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Old 05-23-2007, 08:35 AM   #1
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Maggie checking on Layla!

Are u o.k. Southbeach?
I haven't had much time to post in past few days....i've been feeling lousey. But i just looked over the most recent threads and didn't see you here in a few days. What is new?
If u r lurking then just know that i miss u and want to hear how u r doing regardless if it is bad or good. No need to worry about what any of us will think. No judging here. I hope u know that already.
Just so you know, i am having a hell of a time trying to ween off sub. It seems like i'll have a good day and go down a few mgs. , then the next day brings something overwhelming and i'm back at the original mgs. again.
I/you need to remember that this is ***** trying to ruin the blessings that are in store for us. We have to be strong and fight back, not let negative thoughts keep us away from our goal. Being an addict is not easy, especially at the beginning of the struggle. It is very, very common to relapse & no one needs to feel shameful if they do.
When i was in rehab 2yrs. ago i got out and was happier than i'd ever been. If you would have told me that i was going to relapse i probably would have bet you all the money i had. I did relapse only 6mos. later. But, fortunately, i NEEDED that relapse to truely see that i was an addict. I had a little voice inside my head the first time telling me that i wasn't really an addict, that i had just been given the wrong drugs by a wacko dr.
It took that relapse (when i was in my Moms closet digging around for pills as fast as possible bcuz i knew she was coming home) for me to actually SEE how sick i was.
I had done that before many times, but this time it was like i saw myself doing it for the first time ever.
NOW, i' may be jumping to conclusions and u may be rolling your eyes at me thinking "girl, what are u talking about. I just have the flu" or something, but incase that is the reason i wanted u to know i'm right where you are at & want to hear from u.
P.S. Maggies front paw is hurt and shes limping a little bit.....of course i have begun to think she's faking bcuz she's getting the princess treatment times 50 bcuz of it! It's like she'll be walking along normal, i turn around to look at her and she starts limping.

 
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Old 05-23-2007, 12:11 PM   #2
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Sunshinegirl HB User
Re: Maggie checking on Layla!

Hey Maggie - I've been lurking a little and you're right, I have relapsed a little. I have taken 1-1.5 per day just to have a little energy and keep the depression at bay a little. Also, my back has been killing me and the headaches are horrible. I know I need to be strong and just do this.....day 33 and I'm so close!!!! I do not want to take a prescription anti-depressant. I've been taking St. John's Wort 3x per day, I don't know if it's really helping, but I figure it can't hurt. I am also faced with preparing to move and I am a major pack-rat so you can imagine what my garage looks like! I don't see how I can get through it with my energy being so low, the back pain and the depression. So I rationalize taking just a little bit to get through this physically and emotionally challenging time. I do not EVER want to get back to where I was and have to go through that horrible detox again. At times I feel like such a failure and then I swing into the, "It's okay, this is temporary and it sure as hel* beats taking over 20 per day." I don't want this to be an ongoing thing and it won't.

Anyway.......I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling well. I can definitely relate!! How's the new suv??? I used to have an Explorer and I loved it! Now I have a silver GMC Envoy - I just wish it got better gas mileage!!! UGH! Gas prices are ridiculous!!!

Do you have any plans for Memorial Day weekend? I think I'm just gonna go to the beach on Friday when it won't be as busy and work on the house the rest of the weekend. A girlfriend and I are getting together Tuesday night for dinner and a movie. It will be my first time "out" since I started this process. (Other than going to the grocery store and small errands.) I'm looking forward to it!

Poor Maggie........does she have something stuck in her paw maybe?? She may be trying to tell you something? Don'tcha just wish they could talk to us????? I would love to get another puppy, but my daughter would kill me. In fact, she said she'd move out!!!! She loves our pups, but three would be too much!!!!

I'm watching Rachel Ray and there is this pug with a tongue that's about 10 inches long and hangs out of it's mouth.........he's adorable!!!! He has his own site and fans all over the world. Just something fun to do. I hope I dont get in trouble for giving the website.

Well, I have to go tackle some more stuff around here. I hope you feel better. I'll be back. Just struggling a little right now. Talk to ya soon!!

Last edited by moderator2; 05-23-2007 at 01:30 PM. Reason: posted commercial website

 
Old 05-24-2007, 12:28 PM   #3
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Re: Maggie checking on Layla!

Hi sweet lady.
Sounds like u have a lot on your plate right now. Moving truely sucks!! And i've only lived in apartments my whole life so i can imagine what it will be like one day when i move from a house.
I have no plans yet for Memorial Day. I'm sure my DH will have us doing something since he can't sit still for long. He is excited bcuz he gets Monday off so that is 2 1/2 days off for him in a row (he has to work sat. also from like 10-3pm) so this is a treat for him to have sun/mon off. I'm sure he'll be golfing one day....which is fine w/me bcuz then i can sleep.
I've got "auntie flow" visiting and i'm miserable
It has gotten so much worse since the miscarriages. Now, I KNOW when i'm about to get it bcuz i turn into a mad woman & i get irritated over the silliest things. But, i just tell my hubby "look, i'm PMSing right now so you betta' watch it"
I read in one of your posts that you havn't been to a mtg. I understand that it is scary and intimidating at first. But i am so serious when i say that the mtgs. helped me find the peace that i've always searched for. I never felt better when i was going regularly. Now, it's been forever since i've been and every area of my life has suffered bcuz of that. The mtgs. are not only good for keeping you sober, but they show u how to face life with tools that will make life so much more enjoyable.
I would tell my DH that i thought that every person (regardless of if they are an addict/alcoholic or not) should be a part of these mtgs. even once and a while. Bcuz once you really learn what they are about and what they teach, you'll begin to see that YOUR seeing things differently than u ever had.
You deal with sadness, crisises, pain, happiness, totally different than u used to and you are able to appreciate things at a totally different level.
My hubby is recovering addict and hasn't been going too often bcuz of work. But when he does go, he comes back totally rejuvinated and full of smiles for days after. Then it's time for him to be "fueled up" again.
I don't mean to push it down your throat , just want u to know how it has helped me......and how when i don't go, i am aware of a visible difference in how i feel.
So your depression might just need a little local support that the group has to offer. And if you don't like it, try another. It took me a few different places to find one i was most comfortable at. They are all so welcoming there that you will never feel unwanted.
I'll catch up w/ya later. i have a terrible headache again so i'm going to lay down w/Maggie Mae.

 
Old 05-25-2007, 12:53 PM   #4
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Sunshinegirl HB User
Re: Maggie checking on Layla!

Hey Mags - Sorry, I haven't abandoned you. I've been doing more reading here than posting lately. The last couple of days haven't been too great. Yesterday I didn't take any vics and I was feelin' pretty low, physically and mentally. I just couldn't get it together......I did force myself to get out of the house for a couple of errands, I think I mentioned that in another post somewhere - maybe here! Um, okay, can we say SCATTERED!?!?!
Once I got home, I was drained.........bad.......

Today I went to the Dr. and got Prozac, which I'm happy and optimistic about, but I woke up with the worst back pain this morning and I finally took a vic about 2 hours ago. It feels like someone stabbed me in the back. I think I slept funky last night. The vic has had no noticeable effect on my pain or my mood. I just feel like crap! I've been on the heating pad and now ice......I just want to cry because I feel so helpless and I have SO much to do around here!!!! I hope the pain is gone tomorrow morning and I won't have to take anything for it.

How are you doing today sweetie?? Maggie got Arby's roast beef??? Yum! I spoil my girls like that too, although, a lot of people would argue I'm killing my dogs by feeding them human food - I also cook for them, boiled chicken and vegs, steak, ground turkey........I made them litle hamburgers the other night!!!!!! No seasoning or anything - and they loved it. Plus, as long as I give them their vitamins every day, I don't feel so bad. And they do eat some dry Eukaneuba food, which they seem to like. They need the dry food to help keep their teeth clean, so....it all works out! Insert puppy icon here!!!

I'm still struggling with the whole meeting thing. My biggest fear is that I'll go and just sit there and cry!!!!! My emotions have been so close to the surface lately (some days/moments) better than others.......I just don't want to look like a fool in front of strangers. At the same time, I think it would be nice to be with others who have been through it - like coming to this board with all of you! I did find out yesterday that one of my friends has been through this!!!! I don't know the details yet, but we are getting together Tuesday night (my first official "outing" since starting detox.)
It's really good to talk to her and know that she understands and supports me!

Oh, girl, I have to go lay down........my back is killing me. Write back and let me know how you and Maggie Mae are doing and if you've made any plans for the weekend!!!!! Chat soon!

 
Old 05-27-2007, 09:17 PM   #5
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Re: Maggie checking on Layla!

Hey S.B.!!!
You know, i can't do this crazy board. I just scrolled back a page (of threads) just for the heck of it, and saw that u had responded to my thread here and i didn't even know it! I wonder how everyone else keeps everything in order. I forget if i wrote something to u or to someone else and then i don't want to repeat myself!!! And then there are so many threads that i can't remember which ones i've posted in and forget to go back to them. But no one usually even responds to me anyways. I guess there are cliques' in here also and i am way to sensitive right now to keep feeling rejected by writing to everyone and hearing nothing back but from u or occasionally one other person.
Atleast i know that u are responding and i apologize for not seeing this until now.
Today was pretty good! My DH and i went for a drive to a golf store (he's obsessed!) and to the mall. Didn't buy too much, just some hand soaps from B&BB that were on sale & some 'DETOX SYSTEM" stuff thats supposed to clean u out from toxins and chemicals. I'm looking forward to starting it since i deal with constipation so badly from the subaxone.
I have had such terrible headaches/migraines the past 5 days and it has been making me depressed. Being in constant pain can be draining physically & emotionally. I know u can relate with your back pain. Maybe we should take off to a Zen retreat camp where we can detox and rejuvinate our bodies!!! And maybe lose a little weight (for me) while we're there
Maggie went to her Grandmas today to stay the night bcuz i knew we would be gone for most of the day and i hate to leave her alone She is just so used to being w/other dogs since she practically lived w/my mom (and her brother Riley) for a few yrs. So leaving her alone in my condo just breaks my heart.
And we are in NO position to get another dog right now so that has to wait. Thankfully i work from home so i keep her company during the day. I /We must sound nutso to people who aren't obsessed w/their dogs!heeheehee
I know u are scared to go to a mtg....but i can promise you that if u do end up crying, no one will stare and make u feel uncomfortable. I know how u feel though bcuz i don't like going to church bcuz everytime i go i cry hysterically during the music time. We have a laid back church that sings very casual music - music that pertains to real life and real emotions so it really hits my heart and i immediately ball like crazy. I always worry that people are looking at me going "man, she must either be feeling guilty about something, or she's having a breakdown"..heeheehee - I'm sure that no one thinks anything, it's just my insecurities.
Anyways, just try a mtg. even if u only stay for 1/2, atleast u will get a taste of it and be a little more comfortable when u go back a 2nd time. Mtgs. are vital at this stage in recovery - if u read "Coders" posts, u will see how much it has already helped him.
I don't want to nag u, i just know how VERY MUCH it helped me out and how it kept me excited about my recovery. Don't get me wrong, i still struggled, but it felt wonderful to have a local support system that was willing to help me get better. Don't forget, i met my hubby there, so u never know!!! Just kiddin, don't want anyone blasting me for that comment!!!
Ok sweetpea, i'm going to read for a few and go nite-nite.
Hope u are doing well and i hope to hear from u tomorrow.

 
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