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Old 02-27-2006, 01:31 PM   #1
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Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Well here I sit on my second day with no Norco. This is the first time I have EVER said this to anyone. The only person that knows about my addiction is my husband. Maybe others know, but I have never shared this with anyone.

I have been on and off the Vicodin for the past six years or so. I suffer from migraine headaches and my doctor at the time (six years ago) seemed fine with handing out mass amounts of them at a time. He would write me a script of 100 with 5 refills. Didn't take long to begin a daily habit with them. I'm a worry-wart by nature, so I never was one to take a whole bunch at once - so the "high" feeling stopped quickly after that. It just became more of an issue of taking them so I didn't get the yucky w/d's. I've been buying them legally online for the past five years or so and was taking 10 of the 10/325's a day. I am ready to stop. I am a stay at home mom to two absolutely beautiful kids who are my reasons for living and I want to be healthy for them. I want to live to see them grow up, graduate, get married and have their own children. I'm also so tired of the shame that I feel on a daily basis. To the rest of the world I have the perfect life. Nice husband, great kids, nice house, etc. I look like the wholesome girl next door. And to have this secret is just eating me up inside. And I'm so tired of the whole, "Oh my gosh, I am almost out of pills and my refill isn't due for another eight days!" Then all of the scrambling to find enough to get me through until that refill comes.

I'm so sorry to ramble but please understand that this is a huge deal to me to talk about this. Part of me still can't believe I'm doing this. It would break the hearts of my family to know, and I can't leave my kids, so no rehab for me. I KNOW that if I can get through this first 4-5 days of w/d and the mental aspect of "see, you CAN do this!" will help so much.

Please help me in any way you can. I'm going to need support. I have a bottle of Histussin HC that I am using to help "taper." It's got 2.5 mgs of hydro per 2 tsp dose, so I'm only using a dose every 4 hours or so just to keep miniscule amounts of hydro in my system so that my body doesn't scream with so much shock. Some of you might not think that's the way to go about it, but it's what I'm doing. I've got enough to get me through the next two days and then I'm on my own.

Thanks for reading this. I'm feeling very vulnerable right now - I need some support here, please. Thanks again!

Michelle

 
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Old 02-27-2006, 02:11 PM   #2
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Michelle,

You can do this! And there is nothing wrong with using the cough syrup to taper. We do have a lot in common. No one would ever suspect me of using either. And I never intenede to do it, it just sort of happened. But you are right, for our children it is absolutely the best thing. Gotta help the kids right now, I'll write more later tonight!
Bridget

 
Old 02-27-2006, 02:16 PM   #3
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Hi Michelle, you CAN do this. Hopefully, you are reading, reading, reading, posts on this Board and others where many other folks have been where you are...the guilt, self-loathing, shame, anger, and determination. One of the biggest detriments to detox success is FEAR. You will gain the strength and fortitude to power on through reading all that you can to see that others have done it--- many recently on this Board. There are a lot of wonderful people on this Board who will help you with support, encouragement, answers from their own experiences or their own research in preparation for their own detox plan. What works for one may not work for another. You just have to experiment and find what works for your own unique chemistry. If you have not already reviewed it you might want to read the Sample Home Detox thread in the "sticky post" Moderator Section on this Board. There is life after detox and it is a good one. You deserve it, and your family deserves it. When one is functioning in a long term Vicodin Fog it is really hard to be a full functioning-contributing loved one when you can't even care for yourself without drugs. The tolerance/dependency/addiction is a horrible terrorizing cycle..... after a while you just lose your self somewhere in it all. Life just becomes about pills, pills, pills, pills. It is hard work to break that cycle, but you have taken the first step with your post and plea for support. It will come, just be patient You will not be alone. Read & post your feelings, experiences, fears, questions.....and, support, encouragement, and answers through the experience of others will come shortly. Most folks complete the worst within a week, with day 2-3 or 3-4 usually being the worst, based on individual chemistry. Some have a very rough week of WDs; others not as bad...again just dependends on individual chemistry and history of drug use. You will feel like a horrible flu has set in, taken over, is never gonna leave, or is gonna kill ya. You will go through phases; they can vary but there is a typical flu-like pattern. The hardest part for me I think was experiencing what felt like a lack of clarity of thought, emotional, and mental stuff. By most standards I was likely a light weight with only a tolerance dependency level of 4-6 5/500 daily, but long term for several years...but I still felt that I was in Hydro Prison.

Do your homework, read posts, educate yourself about what to expect so you know as it is happening and that it is NORMAL. That way you won't get scared and tricked by that innervoice of the drug demon trying to scare you during WDs into aborting. You will have random firings of aches/pains/nausea and most get diahhreah though I never did. In full blown WDs you will be irritable as hell and could slap the fuzz off of fuzzy dice or anything else so try to hold your emotions in check as much as you can so you don't step on the tail of the dog or anyone else you love. In one week you will feel much better...maybe not yet quite ready to dance with the stars but much better. Good luck

Last edited by jam338; 02-27-2006 at 02:36 PM.

 
Old 02-27-2006, 02:20 PM   #4
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Try and use as little as you can and still get by, Michelle. Hang in there.

The fact that you have admitted this to us here is an important first step. Keep talking about it and it will get easier.

 
Old 02-27-2006, 02:29 PM   #5
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

i tossed a career as a executive chef,gave up the kids to the EX-wife...as you can tell from the first sentence i gave up everything in my life for hydro/oxy/opiates plain and simple....forget the taper plan from my experience...you are prolonging the agony/inevitable....you one day or another...one month or onther...one year or another will feel the pain/anquish/w/d symptoms of what the drug has produced...another person dependant on narcotics......seek support...edify yourself on what drugs do to create us into different folks..your husband is aware of your problem...ask his support to watch the children for a month...thow out any forms of your drug contacts...choose your friendships more wisely if you are getting and opiates from that stand point...disassociate any mean or form of your hydro habit...a real eye opener for me was that my 14 yr old daughter told me she tried lortabs....how would you feel if your daughter was on line to get drugs...what a real reality sledgehammer in the ole ******,hey?.......we are supposed to be makin example to the future generations....we are not 16 anymore.....i know its hard to quit...i tried for 14 years...but i am here......i am now....i exist in reality...i can finally sleep....there are days when i get diahrea,but so does every human being........i am sober after 32 yrs of doin every drug on the planet...been hooked to heroin....been hooked to methadone....been hooked to hydrocodone.....oxy,coke,you name it, ive done it.......i am not bullet-proof,either are you....the price we pay is not worth it.........no self-pity,no depression/...would it be nice if they made one pill,takin once in a life time that could change us?...i would not take another mind altering substance again..look deep and find yourself........take the w/d's,you can only prolong the pain or youi will find yourself lookin for another pill or some more syrup to get by-just for now....if you stop now you can appreciate life a month or two from now...thats all it will take...been ther and done that and finally found my callin...chef

 
Old 02-27-2006, 04:55 PM   #6
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Thanks everyone. Chef, as far as the taper plan goes - you are right - for me, it doesn't work. I've tried it repeatedly, either on my own (That is definitely not something I can handle) or with the help of my husband.) But I'd end up begging for extras, either due to having a bad day or I'd hurt my ankle or have some sort of pain and he'd take pity on me and give me a couple of extras. Or we'd hate the way it made us feel, me begging and feeling humiliated and him knowing that he's screwed if he gives me some and screwed if he doesn't. Definitely a vicious cycle. One that I've never been able to get out of.

The worst part of w/d for me is at night. Not being able to sleep and feeling like I'm jumping out of my skin. Constantly tossing and turning and feeling so anxious. Last night I took 4 teaspoons of the cough syrup (total of 5 mg of vicodin) so that I could sleep. I was used to taking 20mg at once, 5 x a day, so taking 5 mg at bedtime and to help when I get extremely anxious or miserable isn't hurting me. Maybe for you it wasn't the way to go - for me though, so far - this is working. I realize that eventually the syup will run out and I can and will deal with that, but so far just being able to sleep at night has made this so much easier for me to deal with. I take it one hour at a time - and I am truly proud of myself for doing this. Of course I have to dig deep below the shame to get to the feeling of pride.

I've never done any other drugs. Those anti-drug talks in school worked for me. Well, I take that back - I recreationally smoked pot on occasion in college, but not often at all. I never have had a problem with alcohol. I have maybe two drinks a year. So I don't have friends that I need to remove myself from - I don't have people that I "party" with. For me it was never about that. It was something I created totally on my own and have dealt with totally on my own. My husband is supportive, but knows that I have to want to do this before I will suceed at it.

The syrup is not something I've ever had before either. My doctor prescribed it to me after Christmas when I had bronchitis. I didn't even know what it was - hadn't heard of it. Saw the HC on the bottle and all of the warning stickers and decided to look it up online. Once I realized what it was, it sat, unopened in my medicine cabinet for precisely this moment. I know that it would help me to sleep at night without being a "pill" to swallow - it's not something I'm looking to get high from - just looking to get a little bit of sleep.

So there it is - I'm glad you've been able to find what works for you. I am certain that this is the way to go for me and I do appreciate everyones support - I will definitely be needing it in the next week or two. Thanks!

 
Old 02-27-2006, 10:00 PM   #7
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

well, well, well...look at who's posting and encouraging...already. Way to go Bridget. Just a few days ago, you could hardly type and here you are encouraging oandesmama. I feel so proud for you.

Oandesmama, just go back and read where Bridget was a couple of days ago...where she is now is exactly where you're going to be in just a few days. Read all the posts, follow the advice, work the OTC remedies, follow what's helped the others and in no time, you'll be free, free, free.

This is way cool. People helping people the way it's supposed to be.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 05:16 AM   #8
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

OAND,

Do some research on subutex/suboxone. It has helped many opiate addicts like me to detox without discomfort from cravings and withdrawals. I would find a MD in my area and go to his office versus a clinic. This is an Out patient treatment. Go to MD, get an Rx, and take them at home under his direction......Stops wd's, cravings, and overall discomfort.

Just another option if ct or tapering does not work. I was too weak to do either and felt trapped...no way out.....I went about sub the hard way...did not do my research and went to a $$$$$ priced op clinic in FL...I was desperate....Nobody knew of my addiction either. Came clean w/hubby Thanksgiving day...

I am still on maint. (my choice) therapy and doing well. I started Nov 24th.

LisaC2

 
Old 02-28-2006, 08:29 AM   #9
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Thank you everyone!! I definitely took comfort in Bridgets journey - I feel like she and I have a lot in common and it really helps to see that she's made it through what I consider to be the hardest part. It's very encouraging.

So far this has been a lot easier physically than I'd anticipated. I know that I am using this cough syrup as a crutch and taking it at bedtime and I know that just the "idea" of having something, anything to get me through this helps so much. But I also know that the tiny amounts I'm taking are hardly worth taking and I would probably be doing just as well without it. So much of this (at least for me) is a mental thing. I think if someone had replaced my pills with placebos I'd have just chalked up the yucky feeling to a bad couple of days, minor virus or something. But now that I know for a fact that it's w/d, I find myself obsessing on every little twitch or feeling of malaise. Anyway, going to get through the whole day today without the syrup, and take my two teaspoons at bedtime. If I do okay, I'm going to toss the syrup down the toilet in the morning.

We'll see how the day goes. I definitely had a night of tossing and turning and just that general uneasy, uncomfortable feeling I've had previously with w/d's. But I wasn't heading for the bathtub every hour like in the past and I wasn't really freaking out. I need to face the facts. For the past four to five years my sleep was drug-induced. I'd take two pills at bedtime so that I could get a good nights sleep. That's 20mgs of hydrocodone. Now I'm taking 5mg only at bedtime. That's a pretty major reduction. But I'm doing this - I just need to stick it out.

I've considered the suboxone route and if, God forbid, I don't make it this way, I will probably end up doing that. But for now - I can honestly say this is the most successful I've been in ages. This is the most I've ever wanted it and this is the longest I've ever gone without having any pills in a while.

Thanks again for the support! I'm really excited about this. I've got a mild heaadache today, probably from lack of sleep, and normally I'd have taken two of my magic pills to help out, but today it's an 800mg Motrin and that's it!

Wish me luck everyone. This feels good to be so focused and committed - I'm actually very excited about this. I took my last pill at 9am on Sunday. I'm headed out to the store to get some of the stuff on the Home Detox list too so hopefully that will help as well. Okay, off to dress the kids and give them some breakfast.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 08:49 AM   #10
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Quote:
Originally Posted by calforney
well, well, well...look at who's posting and encouraging...already. Way to go Bridget. Just a few days ago, you could hardly type and here you are encouraging oandesmama. I feel so proud for you. This is way cool. People helping people the way it's supposed to be.
<smile>....just too cool for words Calf and Bridg ....I told y'all ya could do it!!!!!!! What a differnce a week makes, eh????

 
Old 02-28-2006, 01:02 PM   #11
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Just wanted to update. Today is the 3rd day that I have had no pills. I am starting to get a little scared because it seems like things are too easy right now. I know I am using the syrup to taper myself and I know the dosage of hydrocodone in the syrup. It is so low, it's cutting my amount from what my body was used to (100mgs a day) to roughly 10 a day. Why am I not feeling this so much more? I'm feeling pretty good right now. I just cleaned the whole house while the kids nap. Normally I'm yawning constantly and dragging around the house with hardly the energy to walk up the stairs, much less vacuum them. I know this is just foolish wondering (so please, don't hassle me or give me a hard time about this - this is a place where I have come to journal my thoughts and feelings and I really only need support right now) but part of me wonders if the pills I've been receiving from the pharmacy - a US licensed pharmacy are not any good. I just don't know. Or is there somehow waayyyy more hydro in the cough syrup than I'd realized? Unlikely. I know what is supposed to be in it 2.5 mg every two tsp.

I just am so scared that something is going to happen and the crap is going to hit the fam soon. I feel so proud and so just like I can do this, I want to do this. It kills me to think of my kids being ashamed of me or God forbid losing them. My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. Mostly since our second baby was born. He has been so mean to me and lately when the fights have gotten nasty he's threatened to expose my secret to everyone. That scares me more than anything in the entire world. I'm scared they'd take my babies away. I've never done anything to hurt them. Like I said - I'm a great mother to them, I'm a good wife, we have a beautiful house, drive great cars, in all appearances things are so good. But lately my husband is having trouble dealing with the attention I'm giving to the kids and things have gotten rough. So I'm definitely inspired to quit this. If I'm not taking any pills then he won't have that hold over me. I don't think it would ever come to that, but he fights dirty sometimes and I think he knows that just the threats of breaking the hearts of my parents and having our friends know what I've been doing is the meanest, most hurtful thing he can say to me.

In any case, here I sit. I haven't taken a pill in well over 48 hours. I can do this! I just have to keep telling myself this. I have to look at my beautiful children and know that it is worth it for them. Any pain is worth it. I'd throw myself in front of a car for them - what is a few days of suffering?

 
Old 02-28-2006, 01:31 PM   #12
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Oandes, first congratulations on your discipline and determination with the taper! If you were ordering from an online pharmacy suppose it could be a quality problem...have heard that exists but no personal experience at all with ordering from online sources. Sorry that your hubby is being so difficult, that really makes it tough. Is it an option to try and sit him down and ask him to be more supportive, or is that basically useless? If he won't then just get your support here on the Board hon. Not the same I know.

I am confused about how far you are into your taper....you said into 3 day yet also later said you are 48 hour mark and that is 2 days? WDs usually begin at 8-16 hours and begin their escalation to peak point starting at Day 2. However, that could be delayed with the taper you are doing. If by Day 4 you feel no change then you might consider dropping the syrup by 1/2 for 2-3 days and gradually eliminate it unless you feel you need to stay with it. I would let your personal sensations guide you towards gradually withdrawing the taper support when you feel you are ready.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 02:45 PM   #13
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Well I guess I was confusing in how I was looking at this. Basically I took my last pill at 9am on Sunday morning. Haven't had any pills since then. So I was basically counting Sunday as day 1, Monday as day 2, and today as day 3. But if you look at it in an hours standpoint, it's been just over 48 hours since my last pill.

However there is the issue of the syrup. I took some of it Sunday evening when I started to feel miserable because I wanted to be able to sleep. I took some last night before bed too. I will try to get through the night without taking anymore and if I can do it I will just go ahead and flush it. I don't have anyone I can turn to. I have to take care of my kids, and I'm using the syrup as my last option. I've never taken the syrup before as I said. It seems that the syrup itself was the drug of choice for a lot of people. I honestly didn't even know it existed until I saw the warning labels on it and put two and two together that it had hydro in it.

Hope that clears things up. Even though in reality I'm still consuming small amounts of hydro on a daily basis, I guess I still feel like I've succeeded in that I'm not freaking out about taking pills and getting more and basically just taking the syrup to help ease the misery of the w/d. Some people might say I'm fooling myself - maybe I am - but I honestly don' think I am. I am doing what works for me. Nothing so far has worked and I've never made it this far before, so I am feeling confident that I can do this.

Last edited by oandesmama; 02-28-2006 at 02:53 PM.

 
Old 02-28-2006, 03:33 PM   #14
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Oanes, you are doing what you feel is right for you and what you are comfortable with; that is what counts. To do otherwise risks triggering your FEAR factor which that alone could cause panic/abort. Don't worry about what others may say. Just stay focused on you and what you need to do. You are progressing towards success.

The fact that you state you took your last pill Sunday am and started feeling miserable by Sunday night suggests the progression of WDs beginning, so it sounds like the syrup is holding off the worst WDs so far. At some point, whether it is tomorrow, next week, or next month, etc...you will have to conclude with a final dose; afterwhich you will experience WDs on some level...maybe people with experience with repeat taper detox can comment on their speculation of what you might expect. I have only tried an attempted taper detox once and failed with it....did it way too fast all in less than a week. It seems to me that some folks have posted that it is their belief that no matter what length the taper is the WDs are the same so that is why they say just jump CT and get it done. But, that thought can be just scarey for some to do so for them a taper is the only way they feel they can do it. None of it really matters as long as you achieve success through whatever works for you. You can do this honey. I know you are scared. If you are having WDs at all, post what you are experiencing...post your fears, feelings....posting is journalling your process, it will help get you through it. Then you need to copy/paste your journal into a word document so you have it available to go back and read your thoughts/fears/and why you knew you needed to do this...it will help you later. But, for right now you just need to get through this. There are lots of caring people on this Board, you will receive many posts of support to help give you support and encouragement. Hang in there!!! I'll check back in you later

 
Old 02-28-2006, 03:44 PM   #15
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Re: Okay, here goes....gonna try this

Oandes - You ARE doing great!!!!!! I personally say that the syrup is definetley stonger in opiates for they have hydro and codene in them. But using that for sleep is a great idea!! No sleeping is the worst part for me, when going CT. I am going CT today from 6-8 loritab pills/day at 5 mgs each which comes to 30-40 mgs a day. I have tried CT before and tapering and I came to the conclusion that CT is the way for me for I have no will-power!!!

When I went CT before, from 40mgs/day I didn't get any WD symptoms till the second nite when the restless stuff started and couldn't sleep at all which then caused the blahs and depression! So by day 4 I thought I can't take it anymore so I decided to taper. But again NO WILL POWER took more than should for the taper. That was about 4 weeks ago (I think). This time my last pill was 9:00 last nite, I started WD symptoms at 10:00 a.m. - achey, jumping out of skin, upset stomach, and cry at nothing!!!! So, needless to say that is very discouraging for me but I have no pills (Thank God) and I am gonig to suffer through it!!! (Like you for my 2 wonderful children!!!!!) My husband is of GREAT support, so far!?!?!?!?!?

Thank you for your support on the HEY GINA..... thread!!!!!

Let's do this together for it sounds like we have parellel lives (stay home moms, 2 wonderful children and a wonderful home, Husbands that know, husbands that sometimes gets irritated at us and uses the pill thing of amo!).

Luv and Hugs ~GINA~

 
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