Well, it's the middle of the morning on a Friday night. For the last freaking week I've been on and off this board and idlely thinking about the fact that I really need to address something for myself here, but I really needed to tell my story first.......
In thinking I MUST tell a story ,that is probably one everyone has heard at one point or another, I have neglected dealing with what is at hand. And I finally, tonight, am saying to myself, "why the heck do you think you need to tell your entire story before you just post what's going on right now?" "Are you trying to excuse the problem?" "Are you using the story to avoid addressing what's at hand?" I dunno.........Probably so.........BUT
So just to refresh our memories here, I have been an addict since .....well, since.......hummmm....born that way. Ingested my first drug when I was 15...or maybe earlier really,,,probably 12 or 13. That drug was alcohol. Tried it off and on up to 16, when I discovered pills. Then quickly discovered crystal (methamphetamine), acid, pot, ummmmm I think that's all, I'm sure I'm forgetting something here. Anyway quit all that junk by 22 and "JUST" drank. Fast forward about 10 years and I'm drinking "socially" rather often. Jump to about 34 and I'm drinking EVERY SINGLE DAY, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, ALL DAY for about 3-4yrs.
A year a half ago I was injured (just about killed) when I was struck, run plum over, by a car. Broke my leg at the knee, ankle, pelvis and fractured a vertebrae. Quit drinking the moment I was hit and traded it in for pills. Of course not a new thing to me. So here I sit today downing pills like they're potato chips, tellin' it all to you and of course running out, in panic, and knowing all along I can't keep this up...or can I.....no....maybe......no way.....sure why not........no, no.......aaaarrrrrggggg! "What a tangled web we weave, Shay." ~Hittin' home with anyone?~
~If not, keep reading!~
An exact week ago, I "scored" 180-10mg hydros from my oh so faithful doc. (I'll have you know I've actually been afraid to even say all this for fear I'll "jinx" something and not get my script next month) This was after I had run out 2 weeks early last month. When I did run out last month, I went to my doctor and told her "I just don't think the pills are effective (on the pain) anymore, and maybe we should consider the methadone you've been talking about" She immediately said yes. She had been suggesting it for awhile. I thought, "Well maybe this is a good thing that I ran out so early and got on the meth. That way I can get off the pills and not have withdrawals but still have pain relief and a little bit of a high." Well, no not the case. The methadone didn't do alot for the pain, but moreso it DID NOT GIVE ME THE HIGH I CRAVED. So I stuck with it for 11 days. I spoke with my doc on several occasions during this period and she agreed to put me back on the hydros.
So, this is why I'm talking about my own problem (I hate that word!) for a change. Been too afraid to actually count but I've gotten pretty good at eyeballing a bottle of pills and, I think I've got maybe 30 or 40 pills left and 22 days to go before my next refill. (I will have everybody know that I actually had to get up to look at the date on my bottle, actually TOOK 3 more pills, and no, no, no, I only have about 20-25pills left.....THIS IS REDICULOUS!) (wait, and actually took some of the d*mn things even knowing I had less..man...)
Anyway I'm fighting back tears right now. I've been through too much at this point to have shame about this....I'm too educated on addiction and I know it's nothing to be ashamed of. It's a stigma a non-understanding, oh and lack of education of others. Blah Blah Blah......
So what do I want here.....I have no earthly idea. I'm just the same as everyone else here and I just want someone to say SOMETHING to me like a bolt of lightening that is going to make everything better. Something that will all the sudden give me miraculous will power, stregth and ENDURANCE. Say something that will make me take my own d*mned advice!!!!
So many people have asked what my "deal" is and to tell my story. I am so flattered that people are actually interested in my lil' ol' story, although I'm sure it's not near as interesting as they think it would be. I take that back...I could seriously write a novel.
So here's the deal, and mind you, I am not at all making excuses, avoiding anything, blaming or all those things we so often do. I got over that on about the tenth rehab. I HAVE to go to a detox and a month long (at least) in patient rehab to get "PAST" this. (I started to say "OVER", but we never get over it, just past it) I cannot go.......because I will lose my child if I do. ARE ALL OF YOU USING MOTHERS LISTENING? Yes it can happen...before you know it. It is a very long story as to why, that I might tell some other time, but you all must trust me that that is the case. Sooooooo.....what to do?
I have been an addict for a very long time and I'm to the point that there is no other way of doing this without rehab. I will just continue to use. This girl has got to be rehabilitated! Cannot drive (another involved story) so AA,NA out of the question.Wish it weren't.
Here's all I can come up with. If anyone has a better idea PLEASE shed some light. If not,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I just NEED YOU GUYS...BAD! Your support. I can take maybe 3-4 pills a day without going into severe withdrawals. I'll be in a rotten mood, tired and grumpy but alive. Tell the doc somewhere in there I rather be on the patch????? I DON'T KNOW! This is why I need ya'll.
I'm thinking I should just shut up now while I have an ounce of dignity left. I do don't I????? uuuuuggggggghhhhhhh!
Okay everyone, so there's the deal. I wanted to get on here days ago and say,"People I'm doing it again..." and I just didn't cuz I thought I had to write a big "tell all" story. How rediculous.I know better than that! Part of the reason I've taken so much is because I was on the stupid methadone and forgot for a few days that I can't get high on the hydros because the meth takes days and days to get out of the system. I wanted to tell all of you, "Ya'll I need to stick to the dosage. I'm gonna run out. Help me to do this." But, no.
So I'm really in a pickle. Yes I don't want to WANT to take the pills. No I do not want to WANT to get high. Yes I just want to learn to love myself and my life without the pills. The funny part is, I think I finally can.And after many many rehabs, detoxes, and chances, my back's against the wall. All the opportunities I passed up and now I'm stuck.
If only all the great advice everyone says I give could be applied to myself. And by the way, it makes me feel really good that you guys tell me that.
Time to shut up and listen....
I have zero support (another story). I need you guys badly now. I will not be the same for awhile. So lemme have it!
Sorry this was so long. Imagine if I had actually told the WHOLE story!
Thanks for "listening".
If nothing more, maybe someone else can learn something from my mess!
PS. See...I really DO understand
Last edited by shay4bliss; 06-09-2007 at 02:41 AM.
Shay --I got up early this morning to exercise and I AM GLAD I did. I am here for you and so are a lot of people on here. The problem is that we are your "computer" connection. It is not "real" time. You need personal support to make this work. You can get that from going to outpatient or inpatient clinic. I know that sounds crazy, but you are in the same HOLE I was almost 1 month ago. I said "SCREW IT" and just stopped. I did a great taper, and that was it. I had a bunch of crappy days, in which all of you helped, BUT my life is much much brighter on the other side. YOU REALLY have to hate the meds to make this work. A taper WILL NOT work if you are in charge of the meds and you have access to more. You have to be upfront with your DR. and tell him that you want to quit for good. That is the only way. MY DR is the one drug testing me now!!!!!!! How weird is that, he was my dealer now he is my COP!!! Write more later. Be strong today and make a plan.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
First I just want to tell you that I am here for you! I think that Meddguy is right!! You need real live support! In my area, if you call the AA, NA, or CA(cocaine Anonymous) hotline, and just tell them that you can not drive, more than likely they will find you a way to a meeting. If you can do that and reach out to some people then it may be that you will find regular rides. This is part of the reason that they make phone lists for those groups.
About you little youngster! If you continue to use the pain meds do you really believe that you are fully there for your son? I know this is a huge factor for many women (fear of loosing there kids) I have a girl that I sponser that is in a recovery home right know that has the same fears. Her son is with the fathers grandparents who always threaten to take him away and do not allow very many phone calls etc. She finally had to come to a place of understanding that if she did not get her self in a better place (no using) she would be unable to provide a stable environment for her son.
I know you have heard all this stuff before and more than likely said the very same things to people, but the bottom line is that you really need to get honest and face the fears!!!!
I have faith that you can do this! I to have been an addict for about 20 years of using and a acumulated 7 years with a 60 day relapse about 3 years ago. There is a way out, but action on your part is required!
You were just honest with all of us about the pills so why don't you just get it over with and tell your doctor that you are slipping and ask for help and direction. Make some phone calls to treatment centers! Call state offices to find out what to do about your son while you go to treatment.
Shay, I have always liked the things that you tell others and when I first came to this board you were supportive to me and have helped me just as others have! Please don't give up! Get up and fight!
I am sending you a huge cyber HUG!!!
We are here for you and keep us posted on what is going on with you!!!
OMG, your story is so full of tragedy, I don't know what to say??
You helped pull me out of the hole!!! What can I do to help? I'm really lost for words because your situation is worse than mine.
It sounds like you really need the meds, especially after the accident, but the addiction monster is in there, forcing you to take more. Vicodin is a horrible roller coaster ride of false joy. I swear that those little yellow pills came straight out of Hell.
My nurse practitioner friend told me that hydrocodone was NOT designed for long term use. Long term pain management requires methadone or a similar drug with a longer half life. I'm not suggesting that different meds are the answer, but what about your pain? Is it bearable without the meds? Just because you are an addict doesn't mean the drugs are not needed. Only you can honestly answer those questions.
Your doctor is your friend. Tell her, and she will help you.
Gosh, you guys really are terrific! I can't really get into alot right now, but I just read your posts and couldn't just sign off without saying you guys rock! Isn't it so weird how you can actually latch on to people and sometimes specific people over the computer?! Amazing!
Mike, what is it with us? HaHa! We hit it off from the beginning! I do consider you a great friend too! That is just wild to me!
Thanks ya'll....and I'm taking it all in! I'll get back with everyone and actually address some of this stuff.
I'm calming down a bit now. I totally forgot I've got Ativan refills out there. I can take those when I run out of the hydros. They aren't as good as xanax for the w/d's but they should keep me from going into life threatening w/d's.
That's a relief.
I forgot all about them because I'm super careful with any kind of benzos. Talk about some serious w/d's! Coming off of them is just the same as alcohol and is very dangerous! I've done alcohol w/d several times and it's very scary!
Well just thought I'd share that. Don't know what I'm gonna do about the hydros yet. If I'm gonna tell the doc or not. Try something different. I dunno. I'm just gonna have to see how I do in the next couple of days. I know my mind has got to be "in it" for this to work. And I must have all of your support that's for sure!
I really need a kick in the butt about the hydros though from all of ya'll. Please remind me of all the reasons I shouldn't down the rest of the stupid things in the next day. I know the reasons, but sometimes it's more effective to hear other people tell me. I do not listen to myself often!
Thanks for being there everyone! I sure need EVERYBODY here!
Well, Im in the same boat as you vike wise. I got my refill on Tuesday, and it is almost gone. Got my loratab yesterday and I just want to take all those pills, 4 here, 5 there. Then there all gone. I have soma, that does get me hingh, so I really like that. Life sucks dont it. I have no words of encouragement, I wish I could help.
wow. i feel so bad for you. im sorry you feel so confined into your addiction. you've gotta know that if you take each "excuse" one at a time, that you will find a solution for each one, and then whats left? sobriety !!! are you ready? really, really ready? i hope so. you know we are all here to help. and please, please believe me when i tell you that if you get yourself to a 12 step and just reach out someone or someones they will be tripping over themselves to help you too!!! and if they dont, go to another meeting !! you might have already had experience with aa, but did you really reach out to those people to help you? try it. call the central office (number in the phone book) (yellow pages under addiction) someone will come get you and take you to a meeting.
as for losing your child (ren?), the authorities want to see a parent do everything they can to get and stay sober, they dont want to take those kids away.. trust me. my children were given to my parents, they took away all my rights. forced me to get sober. stayed in my face for almost a year, testing me all time, coming to my house ! well, after several several detoxes and rehabs, that is what finally worked for me. i still talk to my children services officer, she is so proud of me for staying sober. she's the best thing that ever happened to me !! so losing children? no, prolly not.
God Shay, i hope this helps - i wish you the best and want you to know to give me a hollar whenever, ill be here.
Last edited by oh-notagain; 06-09-2007 at 07:07 PM.
Well folks, looks like the end is near! Well for me it was really over last night. Knowing I can't just take what I want when I want is pretty done-dee for me.I swear, I managed to take 20 today and not even feel high. That's crazy! So I'm down to 6 for tomorrow. Enough to keep me from going into instant w/d.
The way this (and some of my other posts) look really sounds like I'm searching to get *** up. Just wanna let you guys know that's not the case. When I say high, I mean a little "good" while feeling normal. I just reread some stuff and it looked funny to me....just wanted to clear that up! For me, 20 or 30 a day is just feeling normal. I know that's really hard for some of you to understand fully, but just think of it as you guys taking 4, 5, or 6 in a day...something like that....I have to take 3 or 4 at a time to feel what some of you feel from 1. Seriously! It only gets that way from a very long history of addiction. Most would die. The same as when I was drinking. I tested at .45 , almost 6x's the legal limit in most states, which most people would be dead.
When you abuse drugs to that extent, it spills over into the tolerance level of other drugs also. Such as novacaine. The dentist has to give me way more than most to deaden my mouth. When I was in the hospital last year with some problems, I actually woke up during a colonoscopy. When I was getting a filter for blood clots put into a main vein from my neck into my side, I never fell "asleep." I talked and watched the xray throughout the entire proceedure. The anasythiologist looked at the doc at one point and said "she's wide awake and talking". They didn't worry about it since I was okay and not in pain...it didn't matter. Now imagine if I was hurt and couldn't talk and had to have a surgical proceedure! I could easily awake during it! Very scary!
Anyway, I'm getting off track here. So I just hope I'm gonna be ok after tomorrow. If I was gonna have w/d's, it wouldn't happen until Monday most likely. I'm hoping the Ativan will ease anything that would actually be a potential danger in w/d's. It should....I think!
So I'm gonna need alot of pep talks from you guys! Y'all are so terrific and understanding! I'm afraid I've gone and surprised even all of you! It's not easy to bear your a**! Hope ya'll don't change your minds about me, or I scare you away. You just really have to realize that I do not feel any different than you guys do with less, I just have a very huge tolerance!
I've heard something (and read in the imfamous Big Book) many times at AA meetings that the alcoholic is born that way. This btw has pretty much been medically proven, but not yet accepted. That we act differently from the first time we drink. I was probably 12 or 13 the first time I drank, other than tasting mom's drink. My Mother had a bottle of Light Rum in the cabinet. Don't know why now I wanted to drink, but I drank probably the equivelent of 4-5 shots. If I recall correctly I drank it straight. I then proceeded to add water to the bottle so she wouldn't know. Then, I threw up. Hate rum to this day because of it. Do you see how this is different and a road to addiction? Drank it straight, covered it up, hid it, drank more than a 12 yr old can, over did it, and threw up. Hummm, something to think about!
Anyway, thanks so much for sticking with me guys. (I'm being presumptuous at this point) You all mean so much to me and I really need everyone on this board,,,,,always have.
I read about a lot of addictions in your post, but is this your first dance with a detox from a 15+ pill a day vicodin habit? If so, you will need some help outside of this board. Without my wife, doctor, nurse practitioner friend, and minister friend, I could not have made it through the first two weeks. I have to be honest here. I can look at the d*** things now, and resist. However, I couldn't say that through the first weeks of detox. During much of that time, my wife hid the meds from me and had to get up every four hours to give me my "maintenance" dose.
Maybe I had such a tough time because I'm old (51).
If you've been through an opiate detox, then just throw out what I said.
I browse this board daily, so I will be here for you. What you really need, however, is a caring person in your house to help you through the hell that is coming. This mindless brute has a score to settle; be strong and persevere.
Mike is right on the money. You really should get some other outside help. I know that if you call AA, CA, NA, you should be able to get a ride to a meeting. You need to develope a support group that can help you. If I were in your shoes I would be getting honest with my doctor because you may need some medical help for this. Having a 20 vicodin habbit a day is not something that you should take lightly. I have seen others in my town come into a meeting and say they had a 20-40 vicodin habbit a day and not seek out medical support or 12 step program support and never return or come out worse off than that. I am worried about you. There is no reason in the world to have to go through this thing alone. You can not do it alone anyway! You need others to help you. Please call and get a ride to a meeting and reach out there like you do in here!!!
Keep us up to date
We are all here to help you, I can share my experience and what I know from others experience and will help out as much as possible.
Hang in there....Chrissy
Thanks for your concern, that means alot to me. Yes I've w/d from that much before and yes it can kill you. Ended up in a hospital twice for it. However, I think I 've learned what to do and not do...hopefully. Nothing is going to happen, if it's gonna happen, until late Monday or Tuesday. If anything gets really bad I do know where to go. I can also call my doc and fess up what's going on.
I'm gonna be honest here. I don't know that I'm ready to stop all together. I know that that is very hipocritical of me. I guess....The reason I give such good advice is because I live it. I know what has to be done and where your mind must be to stop this and I know my mind isn't at all where it needs to be.
I'm living with my mother. We have a very tumultuous relationship that is not in any way conducive to a major life change. I am about to move to another town (with her temprly) completely in a month. Find a job for the first time in 6years. (I was a stay at home mom then wasn't able to work for the last yr and a half due to my injuries) Got a whole lot on my plate. Yes Mike, I've done the rehab/detox thing more times than I can count that's why I know I'm not "ready". I know you can never be all the way ready....but I'm the furthest from it right now. However I'll tell ya, if I could do another rehab for a month or so I would....I can't.
It's coming....I know that without a doubt. I know I won't be this way forever. I know. I've got to have some time to get my own life in order though, to insure I stop and stay that way. When you're an addict of my calibur you have to remove any and all "triggers" possible. Things that are gonna send you into relapsing. My mother is my #1 trigger. I need my own place again and to be working. That's just all there is to it. Do ya'll see what I mean now? There's just a whole lotta stuff I haven't been able to explain here.
I'll get there, I know I will. I've learned more in the last year and a half than I've learned my entire life. I know the next time I quit it will be the last. However today is not the day.
Thanks so much everyone for standing by me.....although I have many answers, I don't have them all and can't apply the ones I do have half the time. That's why I need you guys so much!
Well the w/d's are starting already. sooner than I expected. I've got stuffed up sinuses, congestion, diarreah, nausea, sweats and chills. Not hurting too badly yet. Hopefully the ativan will help that.
I feel like crud already!
Just thought I'd give ya'll an update. Took some nyquil and an ativan and I'm going to bed. Hopefully to sleep.