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Old 02-15-2006, 02:09 PM   #1
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Question Xanax and anger problems

Hi, I am new here and I have come to seek some advice and help. I have been dealing with my boyfriend's Xanax addiction for a while now and I know that I am not the one that can help him b/c only he can, but I just need some support to help me stay strong and get through this with him. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years and he has had his share of issues like a criminal background and prison time that has changed his whole outlook on life completely. I feel that its b/c he feels he is worthless that he has turned to Xanax. Why wouldnt someone want to forget about the day before when they have insecurities about themselves...right? Well its gotten to the point where I have tried to talk to him several times about this and he automatically gets on the defense and says he doesnt have a problem. Well he isnt even prescribed these...he buys them from people who sell them on the street. He is averaging 2-3 of the handlebars a day and then majority of the time he is mixing alcohol with them, which causes him to basically become a vegetable and I am the one that has to slap him awake and try and lug him out of the car just to get him into the house. My biggest concern though is his anger problem when he is on them. Its like he is a firecracker and anyone who looks at him the wrong way he wants to fight. Last night our Valentine's Day was going good...he then proceeded to pop 2 bars and drink about 14 beers...by the time we got home he was trying to start a fight with me. He has never physically beat me but last night he pushed me and I was immediatly scared b/c I had no idea what he could do b/c when he is on them they make him very unpredictable and angry. The push was nothing that I would call violent...but it did scare me. I guess what I am wanting to know is if this is something that happens with people who take bars? Also the coming down off of them the next day...he tends to be even angrier and more controversial. The sad thing is...he tries to justify using them as something to calm him down...however, I feel that they do the complete opposite and make him belligerent. This morning I had to remind him of what happened last night and he felt horrible and apologized...still doesnt make it right in my mind!!! If I forgive him for what he did last night with the arguing and push then he will feel that its ok if I get messed up on bars and say and do the things I did, she will forgive me...but if I dont forgive him, I am the bad person and our issue never gets resolved. Is there anyone out there that is going through this similar type of thing? I dont want to leave him b/c he is who I want to be with...the guy who is not messed up on bars is really a great guy if he just applied himself more in life, call me a hopeless romantic if you want but he still has hope...how can you make someone realize that though...i think only they can realize it on their own.

 
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Old 02-15-2006, 06:01 PM   #2
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

I have a son who you just described to a T.....he came to visit this weekend and I had a weekend from hell. He is exactly like tou describe. You see, Xanax affects people differently. Every time he takes the bars, he drinks and smokes weed. He ends up fighting or going to jail.....I am at my witts end...he has cursed me all weekend. next week he will be sobered up and will call to apologize. Well, apology won't be accepted this time. I am finished. He's not the person I raised and love....I will not tolerated it any longer. He is not welcome in my home for a very long time........I wish you luck...but they won't change until they get off the drugs....and they have to choose, drugs or family............simple as that........

 
Old 02-15-2006, 09:03 PM   #3
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Hi,

Sorry To Hear About What You Are Dealing With.im The Mother Of An Addict So I Know What It Is Like. I Have To Agree With Flintrock They Get Mean And Angrier And Nothing Is There Fault.
My Daughter Was Addicted To Xanax Over 3 Years Ago. I Ended Up In The Hospital With Stitches Being Put In My Head From Where She Pushed Me So Hard That I Went Flying Into The Corner Of A Wall.i Didnt File Charges Like The Police Wanted Me To. That Was Stupid But I Rationlized It. Thats What The People Who Live With Drug Addicts To Is Rationlize There Behavior And They Keep Getting Hurt.my Daughter Did Go To Rehab For The Xanax Addiction And Was Put On Methadone.well Its 3 Years Later And Now Shes Addicted To Percocets,oxys And Herion.she Has Lost Custody Of Her Child And I Have Her.my Biggest Mistake Is Enabling Her.rationalizing Her Behavoir. Please Dont Minimize The Behavior Of Someone On Drugs.no One Deserves To Watch A Loved One Put Them And Everyone Else That Love Them Through Hell.
Take Care And Keep Posting Here If You Need To Just Talk.
Tami

 
Old 02-16-2006, 10:00 AM   #4
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Hey everyone...thanks so much for your support through this!!! It's amazing to me to even think that there are people going through the same thing...or at least so many people!! It's really bothersome to think that its this out of control!!! I wish that I could help my boyfriend see his problem...I know that if he just realized it as a problem he would start working on it!! Maybe what I should look into doing is taping him while he is on them and letting him see how he really is instead of waking up the next day and hearing it...I would have proof then!! I dont have a video camera though!! He usually just laughs whenever I tell him how he was the night before!! The Valentine's day ordeal though I thought hit home a little closer since he realized that he tried to attempt in hurting me...although last night when I got home from work I think he was on them again!! He has a background and is about to have to go sit out a couple of warrants in county jail...I am looking at this as a turning point for him!! I am hoping that when he gets out he will have had time to detox from them and then stay away from them and go out and get a job and get back into school like he has been telling us he wanted to do for a while now!! I haven't been strong enough for him though...when ever he needs the $5 or $10 for the pills I havent put my foot down and said no...but that is out of my own fear that he will either start owing these guys the money or get angry with me and storm out!! The one thing he is known for saying when he is on them in my book is that he is going to leave and pick up his clothes the following day...I finally got to the point where I did tell him that I was tired of him threatning me about him leaving...if he didnt like it then to leave...but when he is back in his normal state he says he wants to be with me and that he is just saying that to upset me!! Something else I have noticed is that whenever we do have an argument about it he will turn it around and make it sound like its my problem...first step is denial...I have always heard that!! If he would just realize his potential without those things in his life...I know he would be happier than he is right now with them in his life!! I wouldnt be able to get him into a rehab...jail is rehab enough though I hope!!

 
Old 02-16-2006, 12:48 PM   #5
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

I did video my son this past weekend, but I threw him out of my house before he could see it....he would have to be sober to see it and make any sense of it. He went back to Texas and is not welcome here.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 01:27 PM   #6
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

I can only imagine what you have gone through with having your son not welcome in your own home. My boyfriends parents are almost to that point, they dont really know what to believe out of him these days b/c he will sit there and flat out lie to them and I just sit there in disbelief. What bothers me the most is that I am the one that looks like a snitch for going to his parents when in fact all I am trying to do is help him. What kind of behaviour were you able to catch on video? Did he not get upset with you and tell you to stop? I can picture my boyfriend telling me to get that out of his face and stop recording him! The sleeping part would be interesting to catch...drooling all over himself and looking like he just fell wherever he happened to land. I can remember one time I had to get my boyfriend out of the car and he weighs 2 times what I do...but I got him out...only to have him not be able to walk and fall flat on his back...the scariest part for me was when he hit his head on the concrete he was sleeping...I didnt know if he was unconcious or if he had just fallen asleep. I told him the next day that he might have a concussion and he asked why and when I told him he was like oh I was wondering why my head was killing me...go figure!!! Driving is an even scarier thought...I try not to get in the car with him when he is on those...I hide my keys and park my car behind his thats in the garage that way he cant get in his car and drive off without getting my keys. Its really pathetic the things I have to do just to keep him safe from himself.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 02:04 PM   #7
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

I am very sorry for those of you whose live's have been so negatively harmed through loved ones who have been addicted to Xanax. While the expressions of your own pain and suffering may not change your loved ones, hopefully it will help others reading who are struggling with their addiction to read what it is likely doing in their own families.

Xanax is in a family of drug types called benzodiazepines and alters brain chemistry and functioning. It is a HIGHLY and RAPIDLY addictive drug. It is one of the most difficult drugs to stop and stopping abruptly can be very dangerous and cause a grand mall seizure; seizures like an epileptic experiences. Drinking alcohol while taking benzodiazepine is extremely dangerous and life threatening. To learn more about benzodiazepines just type the word into Google or any search engine....look for reliable formal education or government websites; they will have .edu or .gov as part of their webaddress. When I home detoxed from Xanax I was helped through the process with the tapering guidelines established by Professor Heather Ashton in the United Kingdom who has researched and published much of her work online for the public and for medical professionals. She has developed guideline recommendations for tapering from all benzodiazepines.

It is unlikely that there is anything I can write that will make you realize your own personal risks as a result of your relationship with your b/f. It is extremely difficult for self-motivated person to successfully self-detox from Xanax. From your description of your b/f he does not perceive he has a problem and therefore clearly has no interest in changing his current lifestyle. No matter how much you want it FOR him....HE has to first want it for himself, and he does not. Because you love him, that is a hard thing for you to accept. Sadly, love does NOT conquer all. It takes 2 people working towards a mutual goal to make any relationship a success. Please stay tuned in to any patterns of escalating violence potential as there is likely more to follow. Your b/f being apologetic AFTER an event has occurred does not protect you from risk of future harm. Please understand that, while he may love you, with his current drug/alcohol use he is unable to look after and protect his own needs so how can he look after yours? You have some very difficult concerns to evaluate, my heart goes out to you, and I wish nothing but the best for you. Good luck.

 
Old 02-16-2006, 08:06 PM   #8
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

very well written. It's so strange because everything you mention about your boyfriend, I have seen in my son. I used to wonder how people could take Xanax and become violent and mean, because it's supposed to mellow you. Well, it's because those people take it the way it's prescribed. And the people who are violent and mean take 5-6 or more at a time and then drink and smoke weed. That's it!! I told my son's girlfriend that if she chooses to live that way, fine, but I am not. I can not help my son, he has to help himself. and until he decides that he doesn't want to lose his family and her, I am out of the picture. He talked to me in ways this weekend I would never have thought he ever would. I also have a 15 yr old who I have to think about. He loves his brother too, but sees the path of destruction he is on. We will continue to pray for him and love him, but we won't be drug down that road with him. I wish you luck, too, and I hope you can make a wise choice and think of yourself. Because he won't.

 
Old 02-17-2006, 06:50 AM   #9
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Well I have almost reached the point where you have gotten to with your son! I have already made a promise to myself that after he gets out of jail (about 3-4 months starting next week) that if he doesnt make a change and continues to take the bars and doesnt go out and get a job and go back to school and start "fresh" that I wont be sticking around very much longer. He has a lot of making up and proving himself to me to do and I am about to the breaking point where I dont want to deal with it anymore! It gets old when that is all you fight about you know? Plus I am tired of having to support him...I took it easy on him b/c he has the legal woes ahead of him...but after those are taken care of...he better be paying his way and doing something good for us!!! I am pretty sure he lied to me last night...its always difficult to hear them lie to you when you know they are!!! I found 3 handlebars in his truck last night and I asked him what he had done during the day and specifically asked him questions pertaining to him possibly going and buying some bars and he said no he hadnt gotten any...then I had to go out to his truck for something last night and there were 3 laying in a cup holder!!! i sorta kept an eye on if he went out to his truck to "get something" and he did a couple of times!!! I meant to check his truck this morning but I was running late for work so I wasnt able to investigate!!! yesterday I went and checked out some of the stuff Professor Ashton has written...its very interesting...I am thinking about seeing if there is a copy of her book at the library...it will give me something to read while he is away!!! I am so tempted to print off some of this information and take it home to him but I feel that it will only push him away instead of making him realize the issue! well I hope everyone has a good day, stay strong!

 
Old 02-17-2006, 08:45 AM   #10
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

You haven't had enough yet. I can tell. By staying and seeing him through his difficulties, you are enabling him. I know my son is a good person and is a joy to be around when he's normal. but those bars will push him away from me and has. I was reading the web last night, and every single symptom of someone who "can't" take Xanax fit him. Drinking with Xanax, which he does, is a big no-no....if will kill you!!!!! My son's friend, 20 yr old, handsome, sweet boy, overdosed 4 months ago on Xanax and alcohol and weed. His parents found him in the front yard, face down, not breathing and blue!!! Called the ambulance, doctors said he'd be lucky to make it through the night. He was in a coma for 2 weeks, on a ventilator and his kidneys and liver were not working. He came out of the coma, put on a kidney dialysis machine for a week or two, every other day...well, he went home...we thought only minor brain damage...4 months later, he looks as though he has muscular dystrophy...his arms and hands pullled to his chest, he can't hardly walk, he can't talk very well, very slurred speech and he wears hearing aids because he can't hear. 2 weeks ago they did an MRI to try and find out what's going on, and he has bleeding on the brain....and would you believe he is drinking alcohol and smkoing weed and doing XANAX behind his parent's backs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His hospital stay cost them over $900,000.......and he is almost nonexistant and he still does the Xanax!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now if that doesn't wake you up, I don't know what will!!!

I hope you can gather the strength to make him decide what he wants...the pills or you....and I hope if he chooses you, he can live up to that....I know it's hard to stop these pills, but people do it every day...it depends on how bad the person addicted wants it...and only they can want it....believe me....I am prob a lot older than you....(48) and have seen my son go down, down, down and it breaks my heart...sometimes I wonder if he will live through this. All I can do is pray, as I always have, and hope that he can somehow see what he's doing to himself...Good luck to you, and God bless!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 02-17-2006, 09:48 AM   #11
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Do you think that printing off a bunch of information on them as well as the side effects and problems that can arise when taking them would be a good idea or bad idea?? I would like for him to see what he is actually doing to himself...however, I dont want to push it too far and have him do the complete opposite of what I am trying to accomplish. The situation with your son's friend was very eye opening...I dont know how much worse it could get than something like that happening. I can only hope that he attempts to change his ways for his sake/life and his parents. After seeing what his friend went through your son still continued taking them? To me that would be a sign that I need to leave them alone when it hits close to home like that. I guess when you are that far into it that you either dont realize that it could happen to you or you are in denial that it will never happen to you. My boyfriend called me this morning and said he realized something today when he woke up...he cant drink when he takes bars...nothing I havent heard before so I will just see how long this idea lasts. I hope that it continues but I dont see him holding out on taking bars when he is planning on going to have some drinks, I mean he pops them starting off in the morning...so he would have to plan way ahead on going out for some drinks in order to make sure he isnt going to take any bars! Not to mention that they stay in your system and I know his body has a high build up/tolerance right now. I hate to think that I have no hope in what he says but it makes it hard when I look at his track record. I pray every day that I wont have to walk out the door on him...b/c I want him to succeed and conquer this, I just hope he realizes it before something like what your son's friend is going through happens.

 
Old 02-17-2006, 11:26 AM   #12
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

My son's g/f just called me and told me he is still going through withdrawal today. I told her to call some places and see if she could find him some help somewhere. Well, she did. They are going to take him, based on his income, evaluate him and help him withdraw. He got on the phone and said he is going to get help. I told him I hoped so. And as long as he is willing to get help and stay off the drugs, I would support him. but if he chooses the drugs, he could just tell me and his dad and brother goodbye, because we are finished and we are not going to live that way. He said he wanted help. I said yes, the withdrawals you need help with. But staying off the drugs also. I explained this is the last time I will have this conversation with him. it's his choice and he has to choose what he wants. He said Ok and wants my support because he needs it. I said you got it, as long as you're drug free. So we'll see....you can't tell with an addict. They change from minute to minute. They are selfish and only think about right now and what's in it for them. I certainly didn't raise my son to become an addict, but he is and I can't change it. when you love someone as much as I love him it's hard to let go so they can realize the problem. His friend's overdose made an impression on him for awhile, but like you said, he prob thinks that won't happen to me. But it can. Addiction is such a strange thing, and the more I learn the more I'm amazed...............

 
Old 02-17-2006, 11:54 AM   #13
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Oh I am so happy for you...I really hope that he goes through with this and walks away from the drugs and starts a new chapter in his life. I know the feeling though, that you just dont know if you should believe it...but time will tell and I hope for his sake and your families sake that he quits for good! At least he knows that he will have your support and the rest of the families too...I know that it will come to mean a lot for him in the next couple of weeks when it gets a little tougher...he knows he will have a shoulder to lean on!! I guess you pulling the final string and saying you had enough was what made him see the light at the end of the tunnel!! I hopefully will get there one day with my boyfriend!!! please keep me posted on how things are going!! Thanks for all of your help and advice...the more we know the better prepared we are for the future!! take care!!

 
Old 02-17-2006, 01:11 PM   #14
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Thanks!! My son is only 20 yr old. he has such a long way to go before he knows as much as he thinks he does...You would be surprised that people taking Xanax don't know the dangers. It might be a good idea to print off the dangers of quitting cold turkey...that will scare anyone...I think...My son didn't know the dangers...and he thinks he knows everything!!!! You might try it....it could help.......at least plant the seed in hs mind and let him think about it...Good luck!! I'll keep you posted!

 
Old 02-17-2006, 01:33 PM   #15
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Re: Xanax and anger problems

Well I surely had no idea about any of the risks...I just knew that I didnt like my boyfriend when he is on them! We are both 23 and I have never had to deal with an issue as big as this so I never really put much thought into it until the day after Valentine's...did you say your son was in Texas? I am in Texas...where is he going to get treatment? Do you know how long he will have to go for the detox and all? I am hoping that my boyfriends treatment will be during his time in jail...he will have plenty of time to sit there in a cell by himself and hopefully think about what he could possibly be throwing away with taking bars! My only concern though is that he wont be able to taper off of them...it will be cold turkey! I dont know how they handle an issue like that when someone gets put in jail...I would hope that he would tell them something about it when he first goes in...although knowing him he wont b/c to him he doesnt have a problem...so should it be something that I do? Maybe send a letter or something? I mean I would think they would be able to help him or at least keep an eye on him to make sure he doesnt go into withdrawals real bad in the middle of the night or something!! I am going to print off some info on the withdrawal and tapering process for him and hopefully get him to read it and at least get him to slow down b/4 he goes in next week!

 
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