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Old 07-21-2006, 08:27 AM   #1
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feelinglost HB User
Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Hello all.............I am not new to this site. I found this site about a year ago, and read and posted everyday several months, but now have been gone for quite some time. Anyway, here is my story. I dated my boyfriend (who is now currently my ex bf) for over 2 1/2 years. We broke up because I couldn 't handle dealing with his addiction and relapses. His drug of choice is coke and has been in rehab. twice in the past year. He is currenly working his program very dilligently. He goes to NA meetings everyday, calls his sponser almost daily, and is working the steps with sincereity for the first time. The problem is this........He wants more than anything for us to be togehter again, and will do anything to prove to me that he can and will stay clean. But I am scared to death to trust this because of his past relapses. I do see a big change in his attitude and dedication to working his program and for the first time he is actually praying and believing in his higher power. In the past, he would go to meetings, but was basically just going to go; he wasn't putting anything into it and therefore he wasn't getting much out of his meetings. Now it is just the opposite.......he participates in the meetings, calls other addicts, and has a sponser (which he had not been willing to do before). However, eventhough I see all of this, I am scared to death to trust that it will last. If it was just me maybe I would feel differently, but I also have two children. They both love my ex bf and want me to be with him, however they don't know everything (which at this point is best). He has never been anything but wonderful to them and around them, and has never used or been around them when he was using. So, I guess what I am asking is am I crazy for even thinking about giving him another chance??? I know if I did, he would have to have at least 6months to a year clean time before I would actually officially go back out with him or make any type of commitment to him. But my bigger fear is if I do what is going to happen down the road???? I know my ex cant guareentee that he wont have another relapse even if he has a year clean time, and that scares the hell right out of me. How likely is it if someone continues to work the program and use the steps and has a year clean time, that they will relapse??? Am I crazy for thinking about giving him another chance???

Any and all comments are welcome!!! Thanks!!

 
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Old 07-21-2006, 08:47 AM   #2
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Philster2003 HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

If it was me and I'm a very black and white person, no grey areas, I would move on. I know that may not be a popular view point here but it is what it is.

phil

 
Old 07-21-2006, 09:16 AM   #3
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Podee HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Well, if you have children he will always be a part of your life and theirs. So you might want to start off with seeing if he wants to be a part of their lives, and then just observe him during these times. Eventually you will come upon the right answer.

I was never that destructive to people around me and did not hit a serious serious bottom, but I relapsed more than a few times before I achieved long term recovery. Been clean and sober for years now.

 
Old 07-21-2006, 12:16 PM   #4
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ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

FeelingLost-
As the wife of a former addict, I do know that if someone is truly serious about staying clean, they will.

When someone is addicted to anything, there is always a chance they will relapse, even years down the road. Sure, the cravings get fewer and far between (as far as my husband says), so as the years go along, the chances of them relapsing would be less perhaps. (I hope so anyway)

Only you can decide whether you are willing to take him back, but as you said, it's not just you, but also the children you have to think about as well. My husband never got abusive, rude, or ugly when he was in active addiction either, but it still did not take away the fact that he was an addict. Cocaine doesn't just magically disappear from your system.

I do know that people who are recovering need all the support they can get, and many of them need to stay active in some sort of support group and/or counseling even years after getting clean. My husband was fortunate in that he didn't need it. He quit cold turkey with no support except from me because none of our family members even knew about it.

It sounds like your boyfriend does need the help from these support groups, and if you decide to take him back, it would be good to do it under the condition of him staying in some sort of support group like NA. It might also help if you attended support groups as well. If you really love him, and want to make a life with him, you will need to be very aware of any changes in his personality immediately. I know it's a hard choice, but when the time comes, you will know in your heart which way to go.

I'm glad you decided to start posting again. I will repeat this before I go- People can and do completely change. They can stay clean and not relapse if they have the right support system whether it be AA/NA, family support, peer support, etc.

Take Care.....
Lezlee

Last edited by ozzybug; 07-21-2006 at 12:18 PM.

 
Old 07-21-2006, 12:59 PM   #5
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feelinglost HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Thank-you to every one that replyed!!! I can't tell you how wonderful I feel with the support from this board.

Tim, What a great question to ask me....." Take the dope out of the equation, if everything else is peachy I think you have your answer?" No questions asked with out drugs in his life, he is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with!! ~ He is a wonderful, caring person and I don't want to spend my life without him. But I also now how destructive life is with drugs in your life. I also want to thank you for the info. regarding chap. 7 of the NA book. My ex bf. doesn't go anywhere without it. I will have to read that chapter. I can't tell you how hope i gives me to hear success stories like yours! People that don't understand addiction can't possibly relate to what an addict or a loved one of an addict goes through!

Thank-you again for your post!!

Lezlee,

Thank-you for you post.......It is so nice to hear from someone that has gone this with their addict and was successful. I know in my heart that my ex. bf can do this............I see the changes in him and how serious he is about his recovery. I am glad you reapeated yourself at the end of your post:

"I will repeat this before I go- People can and do completely change. They can stay clean and not relapse if they have the right support system whether it be AA/NA, family support, peer support, etc."

If REALLY helps to hear positive statements!!!


Thank-you again to everyone that took the time to respond to my post. This is a wonderful site...........people here truly care!!!

Feeling Lost

 
Old 07-21-2006, 02:11 PM   #6
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feelinglost HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Tim,

Thanks again for your words of encouragement!! ~ I agree that I may need a more "positive" name here.... lol!! During my 2 1/2 years with my ex. bf, I have been thru a TON!!! ~ so committment is not a problem..........I guess right now it is more of a trust thing!! I have a hard time with not looking into the future and just taking "one day at a time". In regards to the feeling like you have a weight on your shoulders, I think my ex. bf can really relate to that. This is the first time in his recovery that he has started to pray and use his higher power, and I feel that it is making a HUGE difference in his life/recovery as well. I was raised in a very religous family and truly believe in the power of pray and that God does answer prayers........!!!

Thanks again.........Your help....comments...and support is truly appreciated!!!

By the way, I will work on the new name thing!!

 
Old 07-21-2006, 02:42 PM   #7
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ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Hey Girl-
Yes- there is power in prayer, and there is healing in prayer as well. It sounds like you love this guy dearly and feel he is worth the fight, so sweetie, hang in there. Yes, he will have to earn your trust back. If he is serious about his recovery he will understand and accept that. He is lucky to have someone who cares.

You take care! See ya'

Lezlee

 
Old 07-21-2006, 03:03 PM   #8
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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feelinglost HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Lezlee,

Power in prayer...........Amen!! ...........And yes, I do love him with all my heart! He does know that I am VERY scared about trusting in him again and is willing to earn that trust back. If he can prove that to me.......he is definately worth the fight!

Thanks soooo much for your encouragement........this site keeps me positve!!!! I will keep posting.........the support, caring and encouragement is contagious!!!!

 
Old 07-22-2006, 07:25 AM   #9
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Join Date: Apr 2006
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tryinghardmom HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by buckeyetim
Ok….You have gotta change that name to something else other than feeling lost-Happy Dancer or Cat Fighter, gotta be something other than feeling lost.
Tim, ROFLOL about the names.....HappyDancer or CatFighter......I like "CageFighter" from Napoleon Dynamite....Kip: "Napoleon, you know I'm training to be a cage fighter"

Okay....now back to you, FeelingLost, I must say that I applaud you tremendously for being so careful for the sake of your kids. There are many, many people who would simply 'follow their heart' and drag their kids thru whatever......and you obviously will not do that. But yes, yes, yes I do believe that God can absolutely do a 180 in someone's lives.....but we've got to get to the point where we realize we can't do it on our own and dump it all at His feet. It's when we think we can manage it all is when we get in trouble. But it does sound like he's definitely headed in the right direction. Just pray for wisdom.....and good for you for giving it so much thought.
Christy

 
Old 07-22-2006, 12:34 PM   #10
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Finally Done HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by feelinglost
Hello all.............I am not new to this site. I found this site about a year ago, and read and posted everyday several months, but now have been gone for quite some time. Anyway, here is my story. I dated my boyfriend (who is now currently my ex bf) for over 2 1/2 years. We broke up because I couldn 't handle dealing with his addiction and relapses. His drug of choice is coke and has been in rehab. twice in the past year. He is currenly working his program very dilligently. He goes to NA meetings everyday, calls his sponser almost daily, and is working the steps with sincereity for the first time. The problem is this........He wants more than anything for us to be togehter again, and will do anything to prove to me that he can and will stay clean. But I am scared to death to trust this because of his past relapses. I do see a big change in his attitude and dedication to working his program and for the first time he is actually praying and believing in his higher power. In the past, he would go to meetings, but was basically just going to go; he wasn't putting anything into it and therefore he wasn't getting much out of his meetings. Now it is just the opposite.......he participates in the meetings, calls other addicts, and has a sponser (which he had not been willing to do before). However, eventhough I see all of this, I am scared to death to trust that it will last. If it was just me maybe I would feel differently, but I also have two children. They both love my ex bf and want me to be with him, however they don't know everything (which at this point is best). He has never been anything but wonderful to them and around them, and has never used or been around them when he was using. So, I guess what I am asking is am I crazy for even thinking about giving him another chance??? I know if I did, he would have to have at least 6months to a year clean time before I would actually officially go back out with him or make any type of commitment to him. But my bigger fear is if I do what is going to happen down the road???? I know my ex cant guareentee that he wont have another relapse even if he has a year clean time, and that scares the hell right out of me. How likely is it if someone continues to work the program and use the steps and has a year clean time, that they will relapse??? Am I crazy for thinking about giving him another chance???

Any and all comments are welcome!!! Thanks!!
Hi very scared,

I just was wondering how your boyfriend is doing? I am going thru a similiar issue but with my husband. He has been using coke/crack behind my back for years and just found out last year. I have given him several chances and found out he is using again. I also have a 2 year old child. I think I am finally finished and going thru a divorce. I can no longer handle these emotional roller coaster rides. I was just curious on how you made out. Its very very diffucult to trust them.

 
Old 07-22-2006, 01:27 PM   #11
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feelinglost HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Hello Finally done,

Yes....it is almost impossible to trust an addict that is currently using! Has your husband been to rehab. or gone to NA meeting before??? Or has he just tried to stop on his own?? My ex bf went through many attempts to try to stop on his own.......and failed. He would tell me he wasn't using but was......lie after lie after lie!!! After about a year of trying on his own, he went to rehab. the first time he stayed clean for about 75-80 days before relapsing. He went back to rehab. and stayed clean for about the same amount of time. This time when he relapsed.....he admitted it right away and got right back on track. Now he is going to NA meetings everyday, has a sponsor for the first time, and praying and using his higher power. in his previous attempts, he would go to meetings., but it was basically just to go, he was not really working the steps. I am not sure what it is this time, but something seemed to just click. I am still very scared and very leary, that is why I am not wiilling to take him back until he proves to me this time is different. BUt I can tell you one thing..........without a 100% commitment to the NA program, which includes meetings, talkling to fellow addicts, having a sponsor, and working the steps, there is NO WAY he would stay clean. If your husband is not willing to do these things, in my opinion, his chances of recovery are slim to none............That is just my opionion of course, but from what I have seen in my situation and many others, as well as researching addiction, most cocaine addicts need a srong support system, to recover. Even with a stong support system, it is still a long hard road.

This site is a wonderful place to come for support!! The people here are great and really care about heping others. I will pray for you and your husband. I truly know the heart ache this disease brings to the loved ones of an addict!!

God bless!!
Feeling Lost

 
Old 07-22-2006, 01:37 PM   #12
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Posts: 52
feelinglost HB User
Re: Very scared......need advice, please!!!

Christy,

Thank-you for you thoughtful reply!! You are so right that until an addict realizes that they cant manage things on their own, they are doomed!!! My ex bf use to have 30 to 60 days clean time and think he could go to the bar with his buddies and just not drink. Of course when he did, eventually he would go and have a drink and drinking lead right back into using..........he has finally realized that he alone can NOT control this disease, and that he has to be strong enough to stand up to his friends and stand up for himself. He now realizes that the old life is gone and has dealt with that. He is soooo much stonger as a person now that he has learned to give his problems to his higher power and pray every morning and every night for the strengh he needs to stay clean "just for today"..........The power of prayer is a beautiful thing!!!

Thanks again for your caring words!!
Barb

 
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