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Old 03-22-2006, 10:33 AM   #1
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Mothers on pills....please help!

I am 29 years old and have a beautiful toddler and a wonderful understanding husband who knows I'm a pill head and loves me so much anyway. I hate what I have done to myself and to him and my daughter. I have written once or twice here before in the last month but I'll go over the stats again. I have been using Hydro/Oxy for about 1 year & 6 months. It began in my last trimester of pregnancy when a condition call deQuere Vanes sysdrome, a swelling of the wrist and thumb area which I have had since 17 years old, became virtually unbareable. With the permission of my 2nd OBGYN (my first dropped me for not being honest about past and current cocaine and pill use, I have been clean of cocaine for 2 years now) my orthopedic put me on vicodin. I have had a love affair with pills since I was about 19. The first time I took a percocet I swore I had found the fountain of eternal energy and giddy-*** happiness. The first time I got addicted I was 25 and had a friend who worked for a MD and she called me in a bottle of 120 vicoprofen with 3 refills (never got caught) and I popped them happily for about 2 1/2 months. when I ran out I thought nothing of it. When I woke up the next morning and had the shakes and the sweats I thought "huh, this sucks but how long can it last?" It lasted 5 days, and It started on Monday and I had just started a new job and didn't feel I could call out, and I actually made it through withdrawal while working and never letting anyone (even my husband, boyfriend at the time) know what was up. But it was horrible and I swore I would never take those things long enough to experience withdrawal again. And I didn't for 3 years. I would use them here and there, I could usually get a bottle of 30 every 2 or 3 months from my md at that time, (he was conservative with them, luckily for me) due to the deQuere Vanes. By the time I was pregnant, I had a new doctor whose matto was "pain is a disease and should be treated like any other disease, with all available meds." Lucky me, I thought. I also managed to convince myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong because he recognized that I needed these meds, so I MUST need them, or else he wouldn't be giving them to me, wright? Well, my daughter was borne with no ill effects, thank God, and I continued to use, all the while knowing I was addicted, and I would always put off the thought of detoxing because I figured "how will I care for a new baby in the throws of withdrawal?" Well, 18 months later, and that is still my major obsticle. I tried to quit back in November. I went ct, told my husband and my parents who all ofcourse agreed to do whatever they could to help, and told my inlaws I had the flu. So the grandparents all took turns taking care of her. I didn't see her for 6 days strait and it was so depressing. The first 3 days weren't as bad as they are for most. But Day 4 was the beginning of my hell. The "stomache problems" were so bad, and I am so skinny to begin with (my Dad's genes) that I lost so much weight I was so damn weak, I could hardly climb stairs. Then the anxiety. I was afraid to hold my daughter because I was always shaking so badly. After missing 2 weeks of work (flu) and having panic attacks that practically made me hyperventalate, I took a pill. Then I kept it at 2 a day for 2 weeks, then of course, back to bad (sorry, I forgot to tell you how much I'm on - about 150 mg of oxy/hydro /day). I want to try again. I used the detox recipe last time and it helped some but obviously not enough. My question is - are there any mothers out there who have detoxed and had to take care of their kids while doing it? Does taking care of your little ones maybe help some - keep you busy, make time pass or is it impossible? Please, any advice is appreciated.

 
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Old 03-22-2006, 10:59 AM   #2
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Hydro,

I can answer your question, somewhat...yes I have had to take care of my son during w/ds....although he is older than your baby.... But what I can tell you is this... once you get past the first horrible days... which vary for all of us...only you know what that period of time is for you.... Anyway....once you are past the VERY worst physical part...... it will amaze you as to what you are actually capable of doing, when you have to. In my experience, even though all I ever wanted to do was die... the times that I had to function for one reason or another...lets see.....some of my worst w/d moments... 1. Having to work through it( always a challenge).2. A 16 hr flight from NY city to Anchorage AK.... on day 1 of wds from morphine(the longest 16hrs of my life)....3. fishing with my husband for 6 days....1 wk into w/d (he had no idea, and I managed to hide it from him..... Believe me the list goes on and on...I tried for 5 yrs to get clean, before finally succeeding.

The bottom line is, you can do this...if it is really what you want. There is a wonderful life on the other side of addiction....Use the love you have for your daughter and husband find the strength you need. I am sure someone else will chime in here with more for you.... But, you know what you need to do, now you just need to do it! Keep us posted....and Good Luck!
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Old 03-22-2006, 12:52 PM   #3
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Hydro, first congratulations on your decision to improve the quality of your life for you and your family. While it is good to know and share support about asking what others experienced regarding child care capacity during WDs, please don't forget that this is not your first rodeo with this. You said you just went through it in November so you can pretty well predict how YOUR system is going to handle it; doesn't really matter what someone else is or is not capable of. Sorry, not meaning to sound so blunt, just trying to help you focus on planning based on your own experience. While I hate that you went through WDs already, the good news is that you KNOW what to expect and can plan accordingly. In my opinon most successful detoxes, ones that last, are well planned as a result of knowing what to expect and having coping options available.

If you weren't able to care for your baby in November, then you know it is a risk. Since you told your parents about the planned detox, maybe they can help with childcare. It is critical that you plan in advance. As you know, for many of us WDs are so intense that we can barely care for ourselves, let alone a toddler. Yes, you will miss your baby while she is being cared for by someone else, but it is only TEMPORARY, for about a week. Everyone's experience with WDs is unique to their own body chemistry. Whatever you experienced in November, you are likely to experience again. For many of us there is an agitation/anger phase of WDs. If that occurred to you in November, then please give the highest consideration to prioritizing your child's needs and safety. Your baby does not deserve to be subjected to the additional stress and/or risks during that phase hon.

 
Old 03-23-2006, 05:34 AM   #4
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Hydro,your story is similar to alot of addicts out there so your not alone.Have you looked into buprenorphene (suboxone,subutex).This is an opiate agonist-antiagonist that will take away your cravings and withdrawls while you stop the abusive pill popping (mental) also it will let you get your life back on track.Once your stable and ready then you start a slooooow detox.You can find lot's of info on the internet.Methadone would be way out of your league and would probably cause you more problems then anything else.Whatever you decide you've got a head start with an understanding husband and family.Good luck to you....Dave

 
Old 03-23-2006, 05:42 AM   #5
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Hey guys, thank you for your replies. Last time, I took a lot of xanax and slept through the first 3 days, so I obviously wasn't trying to care for anyone but myself. However, I think that taking the xanax may have ultimately prolonged the withdrawal process. I was surprised by how easily days 1 - 3 passed, then it hit me like a ton of bricks on days 4 - 8. I never really felt any better. I was taking .25 xanax 2 - 3 times a day during the end just to control the anxiety and I couldn't seem to get rid of the stomach problems no matter how much immodium I took. I also had a fever of around 99.5 for the entire 2 weeks, which is odd and makes it just that much more uncomfortable. I guess I know in my heart that I can't take care of my daughter during this time, not without a lot of help. I just feel so guilty sending her to stay with relatives for so long like I did the first time. I feel like she feels abandoned. I talked to a couple of good friends last night, one of whom is in NA and I have known forever. He said he would be willing to take a few days off from work and come stay with me and help me take care of my daughter. My husband said he would take off too, so I do have a lot of support. And if push came to shove I could always call mom and dad and have them come and get her. I just downloaded the papers for state disability. My doctor said that if I wanted to take some time off from work and rest my hands and arms he is all for it and just pick a date. So I have more opportunity than most to get this taken care of. I have emotional support, childcare help, the ability to take a month or 2 or 3 off from work and get paid, so I know what I have to do. I have an apt. with the doc on Monday. I will have him fill out the papers and I will tell my boss. Then I will get clean. I am so tired of being this person. I feel like such a loser. I am angry at myself for letting this go so far. I am angry at the doctors that gave me permission and the means to become a junky. That is what is so bad about the pills. You have a doctor telling you, "it's ok to take them, you need them. Your justified in using them." And people like me with addiction issues say, "Hey, you're right! I AM justified in using. These pills are medically necesary for me to function without pain!" Then I wake up and realize - no they are not. I am just telling myself that so I don't have to admit that I am an addict. Well guess what everyone? I AM AN ADICT! And I'm going to do something about it.
Please, everyone keep writing to me. I need as much support as I can get. I promise I will return the favor when I am clean and someone on this board is reaching out for help.
Amy

 
Old 03-23-2006, 06:33 PM   #6
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Amy, it is wonderful that you have a good support system. You will be able to do this. You know what to expect with WDs since you just went through it in November; that experience will help you immensely in planning and make the experience far less fearful and stressful. You can further reduce the fears and stress by planning your detox. Don't just walk off a ledge. You wouldn't start a vacation without planning and preparedness; nor should you start a detox without planning and preparedness. Not that detox is a thing like a vacation, but you get the point. If you plan for the possibilities to be coped with then it will make detoxing far less stressful and less fearful and strengthen your resolve for success.

The 3 days of Xanax support during initial opiate WDs does help with anxiety and sleep, but for people with addiction problems it also presents a risk. Just make sure that you know in your heart that you can successfully manage that risk. I am assuming that you managed that in November with no problem.

 
Old 03-23-2006, 06:48 PM   #7
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Amy,

Sounds to me as if you have the right frame of mind.... Just be strong when you feel like you are weakening! and ya know...I don't subscribe to the AA/NA thing (just my personal opinion).. but the serenity prayer saved my *** more than once... so just find your strength......whatever that may be.. a child.. a thought... a spouse.. a sponsor...a prayer.... but find it, and hold onto it.....!!!!!!!!

As far as "planning"..... that didn't work for me either. I could and would find a reason not to detox... Lucky for me.... the time FINALLY presented itself.... and I did it... but I also realize, that I am much luckier than some. Even though I lost everything close to me, I didn't lose my life or my freedom, and that, I am SO GRATEFUL FOR!!!!!!

It is almost a given that each of us has to "hit bottom" before we wake up, but I count myself lucky that I didn't kill myself, or someone else during my "fog".....

This can be done......I am a true testimant, beleive me!!!!!! Keep me posted, please!
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Old 03-24-2006, 10:10 AM   #8
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Hi everyone. Thank you all for the votes of confidence! God know's I'm gonna need them! I printed out the disabillity forms yesterday and I have an apt. on Monday. I am trying to taper my dosage over the next 4 weeks so that it might be a bit less painfull when I go CT next month, but I, like so many others on this board, have a very hard time tapering. I am taking between 100 & 150 mg per day, and when I try to either take less pills at one time or put more time between doses, if I feel the slightest bit of wd I cave and take another pill. So idealy getting down to 50 or even 75 mg before my jump would be good, I am not counting on it. But I am sticking to my plan of going ct the very first weekend that my disabillity begins. I will have no choice because I have told my husband and 2 friends who plan on helping with the baby that this is what I am going to do, and if I try to back out or put it off for a week or even a day, they will lose their faith in me, and I surely don't want that. I wish that I could just do it right now, this very minute, but I know that come Monday when I have to get up at 5:15 and go to work, I'll have to take a pill. So there is no point in doing it now. I will wait until I know I am in the position to do this and do it right. I will keep on posting and will update you guys after my apt. on Monday. I am shooting for a disabillity date of Friday, April 21st. That should be enough time for me to train a replacement. Thank you all for your kind words of support. I need them now and will definately need them over the next few months.
Amy

 
Old 03-24-2006, 10:26 AM   #9
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

Just curious...how are you qualifying for disability? Not meaning to be prying, just wondering if drug issues actually qualify a person for disability. If so, it might be good for others reading to know it might be possible in their state. You haven't designated which state you are in.

Good luck with your progress

 
Old 03-24-2006, 10:47 AM   #10
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Re: Mothers on pills....please help!

I live in NJ. I am qualifying because of the deQuere Vanes syndrome that started this whole mess. It is an inflamatory disorderof the hand and wrist, which causes my thumb and sometimes all of my fingers to siez up. I also have chronic inflamation of my shoulders. I have had surgery on both wrists to release the tendons and had surgery on my left hand in Sept. '05 for "trigger finger release". So I have a well documented history of med. problems and for someone like me who is a bookkeeper and spends all day typing and writing, working is just making the disorder worse. My doctor thinks that taking a few month off might be what I need to let my body heal and rest, so I am taking advantage of that.

 
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