I am having one of those sleepness nights and my stomach hurts and I am tired but can't sleep, and I feel icky but can't exactly pinpoint what, is icky- um can you tell I am wallowing in self-pity here?
Ok, sorry bout that... on to more positive things...
I actually had such a good laugh today that I had tears. First time that has happened in quite sometime- tears from laughing that is, because lord knows I have had cried enough tears to successfully turn the driest desert into a thriving garden in the last 3 weeks from the depression that accompanies this most unpleasant experience of getting off the devil pills called oxycodone.
This tapering thing is some hard, hard, hard, (I don't think I have enough time nor energy to sit here and type "hard" enough times to my satisfaction at this moment) stuff. The latest drop, which was 3 days ago was not that significant, at least I didn't think so at first because the good ole doctor would have you/ did have me believing that, but boy did my body (mostly my brain) not like it one bit. No Sir-ree bob!
I am so ready for this to be over with that is for sure. I, like most everyone has already mentioned, am struggling with the mental stuff in a major way!!!!! But...that one glimpse today of what it felt like to truly laugh at something gives me hope. I visit with my doctor next week and will be truthful with how horrible things have been. Actually I can't wait to tell him how horrible they have been because ohhhhhhhhhhh was he wrong BIG time on this one!!!!!!! Ok enough about him as he is not my favorite person these days
Trying to stay positive
So even though he was terribly wrong, I am taking the advice I have read over and over and I am not going to increase that dose because afterall that would be like taking 2 steps back after I have already taken 5 forward and by this time next week I am hoping to be on like step 100 but will be happy with 10 even just don't want to be at step 1,2,3, or 4 ever again.
The point of this post I guess is to just say that laughter is good medicine....and it is something that you almost certainly forget how great it can be when you are in midst of the the opiate fog. As my dose gets lower and lower I do have small glimpses of the ole me...I was, at one time, a fun upbeat person that could make anyone laugh, including myself- I had a sense of humor that appears to have been hijacked and I didn't even realize it until these past few days. Anyone understand what I am saying here? or is my brain playing tricks on me again- heck my brain should open up its own magic show because it is really good at tricks these days
Anyhoo, I am off to stare at the ceiling again and maybe I can trick the ole brain for a change and make it actually sleep a few....NOW wouldn't that be nice???
Goodnight my wonderful board friends and remember...
Never lose hope and stay strong.
I'm trying to put down the bottle--everything else was always easy to put down--not the bottle! But the main reason I want to stop is because I want to sleep! I'm so tired of not sleeping. How long can that go on? I kid myself into thinking that I must drink "a little" so I can get to sleep. Then I wake up an hour later and drink "a little" more, etc., blah, blah, blah. I make myself sick! I've had some sobriety in the past, but this time I hate drinking, but am having physical problems putting it down--that's new for me, and it's a big "wake-up" call for me. So, I am looking for advice about what to do to aid in sleep--please don't recommend Nyquil--it's mostly alcohol-and I'm not going to take any sort of drugs, including antihistamines--that's the worst advice I ever saw! I've tried melatonin and Valerian root, all sorts of herbal tea, etc. I can't seem to get through the withdrawal and I'm in accounting, and a parent (though my son lives mostly with his dad) so I'm not going into rehab--I cannot bear to be imprisoned. I'm willing and believe I can do it with God's help, your help and my AA home group--I just have to get through the physical difficulty--any help is so welcome!
Good morning. I just read your post and am so driven to reply. first, I want to tell you that you are doing so utterly unbelieveable in you tapering and attitude under some adverse conditions to be sure. I was fortunate to taper under as ideal conditions as can be imagined and it was very, very tough. To taper under the circumstances you are faced with and continuing successfully is beyond my scope of imagination. Even with all the help I had human -wise and with doctors, family and friends, I know, without a doubt, that God above was my primary source of staying strong. And I do believe, if I may, that God above is your strength,also.
Now, on a very wordly level, I would like to give you some advice that worked well for me. Yes, by all means, tell your doctor exactly how horrible you are feeling and that you feel his taper plan is too fast. After the first disasterous week of following my family doctor's taper schedule, I met with a psychiatrist. He also felt the plan was way too fast. While I did not care for other aspects of this psychiatrists thoughts (like chnging and switching all my meds around), I shared all his thoughts with my family doctor. Told the family doctor which ones I thought were bad for me and which I thought were good... the only good one being slowing down the taper. And you know what? Because I was totally honest sharing my feelings and the psychiatrist's thoughts, and had up to that point followed my family doctor's plan, he agreed to slow down the taper! We ageed to no more cuts once a week precisely, but rather to cuts made when I felt competent to make them, and up to two weeeks between cuts (sooner only if I felt ready, which often, I did). At one point, HE actually suggested I wait three weeks for one time only to stabalize. I agreed, but in actuality, only needed 2 and 1/2 weeks that one time. It was at the halfway point of the entire taper. I believe that the total honesty, full disclosure thing allowed my normally very strict family doctor (especially on the use of any narcotic medications) to be flexible in the taper plan to some degree.
The ability to get laughter out again. Oh, Snoopee, that is such wonderful news! That is undoubtedly a sign of the depression in the beginning stages of lifting. Yes, it is! And I want you to understand a very important difference between tapering slowly and going cold turkey that I have come to recognize. With cold turkey, it seems that the depressive stage is horrendous after stopping the drug, whatever it is. With tapering, the depressive stage is taking place simutaneously with the taper, and as the taper progresses, it begins lifting simutaneously with the taper. This is what I have experienced. As we put less and less of the drug into us, we allow more and more to allow our brain to begin to slowly repair and begin to produce its own, natural, feel good chemicals. While I started the taper in severe depression, it was nearly gone (about 90%) by the time I finished. It all makes such logical sense to me.
Do we have to be strong to taper? Of course, but I think we are merely using our wonderful God-given gifts of being strong-willed and disciplined. We all have different God-given strengths and these seem to be two that He has given you and me. Others have been given strong wills and determination to be able to be successful in their chosen paths off drugs. So who cares the pathway as long as the destination is reached?
One last little personal story here and then I will stop as this current xanax taper is making my 'gift of passion' fly wild. Chuckles.....
In my long ago (12 years) episode of much deeper depression than the one before the oxy taper), I can remember exactly the occassion when I laughed so hard and long that I knew at that moment I would survive. I was so very complient with whatever I was told to do at that point, no fight at all within me. My three then-late teen kids sat me in my son's beat out old station station wagon named the 'Hoop-de-Mobile.' They piled in 6 other young people and drove to the beach volleyball courts nearby. They sat me in a dilapidated beach chair on the sidewalk to have me watch them play volleyball on the sand. I sat and just stared. Halfway though the game, one of the youngmen, who is like a 'spirit son' to me, got clocked in the head with the volleyball hard and actually got diizy... not hurt badly, but knocked a little coo-coo for a minute. Don't ask me why, but it struck me so funny that I started to laugh and could not stop. It was laughing so hard that it was kind of maniacal. It was laughing so hard that the kids got caught up in it and for a solid twenty minutes, none of us could stop laughing. I was laughing at the poor kid and all the kids were laughing at my crazy laughing. There was such a rush for all that time of seratonin, endorphines, whatever, that my head was screaming in pleasure. HAHAHA! So, that's my laughter story.
Snoopee, God has certainly blessed you with wonderful gifts and you are using them wisely. I am so sorry for the mental anguish and torment that you are prsently enduring, but, girl, it is so going to improve beyond what you can possibly imagine. Fight temptation, stay strong in your convictions and healthy practices and there is no reason whatsoever for there to be a doubt that you will, indeed, find victory over this all.
Always love to see your posts reach- they are so encouraging and uplifting to me. Everything you said touched me.
I am feeling a bit better- seems like the last couple days I have steadily felt better and better and have found myself laughing more and more. It was a busy weekend and I had more energy then I have had in quite sometime so that is definitely good news.
I will be going to my doctor appointment in less than 2 hours and I know it is time for another cut. Hopefully my brain won't mind too much and if it does well I at least know I can get through it and it will get better. I actually woke up today and felt pretty good and thought for a moment about just not taking my dose but my mind quickly convinced me otherwise and I don't want to not follow doctors orders so I will wait and discuss with him this morning.
I am short of time this morning....need to get ready for my appointment but I will check back later tonight or tomorrow. Thanks again reach for always knowing what to say and making me feel better at the same time.
Never lose hope and stay positive.
Hi Snoopee, I'm sitting here catching up on posts from the last couple of days and I have to take a minute to stop in and tell you how much your posts moved me. Between you and reach, I got goosebumps TWICE and I cried! Your both so amazing to me...
Also, I must comment that the title of your post is what sparked my attention. I too, have been learning a lot about laughter lately. I was watching a talk show the other day about happiness, basicly trying to teach us how to make ourselves happier. Being the recovering addict that I am, I immediately began to research... laughter is absolutely fabulous for recovery! (for me, anyway) If I begin to get depressed, I make myself laugh- seriously. I'll go on utube or something and watch a hilarious video. Those uncontrollable tummy laughs, the ones that hurt, but in a good way, ya know?... that's the best feeling in the world! Works for cravings too.
So!, keep up the good work, the road is long and tiring but today... your story made me smile. It helped inspire me to stay clean another day.
I hope your dr. appt. goes well, look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hey Snoop, hang in there....like the saying"this too shall pass" i think my grandmother told me long ago, ive told it to myself throughout my life, not only with w/d's but also with life in general and gramma was right! so far, no matter how bad it seemed at the time, whatever was torturing me presently went away...its like some miracle of time, " time heals all wounds". we know with medical certainty that the w/d's will pass and so does the heart and mind im told, although im not sure ive ever really gotten to that point myself.
Boy, have I had to draw on some of these resources for my own mind lately.
I always thought the NA serenity prayer did me alot of good and i find myself saying it when im in a bad place mentally, and the knowlege that if im patient things will change. Your positive attitude is a great asset to you, i wish I had the same. Keep up the good work and have a great day, John