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Old 03-06-2006, 09:23 AM   #1
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Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

I posted earlier introducing myself. I was trying to wean myself with cough syrup and it was going well for me. However when I ran out of the syrup of course the w/d's hit huge. I don't know if I'm just that much of a wimp, but I honestly can't handle them. They scare me to death - I've been through them before but never really for any reason other than I ran out of pills a day or two before my refill was due. Or because Fedex was late with the delivery, etc. It wasn't because I was really trying to stop like I am now. That's not to say that I haven't tried to stop before. Believe me, I have tried many times. Never successfully - and never with the extreme desire to really do it. It's always been half-hearted because I figured it was the right thing to do. This time it is so much more than that. I want to quit because I've got two beautiful babies now - I want to live a long and healthy life for them. I am close to my family now (for the past five years or so we were living out of state due to my husbands job) and want to truly enjoy the time we have with them. I'm so sick of being so tied down to a pill bottle. Counting pills, making sure I've got enough to get me through to the next refill, checking my watch to see if it's time for me to take my next dose. And on and on. It's enough already!

So I talked with my husband, asked him to help me with a taper schedule. I was trying so hard o get him to believe that "this time" was for real that I was overly ambitious on the amount I said I'd taper to. I told him that I'd take only two pills a day. One in the morning, and one at 8pm. Well, we tried it - it was waaaayyy too hard for me. I was so miserable - twitchy, jumpy, exhausted but unable to sleep. I knew that I wanted to do it with as little discomfort as possible so that I could make it work. I know some people say just suck it up and go cold turkey. I honestly don't think I can do it. Maybe I'm a wimp, but I know that my chances of success with this are better if I can taper off.

So yesterday my mom had offered to watch the kids for us for a bit so that we could go out and spend some time together. We dropped them off at noon yesterday and I was feeling horrible. We went to look through some open houses and afterwards I just burst into tears and told my husband that I can't take it anymore. I'm too miserable and I was trying to be so brave by saying that I can do it with two pills a day. We had a long talk, mostly me talking. I begged and begged and he said that I'd told him to stay strong with me and not give in no matter what. So it was hard for me to make him realize that I wanted to work on something that I knew would work for me. He said that I've tried this so many times and he thinks I'm in over my head, etc. We did the whole long discussion. I tried to tell him how alone I feel, how ashamed I am, that I feel like such a loser for being in this position to begin with. Believe me - I NEVER imagined myself to be addicted to any type of drugs. Like I said once before, I've never even done drugs, with the exception of pot a few times. I don't really drink (mostly because it gives me migraines, not because I'm against drinking - migraines are what got me into this mess to begin with) I started taking the pills to help with the headaches. Then I found that I was getting rebound headaches when I stopped the pills. My migraines would last for days at a time. I'll be honest and say that I did like the feeling the pills gave me - that relaxed, mellow feeling. Sure - it was great. Unfortunately it didn't take long for that feeling to go away because I developed a tolerance to them. I eventually was given Norco which is the equivalent of taking two Vicodin. I'd take two of them at a time - never more. I was always scared of overdosing. So although I was taking them every single day, whether I felt pain or not - I wasn't popping them at all hours randomly. It was more to feel normal because if I stopped my body would revolt in the form of withdrawal. Years later, here I sit.

Anyway my husband and I sat down and drew up a taper plan for me. It gives me three weeks to taper down to nothing. I will get one pill in the morning when I get up. One pill 6 hours later, around 2pm, and another at 8pm, before bedtime. This for 4 days. Then 2.5 pills for 4 days. Then 2 pills for 4 days. Then 1.5 pills for 4 days. Then 1 pill for 4 days. Then all finished. This gets me totally off the pills and I have two days on no pills before leaving for a spring break trip with my mom, the kids and my sister and nephew. I know I can do this. It's hard, but I know this will work.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I do this. So far I think it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I really do.

Maybe someone can answer a question for me. Last night before going to bed I got my pill. I wondered if it was better to take half and then half again later in the night when I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. But I feel like my body is in such withdrawal mode when I do get that pill, that taking half is going to put such a tiny amount into my system that I'm not going to get any relief from it. I tried half last night and an hour later I was still feeling so jittery and shaky. So I took the other half. Any thoughts or recommendations on that?

Anyway, here I am on day two of this 20 day ordeal. I think that after another day or two, once my body adjusts to this drastically lower amount of opiates I will be feeling better. Wish me luck and thank you for the support. It means so much to me to know that I'm not alone in this.

 
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Old 03-06-2006, 09:37 AM   #2
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mpvt HB User
Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Have you looked into buprenorphene.It's a pill you take sublingualy and it keeps the withdrawls and cravings at bay allowing the patient to get their lives straitened out.Look up suboxone on any search engine and have a look.The success rate is quite good with this drug.Good luck....Dave

 
Old 03-06-2006, 09:47 AM   #3
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Smile Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

You are in my thoughts and prayers. It is funny how our lives can take a turn and suddenly we are in full blown addiction. I am in the same boat as you as I take them for a medical reason too. Now I am in a point of my life when I want to try and get off them and I too am scared to death of the WD's.

You sound as if you have a very understanding husband as I do. I hope this taper works for you. I haven't ever taken Norco's but I think I have tried everything else to get to something that works. I take 25 oxycodone a day and would give anything if I were down to your dose. I think you are doing great and you should be proud of yourself.

I know what you mean about being around for your young children. My girls are all older but I have my little granddaughter and am having a little grandson in 2 weeks. I don't get the warm and fuzzy feeling from taking them and I don't remember every getting that feeling but I want to alert and clearminded when I have my grandbaby.

I can't help you much with your taper as I am going to try my hardest to go through the same thing but I will be there in spirit and prayers. Good luck to you and god bless you and your family.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 10:40 AM   #4
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Michelle, you will very likely still have WDs (though perhap they may be somewhat lessened) after stopping at 1 pill level that will last the 5-7 day cycle which may be a problem ending the 1 pill 2 days before your planned trip. In my opinon, the most effective taper splits the last pill into 1/8ths or even 1/16ths and then randomly drops a fraction dose every 3-4 days until you are down to only one fraction dose in the am and one at night; then drop the am dose and 3-4 days later drop the pm dose.

I know you are scared of WDs, that is understandable. It is NORMAL to be scared. But, there isn't a detox process you can go through and not feel any WDs, sorry---it just comes with the turf of the situation you find yourself in. There just isn't a rosy way to detox; period. I wish there was. Whatever process you follow all leads to that last pill eventually. There are drug assisted bridge tapers, but those drugs themselves involve their own WDs in the end. Some have posted they had even worse experience with ending the "drug assist" drugs. Michelle, you are likely going to stay in this maddening cycle until you come to terms what has to be done. Only you change that course when you are ready.

Your fears are causing you to stay tethered to the pills. Until you are determined enough to make that change it is not going to happen. You WANT it, yes. But, you are not yet ready to sacrafice for it. You are angry at the aggravation that pill dependency has brought into your life; but, you are not yet mad enough to do anything about it. You will reach that point. We all do. It just takes time; some just take longer.

The barrier to your detox success is your fears and YOU. To escape your fears, you have prioritized unrealistic requirements that must be in place in order for you to have that success---that undermines your "stated" goal, doesn't it? You do know that, right? You want off the drugs, but only through a convenient detox with no unpleasantries? Hellooooo, it doesn't exist. As long as you keep insisting on unrealistic requirements you are surrendering your quality of life to the control of something other than you. To succeed at detox you have to want it so bad that you WILL sacrafice to get it.

After you are done running yourself, and your husband, ragged chasing all options that will still allow you still take pills for as long as possible you will finally accept what needs to be done. You will have to as there will be no other choice left to explore. My hope is that you would just take a week and do it so you can really enjoy your trip with your Mom and family. But, you just aren't ready for that yet. Meanwhile you will continue to be robbed of wonderful life events and experiences with loved ones. My guess is that maybe that moment might come for you if you become too WD drug sick to go on the trip with your Mom or if you are able to go, not able to enjoy it---that may be the upcoming life event that causes the anger to really set in. Whether it is that or another event...there will be one that does it for you. We all had our final get angry moment at how much our lives were really screwed up. Unfortunately, it takes that moment to bring about change. All things happen for a reason. My heart is with you sweetie through your tumultuous journey to reach the point of taking control of your life back.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 11:48 AM   #5
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

it sure sounds to me its in your mind to continue the process over and over again until you realize its time to quit......prolonging the agony,telling yourself its ok to start a 20 day taper when you couldnt even get by on two.....what happens when you get down to two and tell yourself you cant take it....we all need help but you sound like i used to be....youve got a family.....take a month off,get your system clean and come back and tell me how you feel after one month,no opiates,no sleep help.......chef

 
Old 03-06-2006, 11:54 AM   #6
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

p.s.....youll be in major w/d's on your spring break with the family....if you really want to enjoy that family time if you abstain today/tommorow and dont touch again youll feel up to doing stuff with your kids in a month...chef

 
Old 03-06-2006, 12:29 PM   #7
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Ouch. Not sure where the support comes in in those posts. I AM trying and obviously you guys don't see that.

I did not say that I don't want to feel ANY unease. I know that I will have to deal with the physical aspect of this. Of course I will. And I am. I am feeling the physical withdrawal right now, having gone from 10-12 pills daily to 3. Believe me, it's not comfortable. I'm not asking for a bed of roses here - just a way to do this to make it not quite SO miserable so that I can still function and take care of my family. That's all.

Perhaps you are right - maybe it's time to suck up and just do it. As you've both stated though - it's all about when I'm ready to do it. I know I am. I can't convince you of that - and it's not important that I do. I'm the one who has to know that and know how dedicated I am to doing this. I just thought this was a place to come for understanding and support. Not criticism. I feel like enough of a loser as it is. I don't need to hear it from the two of you.

Last edited by oandesmama; 03-06-2006 at 12:54 PM.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 01:19 PM   #8
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Sorry that you are taking things the wrong way just because we raised concerns about your plan. You have previously stated how important the upcoming vacation with your family is, and that the family members you will be vacationing with don't know the situation. The plan you have outlined for yourself will put you in the peak of WDs while on vacation with your family. Life is about choices; some get us into trouble; some get us out; and many are just plain hard. Only you can decide if being in peak WDs while away from home on vacation with family members is a good situation for you. Either way, support is there for you and only the best is wished for you as you navigate what is obviously a very trying and difficult situation.

Last edited by jam338; 03-06-2006 at 01:22 PM.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 01:27 PM   #9
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Wow , we have a lot in common. I started taking them for my headaches too. Massive migraines. They would steal a whole day from my life. Once I got those pills, we'll you know the story. Warm fuzzy friendly to counting, anxiety and that little voice in the back of your head saying "this has to stop". God that voice is such a buzz killing downer.
Anyway, you are about where I was last October. I went on Suboxone for 7 days. For me W/D from that was worse than just going C/T. I do think if I had found an addiction specialist, that put me on it for say six months, it would have worked. I just think you have to be on it for a while, then taper down slowly. Even then I would go completely off when I knew I had an easy week. That said, you doing great right now. You know you have to stop, you have clued in your husband and your here on this board. Three major steps in the right direction. Just do not underestimate the pill. I did that on my taper and ended up taking all the taper pills in about 6 days. My husband tried to help but , like when I quit smoking, he would say " Well if it makes you feel better just do it". His intent was good he just was not getting the big picture. It is hard for someone who has never done this to understand. This last time I made him read a lot of posts on this site. He gets it now.
I know I am rambling, I just want you to know I understand where you are and applaud you for trying. It seems all roads to recovery are hard. I agree with jamm on that fact that you have to get mad !! My trigger was when I realized how bad my credit score had become. It was 720 in the beginning and by time my "all is well, everything is going to be find, little yelllow friends left" it was 480. We almost lost our house and I had stopped caring. I started planning my detox the day the default letter came in the mail it was my wake up call. Luckily my husband swallowed his pride and went to his parents. They helped and he is almost over it now. (long story short)
I started laughing again by day 5 and now tomorrow will be three weeks. I have had no desire to take a pill. I know I am done. It has been hard cleaning up the mess I let them make. Everyday I think of something or someone else I neglected. It's a process.
Your method can work you just have to be determined.
Posting is a big step! Keep on posting! Let everyone know how your doing. Do not get to down on yourself ! You will get through this ! Plenty of people have worked the taper and been suscessful ! Maybe you can go to the doc's and tell him you have been having trouble sleeping and he can give you something to help. You don't have to tell him everything. I hear good things about the new drug for restless leg syndrome helps a lot. Also if you are sick on spring break, tell everyone you have the flu. You will gradually get better everyday and life will get easier. It may get a little worse first but I promise it will get easier. I was glad to see the old me with all her flaws. You will be happy and proud of yourself for being strong !!!
Keep up the good work !! Focus on the prize !! Emma

 
Old 03-06-2006, 01:38 PM   #10
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Everyone has to do this their own way. You feel this taper plan is the right one for you then that is GREAT. Just keep working at it and stay on track and you will succeed. CT is great for some but not for others, the same as taperine works for some but not for others. It's a person to person thing. I wish you the absolute BEST of luck! Keep us posted as to how you are feeling throughout the taper.

tina

 
Old 03-06-2006, 02:24 PM   #11
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Thanks for the support, everyone. I will continue to taper as I stated earlier. I will redo my plan to cut off a few days so that I will leave for my trip on day 5. I've done this before - I know that I've stopped c/t and began to feel better by the third day. That was cutting off from 10-12 daily to none. I would imagine that jumping from 1 daily to none won't be quite as drastic for me and by day 5 I'll be feeling good again. So that's the plan. I am going to be drug-free by this trip and in time to enjoy it. I don't think I need or want subox - I've thought about it and I don't really want to draw this out any longer than necessary. So that is the plan. Please wish me luck - I am going to do this this time.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 02:40 PM   #12
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

oandesmama......sorry to be harsh but its the brutal truth.....w/d comes from takin the pills and there is no way.....no way.....no way....no way to prevent them....once youve jumped that hurdle.....once youve come to terms.....once youve realized that you will feel worse before you feel better,everything will fall into place....trust me....ive tried a zilliojn times to stop and finally it took a spiritual intervention....thats one of three things you lose to addiction.....im sorry that i type strait from the brain and it doesnt show feelins....you just have to be in reality and grips with the fact that we/you have a problem with opiates...i used for many/many years.....i tried to quit with methadone....i tried to quit with subutex/soboxone....i even injected bupenorphine....the only way in my eyes to quit is to quit...i only prolonged the inevitable both financially and spiritualy and physically and ect..........my eyes are finally opened....youll be suprised if yopu can just stop for a month how much life can be better for you and your family....i read when you said you were takin the syrup at night,only to help you sleep....yeah.......prolonging the agony is what i read....dont think of me as being critical...or negative....i was there too...pills,lortabs...50 a day...beat that....plus heroin,ect.....im now divorced...miss my 11 and 14 year old....all cause of opiates....go figure...im here to help,not bash.....but reality hurts...and so does the truth......if you can put down the pills,youll release the demon that drives your thoughts....chef

 
Old 03-06-2006, 03:34 PM   #13
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

I do appreciate your thoughts chef. But just because tapering didn't work for you, doesn't mean it won't work for others. Just because methadone didn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for others. Just because subutex/suboxone didn't work for you doesn't mean it won't work for others.....see where I'm going with this. I do appreciate hearing what you've got to say from someone who has been there. You are right - I fooled myself with the syrup. I thought it was a slow taper - it was just another way to get that hydro into my body. My mistake.

And you are right - the truth does hurt. I understand that - I truly do. I just know in my heart that I can and will beat this - these *blasted* (replace with nastiest word you can think of) pills are over with for me. If it takes me a little bit of time to taper myself - then that is okay. I don't need to prove to anyone but myself that I am going to do this. I've got a schedule - I am sticking to it - I don't even WANT to deviate from it. Before it was always about, "Hmm, how can I figure out a way to get a few extra pills today?" Or, "Hmm, let me try to figure out where those pills are hidden around here." I'm not even there right now. Not at all. I don't want to know where they are - I don't want any extras. I am sticking to this schedule and that is final. You can all shake your heads and say that I'm just fooling myself, but I am not. I'm exercising again every single day - even when I'm dragging because my body is aching for more hydro, I'm taking some of the vitamins and herbs on the list, and I am FINALLY cleaning these pills out of my life.

My babies are napping right now and I'm cleaning my house. I just did something that made me feel so good and so focused on this. I went through all my old hiding places, where I used to keep the empty pill bottles, so that I could keep track of refill dates and where I filled prescriptions and I put them in the garbage. Wow did that feel good. There are no pills in this house, other than the ones for my taper, which are locked in a safe only to be given to me at the designated times by my husband, and it feels darn good. It's going to feel so good to be over with this and it's going to feel so good to come back to you when I haven't taken a pill in a month and say, "I TOLD you I was going to do this, and I DID!" Thanks for your input and support - even if it does hurt.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 04:02 PM   #14
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

Michelle, I am glad to read you changed your schedule so it won't risk your vacation--I know how much it means to you to be pillfree and able to really enjoy your time with your family. I was worried that your taper would be another syrup adventure...which is fine but I just know how much you want to succeed, and-- well that wasn't it. You CAN do this, but you have to stay as determined the whole way. No way is an easy way; you just have to find your way. I am praying for you and your family.

 
Old 03-06-2006, 04:54 PM   #15
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Re: Ugh, this is so hard (long and rambling)

it took me a extra long time to get clean.....years...years....im glad your responding and thinking...you are important.....your life has meaning......i may come across as a putts but i care....ive been there......whats important is your thought process...stop....think....listen......h ear......what has your dependancy brought you that is positive?....what has become of your life that other people are proud of?...yes there are good things that happen every day to an addict...but there are more negative....please stay focused....chef

 
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