I feel like writing in all caps bcuz i am so angry today. I feel like crying and punching a hole in the wall! I have started tapering (about 6days ago) very slowly and i feel like giving up! I am SO SICK OF BEING TIRED EVERY SECOND OF EVERY DAY, no matter how much sleep i get!!!!!!
That is why i am addicted to opiates. When i first tried them i was beyond thrilled bcuz taking them meant i could "keep up" with my friends/family and live life like everyone else was. I have never had energy or "spunk" like i see everyone else around me has. And today i am angry about that!
I have seen many drs. throughout the many yrs. and they all have no help for me but to say its probably from the depression and there is nothing they can do! I've tried exercising and all that does is give me energy late at night so i can't sleep and then in morning i feel like i've slept maybe 10min. all night. Even after i've kept it up for weeks and months this happens.
It is 9:40am where i am , and i already want a pill....i normally don't want one until afternoon & can bear it until then. But not today! I am just ****** off today that i have been passed down this never ending battle with addiction. I feel like i've dealt with enough already with everyday pain since i was 18 & constant up/downs w/my depression. Why can't i just have ONE freakin' normal day...a day when i actually wake in the morning and feel rested. I have NO IDEA what that feels like....seriously i don't!
And today i am sick of this, sick of being so tired that i rely on some synthetic crap to help me make it thru the day. Sick of taking meds (even OTC meds.) to give me a small break in my constant pain, sick of feeling depressed so often and feeling guilty bcuz i am not as good as i should be. the guilt from feeling "less than" everyoen else around me bcuz i can't live life w/o something helping me out.
I need to get this out, and i hope that everyone will respect it and not put more guilt on me for feeling this way bcuz i don't think i could handle any more guilt on me righ tnow.
Mag --I can totally relate. I get VERY frustrated also. I dont know how many times in the last month (3 week taper, now 10 days clean) I have said " i feel like crap, or When Am i gonna not be sore! or I cant sleep!) We just have to realize that we have done damage to our body and its trying to heal itself. You said some pretty powerful important stuff like" synthetic crap". You realize that it is fake and that you will only end up right back here again or worse! That is the truth. The good thing is that you have a BUNCH of people supporting you on here that have been and are in the same situation as you. I AM SOOOOOOOO F******* SORE right now that I can barely move from exercise yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling like I had drank a 5th of vodka and had 13 pills, but I had NOTHING! now how frustrating is that. The Advil took my headache away and I will get right back on the horse later today and exercise, not because I WANT TOO, but because my body needs that to heal. BE STRONG BUD, and ***** and moan ANYTIME on here! IT feels good to do that!
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
Last edited by FullCircle08; 05-29-2007 at 06:54 AM.
Good for you that you are angry. It is a powerful emotion and leads to action. Just keep the actions ones that work for your good. Hate the drugs.. good. Vent... good. get so mad at everything... so mad that it makes you fight with everything in you to get clean because that is where many of your problems lay.. not all, but many.
Maggie, a taper is so very, very hard. It has taken me a few months to honestly understand this even though many, many people wrote exactly that to me many, many times. For me, I still wouldn't change the course of action I chose. I am a shaker and a mover that has been forced to plod as I work through this taper. It brings out the 'grrrrrr' in me lots of times. This isn't a call for everyone to taper... (quite the opposite, actually.) It is simply understanding exactly what you are going through and ltting you know that you are going to be okay and are in a much better spot than you might realize.
You right where you should be! It is normal for us opits addicts to be angry when we try to get this crap out of us! We are so use to the the drug that our real feelings get lost! I am struggling big time, but this is also what it is suppose to be! Love Randy, hang tough, we are all tough people or we would be dead!!!!
It is very much okay for you to be angry, it is a Valid feeling. Anyone who gives you a guilt trip for getting angry is in my opinion wrong for doing so.
For me, when I get fed up and I am just angry, it is what I do with the anger that matters. I try no t to stay there for to long but sometimes it is hard. I can so relate. You are not even sure why you feel the way you do and you have had the problems since you were a young adult. That right there is so scary! FEAR of the unknown. I can't tell you how many times I have been there as well.
I know you can do this this thing and you are not alone because we are all here rootin for you. I will say a prayer for you today. Chrissy
WEll, I'm goin join the bruisin for a fumin train today. I am so out of my head right now, I just took the last of the last of the last of the last of my broken and busted up valium that I have been squirreling away for a couple of weeks, along with 2 Advil's, I want to phone my doctor and get a refill NOW but I know I'll have to do a hoopla hoop dance to get anything and I don't want to go through the degrading drag of soul-death and the loss of integrity and self-respect..So I sit and stack the fume clouds.
I wish they would put alcohol back in prohibition, why do they make that sewer cocktail drug legal, responsible people should have certain cards to get it, addicts loose the right to get a card.That's it. It would reduce cravings for a lot of people if they have no access to it. No more discussion.
I don't want to start anything up again, but jeez it sure would feel good, at this particular moment in time, I know using will just get in the way and fog and bar everything up that I am working towards. I will be 5 to 10 years behind in a matter of a minute if I pick up, so I am venting, venting, venting for the first time.. My good cyber buddies.