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Old 06-24-2006, 12:36 PM   #1
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Question Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

I am always worried when I do not hear from my daughter. She has been an addict for about 15 years. It started when she was in college. We tried the rehab route about 5 years ago where she did well but then has relapsed again and again. She is now 35 years old and is a mess and is making me a mess. I have been playing the avoiding game but feel so unhappy and worried. Do you have any suggestions?

 
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Old 06-24-2006, 02:41 PM   #2
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

Prayer, not only for your daughter but for yourself. I know it sounds short, and I am 99% sure you have already done this... But reality is that until she is done using it's pretty much hope and hope alone that we cling to.

Wishing you the best,
Lance

Last edited by moderator2; 06-24-2006 at 03:00 PM. Reason: If you are the first person to reply to a post, please do not quote the post.

 
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Old 06-24-2006, 03:59 PM   #3
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS OUT DOING HERION AND EVERYTHING HORRIBLE THAT GOES WITH IT,I PUT MY MOM THREW HELL, BUT I HAD TO STOP!!!NO ONE CAN STOP US,ITS NOT JUST THE DRUG BUT THE LIFE THAT GOES WITH IT, but i knew she was there for me ,i did not want to see her only because i didnt want to hurt her so i stayed away........put her in gods hands....pray,it took me on and off 30yrs, now iam living here with her, and its good between us,,,,,,,,its not easy but we have to want to stop, even now i get feelings of drugs ,but once i start remembering the MADNESS IT PASS'S iam a addict for life so everyday i thank GOD for a clean day, .....love her and pray,,,,god bless you

 
Old 06-25-2006, 03:35 AM   #4
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

I am in the same shoes as you, only my son is younger, and we have been dealing with the problem for about three years rather than for 15 like you.

Does you daughter live with you? We found that the only way my wife and I could keep our sanity was not to be faced with his lifestyle every day. We made our son move out of the house.

It did not make him stop, but it did help us emotionally. Also, I know that by kicking him out of our house, it is not as easy for him to keep up his addiction.

Also, I found faith in God helps a lot too. There is nothing I have found or heard of that can empower us as parents to stop our children's addiction, no matter what age.

About the best we can hope for is to help ourselves deal with the emotional pain because watching our kids destroy themselves destroys us at least as fast as the drugs destroys our children.

Last edited by kindathinkin; 06-25-2006 at 03:38 AM.

 
Old 06-25-2006, 12:23 PM   #5
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

No, I had to throw her out and take her car away. She has managed to keep a job as a waitress which is not what she is capable of doing. My husband (her stepfather) paid for her college (5 yrs to a very good school). She was 6 months from a degree and relapsed. We sent her away to a rehab where she seemed to do well but after returning home, got a job, and we helped her get a car (mistake) and managed to go back into the same old routine.

It was so stressful on my husband that I helped her get a place to live and moved her out. She managed to lose that apartment and had so many accidents that her brother and I took the car away. She now lives on her own and takes a bus. I found out that her brother who lives with us helped her with her rent as she relapsed a month ago again. She freely admitted to him that she had relapsed.

She is also not well--has recurring bouts of pneumonia and Chrone's Disease. So you can see why I am so worried because she does not take good care of herself. I am at the point that I feel that talking to a professional may be the only way that I can handle the grief to cope with my husband's long-term illness and her addiction. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to cope. Since retirement I seem to have more time to think than when I was busier.

 
Old 06-25-2006, 08:47 PM   #6
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

Quote:
Originally Posted by sisteroo
No, I had to throw her out and take her car away. She has managed to keep a job as a waitress which is not what she is capable of doing. My husband (her stepfather) paid for her college (5 yrs to a very good school). She was 6 months from a degree and relapsed. We sent her away to a rehab where she seemed to do well but after returning home, got a job, and we helped her get a car (mistake) and managed to go back into the same old routine.

It was so stressful on my husband that I helped her get a place to live and moved her out. She managed to lose that apartment and had so many accidents that her brother and I took the car away. She now lives on her own and takes a bus. I found out that her brother who lives with us helped her with her rent as she relapsed a month ago again. She freely admitted to him that she had relapsed.

She is also not well--has recurring bouts of pneumonia and Chrone's Disease. So you can see why I am so worried because she does not take good care of herself. I am at the point that I feel that talking to a professional may be the only way that I can handle the grief to cope with my husband's long-term illness and her addiction. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to cope. Since retirement I seem to have more time to think than when I was busier.
You should absolutely seek professional help for your own grief. Once your child gets to the point of your daughter, it is almost like living through her death over and over again. It is terrible.

My wife fell into deep depression over our son's drug addiction. I almost had to have her institutionalized. She stayed in bed for more than a week - refused to eat, only cried, would not even talk, just crying and crying for days on end. It was frightening. I never felt so alone with so many things going wrong at the same time. If I pulled her out of bed, she just laid on the floor where she fell until I picked her up and put her back in bed. - she just completely checked out of reality. You apparently aren't to that stage or you wouldn't be writing now. Anyway, I eventually got her some help and a councellor was very helpful for my wife. We can't afford councelling for both of us, but even I benefit from some of the things that my wife shares from her meetings with her councellor.

Last edited by kindathinkin; 06-25-2006 at 11:52 PM.

 
Old 06-26-2006, 04:38 PM   #7
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

There have been times that I have tried to contact her--I pay for her to have a cell phone otherwise . . Her boyfriend lives with her--is a nice guy--no drugs--but is an illegal and beats her up when she is incoherent. NOT GOOD either way. I try to keep myself busy etc. but she calls whenever in trouble and her brother bails her out--but does not face the reality he is enabling her. He is trying to protect my husband (ill) and I so that she does not end up on our doorstep. I think I need to find a professional to talk to, but have always had good friends and family around me. My husband is seriously ill now and I do not want to burden him. Sometimes I feel that everyone who gives advice does not know the pain that I have inside.

Last edited by sisteroo; 06-26-2006 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 06-28-2006, 01:59 AM   #8
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

Quote:
Originally Posted by sisteroo
There have been times that I have tried to contact her--I pay for her to have a cell phone otherwise . . Her boyfriend lives with her--is a nice guy--no drugs--but is an illegal and beats her up when she is incoherent. NOT GOOD either way. I try to keep myself busy etc. but she calls whenever in trouble and her brother bails her out--but does not face the reality he is enabling her. He is trying to protect my husband (ill) and I so that she does not end up on our doorstep. I think I need to find a professional to talk to, but have always had good friends and family around me. My husband is seriously ill now and I do not want to burden him. Sometimes I feel that everyone who gives advice does not know the pain that I have inside.
A lot of people on this board understand your pain. For every addict, there is a parent who suffered or is suffering. You are not alone.

 
Old 06-28-2006, 04:46 AM   #9
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

your daughter isn't going to stop until she hits rock bottom and im sorry to tell you this but if people keep bailing her out of her mess's it will never happen and your misery will never end i had a cocaine addiction 15 years ago i ended up in jail and when i called my mother she said tuff stay there best thing she ever did i got out of jail after 3 months and i have never touched the stuff again and never will i went back to school got my children back that other people were raising my youngest is now a senior in highschool there is hope if you stop helping her my mother called it tuff love i really think you need to try it and tell her brother to stop helping her

 
Old 06-28-2006, 06:14 AM   #10
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

Quote:
Originally Posted by spider37
your daughter isn't going to stop until she hits rock bottom and im sorry to tell you this but if people keep bailing her out of her mess's it will never happen and your misery will never end i had a cocaine addiction 15 years ago i ended up in jail and when i called my mother she said tuff stay there best thing she ever did i got out of jail after 3 months and i have never touched the stuff again and never will i went back to school got my children back that other people were raising my youngest is now a senior in highschool there is hope if you stop helping her my mother called it tuff love i really think you need to try it and tell her brother to stop helping her
This is true and very good advise. The "bottom" for some people can be so low that it is beyond the threshold of pain for us as parents. Et is extremely difficult to see our children put themselves in danger and lose everything.

Still, we every bit we do to help our children financially prolongs their drug use and puts them at further risk.

 
Old 11-29-2006, 05:05 AM   #11
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

I feel your pain. Our 28 year old son has a drug problem and has for about 9 years. We gave him numerous chances. It seems to just get worse. Now he has a six year old daughter that is getting caught in his web.
His last episode:
1. second marriage of 3 months to another user. Lands on our doorstep when it didn't work out. Broke, nowhere to bring our grandaughter, we let him in.
2. gets a paycheck, blows it all on durgs, alcohol, hotel with other user "ladies".
3. comes home for the next weekend with grandaughter, broke, high on something.
4. starts to leave with grandaughter in vehicle. Was told I would call the police if he put her in the car. Left with her anyway. 10 minutes later, grandaughter ringing doorbell saying her "Daddy" gave her a choice of coming here or going home to her mom. She chose here.
5. Next morning he shows up at door wanting to know where she was. Ask 4 times as if he had lost her. Was told to take it down the road and come back tomorrow and we would talk. Grandaughter needed a break from the drama.
6. We find out he has went to his grandmothers ( who has a life time of drug abuse). Get a call that he didn't show up for work.
7. We talk with neighbors that live near by his grandmother. Find out he is so far gone, him and her are stumbling out in the front yard.
8. We hear from a neighbor he has still not returned to work because he is "sick" because we made him sleep in his truck.

 
Old 11-29-2006, 10:09 PM   #12
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Re: Parent of Adult Cocaine Addict

If we could all see what we are doing to these addicts, whether they are our sons daughters, cousins, mothers, brothers or sisters, by enabling them, we would stop. When an addict gets desperate, who do they call? US...what do we do? Let them in, give them food, money, cell phones so they can call us when they NEED us again. It's not really need, it's use. They use us. And they will continue to use us, as long as we allow it. STOP!!!!!!!!!!! Set the rules of your household and stick to them. Don't allow addicts to destroy you! We do allow it!! It's hard not to, I know......believe me I know...but I have gotten to a point where I don't care about the addict anymore. I care about my son. And as long as he chose to do drugs, my caring went out the window. But........it takes a while to get your belly full. But you will. If it doesn't break you emotionally and financially first...don't let it. Do get therapy, counselling for YOURSELF.....we need to take care of us........they won't change until they are ready....and we dont want to drop dead before that happens!! Do we?????? Let's take care of US...........parents deserve that. If your son or daughter is 21..........let go!!!!!!!!!!
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