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Old 01-30-2006, 04:36 PM   #1
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Angry PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi!

My story is this, I am a 33 Mom, I run Marathons, just did one 1/8/06 and am training now for another, I have 3 gorgeous girls ages 7, 2 & 10 months. It started during the pregnancy with my 2 year old, migraines really bad and the RA (rhematoid arthritis) cause by psoriasis. Dr. put me on hydrocodone 10/325 fine, took as directed, then when she was 9 months got pregnant again (still on hydro) Dr. took me off, migraines came back, Dr. put me on again, took them throughout my last pregnancy (4 a day) I have now not been able to stop, I was taking up to 20 a day, realized I couldn't keep that up, it was stupid and I was utilizing online pharmacies (multiple to support my habit) got myself down to 10 a day and now I am weaning down to 6 a day (this is day 4 of only taking 6) NO ONE knows and no one can know, my mom has been an addict for my entire life and I swore never to be like her, guess what, I am. My husband and I are perfect together but ever since these damn pills have been in my life we have fought. My whole life revolves around these damn pills and I want to SCREAM so loud. I finally decided today, I HAVE to quit (at first I was tapering just to last through the next refill). I tried cold turkey and I can't do it, thus I am trying this taper thing, I am hoping since I can talk to NO ONE else that you will all help me through this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I want to be "me" again, happy, energetic, even tempered, fun me!!!! so what I am asking is please give me advice, please give me encouragement, please be the friends I need right now, I am done... I want to be done... I have no idea how to taper I am just trying to go as long as I can not exceeding 6 to get through the day. Please tell me I can do this, please someone tell me you have done this, I need advice in regards to what I can do to help with the withdrawals because I have 3 girls I have to take care of everyday so I HAVE TO FUNCTION... I have been a viewer of these boards for sometime and now it is time to utilize all of you and your knowledge to get me clean FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

For clarification I have been taking hydrocodone 10/325 for 2.5 years (as much as 20 a day, as few as 4, currently at 6.

Thanking you in advance....
Nicole

I WANT HELP!!!

 
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Old 01-30-2006, 05:19 PM   #2
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi Nicole; Call me your personal cheerleader. You are not alone, and you CAN do this!! You're very courageous, and knowing you have a problem is the first step. Asking for support is the second. Many people here have great insight and have been there so I'm sure you'll get a lot of support from others too. Even when you feel like throwing in the towel and taking more pills--look at your girls, and come to the boards--we're here to help.
Please keep up with the tapering-try not to fall back to 20 a day. Acet nasty stuff too-it can shut down your liver, which shuts down your kidneys, and then your brain swells. It's not a pretty sight, and I know you don't want those beautiful girls to see you that way. Your liver is an amazing organ that can regenerate itself totally and if you're already tapering you're fine. (last yr my liver failed in part due to the acet meds I took and it totally regenerated itself and it is fine now.) If you can't afford the down time going cold turkey involves, taper is not a bad way to go. (w/3 kids I doubt you can afford to feel like crap for 5 days!) Stock up on Immodium for the diahrrea, and if you have anything for nausea, use it. The sweats are not fun--it'll take a few days for your body temp to be able to regulate itself again, but until then, t-shirts, sweats and warm baths or showers work wonders. Stay away from sugars and carbs which you probably already do if you're a marathon runner...
Most of all--Hang in there and stay strong!! You CAN do this!!I'm on quite a bit-as are most of the other posters here if you need anyone!!

Gina

Anyone else with ideas, please share w/ Nicole.

 
Old 01-30-2006, 05:27 PM   #3
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi,
Good start here, you have not only expressed to us your desire to quit, you have written a short essay to yourself on why you should. Read this again and highlight all of the reasons for quitting. Write more down reasons down and look over them daily—esp at the time you are tempted to take more than you need.

Keep on the tapering program, cut your online access, so you don’t have that temptation. Once you taper, don’t ever look back. Take what you need to take now, but make up your mind that when you arrive at the day you can only take one (as per your plan)—ONLY take the ONE. Then from that last day on, just take each day, one at a time!

When you run a marathon and you are hurting, it does no good to run backwards to erase the pain…that is what you would be doing if you decide that upping your dose is best. Slipping is ok, but if you can, keep your plan and a goal in mind and work toward it!

You CAN do it….I have read allot of people’s stories on these boards, and you have a great history of challenging yourself and moving on. You have allot of determination, anyone who can run a marathon and put herself through that type of pain can, for sure, without a doubt, get over this. Btw: I have to stop writing bc my husband just came in and he does not know I had been addicted. The good news is that it has been over a month since I took my last pill-- So I’m ok and you will be ok

B.Y.
What does not kill shall only serve to make you stronger...

 
Old 01-30-2006, 06:50 PM   #4
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi Nicole: I am right here with you 60mg/day percocet, as of yesterday, and today is my day that I picked to stop completely! I have a 7 and 15 yr. old sons, but my husband is here to help me with them in case I have any withdrawl problems. (which so far I don't really). My husband and I planned to take a week to focus on this!

You are really doing great with the tapering, I did try that, for I was afraid of the withdrawals, but I wasn't disciplined enough to keep tapering. So here I go cold turkey. So be proud of what you are doing and keep it up! I really do think you ARE disciplined enough since you are this far!!!

Keep posting!

~Gina~ (I didn't know there was another Gina on here)

B.Y. - why haven't you been posting on my posts, are you mad at me or something? You are so strong for making it this long and your husband didn't even have to know! How did you do it? Thinking of you.

Last edited by gina042; 01-30-2006 at 06:52 PM.

 
Old 01-30-2006, 08:18 PM   #5
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi Nicole,

You are in the right place, and you remind me of myself. I'm a mom too, a single mom of a 5 year old. I started on 4 a day (norcos- hydro. 10mg- but I'm sure u know that!) Started with the 4 a day legit doctor script and knew I had a problem 2, 2 1/2 years ago, b/c I needed to take SOME every day. I reached out for help on this board, but I was going through a horrible divorce that got worse before it got better. Anyway, slippery slope away and I was taking 20 on average, but sometimes 30 pills a day, every day. I had 2 real docs and 4-5 online pharmacies! I even got laid off last fall, haven't been able to find a job, and still managed to get my pills. Had to have them.

Well, last week I decided I had enough. I quit cold turkey from probably 25 a day, and over a year when I hadn't even skipped a day. The withdrawals were really bad for about 3 days, then each day got better. Well, day 4 I slipped and took 2 pills. Day 5- clean, Day 6- screwed up, took 3. Well, I'm on my second full day clean again, but gosh, taking 5 pills in 9 days, for me? i'm proud. I feel WAY WAY better than I imagined I could. I thought I needed the pills for everything, to do laundry, to cook, to clean, to talk on the phone, to play with my daughter, to wake up, sheez. What a nightmare my life was.

Is there anyone you can get to help with your daughters, just for a few days? If not, then taper, do a search here on tapering plans, there are some good ones. I never had the will power myself. I'd put my taper plan in a pill a day pack and do ok at first then start opening all the lids and take them all at once. I'm reading in a book right now that it's best for drug addicts to stop cold turkey, b/c tapering gives them the illusion of control, and once they are in addiction, they are NOT in control anymore, the drug is controling them. My book says that tapering is a big mind game with yourself. I understand about feeling like you have to function, but what if you got the flu? Are you married? I think I remember your writing that no one knows. Withdrawal mimics the flu, and the flu is a great cover. And it is flu season.

If you want to just get this over with, once and for all, stop taking them and tell your loved ones you have the flu, deal with it. And don't beat yourself up for being like your mom, addictions I think run in the family. There's a gene or something. Don't beat yourself up. There are a lot of very good people, very loving moms and dads that just get addicted. No one plans on it. I was making 6 figures last year, I'm attractive enough, seemed to be supermom on the outside. NO ONE knew about my little secret, until my mom- who was watching my daughter while I worked- started getting the weekly drug packages from my online sources. Sometimes I had to leave her money orders for them. She isn't dumb. She went through my brother's addiction to pain pills and has been there for me. I feel so sorry for her b/c she feels like she failed us to have 2 kids, college educated and everything, that are pain pill addicts. Oh well.

I'll be your friend, and your cheerleader, as will a lot of wonderful people on this board. I'm not in NA yet, but the old saying is that admitting you have a problem is the first step to getting better, so you are on your way to recovery!

Debbie

 
Old 01-31-2006, 04:01 AM   #6
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi Nicole....i am glad you found your way to these boards.
So tell me, what are your symptoms now that you are down to 6 a day. Remember your body WILL adjust to lower amounts you just gotta give it a couple of days at the same amount. I would keep reducing every 3 days a 1/2 a pill. The lower you get on dosage the longer it takes your body to adapt. The old saying on here rings true, the lower the slower.......
You are taking 10 mg....so at the end of the taper....break them in half.
So what i am saying is....on Friday, jump down to 5 1/2 pills and then stabilize on that....then on Tuesday jump down to 5 pills....
Another thing that works is stretching out the time in between dosages.
I wish you the best. I also know a lot of us on these boards have used Sub., a good one to talk about that to would be Twinlynn hopefully she will pop in and talk to ya about that.
For now i would reduce, reduce, reduce. Expect to feel crappy with every reduction, but like i said, you body WILL adapt.
Hang in there and let me know if i helped any.....
lots of luv,
LISA

 
Old 01-31-2006, 06:00 AM   #7
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Wow I Read Your Post And It Really Got To Me.i Know How Hard This Is For You, I Have Watched My Daughter Go Through The Same Thing For Years And Recently I Watched Her Go Through Total Withdrawl, It Scared Me At First But I Called A Local Rehab And They Told Me That She May Feel And Look Like This Is Going To Kill Her But It Will Not.it Takes About 5 Days Or So To Get Through Withdrawls Cold Turkey.it Is Very Hard To Watch Someone You Love Go Through This.
She Also Has A Daughter That I Am Caring For.you Have Made The Right Decision For You And Your Girls.i Can Tell You First Hand That Children May Be Young But They Know Something Is Up With Their Parents When They Are Doing Something To There Bodies.
It Sounds Like Otherwise You Have A Very Healthy Lifestyle With Running Marathons That Is A Great Accomplishment And If You Can Do That I Know You Can Get Through This.
I Read Some Poetry That My Daughter Wrote Recently It Broke My Heart She Wrote That She Is An Addict And That Her Love Of Pills Is Above All Others It Is What She Wakes Up For. She Wrote This Last April And At That Time I Never Knew She Was Even On Pills At The Time So Its Easy To Hide For Awhile But Eventually Everyone Finds Out.take All The Support You Can Get Hang In There And Think Of This As Another Marathon You Are Going To Finish.this Could Be The Most Important Marathon Youll Be In And We Will All Be Here Cheering You On.
Many Prayers And Keep Posting
Tami

 
Old 01-31-2006, 06:20 AM   #8
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Honey don't worry!

You really are doing this. You've tapered down from 20 to 6! That is so impressive. Does your Hubby know, or are you all alone on this little trip? ...and a lonely one at that.

1) Do you work out of the house.
2) If so what are your hours like.
3) DOES the HUBBY know?

These are things that would play into anything I'd offer about tapering that I know! Please feel free to check out my profile. You'd get a view of why you're of particular intered to me.

Hang in there baby! You can do it--nice and easy!

XOXO
Mya (aka Dangovt)

 
Old 01-31-2006, 07:39 AM   #9
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Thanks everyone!!

To answer a few of your questions..

My husband doesn't and CAN'T know
This trip is mine alone.

I am on my second week of staying home with my girls, up to now I always worked full time (nothing to do with the pills) a decision my husband and I came to.

I guess I could fake the flu, what should I expect? I already feel hot, then cold and my legs are all spastic.

Gosh it sure was nice to wake up to all of this support today. All 3 of my girls have the flu right now so there is a plethora of diarrhea and puke, great timing girls!!! I am so appreciative of all of your words of encouragement. I HAVE to be bigger than this.. I HAVE TO!!!

 
Old 01-31-2006, 09:56 AM   #10
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hi Nicole,

I agree with the others, that since you have the will power to taper from 60 to 6 a day, just keep it up. It would be SOOO hard to be cold turkey with all 3 girls sick and your husband not knowing! I would do what Lisa said about the tapering, you'll feel slightly worse, but not unbearably. Then when the girls are better maybe mom can take some sick time....?

Seriously, if you can run a marathon, you can do anything. You can beat this!

That poem was so sad, btw. Yikes. I stil feel so guilty to have been a mother on drugs. The guilt is really hard, but all I can do is move forward, and that's what you can do too.

You're on the right path!

Debbie

 
Old 01-31-2006, 10:15 AM   #11
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

...Mother's on Drugs, we should form a group--all us moms--"Mothers NOT on Drugs" M.N.O.D.!!! We are now the mother's who set good examples for our children--that is our credo!

I root for all of you!

 
Old 01-31-2006, 10:55 AM   #12
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

I cry when I read your posts. I am so very very thankful for all of you, your words, your help, your advice ... just YOU!! I wish I could tell my husband but he would use it against me forever and I don't want him to look at me with those eyes, I couldn't take it now, maybe at another time... but not now. I don't think with the girls and them being sick I can do the CT route although it is my plan. I am going to do this taper thing, if I screw up once I said to myself that I will go CT if I screw up the taper. I think since I have to function and remain active with these gorgeous girls I better taper instead of going through what everyone is calling hell. Is there anythng I should take besides Immodium? any vitamins?

Oh I tell you what, this morning I didn't take a pill until 10:00 am and I haven't been able to do that in a year. I patted myself on the back, I know, stupid but I was proud and I am so DAMN determined, I am going to do this everyone... I am I am I am I am. I need you guys, I need you all!! Please keep me going. I have to be strong, I am trying so hard everyone. Thank you.

 
Old 01-31-2006, 11:21 AM   #13
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Hey LVN: somehow, through sheer will power, I have been able to quit w/o anyone knowing. I have an addictive personality and my husband has helped me through many issues. After everything calmed down (according to what he knew), I got hooked on v.'s and did not want to burden my sweet hubby. I am on day 35 and happy as a clam! Take that determination with you to your grave, and you will be able to do it on your own--and with the help of these boards! They are the only place I can't let people know when I am having a hard time of it.

 
Old 01-31-2006, 12:55 PM   #14
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

Quote:
Originally Posted by LVNMYLIFE

My husband doesn't and CAN'T know. This trip is mine alone.

I am on my second week of staying home with my girls, up to now I always worked full time (nothing to do with the pills) a decision my husband and I came to.

I guess I could fake the flu, what should I expect? I already feel hot, then cold and my legs are all spastic.
Okay Darlin' Girl;

You're already in bigtime withdrawals. There probably is not too much more to expect than what you have now--although if you catch the flu from your kids I don't think we'jj ever know if it was med related or "the bug".

You might take advantage of this and taper down to the point where you personally feel really uncomfortable. Then go back up to a dose just above that. In 7 days you could try it again! ...and so on.

Of course there are multiple ways to do it and that's just one!

Much Affection;
Mya (aka Dango)

 
Old 01-31-2006, 02:16 PM   #15
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Re: PLEASE Somebody, take sometime to read this and help me

I am running a half marathon on Sunday, I want to be down to 4 by then, I feel OK right now, stomach is rumbly and I am sweating and then freezing. I take my last dose before bed so sleeping hasn't been an issue.... YET. I tell you what I am so looking forward to the day that I am like all of you.. coaching someone through addiction to REAL LIFE. I feel so motivated now but I am scared that I will lose this motivation and I don't want to. I hate the pills so much now I am gagging when I take them, I am so ******!! About 10 years ago I stopped smoking after somking for about 4 years, just did it cold turkey, why is this so incredibly much harder. What happens after 1 month clean? Will I still want them? GOD I hope not. I want to be clean I want to be clean.. so bad I can taste it. Guys, keep me going I am going to do this.. Mark my words, there is NO other way!!!

 
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