Devangel

I am embarrassed to say I couldn't do it...I just woke up and started crying , looking around my house how much of a disaster it is, how I haven't kept up with anything..how there is sooooooo much to do in so little time...Ok, excuses I guess but this morning I took a some tramadol I had leftover from when I went to the doc for my ankle pain....there are only 3 left but ugughghghgh...now I am mad at myself....honestly I don't even know why i bother, tramadol doesn't do anything for me really so then i took a valium....i feel like i've now hit rock bottom...i am completely ashamed of myself. i want to get rid of the valium and the 3 tramadols i have left but i just don't have the strength to dump them. why?? does anyone know?? what the he** is wrong with me?? am i that terrible of a mother?? I swear to all of you out there i love my daughter with all my heart and id give my life for her but why do i feel like i need these damn pills to get thru the days....
honestly i never ever took them till she went to sleep at night and then i'd clean house, organize stuff, do bills and then sleep. that was all....but it has been getting worse lately to where i started taking 2 in the morning to get thru a bad day....
i don't have a soul to talk to except here now that i've found this message board, i hope this is ok to keep talking here....part of me honestly feels like i have some sort of really bad problem and like i'm going to die or kill my liver if i don't quit right?? vike's are really bad if u take them daily right?? ok, stupid questions...i know the real answer is I should not need any pills at all to get thru the day. I should be able to do it alone. But that's the problem, i just feel like i can't ...but i need to, i have to...oh, man...ok...i'm lost here....i never thought' id say this but i hope i don't get a phone call from the friend of mine who use to give me the vikes...i've wanted him to call really badly but now part of me doesn't want him to call and i want to get this over with and get past it....
i know i use to be ok...i use to enjoy cleaning, doing housework, organizing , paying bills, etc. without any pills at all...i honestly really really did.......but then one day my xhusband got a bottle of vikes he gave me cause i get this really bad pain in my ankles frequently at night so i tried them and ever since then i was done for....any reason i had to whenever i had a minor surgery or any medical problem i requested pain pills or found pain pills my own way.
Shame on me. i'm beginning to think i need to go back on paxil maybe but i don't want to , i don't want to take any pills at all...nothing, nada....
part of me wants to tell my aunt, hey i have a problem..but i've always always always been such an independent person that it is completely embarrassing to be "DEPENDENT" on something or someone.
sorry , i'm babbling....i'll stop now...thank u for you reply it helps to know someone cares and it is giving me a tiny bit more strength to kick the habit...i swear, embarrassing as it is i have to admit i wish I had the strength to walk into like a meeting or something and admit i have a problem and get a sponsor that i can call when i feel like i need pills.....is that weird? I mean i'm not an alcoholic or nothing , believe me i've thought of hitting the bottle , especially when i'm out of vikes but i refuse to do that because i don't like the feeling alcohol gives me and i refuse to get drunk being a single mom...i don't have any babysitters available so i can't even go to a meeting anyway.
well i will check in later, the pills will wear off and i don't want to take anymore...i've got today, tomorrow and sunday to try and be PILL free....then back to work on monday i go for the week.....