5 years - mainly opiates but really anything I could get my hands on. Only rx drugs though, I am too scared to smoke crack or shoot heroin and I don't like pot, and am not a drinker- anyway, I think that my brain does not release any 'natural' pain killers so my pain is much more exaggerated than it should be.
My question - I am scard to NOT use anything. How long does it take to feel normal again? How long does w/d last? If I wake up and don't take something w/in an hour I feel sick, like crap, and as the day goes on, I can't stand to be in my own skin. I throw up, shake, can't sleep, can't get comfortable, in and out of the bathtub b/c the only time I don't hurt is when I am under water.....and that's only on the first day. I thought the w/d didn't kick in until 24-48 hours? No? So, for those of you who have had the strength to quit, to stay sober, how long before you feel good?
I don't know if I have the strength to do it.
I don't know what to expect.
I am scared to go through w/d.
I am scared to live sober.
I am scared to not have drugs.
I know enough to have found this site and through everything in my life that I have lost and destroyed b/c of drugs that I have to stop.
I have to stop.
I have to.
I am weak, though and I don't know how to do it. I am already telling myself, that I'll just wait until the 15th until I have the procedure done, then once my back pain is better, I can taper off and everything will be wonderful. I am kidding myself, I know. I cannot take my meds as they are prescribed. I have tried.. I cannot, because I am an addict. When I am out of meds, I have contemplated suicide over going through the w/d, but my faith does not allow me to act on those impulses. I guess I just need to know that it can be done, as I have read some of your posts that it can, that you are doing it....good for you. I admire your courage and your strength and your willpower to do it. I need some of that.
Please take time to read the threads on here. They will help give you an idea what you are up against.
Tapering is the only way to go after using for so long. Can it be done? YES. Is it easy? There is a price you pay for freedom from pills, self loathing, fear and being sick and tired of being sick and tired.
We are here. Give people time to respond....begin again...aremom and others are incredibly patient and supportive.
I will check in tomorrow but for now know YES it can be done and YES you can be free of the prison you have been in for so long. Time takes time and putting a taper plan into place is important before starting your journey.
Maybe write out what it is you hope to achieve. Be reasonable, be gentle with yourself.
Thanks for replying. I have been reading and soaking in as much as I can tonight. My doctor knows my concerns, and says that he'll wean me off and says 'dont worry, we'll get you off of them', but he doesn't know what I do with my scripts and he doesn't know that I take more than he rx's for me. I am afraid that I can't do it, that I won't taper off of them, that i'll just keep doing what I'm doing.....I don't know. Maybe get someone to hold them for me and only give me the rx'd amount every day. But then i feel like an a$$. My husband is just as bad with them as I am. He has a much more extensive medical history and major major ortho problems and his docs tell him he's a lifer on pain meds. It's a long story. But how do i come off these and know that they are in the house? i won't give up my marraige. I feel like I have so much to battle, but then I keep telling myself that other people can do it, and other people don't have to take drugs every day just to function....I don't know. It's so overwhelming. I guess I really am just feeling sorry for myself that I got this way and that I have to do something about it. I keep praying that I'll wake up one day 'normal'. You know ?
I was where your at 4 months ago. I took Lortab for about a year. At worst I took 8 10/500s a day. I quit cold turkey on 7/25/05 and with the help of God,this board, and close family, I made it through. The fist 6-7 days are the worst as far as the physical symtoms. After day 3 or 4 you notice there not so bad. Next comes the anxiety and depression. That was the worst for me. It lasted for a week or two but let up a little each day. You mentioned your faith, draw from it now. Ask God to take this from you and he will. I wish you the best and know this. You have already taken the first and biggest step. You can do this.
Hi Jasmine - Wow, you sound so much like me! I too take pain meds for a legitimate pain problem and have a major problem taking them as prescribed. I've been on a variety of pain meds for the past five years. Up until about a month ago I was on vicodin. At that time I was taking way too much and talked to my doctor about it. He put me on methadone. Which I have also had trouble with. The main reason is that the methadone actually gives me that buzz that the vicoidin USED to before I got so immune to it. Personally I think my doctor has me on too low a dose of the methadone... but I have to wait til December and my refill to talk to him about it.
Tapering is a good way to go... but it is hard. You could also look into methadone to get yourself off the opiates. You also may be able to get down to a low dose of methadone and stay on it for your legitimate pain as well. But I really do recommend having someone else hold your meds. As an addict, for me at least, the hardest part is the mental urge to take extra, not the physical. I know you feel it will be embarrassing to ask someone to do this for you. But if it's what you need to do to start feeling good again. You could also check out a local methadone clinic. Check out some posts by TCHRIS. She and and fiancee are both on methadone maintenance for opiate addiction. They seem to be doing pretty well with it.
I know how awful you feel because I am goign thru the same thing. Right now I am trying to wean waaaaay off the methadone (no choice almost out and the script isn't due til 12/7) and my hope is that by the time I get my meds maybe I won't want them as much? Or need them as much. I am definitely planning on giving them to my brother to distribute. I was going to do that last time...but I did okay on my own for a couple of days and thought it was all fine.... well, it didn't turn out that way. I really hope that you can find someone that you trust enough to distribute your meds to you. It sounds that you, like me, need to have the "control" of the meds in someone else's hands. I know you mentioned you husband... does he take HIS meds as prescribed or does he have trouble with that too? Just wondering since if he has the same problem he definitely shouldn't hold them for you.... just trying to brainstorm for you!
Please keep posting. I have found this board to be a godsend! I found it by accident and it has really changed my life. I don't feel so alone anymore and that is such a good feeling. It helps me build strenght every day I am on here... - Tina
I was reading your post and realized that you and I are somewhat in the same boat. I decided that my doctor could not help me unless I was honest with him. That did two things, they helped me with a taper program that I am working now and it has cut off my supply, I can no longer get oxy from them I told them I could not take them I told them right up front I crush them and snort them. I felt as though I could not be really serious about getting sober unless I came clean with everyone, the doctor it worked ok my wife is a different story. I hope you can find the strenght to tell your doctor how much you are using, he cannot really help you unless he knows the extent of your usage. Good luck.
I told them I could not take them I told them right up front I crush them and snort them.
Oh My God - Dale - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - You just broke the ice for me. About 3 times now i have started writing a post confessing that the real reason I run out early every month is because i crush them and snort them. And then I need to 'do' one every two hours - They hit me faster and its a better buzz. But each time i erased what i wrote b/c i was embarrassed to admit what i am doing with them.
Today I actually took 2 - whole - and swallowed them. And they work. I figured if I can stop snorting them and really try to taper off of them at least then maybe I wont have to go through such severe w/d - I called a drug abuse hot line 'for a friend' and the lady told me that detoxing would be like getting hit by a freight train. Great. She also said that she used to break her own fingers to get percs. i dont know why it made me feel better, maybe b/c misery really does love company, but it helps to know that i'm not the only one who does it.
I got my husband hooked on these too. He caught me doing them and thought i was doing coke. When i told him what i did, he said 'set one up for me, if they're so great and you have to do them, then lets see whats so great about them.' I think he was testing me. I said no, that it could kill him, and it's not worth it. So he said, if you're gonna do them, then i'm gonna do them. If you're not, then give them to me and i'll get rid of them. So I set one up for him. That was 4 years ago. Now he's a full blown addict like me. I can't believe I did this to him. He has very very bad knees and a very bad back but before he met me, he dealt with it, took a percocet at night to help him sleep, that was it. Now his life is in ruins. Thanks to me. I have to make this right. Every day we talk about how we have to stop, how we cant live like this anymore, literally our lives revolve around these pills. But then every day we keep doing them. We keep saying that as soon as we get our pain under control......we'll stop. Well his will never be under control, mine will but he thinks he can deal with it like he did before. I dont know. I wish I could afford to do that rapid detox thing - I saw it on Dr Phil and it worked for the people that did it (so far). The did it at Florida Detox - but I think it costs around 10Gs. I'm just sooo afraid to go through w/d. I really am. I used to do worse stuff, really - before I had any back problems at all. I used to take drugs from work. Demerol, Dilaudid, Morphine. I used to inject myself with them. I lost my license for it. Still didn't learn my lesson. What does it take?
So Dale - are you off the oxys now? How did it go? Or are you still weaning off them? Can I ask what dose you were on and how you weaned or are weaning? Thanks! Jas
Yah ask me anything, I am or was prescribed 60 20 mg oxys a month and 240 10/325 percs a month. What I would do was blow through the oxys and then I would use the percs to keep me from withdrawls from the oxy. It was awful, I would do two or three of them, throw up here at work and then do another one I hated being sick but thats how much they had a hold on me. I would littereally throw up in my garbage pale here at work, that is where I started closing my door. And right after I would do another one or two. I would go through the 60 in less than a week. So I am basically off of them I cannot get them from my PM doc any more I made them put it in my record not to give them to me. Gosh I don't know how many times I have called and told them hey I am going out of town I need an early re-fill. I am sure if I had not told them about what I was doing they would have moved my dose up to 40's and then 80's that was my goal. I was reserching where and how to get needles I wanted to inject them, sick huh. I see someone injecting herion on that show intervention and I don't say ughhh thats gross, I think man what a buzz that must be. I hope you get some help Jas, but really you cannot expect your doc to help you unless you tell him what your doing he cannot even come up with a decent taper plan unless he knows what your taking. What are you going to lose if you come clean with him, your supply thats what you need to lose. I hope I am helping you, I mean I am not anyone that should give any advice I am so going through the same thing as you, I have ligit back problems also
I'll tell you the same thing I've told Dale. This can be done. He is so strong even if he doesn't see it yet and is working so hard toward his goal. You can do it too. It took alot of courage to come clean with the doctor but it is a step in the right direction.
It takes alot more courage to get clean than it does to continue down the road of destruction you are on. There are many options you can consider:
2) Straight Cold Turkey
3) Taper as low as possible & then jump off cold turkey
4) Suboxone therapy
6) Detox in-patient
7) Medical assisted detox out-patient
8) Medical assited detox out-patient and out patient therapy or group
The list goes on and someone will add to it as others respond. But one thing I try to introduce to anyone traveling this path is 12 step support groups. Narcotics Anonymous has saved my life. They are a part of my family and a part of my daily life. Some of the best friends and best people you will ever meet.
Addiction is powerful and it is very difficult to beat alone. For me that has been the key - support and stregnth drawn from a group of people who have been where I am and want to help me succeed in my goal of a drug free life.
I am here if you have any questions or concerns.........just to let you know....I am the EXACT same person you..........I never git caught at work.....if you have any questions feel free to pst them to me.....the best advice I can give you is listen to these folks on here, they are wondeful and if they sound like they are no it alls.....trust me..THEY ARE, they have been saving my life since early Sept, I was doing 1000mg of OC a day......yes..........1000mg and me and my fiance who is in college getting ready to graduate with his criminology degree titrated down to 50mg and could not do any more, we went on Methadone and beleive me I know what everyone has to say about it, but I will tell you it is the best thing for us RIGHT NOW, between that and the people on this board we have managed to keep it together and pull ourselves out of the darkness of the hole,,,,,,,we are far from out, but we keep trying, the people that have posted on your thread are some of the best on here, there is another ARMEMOM who is awsome also and will understnad what you are going thru....actually everybody understands, I guess her and the people that have posted on your thread are who i get the most fron, there are a few others i cant think of right now, but just stick around and you will find the strength to do this...this is my 2nd time getting clean, the first timei was on pills vikes, perks,etc....was on them for about 5 years,one day had enough,and quit cold turkey with the help of NA....this time was another story,the lobger you wait,its harder, the more times you quit and go back out,it gets harder,the older you get it gets harder, so i promise you it will not get any easier in a few months weeks years or however long you put it off, there are so many ways to get help and quit and you will be able to do this.............just post post post and we will all help..............take care...........CHRISTINE
I eveyone I am new to this site I am a 26 year old male. I have been taking oxycontin and percocet's for around 2 years. I have nothing wrong with me just started taking pills for fun. Yeah I know it was very dumb. I crush the oxy's up and swallow them. I don't snort them I have never even tried coke, crack, herion. This current drug though has got me my the....well you know what. Me and my girlfriend had 38,000 dollars in the bank about 2 years ago but with our habbit, yes she takes them as well. We are down to around 19,000 dollars. I have really gotten bad the last 4 months or so, taking between 160-240mgs of oxy or perc per day with my girlfriend very close behind. We make a combined around 1100 dollars a week but our habbit is between 800 to 1200 a week...see the money problem?
I have a question. I went like 2 days about a month ago without taking anything (I couldn't find any). Well the night of the second day, it had been around 48 hours since my last pill. I got 2 80mgs from a friend. me and my gf split one right away. Before I took the pill I was in so much pain I was breaking down almost in tears. It was like a 11 out of 10 on a pain scale. I could hardly handle it. Well after we spilt the 80 we felt great!! We hung out a while and went to bed. I woke up feeling pretty decent. Better than I normally do when I took a bunch more pills near bed time. Well we normally would take a pill right when we woke up but since we only had one left we waited (didn't want to be out). Well this day it was like the pain scale was down from 11 to like 3or4 out of 10. The main problem was then mental. Knowing that other pill was there was eating at us both but we didn't take it. I woke up around 10am that day and around 5pm a friend called and had some OC 20mg for me so I went and got them partly out of fear since I had felt so bad before. We ended up waiting till around 9 or 10pm and caved and took a few 20's and were right back on the horse.
Anyone who has gone thru this was it possible that if I hadn't took the extra pills the next day that the worst pain might have already been behind me? I mean it was like the 80 I spilt the night before helped stop my body from going thru the shock it was going thru. I am wondering could I have been alot closer to being over the physical part than I thought at that time.
Cause when I'm on them normally and taking them alot when the pill runs out I start hurting rather fast. Like say I took 4 perc 10's at 4pm and went to bed a 1am I would already normally be in some moderate pain before bed that quik making it kinda hard to sleep. I just thought it was odd I felt as good as I did the day after I split that 80. Of course I let the mental part get to me.
Does any one else who has been thru similer things think I could have been thru the worst part of the pain? Or was it going to come back the next day? Like could it have stayed at a 3or 4 out of 10 for a whole day even though it was the night before that I took the pill and then the day after I had the 3or4 out of 10 day I would have went back to a 10 out of 10 day?
First I'd suggest you start a new thread so we can keep up with you. If you really want to be drug free it can be done. There are lots of ways to get there - if you've read any of the threads on this board you know that there are alot of people who are clean, working on it or considering it. As I see it here are your options:
1) Continue down the path you are on - you should know that it only leads to jail, institutions or death
2) Taper & then stop
3) Cold Turkey
5) Methadone or Sub Maintenance
6) Out patient rehab and group
Any route you choose is going to take committment and hard work. You will also need support and it will be important that you cut off your sources - period. If the option to get more and go back is there I have found that it is entirely too tempting. For support you will of course have us here at healthboards - but I strongly recommend face to face support in the form of a 12 step group like Narcotcs Anonymous.
Taper and Cold Turkey are painful. The physical withdrawls are hell and there is no way to sugar coat it. It does pass. Taper helps ease these symptoms somewhat, but it is frequently very very difficult to stay on a taper plan. You must have a rock solid committment to make a taper work - for me it wasn't an option - if I had it I'd take it. My drug of choice was not Oxy - but was an opiate medication so it's similar. They say Oxy is harder and I'm grateful I haven't had to find out - mine was bad enough.
Read as many posts on the board as you can. Philster, Arememom, Buzzkiller, Tina76, valleygirl are the ones that come first to mind. Regardless of the drug of choice - the hell is the same physically and emotionally for most of us. I should warn you in all fairness that after the physical withdrawl - the emotional and the cravings were the absolute worst part for me and took the longest to get through. I looked at the physical like a bad case of the flu which is what it basically felt like. About 4 days to a week and the physical is manageable. There are over the counter medications you can take to help dull the withdrawl symptoms - like Advil, Immodium, Melatonin for sleep, hot baths, lots of fluids, etc.. You'll read alot of suggestions about this.
I mentioned Buzzkiller - he is in the middle of a taper plan for Oxy's and even if he doesn't think so he's making great progress. You might read some of his posts and responses to see what kind of support and suggestions he's gotten. It will be the same for you if you need it. We will be here.
The very first step is admitting there is a problem and figuring out that the drugs control you - not the other way around. From there anything is possible. Sounds like you are still on the fence a bit - even if you do have the desire to stop. I can tell you life is better - far better than you can imagine without chasing that high. Maybe you can remember what it was like before the drugs controlled you.
Give a shout if you need support or help. We'll be here.