Well you have a whole lot on your hands. Of course, what I should say and really am "supposed" to say is, " Only the addict can say weather they are an addict or not." It is quite clear that there is a definate problem here. Yes you have addiction on your hands.
But the one true part of "what I should say" is yes the only way it's going to change is for your husband to determine for himself he is an addict. I can tell you from the addict's side, that things will not change unless the addict is miserable. NO two ways about it. Things have to be bad enough that using is not "worth it" anymore. Threatening won't work, yelling doesn't work, shaking him, leaving him, him leaving, etc..etc.. willl not work unless he admits he's an addict, accepts he's an addict, and is TIRED of being addicted and sobriety looks better than using. I'm sorry there's not an easy answer.
You asked what to do. TAKE CARE OF YOU. An addict's "addiction" or drug of choice will be more important than anything else to him. I know this is hard to hear. But that's why you must take care of you. It's not that he loves the drug more than you, but it's that the drug is more POWERFUL than him and anything else in his life. Substances have become a means of survival. His "air" to breath, or "food" or "water.....he now "needs" it to live. The drug itself has tricked him into thinking there is no other way. He cannot function normally, like other people, without it.
Have you heard of Al-anon? It's for the families of addicts.Now, I personally, have not had a whole lotta luck with it, although others do. You, yourself can go to AA or NA on "open" meeting nights and get alot of perspective on the addict and alot of help too being the wife of an addict. The meetings are "open" to everyone.
The only other thing I know to tell you is be supportive, BUT set bounderies and limitations. Let him know you are there for him all the way, will be by his side, go to meetings, support detox/rehab, BUT will not live like that. But YOU yourself are going to have to have help to get through this....and to be supportive in the best way to him. Also, let him know and see that YOU are going to do something about the situation for yourself and family wheather he is ready to "own" up or not. Sometimes "we" (the addict) are more influenced by that than anything. just watching someone else we love address us, accept us, and deal with us...makes us willing to do the same for ourselves. Make sense?
I hope you all the best. Keep reading the posts here too and you will definately know the mind of an addict.