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Old 12-15-2006, 01:34 PM   #1
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amithy HB User
My D.O.C

I am new to this site as far as posting. Been reading threads for 2 weeks and I must say, although I dont know you guys, I love everyone of you for being here to support one another.
I have a wonderful husband (9years we have been together) and 3 adorable daughters, ages 2 1/2. 6 & 8. I have been full-blown addicted to vicodin STEADILY since April '06. Before that I was addicted but I guess I could function so I didnt realize it and I definitly didnt know what happened when I take them in excess of 3,000/mg of Vicodin a month. Roughly 12-20 pills a day. I tried several months ago to quit C/T and only made it 4 days before I caved in.
I decided AGAIN that I need to quit. My father told me of a DETOX center close by that is FREE. Said he was in the building adjacent to it and seen with his own eyes how people went in screwed up and came out DRIED out. I believe they do give you something to make it comfortable so you dont have seizures, but NOTHING to substitute the drug. THANK GOODNESS.
Monday I almost drove myself to the METHADONE clinic. I thought that was the answer. Then, I prayed to God and was told by my father about this DETOX. I can also do after care closer to where I live and they have day care for my 2 1/2 year old. I am supposed to get on waiting list 12-29-06 (MY NEW YEARS GIFT TO MYSELF< MY HUSBAND AND MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRLS)
Detox center said that close to the Holiday they could possibly have a bed ready so come prepared.
I tried the "taper down" and to me it was a waste of time. If I hadn't screwed up our bills by spending all my extra $$, I would ask my husband to stay home and do this with me. All I can think of is all that $$ going down the drain on my addiction, and would I rather quit NOW when its MY choice and even severe as it is. OR do I want to quit LATER when its not MY choice and ten times harder? Thats pretty much answered right there. I am tired of living this life. My children do not deserve to suffer from this any longer, and neither does myself or my husband.
What I am wondering is this:
I have researched all over the internet and cannot find ANY instances of someone who was RECOVERD from Vicodin addiction as full blown as mine. I am talking average people, not celebrities or the rich & famous.
I wonder HOW LONG does it take to get REAL energy back?
How long does it take one's brain to start producing NATURAL ENDORPHINES & DOPAMINE, instead of searching throught the body and punishing every limb & organ to find the opiates?

Last edited by amithy; 12-21-2006 at 11:33 AM.

 
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Old 12-15-2006, 02:00 PM   #2
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TJinPA HB User
Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

I am in the same boat as you (10-15 vics a day). The depresion you feel is normal for the opiate addict. There is a medication called suboxone that REALLY helps you transition off the vics. I first tried the suboxone near the of November. I found a Dr. at NAATB.org. His requirments were that I be in mild to moderate wd, that I had 300.00 cash. Not knowing any better I did just as he said and the treatment worked. I was free for several days but his program was 5 days and out. I lasted one day. I went back to the site and found another Dr. who I will see monday. 30.00 visit will treat me for however long it takes. You have the "gift of desperation" working for you. I have read some bad things here about the sub treatment but the WD's that they have referenced are probably because they were not in WD's whenthey took the medication. You must be in wds for the sub to work. and it does. I felt so normal and full of hope for those few days, and i look forward to being free from the vics in just a few days. I don't know if mentioning the naabt.org will get me kicked off this site but if this helps you its worth it. Now they do tell you that people like us (addicts) (that kinda stings at first does't it? must get support or we are just kidding ourselfs. I hope this helps and I know that the God you referenced in your letter is already at work in your live if you prayed sincerely. TJ

 
Old 12-15-2006, 02:03 PM   #3
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

I hope this helps you amithy

 
Old 12-15-2006, 02:07 PM   #4
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amithy HB User
Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJinPA
I hope this helps you amithy
I am scared of SUB or anything else that would prolong my being clean. Not saying it isnt a good thing, but I have a very addictive personality. Heard that twice this week! lol
Also, nothing worth learning ever came easy. All my mistakes were learned the HARD way. I dont want to have to W/D from ANYTHING else once I get the VICODIN over with.
Also, I dont have health insurance, so in essence...I was buying my drugs the good ole way. From an overly compassionate doctor.
Sorry if I offended anyone about the other treatment types. I just know only what I have researched online. I have taken bits and pieces from everything to peace together a strategy and then it donned on me. JUST DO IT!

Last edited by amithy; 12-15-2006 at 02:11 PM.

 
Old 12-15-2006, 03:06 PM   #5
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

amithy

Good for you for coming in here. First big step taken and doesn't that feel great! Now on to your questions. Some back ground info from my sorted past ha. I was taking an avg of 500+ mgs (equivalent to 50 10mg norcos) of hydro per day which equates to 15,000 mgs per month if not more. WOW never looked at it as that much, 15K WOW. So given that big number I tapered for 2 months and then went CT on Jan 1st 2003. For me it took about 3 weeks before my energy levels started feeling anything close to normal. At the 4 week mark energy level was very strong.

Psychological side took much longer. I figured it was at the 10 month mark that I really felt emotionally my old self as I was before the pills. Its the 80/20 rule, takes 20% of the time to get 80% healed and the remaining 20% takes 80% of the time to heal. But here it is almost 4 years later and Iím still drug free and life is so grand. I was fortunate to not get myself into financial trouble, but everything else in my life was in shambles. I did hit my rock bottom but I also recognized it and pulled myself from the flames. Just so you know it took me a few tries to get of the hydro. Like 4 I think if Iím counting. Each time I relapsed the usage got so much worse with of course the last time at the 500mg level.

I like that you have recognized you are at or very near your rock bottom. And I see you figured out what many canít and that is its much easier to get off the drugs on your own terms instead of someone elseís terms such as court appointed typeÖÖ..

If you know you canít do it on your own at home then I think you are on to the right solution, the detox center. Hey sounds like a great step, plus you get assisted help. Iím of the impatient type so once I decided I wanted off the drugs I couldnít get there fast enough. I can tell you that once I was off that runaway train my life became so wonderful. I have a very loving and understanding wife but she was getting to her limits with me, serious limits as she told me. And my daughters (at the time they were 16 and 19) were having trouble dealing with me or watching me spiral down with the pills, and that really bothered me. I lost about 4 years of my life that Iíve had a hard time recalling and to be honest I really donít want to recall them, just place them in the trash and move on. Or as I put it here, those are chapters Iíve read in my book of life and Iíve turned the pages on them and Iím in the process of righting new chapters. New chapters that are drug free and so incredibly wonderful.

You seem positioned to make the necessary commitments to get off the pills. Now its time to roll up the sleeves and move forward to the old amithy. Itís a little bit of hard work and a huge payoff for getting the work completed. Just stay focused on your goal of pill free and very, very soon you will have all your goals and wants fulfilled.

SO exciting to know you are so close to changing it all for the better, so close amithy. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, that is minuscule in the big picture.

OK so we are here, we have tons of knowledge and life experiences to draw upon and provide you. Lean on us and we'll help you meet your goals.

Iím truly excited for you, each time another gets free from the drugs is my most cherished gift to receive.

Stay with us and keep talking to us so we know your progress.

phil

 
Old 12-15-2006, 03:22 PM   #6
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Quote:
Originally Posted by Philster2003
amithy

Good for you for coming in here. First big step taken and doesn't that feel great! Now on to your questions. Some back ground info from my sorted past ha. I was taking an avg of 500+ mgs (equivalent to 50 10mg norcos) of hydro per day which equates to 15,000 mgs per month if not more. WOW never looked at it as that much, 15K WOW. So given that big number I tapered for 2 months and then went CT on Jan 1st 2003. For me it took about 3 weeks before my energy levels started feeling anything close to normal. At the 4 week mark energy level was very strong.

Psychological side took much longer. I figured it was at the 10 month mark that I really felt emotionally my old self as I was before the pills. Its the 80/20 rule, takes 20% of the time to get 80% healed and the remaining 20% takes 80% of the time to heal. But here it is almost 4 years later and Iím still drug free and life is so grand. I was fortunate to not get myself into financial trouble, but everything else in my life was in shambles. I did hit my rock bottom but I also recognized it and pulled myself from the flames. Just so you know it took me a few tries to get of the hydro. Like 4 I think if Iím counting. Each time I relapsed the usage got so much worse with of course the last time at the 500mg level.

I like that you have recognized you are at or very near your rock bottom. And I see you figured out what many canít and that is its much easier to get off the drugs on your own terms instead of someone elseís terms such as court appointed typeÖÖ..

If you know you canít do it on your own at home then I think you are on to the right solution, the detox center. Hey sounds like a great step, plus you get assisted help. Iím of the impatient type so once I decided I wanted off the drugs I couldnít get there fast enough. I can tell you that once I was off that runaway train my life became so wonderful. I have a very loving and understanding wife but she was getting to her limits with me, serious limits as she told me. And my daughters (at the time they were 16 and 19) were having trouble dealing with me or watching me spiral down with the pills, and that really bothered me. I lost about 4 years of my life that Iíve had a hard time recalling and to be honest I really donít want to recall them, just place them in the trash and move on. Or as I put it here, those are chapters Iíve read in my book of life and Iíve turned the pages on them and Iím in the process of righting new chapters. New chapters that are drug free and so incredibly wonderful.

You seem positioned to make the necessary commitments to get off the pills. Now its time to roll up the sleeves and move forward to the old amithy. Itís a little bit of hard work and a huge payoff for getting the work completed. Just stay focused on your goal of pill free and very, very soon you will have all your goals and wants fulfilled.

SO exciting to know you are so close to changing it all for the better, so close amithy. 2 weeks, 3 weeks, that is minuscule in the big picture.

OK so we are here, we have tons of knowledge and life experiences to draw upon and provide you. Lean on us and we'll help you meet your goals.

Iím truly excited for you, each time another gets free from the drugs is my most cherished gift to receive.

Stay with us and keep talking to us so we know your progress.

phil
I want to quit even stronger now. I guess all the other sites I had read about these kinds of threads had sooo much NEGATIVE and here I am finding STRENGTH & COMMITMENT. Something I yearn for again in life! I am on the pills now and If I wasnt at home with the 3 girls I would flush them and do it at home. I am sooo excited about going into the DETOX. I spent my 6th, 7th, 8th and 9th month of my 3rd pregnancy (in 2004) behind bars in the county jail in a drug treatment program to get off speed (meth) which I had already done, but it was a court appointed program. WOW, look at me now. I traded one for another, but I have realized along the way that I have an addicted personality and that vicodin & speed probably arent my only weaknesses.
You are an inspiration to me. I know that this is what I want, and I know what I do not want. I dont want the girls to be 13, 14 and 15 years old and me still be in horrible shape not able to help them through their adolesent years because I am too strung out. I HAVE TO BE THERE FOR THEM. Hell, its only 14 days or so. I may just go ahead and plan on my father being here for me on the 26th and start cold turkey. If I didnt have to do so much for the kids between now & then and Christmas I would do it now. I just wish It would be over. I know this all sounds like excuses, but I cannot let my family suffer through the holidays.
When you went C/T how many had you taken previously (what had you tapered down to?) and what did you take to help with the W/D? From your experience, how long did you have the w/d?
I wish it was the 29th already.
Thanks for all your support.

 
Old 12-15-2006, 03:22 PM   #7
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

OK I've read your other posts and one piece of advice you received was fantastic. (slipperyslope gets that credit!) And the advice was don't be so afraid of withdrawal and I couldn't agree more. That fear kept me from getting off the hydro for so long and once I decided enough was enough its almost like I got extremely angry and basically decided withdrawal would not keep me from getting off the hydro. As it turned out once I was focused on my goal withdrawal was a small part of the process and I was so worried about nothing.

So like I said before, you know what you want, don't let anything keep you from it, its your right, fight for those rights.

Slipperyslope also gave some other great advice and thats to check out the detox center before you go in. Meet with them, view their facility and have them tell you the protocols they use to help a person to detox. If its not the right place, not to worry plenty of other available.

Be good and the future is yours, go get it.

phil

 
Old 12-15-2006, 03:25 PM   #8
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donewithvics HB User
Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Amithy,
You are definitely heading in the right direction...realizing it is truly the first step. Vics ruled my life, though I wasn't taking as many as you...TRUST me, if I had that many, I WOULD have...I only was prescribed 60-90/month, so I had to "ration" mine. Which meant endless trips to the med cab to count and recount them. Totally ruled my every waking thought. It was awful. I knew it was an issue, but didn't really understand ADDICTION. Once I admitted it---because I found myself with no more VIC and my Dr wouldn't prescribe anymore---that's when I knew what it all boiled down to. I was searching my fathers med cabinent for any pain meds he might have...that's when I knew I had to do something different. It was hard as %&*$ to 1) admit and 2) to get thru it, but there was also something cool in admitting it...a HUGE burden was lifted...then, I just had to deal with the W/D and the mental part. I'm almost 3 weeks vic free and it's WONDERFUL. I will tell you that I'm an addict...and for me, if I had vics, I believe I would take them. It's the truth. Therefore, I am comitted to NEVER having them available to me...EVER. I have 3 children also and spending time with them now is a JOY and is FUN...before, all I wanted was my vic. I'm free and never want to go back to that pill-counting, obsessive compulisve place again.

Now, I'm about to face NOT smoking. I have a med, Chantix, that is supposed to help me --- my quit date is Dec 22nd.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

 
Old 12-15-2006, 03:35 PM   #9
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

OK I'm going to get in trouble I have to get home lol

I've CT at 120mg per day and the hard withdrawal was for the first 3 days then medium withdrawal for days 4 and 5 and then it was more of my body recovering from 5 days of withdrawal so at the 2 week mark I was doing fairly well.

I did a lot of research and I worked with my Dr. as I told him I needed Valium (helped stay sleeping thru most of the 1st 3 days) and clonidine (helps with the creepy crawly skin and chills and sweats) and phenergan (stomach help) and Immodium. I took the max dose of Valium per day and really just slept most of the time.

OK have to run

be good and stay in touch, all is about to get good for you

phil

 
Old 12-16-2006, 06:31 AM   #10
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Amithy, you can do it if i can do it! I was taking about 20 10mg Norcos per day and getting shipments every 4 days to feed my addiction, what a waste of energy and money chasing and thinking of those pills. I did this game for 3 years and it wasnt till my sister looked in my eyes and said, i know what you are doing and started to cry.... i felt like a complete "loser" and it made me realize i wanted more out of life so about 16 days ago i quit cold turkey and it was the best thing i ever did in my life. I will admit the first 3 days were terrible but i turned the corner and stabilized on the 4th day and was able to make it through. I feel really good now, i joined a gym and i actually have some money for x-mas shopping if i was still buying the pills i would still be broke, still counting, still watching the clock, still feeling numb etc. If u really want to quit you can, its all up to you and i know you will for your family's sake... please let us know how you are doing and keep us posted

Good luck!

 
Old 12-16-2006, 08:26 AM   #11
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Quote:
Originally Posted by stillfromny
Amithy, you can do it if i can do it! I was taking about 20 10mg Norcos per day and getting shipments every 4 days to feed my addiction, what a waste of energy and money chasing and thinking of those pills. I did this game for 3 years and it wasnt till my sister looked in my eyes and said, i know what you are doing and started to cry.... i felt like a complete "loser" and it made me realize i wanted more out of life so about 16 days ago i quit cold turkey and it was the best thing i ever did in my life. I will admit the first 3 days were terrible but i turned the corner and stabilized on the 4th day and was able to make it through. I feel really good now, i joined a gym and i actually have some money for x-mas shopping if i was still buying the pills i would still be broke, still counting, still watching the clock, still feeling numb etc. If u really want to quit you can, its all up to you and i know you will for your family's sake... please let us know how you are doing and keep us posted

Good luck!
I know this has to get better. I took a look around my house and was disgusted. I have spent so much time chasing the pills and when I finally got them, all I wanted to do was love them. But, it got to the point to where I wasnt even cleaning my house and even when I was at work, I didnt want to work. They just do something to my mind & break my spirit. Oh lord, am I afraid of my kids driving me crazy when I get off these?! Or am I more afraid of the damage being done to my kids by me being doped up. I almost quit C/T this morning. Last I took a pill was 3pm yesterday and didnt take another til 8am this morning. But, I dont want to make it any harder. I need to put on a strong face until I can check into DETOX on 12-29 (or when the bed is ready)
My husband came home from work last night and its been like 3 days since I have spent more than 10 waking minutes with him. I had wrote him a long letter telling him everything I had already said. But, when he came home he sat on the edge of my bed with something behind his back. Said...."Amy, I know you are having a hard time and I want you to have something that if ever you are in a place that you just need something to remind you of ME and MY LOVE FOR YOU then hold this" and handed me a little pink teddy bear. I was so overwhelmed with love. BUT< YOU KNOW WHAT??? The VICODINS make that numb to me. I normally would have balled my eyes out, and again last night I realized something else these pills are robbing me off.....my natural emotions. How could we take something like that for granted? I am so excited about getting to a place where I can w/d and deal with this. I have accepted that its not going to change overnite. I was killing myself with worry AFRAID of what is on the other side. Then yesterday as I drove home from the store I read a sign that said YOU WILL NEVER WIN UNTIL YOU BEGIN. I almost cried, again the vicodins helped keep that from happening. So, here I go....going crazy til the day I get my help. But, I would rather be CRAZY ABOUT GETTIN HELP than going CRAZY ABOUT GETTING PILLS

 
Old 12-16-2006, 11:14 AM   #12
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Amithy, You CAN do this. And, here's another experience I'd like to share re: the kids. I used to rely on the vics to help me "deal with" the kids. Mine are 11, 7 and 18 months and I used the vics to help me "numb" to their incessant bickering, yelling and really, playing! I, too, was concerned about my nerves and my ability to interact with them with no vics....SURPRISE, SURPRISE...I found I LOVED to play with them...what??? We have so much fun now. I read to them again, play board games, etc...actually EAT at the dinner table together. WOW. Now that I'm not consumed with thinking about my little white pills, I find I can concentrate on having FUN. Believe it or not, it's true. I know how scary it is thinking about NOT having the pill, but It's so worth it. I went CT and wd at home. Like most people here, the worst was the first 3 days and then after that, the fog began to lift. Taking walks in the fresh air helped me a lot. Just to clear my mind. There are probably a lot of people that just can't do it on their own, so detox is the way to go in those cases...anything to get rid of the monkey. If you decide to taper or to do this on your own, you can do it...just remember the first 3-4 days are the worst...after that, it's moment to moment, but it can be done...

 
Old 12-16-2006, 11:28 AM   #13
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amithy HB User
Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Quote:
Originally Posted by augirl
Amithy, You CAN do this. And, here's another experience I'd like to share re: the kids. I used to rely on the vics to help me "deal with" the kids. Mine are 11, 7 and 18 months and I used the vics to help me "numb" to their incessant bickering, yelling and really, playing! I, too, was concerned about my nerves and my ability to interact with them with no vics....SURPRISE, SURPRISE...I found I LOVED to play with them...what??? We have so much fun now. I read to them again, play board games, etc...actually EAT at the dinner table together. WOW. Now that I'm not consumed with thinking about my little white pills, I find I can concentrate on having FUN. Believe it or not, it's true. I know how scary it is thinking about NOT having the pill, but It's so worth it. I went CT and wd at home. Like most people here, the worst was the first 3 days and then after that, the fog began to lift. Taking walks in the fresh air helped me a lot. Just to clear my mind. There are probably a lot of people that just can't do it on their own, so detox is the way to go in those cases...anything to get rid of the monkey. If you decide to taper or to do this on your own, you can do it...just remember the first 3-4 days are the worst...after that, it's moment to moment, but it can be done...
I cannot believe that I am finding people here that have actually OVERCOME their addiction (which just happens to be the same as mine) I have actually found that with having 1/2 to 3/4 the amount of vic in my system as usual coined with the REALIZATION that I AM GOING TO CHANGE is actually helping me to get through this. There are times that I find my mind wondering back and forth, trying to find excuses as to WHY I should wait. But, I am doing this to prepare myself mentally:
I am writing to you guys.
I am keeping a mental image of my life NOW vs. how it was BEFORE the vicodin (what I can still remember)
I am writing letters to myself to remind me of WHY I want CHANGE
I am mentally & physically preparing myself for the BIG DAY.
I have started organizing things around the house, cleaning some BIG MESSES that I have put off. That way when I do come home (with the help of my husband & father) the house will be somewhat sane & clean. I HOPE!!!
Besides, what else am I to do with the pills I am taking? Might as well do something productive before I give it up FOREVER.
I have been taking vitamins, drinking more water & juice and most importantly....MENTAL PREPARATION!
Thanks to you all! I know I still have 13 days to go (or more) but If I keep in touch with you guys then when the BIG DAY comes I wont chicken out!
All my love,
Amy

 
Old 12-16-2006, 01:59 PM   #14
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Amy--Yes, you've definitely come to the right place for support in stopping the hellish vic addiction. I guess, really, any addiction is the same, but vics were my drug of choice and the mental part is so difficult to process. Today, I can see it clearly for what it was, but at the time...all I could do was count my pills, watch the clock-waiting for an acceptable time to pass before my next white pill, obssess about how I was going to get my next script refilled (because I could never seem to successfully taper---I'd get a new script and have a whole 30 and the first day, I'd take probably 6 and then limit myself for 2-3 until I could get another refill)...God, I think about how awful it was and just know I NEVER, EVER want to be in that dark place again. My life was fabulous (married, 3 kids, great job, etc) so why I ever even fell "victim" to the d%^& things I don't fully understand. But, no matter, I was (and am and always will be) addicted to vicodin. IF they were here, I'd take them. So, they will NEVER be here. Some people NEED to mentally be "strong" and "overcome" by willpower...I simply accept I cannot...will not ever take another which means I can never, ever allow myself to be confronted with them again. I am an addict and while I am vic free, I MUST be honest with myself and others so that I can be protected from being put into a situation where they are available to me. Does that make sense to anyone???

Now, I'm trying to tackle my 20 yr cig addiction. I have started taking a new drug called Chantix that is supposed to be very good. It somehow blocks the receptors in your brain that give pleasure from smoking. My quit date is Dec 22. I'm tired of being a slave to the smokes and I know the health benefits are going to be wonderful!!

 
Old 12-17-2006, 08:43 AM   #15
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Re: Addicted to VICODIN & HATING LIFE

Wow! You are truly strong to quit Vicodin and now stop smoking. I will pray for you. Something that I am terribly afriad of is that everyone around me gets vicodin and my doctor has not cut me off. As a matter of fact I have a scheduled appointment with him again on Feb 1st. I will have another 120- 10 mg between now and then. But, what I think is that once I get through the horrible w/d that should be incentive enough to not go back.
The last time I quit c/t and went thru 4 days w/d, I went back to the vicodin with the understanding that this time, I just wouldnt run out! That would keep the w/d from happening. Then I realized ALL the money and time that went to the pills and how it has ruined the past year or more of my life. My doctor is 80years old. He is in alot of pain himself so he is compassionate to his patients. He won't be around forever and since I dont have anything on my records for "legitimate pain" except for occasional migranes....I know that if I dont stop now when its out of control then I will be forced to stop when he passes and I cannot find another doctor to continue what he & I started. He gave me Chantix also to quit smoking and all I could do was laugh to myself that he is going to help me quit smoking but let me continue to take these hellish pills!
So, everyday I wake up with dread about what I have done to my life. Seems all my life I have been relying on one drug or another. I was addicted to speed from 1996 to 1998. Quit that and in 2001 was taking 100 (5mg) vicodin a month. When that doctor cut me off I started back on speed. Got put on felony probation and was forced to quit both but I didnt. Then in 2004 I was right back where I started on the vicodin. Going to dentists offering free exams, finally had all 4 abcess wisdoms pulled. I found ways to get the vicodin all the way up to April 06 when I started seeing this doctor. So, finally putting a timeline on my life has scared me half to death. My girls are almost 3, 6 and 8.
My father that is coming over to take care of them when I detox is also a recovering meth addict. He never has had a problem with pills. But, he told me last night that he remembers when I was 8. He said from then til now (i am 27) he has been chasing his drug of choice and that is a great source of his depression & guilt. Not being there for me when i was growing up. So, I dont want to be that person for my girls. Especially when they start to develop. I can only imagine what it would be like when the oldest starts her monthly and Mommy cannot get out of bed that day because she doesnt have any vicodin. Or when Prom gets here and I cannot buy her the dress she wants because that takes away from the amount that I could buy at the time. These are the things that trouble my mind. But, while its troubling, I know its not here yet so I can change it! And each day I let my addiction continue is one more day AWAY from my recovery.
I have accepted that this is going to be HARD. That I may not feel like myself for a LONGGGGG time. Because the person I THOUGHT was "myself" has actually been a self medicating bit**. What a thing to face.

 
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