Not sure if this should be posted here or on the sleep disorder forum, but I'll start here.
A question has been plaguing me for awhile. For some reason, I need to understand what was going on with my ex. (I'm curious by nature).
He is and has been an alcoholic for over 25 of his 45 years. He also has serious anger issues.
I had noticed that on several occasions, after he would pass out, within 30 - 60 minutes he would have complete, outloud conversations. There were times I thought someone else was in the room with him, or he was on the cellphone, or it was the tv. Nope...it was him. Talking to himself...his eyes closed. His facial expressions very much in sinc with what he was saying.
One of the most disturbing was when he was 'supposedly' talking to me (I had already been in the bedroom by myself for hours, so it's not like I just left the room and he thought I was still there with him). He was saying that he was going to hurt me real bad, so that I couldn't move, and was then going to my parents house to kill them. And, he was going to make me watch him hurting/killing them. He was very clear...not at all hard to understand. He was laughing at the thought of my witnessing the horror of him killing my parents and because I was hurt so bad, I wouldn't be able to stop him. Oh yeah, almost forgot....he also said that now I'll understand the pain of losing a parent....what it feels like...and what he's been going through. (His Mom died when he was 17....a year 'after' he began his drinking career).
Is this something that alcoholics do? Talk like that while passed out? I've heard of possible hallucinations while detoxing, but he had been drinking right up to that point. Could this be something in addition to alcoholism, anger issues, like maybe some sort of personality disorder or something? I'm just curious if anyone could shed some light on this. Thanks!
Last edited by Gianna2; 12-28-2005 at 08:40 AM.
Reason: Typos - sorry!
I have known many alcoholics in my life. My mother is one. She will sometimes mumble in her sleep like she is actually acting out what is happening in a dream etc... So I'm assuming that THAT part of it is something that could be normal with heavy drinking. What concerns me however is WHAT he was saying. That is NOT normal. OR okay. Yes, he was asleep. But they say that our dreams are just ways of acting out our subconcious desires. Now, I'm not saying that he truly wants to kill you and your parents...but these types of dreams could be his way of expressing out some major anger, resentment, etc... toward you and possibly your family as well. That is something that you do NOT want to ignore. And it is very extreme for him just being a little upset with you... it is my opinion that he is holding in some deep, deep, anger toward you. Are you aware of anything like that?
Thanks for responding. I just want to clarify that he is my ex, and I do have a restraining order against him after several acts of violence towards me, and, threatening to kill me. So, I am out of the situation now, and hopefully safe, though he still contacts me while drunk on occassion.
As an alcoholic, he was always angry at me and blamed me for everything! Accused me of having affairs when I was away from him....(I was away from him only because I was at work), accused me of ruining his life (found old letters he wrote to someone a good 15 years before I met him saying how "he" ruined his own life with alcohol), accused me of taking all his friends away (he was advised by AA to change 'people' and 'places', meaning it was AA suggested NOT to hang out with his old drinking buddies, etc.), but, it was my fault according to him. He overslept from being passed out and I wouldn't enable him, as suggested in my Al-Anon mtgs. (don't do things for him that he could do for himself by setting the alarm clock for him, or waking him up....I told him in advance that I would not do these things for him, so he knew!), so he ended up losing his job.
Then, I called the police a couple of times after he physcially assaulted me, he was arrested, and the whole bail/court thing went on. I was blamed for that as well. One time I was bleeding profusely from the head from his attack...I needed help....he was useless.
Yes, I guess he was angry....I think really at himself, but because he couldn't own up to his own actions....I was the next closest thing.
I'm trying to wrap up so many feelings in order to get closure and move on...this talking in his sleep thing was an unanswered question in my mind.
I've tried to tell myself that the alcohol loosened his inhibitions and allowed him to express his anger, that he really didn't mean it. But if these thoughts are floating around his subconsious, then maybe he really DID intend to hurt me, and eventually, my parents. Hmmm.....
Again, thanks for the input. Gotta think on this one more.
Okay... good! I'm glad that you are already out of the situation. Knowing that re-reading your original post I get it now! I guess I was just so wrapped up in your story I was immediately worried that it was still happening to you! Good for you breaking out of the viscious cycle that is an abusive relationship. I've been there too. Not to the physical extreme that you were, but the emotional abuse was pretty bad.... something I try to help anyone else avoid. No one should ever have to know what that feels like!
Is this something that alcoholics do? Talk like that while passed out? I've heard of possible hallucinations while detoxing,.... Could this be something in addition to alcoholism....like maybe some sort of personality disorder or something?QUOTE]
Do other alcoholics do this....carry on conversations with themselves or someone else, even though no one else is present? Is this a result of the alcohol? Or, does this have nothing do to with alcoholism, and it's just some sort of emotional problem on his part.
Some people do talk in their sleep....but from my understanding, it's a word here or there, or maybe one complete sentence. But that's totally different from the length of the conversation my ex was having....and the content, yes, was extremely alarming.
I guess people here would say it's over...forget about it...but for some reason, I need to understand this better so I can put it away once and for all. See, I used to blame alcohol for almost all of his bad behavior; then I learned that physcial violence is a separate issue (even though he was abusive only when under the influence). It seems to me there's more going on then I realized....alcohol, anger issues, and.....????? That's the part I'm trying to figure out.
Don't want to turn this into a domestic violence post, but....he has been married 3 times before. His father informed me that he was physically abusive in the first 2...he didn't know about the 3 marriage or not. But I know....I found she once had a restraining order against him....and, he used to do the same things to her as he did with me...punching, shoving, choking, etc. (according to her preliminary divorce papers that I saw a copy of).
I think it varies from person to person actually.... Not ALL alcholics do it and some people do it when they haven't been drinking at all. My brother, for example... I can into his room when he is sleeping, wake him up (or so I think), and carry on a 15 minute long conversation with him (where he answers back etc...) and then he will go back to sleep. He will not remember ANY of it the next day. Or even a few hours later... He is still asleep. Some people sleep walk and some sleep talk. I think the alcohol makes it happen more for some because it makes you so incredibly drowsy, yet is really bad for sleep...doesn't let you get that deep sleep that we need and can cause strange and vivid dreaming etc...
So it sounds to me that if someone is able to have a complete conversation while asleep, that in itself doesn't indicate anything is wrong. But rather it's the 'content' of the conversation that indicates something is wrong, like in the case of my ex. Hmmmm....more thinking to do. Thanks!
...but these types of dreams could be his way of expressing out some major anger, resentment, etc... toward you and possibly your family as well. That is something that you do NOT want to ignore. And it is very extreme for him just being a little upset with you... it is my opinion that he is holding in some deep, deep, anger toward you. Are you aware of anything like that?
Just thought I'd share my interesting update.....I had another session with my counselor....same one he and I saw together for his anger management sessions (so she's not diagnosing in the dark...she knows him in a professional manner).
I told her about this incident where he was talking in his sleep...and what he was saying. That combined with a few other examples I gave her, my counselor has determined that he was 'jealous' of the fact that I still have both of my parents. That's why he was so angry at me. His Mom died when he was 17.
It had nothing to do with anything I did, but rather what I had, that he didn't have any longer! It's sad, that in 28 years, he still hasn't made peace with the fact that his Mom is gone. But my counselor pointed out that even though it still may hurt, he had/has options to learn how to cope with it. Instead, he chooses to booze it up and become physically abusive to not only me, but every long term romantic relationship he has ever been involved in. The next woman in his life will be no exception....just another victim of his anger and abuse...like me!
It helped to know that it really is his problem...I was guilty of nothing....nothing but being lucky enough to still having my Mom in my life.