I read Margine8's thread and like her, I am trying my best to move forward without him. Last summer, I was on this site every single day, for hours on end, and was given so much support and learned so much (from an addict's perspective) and today I have returned in hopes that someone will help me again. Like Margine8, I am having a very hard time accepting the reality that I don't matter to him, nearly as much as the cocaine does. I think the most painful part is how he feels; he's so cruel, so heartless, so mean and shows NO REMORSE or guilt for the damage his addiction has caused me. I've never met a more self-absorbed person in my entire life. It's so scary to look into my husband's eyes and see that how I feel has no bearing on him. He became addicted to cocaine eight months after we got married. For seven months, I stayed with him, trying to combat his addiction with him and support him in any way possible. When we said "for better or for worse", I meant it and felt that standing by him was my responsibility as a wife. I DO NOT regret those seven months, I did my best and in that time, I learned that his addiction was HIS problem, not mine. I also learned the difference between enabling and supporting, at least I thought I had. In November of 2005, we sold our house and we separated. Since then, we've seen each other on a regular basis, but he lives with his parents and I bought my own place. Words cannot describe how empowering it was to move out on my own. I was no longer scared of how he was spending "our" money, or worried if we'd be able to pay the mortgage or buy groceries. Now I can depend on me, and I feel secure and stable again. In March, he went to rehab for three weeks. He came out expecting to reconcile immediately, but I told him that I wanted to wait...he may have gone to rehab, but our relationship still needed to be mended and rehabilitated as well. Since March, we've been up and down, one great week and one horrible week...the cycle continued. He argued that our problems stemmed from us living apart...he wanted to move right into my place...as if rehab solved everything. I was worried on a few occasions that he was using again, but I didn't know if I was being paranoid, nor would he admit to it. Last weekend, he came here acting funny, his nose was stuffed up, he was extremely talkative and energetic. I was suspicious and asked him if he used...he hesitated and I knew my answer. He admitted he's used since rehab and I wanted to die. I was so disappointed in him and the progress he had made. But, when he went into rehab I promised myself that he only gets ONE more chance and if he goes back to using, I have to leave for good. So, I did. I haven't talked to him since then and I'm having a really hard time letting go. I feel like I am addicted to him as much as he is addicted to cocaine. I want to be married to him more than anything, I want him to sober up and chose us over coke, and it kills me to know that he won't. He hasn't tried to contact me and I am trying my best to stay strong and not call him, but it's so hard. It's so hard to let go of someone you love, to let go of someone you wanted to be with forever. Like Margine8, I want to communicate with him, even if we're screaming at each other, I need my fix. If I expect him to be strong enough to overcome his addiction to cocaine, then I, too, have to be strong enough to overcome my addiction to him. Sadly, that's all that we have left; a completely unhealthy relationship built on lies, manipulation and deception. That's what I am clinging to - which isn't much at all. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll be better off in the end, but that doesn't help me today. I don't care if I'm strong and happy in three years from now, I want to feel better TODAY. I feel like I'm missing a limb, and I'm expected to just continue living without it, as if nothing has changed, but it has. I'm single and I don't want to be. I live alone. I lost my dream. I love him more than anything and in return, he loves cocaine more than anything...how could I have married a man capable of doing this to me? We were together for nine years and now I have nothing but a big gaping hole in my stomach, how pathetic. I'm trying to get through every second of every day without calling him, without worrying about where he is and what he's doing...and it's so hard. For sixteen months, his addiction and recovery have been my main concern and it's hard to NOT think and worry about this anymore. I may have ended things, but my heart is having a hard time catching up to my logic.
I am hoping that those of you reading my thread can help with how to move forward. I find that talking to people who have been in his shoes help me to understand his way of thinking - I take his behaviour personally, when I know that it really has NOTHING to do with me. It's just hard because I spend every waking moment of the day loving him and worried about him and there are very few moments in the last sixteen months that he's been even slightly concerned about me. I am so sad and lonely, I don't want to move on, I don't want another man, but my husband doesn't want me, he only wants his coke. I wish this wasn't so painful for me.
The following user gives a hug of support to lostnewwife: ExRaver (12-21-2010)
The Following User Says Thank You to lostnewwife For This Useful Post: ExRaver (12-21-2010)
Don't blame yourself for being in love with your husband first off.Cocaine is a devil drug and has destroyed many a lives.I think you have done a wonderful job and are doing the right thing by trying to move on.Take each day as it comes and don't try and climb a mountain in a day.Your always going to have feelings for your ex but that's ok, that's life and we go on and we grow.Hang in there your doing great......Dave
Hey, I just wanted to tell you to be strong and hang in there I know exactly what your going through my ex bf who is the love of my life is addicted to cocaine. I gave him a second chance and after a year I left he stole from lied to me all the time and today this day I blame myself but from what i'm learning from on here is cocaine is very addictive and psychological drug. I've read that sometimes when the person gets clean they don't even remember the things they did when they were on it. Its scary and it hurts that you have no control over to help this person. I know people will tell you to move on and you said in your letter you don't want anyone else. I would say don't give up and maybe i'll get alot of slack for saying that but I'm not givng up on my ex because I love him so much and i've seen how he is when he isn't on it and i'll be there for him because i'm hoping one day he will get the help he needs. I So I say hang in there.
Thank you for the words of encouragement, I appreciate the support.
Isn't it funny how there's little advice offered to those of us who are dealing with addicts? I wish there was a site that catered to us suckers. Please don't get me wrong, I do NOT mean to offend anyone; I realize that dealing with an addiction is SIGNIFICANTLY different and much more difficult than dealing with an addict, I was just observing the abundance of responses in other threads. I find that addicts offer the best insight into the mind of a man I am desperate to understand, and hoped that they could offer some advice on how to deal with leaving. It's been a week since we last spoke and I fear he'll call soon. When he does call, what will send him a clear message, what will help him see the result of his addictive behaviour? I find that communicating with him is extremely difficult because when he paraphrases things I have just finished expressing, he has a completely warped version in his head...opposite of what I've said. Sadly, he never hears me and this is the time I want my message to be heard LOUD AND CLEAR.
Thank you for reading this and offering any insight or advice to help me get through to him and for any suggestions on how to deal with him in the coming weeks would be extremely helpful and appreciated.
Reading your story was like something I had written myself. I'm 32 and have been married for 10 years we were together for 8 before that. Hes all i know. Just recently am I starting to realize that nothing is probably ever going to change. He admits he has a problem and says that he hates doing it and dosent understand why he does. He has been in rehab once but didn't complete it and has tried meetings but dosent like them. I am just so tired of living a lie. I know he has really good intentions when he says he wont do it anymore and i really believe he dosent want to. I know now that he will never get better without some kind of help I just cant wait it out any longer trying to figure out what kind of help that is. I have 2 young kids and just lost my mom 3 months ago and lifes too short to stick around much longer as much as I'd like too. Like you I feel like I'm addicted. It's just not fair to me to be worrying where he is all the time and whether hes doing the right thing. I'ts too much stress. and even if he does get better how will i ever be able to trust him. I dont know its just to much to deal with.
Monday will be two weeks since I've spoken to my husband. The first ten days were brutal, I felt like I was sitting on my hands, trying desperately to NOT call him. He called that night, ten times, and I didn't answer! He left a few messages, which only reminded me that he is still a coward and beyond immature, which only helped me stay strong and not answer. I should be grateful though, because if his messages were sincere, or at least sounded sincere, I would have caved in. He's called about twice a day all weekend and I've stayed strong...which surprises me, not only him. For the nine years we have been together, we have NEVER gone this long without speaking, nor have I EVER ignored his attempts (as they are so rare).
I am worried about two things; will my behaviour push him to use more?, and, is it possible that by scaring him and not talking to him for a couple of months (NOT weeks); he will be inspired to face his addiction head on? I know that I am supposed to worry about me, before him, but I feel guilty that he needs me and I am ignoring him...I'm not supporting him, I'm only making him feel worse. Logically, he deserves to feel like that, but realistically, an addict doesn't need to feel abandoned on top of everything else. I'm doing this in hopes that he FINALLY sees that it's me OR coke, he can't have both. I think he needs time, he needs to use more and live life without me to come to that conclusion.
I fear that by speaking to him or seeing him, he'll think he's in the clear and it's back to lying and deceiving me as usual. I feel like I am addicted to him; like I'm suffering w/ds, I need a fix, and when my "high" is done, I'll return to the same sad hell I left, only momentarily. I think I want to call more for me, not because I'm worried he'll use more. He'll use regardless of what I say or do, that's all I can count on with him.
So, my questions...should I talk to him - will that help? OR, should I continue to ignore him - will that help him "hit rock bottom"? I want to be a good wife, even though he's not being a good husband. If being a good wife means I need to stay strong and not talk, even though it's killing me, I will do it.
It's one of the hardest things you will ever do, because you feel there is always hope. What will happen to him without me? For 15 years I put up with this man. I first met him in high school, I'm 51 now, he walked into the classroom like he owned it and my heart jumped. To keep it short finally after wife #2 it was my turn. I didn't know much about his life after school, and frankly it didn't matter, we were much older then, and changed people. Well he was on probation when we first started dating (first clue), had to take random UA's. The minute probation ended he disappeared for 2 weeks. I had to hunt him down. It broke my heart to see the condition he was in, but I could help him, I just knew it. In and out of rehab, lost very good jobs, spent every single penny on crack. He would disappear all the time, or bring the stuff to the house and lock himself in the bedroom for days. Once I even took off my wedding ring and put in on his pipe. The thing that upset him about that was that I touched his pipe, didn't say anything about the ring. I didn't feel like I could make it alone though, so I stayed. Finally I had enough!!!!!!!!! We divorced, I had to give him $100,000 + dollars to buy him out of our house. He smoked it up in 8 months. Now he lives in his mother's basement and is on welfare. Get strong and stay strong. My life is beautiful now. I have a wonderful man (has never done drugs). We married 1 month ago and I can't tell you how happy I am. My children are happier, my whole world is happier. Think about my story. There's so much more to the horror story, but you get the jist. Good Luck to you, Sherry
Your story is like many others. Trying to leave an addict. For over a year my brother has been on and off with a crack addict. It destroyed my close Italian family, but we picked my the pieces and moved on. Emotions go crazy still because we never know what will happen next. My brother moved this girl across the state to start a new life last year and she still wouls take off, steal his truck numerous times. The recent situation is she is in detox and a mental prgoram and gets out this coming Wednesday, well my brother is taking her back AGAIN, this time we as a family will have to detatch from my brother because we cant make it out lives anymore. I cant even begin to tell you what we have all been through because of this addict. I have no idea what my brother sees in her, I have no idea WHY he takes her back so many times. He had a GOOD three weeks without her, but as soon as she called with her sob stories and crying he broke down.
Addicts can reach certain kind of people, its not that my brother is stupid, maybe just weak, just like an addict. He consumes his whole life into helping her, that WONT work. Addicts have to get clean on there OWN. It hurts but its true.
I have spent countless nights researching myself, a lot of people use tough love, they say it works. I just dont have the answers.
My advice to you is try and make your life better without the addict in your life. You are not the one with the addictions, he is. Get yourself into counseling and dont be ashamed, seems like addicts touch many people in such a terrible way with there lies and its hard to believe anything they ever say, BUT there are certain people that fall into the trap with them. Stay away, run, dont walk.
there are places for you to go talk to people who are going through simular things and wont get just the addicts point of view and it might be of some support and might help you know your not alone as has been pointed out. do a search for nar anon and that is for people who need support because of what the addicts have done to you. Very insightful I wish you luck. Kim
Hey ladies! Sorry but couldnt help but respond in light of your request. ; )
I am a recovering cocaine addict. Used for 10 years straighy, 15-25. I am sure you will find my threads back there somewhere and they cover alot of history..
Yes you do forget just about everything, I have a huge chunk of 10 years that I remember maybe 60 days of. I try not to dwell on thoughts like that.. Honestly NOTHING made me get clean, or made me want to get clean. I did horrible things to my children and everyone I know.. And still I used again and again...
One day I just woke up and did not want to live that life anymore.. Coke consumed me. I didnt leave my house, I stayed up for 4 days and slept for 2. I mean it was awful ,and I knew it, even in the midst of using but I just felt powerless to stop it.
One night after a particularly bad episode, I fell to my knees and begged God to give me the strength to quit, and I never used again. That was 5 years ago.
Honestly I would say dont give up on him, there is hope for everyone. BUT remember that you are dealing with someone who has no capacity for emotion right now, NOT ONE SPECK. You just lie about it and pretend you care, you only care about the coke. So dont ever let that thought get far from your mind. He probably does love you to pieces, but as an addict hes not able to love anyone.
I meant to add... You mentioned what your response should be or what you could do to help.. First of all there is NOT ONE THING anyone can do to help an addict.. Sometimes an intervention will force a rock bottom and they will go to treatment, but in most cases, the addict has to hit their bottom whatever that may be...
Ok with that in your mind.... I think your best response would be this...
Know that addicts do feel guilt about their use and they always feel like they are being punished for using, or chastised for it, so avoid the "look what youre doing to me route", cuz that will get ya nowhere fast...
Catch him at one of his more sober moments and tell him how much you love him, what he means to you, how you would feel to be without him, and keep it as unaccusatory as possible, then tell him you cant watch what he is doing to HIMSELF, you just cant bear it, so you have to leave, or distance yourself.. Or whatever you decide to do..
This will at least be listended to and heard. WHen the accusing starts, an addict just shuts it out and hears nothing. And once again, do not forget that in all likelihood he wont even remember any of this after recovery. .Which may be good for him, but is ****** for you.
Keep your chin up Lost, there is hope for coke addicts. : )
Coming from someone who did crack for 3 yrs and my boyfriend did too. Do not stay with your husband. Enough is enough, if they have been on crack longer than you can remember then it is time to go. When you are doing crack nothing or anyone matters. The people you onced love you cannot love anymore because crack become your lover, your friend, your wife and your husband. You want to do right, but it is like a denom's voice speaking to you, telling you that you need to go get one hit, heck, we know that one hit will never satisfy us, it will take every penny we have, until it is gone. A person on crack only hears one voice that is the voice of the demon in your head. That demon knows when you get paid, it sits on your shoulder, waiting. You want to take the money home, but it won't happen. You want to pay the bill, but the craving is too, too demanding. It overpowers right thinking. You talk about love, love who, you don't know how anymore. The only thing you love is crack. It make you become a great liar because we know what you want to hear. You want to hear that we will never do again, so thats what we tell you. We go to rehab while thinking about the next rush we will get once we get out. Sorry, we don't even want to have sex, ugh, we would rather get high. We can look at you straight in your eyes and tell you a like. We will rob from you and the children and not feel your pain. A person on crack can get up in the morning with the intentions to do the right thing, but let one thought about crack enter in then it is all over with. You do not have to associate with your old friends, because you know where to get it and how to smoke it alone. You cannot help a person on crack, they have to want to stop doing it. You can be the nicest person to them but it will not stop the madness. That demon is greater than you and your love. There have been a lot of families destroyed because of this drugs, some stay too long and others left while they still had something to take with them. Don't allow this to bring you down emotionally, because you really do not have anythng to with it. It really is not about you, they may love, but they cannot be any good to you. My old boyfriend is still on crack after all those years. This is why I know, he lives with his mother and still does not have a car. He may not do it as often, but he still does it. I would not live with someone on drugs. You have to ask yourself what do you love about him NOW, not back in the day when he was sober, but NOW. Make a list, if the what you dislike outweigh what you love then LET go and LET God. Move on. You have to for the sake of sanity. I have been clean for 15 years.
How do you know a person is doing crack.... They never have any money. No place of their own. No car. Keep losing their job. Lose weight. Their face breakouts. Lose their teeth. Twitch their mouth after getting high. Restless. Disappear. Do not pay bills. Stay up all night. Sleep all day. Hang out with a crowd that you have not meet. Lose their sex drive. Steal from their house. I know this may not be for everyone...
I know you want to hear from others who have been affected by drug abuse rather than those who have affected others from their drug use. Not that my story may mean anything to you I can sympathize with you. My first love was an addict unfortunalty his only love was crack and coke. No matter how many times we got into fights over his using, his lies, him hurting me, his stealing his everything. In the back of my mind I wondered what am I doing wrong that he doesnt love me enought to stop, what can I do better to make him stop, what can I do to show him I love him enough no matter what. He would go out on binges and come home crying I will never do it again I love you and I dont want to loose you. I dont want to do that crap anymore I dont want to spend all my money on it I only want you!!!! Yep until the next line was put infront of him then I was no longer on his mind. Only when he felt remorse for his use did he want to stop. I put up with this for 3yrs and after he broke up with me for someone who did use for some reason I still wanted him back I still wanted to spend the rest of my life with him I still loved him I thought I could help him. Unfortunalty the drugs won no he is still alive but still using. If you noticed in this there are alot of I's finally I decided its not about me and what I can do. Hes not thinking of me or wondering about me or wanting to be with me or wanting to spend his life with me. Only I can care about I and that is what I have to do. I can love me, I can live for me, I can care about me, I love me, I am good enough, I am strong, I will be just fine. I am just fine, I can make it on my own, I am better than a line or an eight ball, I deserve better no I demand better, I hope this helps you some. I know once again all about I!!! KIm
sorry I forgot to add I also understand your hurt your heart break your anger. Only once you can move past all this can you move on. I really hope you search nar anon on the web and can talk to people who understand your pain and your anger it will help alot and YOUR not alone!!! KIm
I found this on another site its called the "addicts plea
You can't make me clean
I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it - I won't be.
You can't love me clean ...because until I learn to love myself. I won't be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self destruction. I can learn from my own experience ... I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes. I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices. Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don't think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see although I look and sound like your loved one. Me, the person .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is a addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of a addict is to feed the addiction. Every effort you put forth in the name of helping me *the person* falls prey to my addict giving more power to the addiction to shackel down *the person in me .. a little more each time.
I feed my addiction enough ... please don't help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can or will I ever be able to get clean.
The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery. BY MYSELF
By allowing me to reach 'rock bottom' you move over and allow me to find the my own way back .. It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself .. it is in the fight that I learn to love myself .. the more I love myself the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing russian roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can't get in if you are blocking the entrance ...
Please for the sake of the person in me .. move out of the way .. and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom .. and pray for me that when I do hit .. that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that .. be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.
The Following User Says Thank You to kim4074 For This Useful Post: Bergie0913 (10-01-2012)