im used to playing music and getting high and playing games on my pc.then i want to stop.well im stared on 4th day with out anything no methadone no anything. im not gonna replace one with another,i am prescribed xanex for my nerves.i have the army to thank for that .but i would never take it back.my point is that i can never stop taking those even though im stoping the oxycottin.from the war im very edgy the doc says post tramatic war syndrome.but they dont bother me and i dont abuse them.this place with people like amy and reachout to care about a person they have never meet.let's me know thers still people in the world that care and that's who i was fighting for that's why iwent for people like my mom that would give a starnger the shirt off her back.and for me to find so much care in a place like the internet let's me know it's really my time to quit.because i couldn't do it with out you guy's. my mother doesnt know how far gone i was and i can tell her because she is not well.it would only make worry and she doesn't need that.im only 25 year's old i have a girlfriend, we just had a baby boy she know's and id trying to help but is pre ocupied by the baby, 7month's old lol he is a handful.i think that i been tacking these pills to numb a pain they could not.the pain of losing 2 people that were very close to me.my cousin shot in the head right in front of me in iraq.and a childhood freind ran over buy a semi on a 4 wheeler.they just got me high and i didn't think about my problem's as much.and i ened up in this hellish life style. iwas up to 4 oc 80 a day abusing them.i was very bad.but think you guys for care in the most unprobble place. isn't life crazy.love guy's and i hope for the best for everyone.when life comes at your hard always remember that it could always be much worse. P.S. IM SORRY FOR RAMMBLING IM VERY SICK AND CANT SLEEP. SO IM ON HERE LOL.
Hi Perc,
I hope that you are doing better, and you can reach out to others that have tried to post, and help you. I know it feels good to have ppl who you feel a bond with, and you can read their responses, but there are a TON of others who may or NOT choose to post for various reasons.... I hope that you can give those ppl a chance, and know that they read your story, and are here with you., whether they post or not... I hope you find comfort and peace, and feel better tonite. There are a ton of ppl that read your posts, and dont post, because maybe they dont, or dont have the time to post.
Please take care, ,and know there are lots of us who are here with you in your struggle...
xoxoxoxxoo
IZZY'SMOM
yes,you are right and that's why i post stuff thats very sensative to me because i know you all are here thank you all i just couldnt remember all the names.but when i say the internet i mean everyone,some people talk more so you have more of a tie to them.but im thankful for everyone that shares knowledge and letting me know im not alone.thank you all..
Thanks for that Izzy's mom!
We are all a big family, in spirit.
I find this place the same, Percman. My husband is here for me, we have been together for 9 years. But, he doesnt UNDERSTAND the extent of what I go through. I asked him last night if he was proud of me, he said yes, you havent taken anything? I told him NO! Not since 3pm Tuesday! That is amazing to me. I havent done that in I dont know how long. I cant even remember to tell you the truth. I know i have battled this for years and I didnt know what it was. Back when I wasnt using everyday or even for weeks at a time I would still get urges to use. So, I have to tell myself that since this is full-blown, I will continue to have urges, continue to think of using. That wont go away. Although this is my first time to quit & stay clean (past 4 days) I still find it odd that I dont have cravings now, and that I will later??? I mean I THINK of using anything to get energy, but the physical is over with. Just lack of energy.
Percman, I thank you for your services. Yes, there is alot of good in the world. Hard to see that when all you have ever known is pain. I know about loss. Believe me. I lost my grandparents who raised me within 6 months of each other back in 96. I spent 2 years on speed trying NOT to feel it. Then in '02 I lost my uncle (we were a couple years apart in age) and when I had watched him die at home, he has 2 young kids, it broke me. I started using again. So, I know how loss can hurt beyond words. Think that the majority of the people here have gone thru some intensity of loss. I cannot imagine what you have been thru.
My best friend is a minister. He told me this....
"you cannot hold on to all that pain, Amy. You have to just pray and give it to God. That is why Jesus died on the cross. So we didnt have to harbor those feelings too. Just pray that he takes it because you realize it is too much to bare all by yourself."
I am a pisces, so naturally I feel DEEP feelings. Seems I am always in emotional warfare. lol
Just keep up the good work, Percman. We will get thru this. With addicition its hard because no matter how much you love someone, they cannot keep you clean. I would say just look at your son everytime you think of using, but that may not work. You have to LOVE yourself too!
Just read this thread and am so touched by it. It seems that during this time you are discovering wounds in your soul that you have hidden. I think that is a truth for many of us. We went on pain meds for legitimate reasons and, and, without realizing it, found that we didn't have to think about painful things that have happened in our lives. I think the depressed part of our brains are starting to function more up front as we come off the drugs and that is why the thoughts of hurts and trauma are with us.
I think the presence of babies in our life now.. for you, your son, for me, my grandson, prodded us into wanting to FEEL again. The joy of my grandbaby hit a chord within me somehow. I wanted and saw joy in him and I wanted a piece of that so badly. He lives pretty close to us,but after struggling through a day of work and being so tired from taking the pain meds, I lacked the energy to even get in the car and be driven to see him. That weighed on me like a ton of bricks. A hundred tons of bricks. And it made me start to see all the other things I was missing in life. Everything was passing me by and I was paralyzed with the pain of it.
The hurts in your life have surely been paralyzing also. More than I can imagine to tell you the truth. What I CAN really relate to is the overwhelmimg need to get back in the world as a part of it. And you are doing it. Reading and re-reading the threads on this board help me with the conviction to get off the opiates and be a rel piece of the real world, good and bad. Somewhere in the Bible it tells us that when the pains of this world get beyond handling, we should lift our eyes towards heaven. I believe that is true.
We can't pretend that sad things are happening also, but we have to learn to balance those things with the joys of this world also... like babies Smiles. They are new hope for us. We need to be able to show them the joys of this world and find those joys for ourselves, too.
When I first saw the psych about coming off opiates, he started asking about how I felt about the cancer and my parents illnesses and stuff. I got so irritated. I wanted help for coming off opiates and here he ws dragging up all that crap that was painful to me. So I sat there and sobbed. And at the end, he said, " We have to go on in life, Karen." And I thought to myself, "You are a jerk."
Now I am realizing that he knew from experience that many addicts are hiding from pain in their heart and souls as much as in their bodies. I have to admit I was wrong about the guy. He knew more about what was going on than I did. If I don't "go on with life," I am going to forever be stuck in the painful places.
Another truth is that it is much easier to say the words than to live them. So that is what I am doing now... learning to live them.. to live in the here and now.
Okay, I am getting long-winded here. Your post was beautiful because it is a tribute to your determination to get back into life. You have shared deep, personal hurts and put them out in the open. No more stuffing the pain inside and letting it destroy you. No more hiding from it. We are acknowledging it and trying hard to move forward. All of us here.
Re: help from the most unlikely place 
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