I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hi everyone,
I am still here with you guys. It is hard type this morning and I just responed to another post, so my fingers are not working very well.
I have been really sick. Fever chills, shakes sweats vommit. I guess God has spared me the diareah. I hope I did not jinx my self by saying that!
I thought that it was supposed to get better as you decreased, but my body always has a different plan!
I felt pretty good yeaturday and had some things to do in another town 30 miles from home and all went well till I got home and ate dinner. It came back up and I was feverish and sweating all night. I had to change P J's 2 times and the sheets one time. YUCK!
I am so gratefull that my mind is not telling me that I need the drugs to feel better! My pain Doc told me the other day I could get some of the withdrawl effects to go away by him giving me some kind of opiate and I saidthere is no way in the world I want to do that!!!. He laughed and said I understand! I just have to tell you all the options. He already new I would say no!
I am feeling really icky already today and I could not sleep past 4 am this morning and the past few mornings. Can't fall asleep and can't stay sleeping I guess.
Shay if your reading I want to say I am so proud of you and happy for you! Coder if you are reading the same goes for you and happy 31 days.
I know I will get through this and I will feel better because my higher power always takes care of me!
I think I am going to try and eat something small and will check back later.
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey Mike,
Thanks so much for the support! I made it from 25 mg's to 10 mg's started getting sickly again and now I am at 5 mg's. I am almost there!!
I will go down to 2.5 mg's on Wed this coming week for ten days and then done!!!
Yeah!
It has taken about a month and a week to get here.....almost home....Chrissy
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey Chrissy
Thanks for your never ending support!
Girl, I gotta say something...I hope it's okay....but it's just something to ponder....
These w/d's you are having are really dragging out a long time! It seems like you've been talking about the same withdrawals for about a month now...am I right? Going CT doesn't even drag it out THAT long....Maybe for a hard core addict like me, but not someone like you....(If I've got facts wrong here, please correct me!)
Just something I was thinking...You know that you could stop the meth and take Librium for about 4-5 days, avoid all the sweats, chills, stomach aches, etc....and be done with it? Just something you might want to approach your pm doc about.....You won't have w/d's from Librium in that amount of time...not significant....you start at a moderate dosing and taper over about 5 days (it varies, depending where you're at in dependency) down to just taking one or two on the last day or two.....
I just hurt everytime I read your posts and it seems like it's taking forever! I commend you highly for enduring this for so long, but it doesn't seem neccessary to me.....maybe I'm totally wrong on this because I'm not real versed in meth, but an opiate, is an opiate, is an opiate.......
I just really feel for you Chrissy and want it all to end for you! You're in recovery...it's clear....you are stone cold sober mentally! You are right where you are supposed to be to recover and not relapse....so I'm just wanting to ask your doc "why the big long drawn out w/d's?"
Would you please have him call me! Ha Ha!!!!
You are really an inspiration, putting up with this for so long.....
I hope it ends soon though, cuz you're such a great person, and have worked so hard!
Shay
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Thanks So much Shay,
You are right! I have been tapering for weeks now and I just want to be done. I do not want to put another thing in my body!! I hate it.
I don't know either! I am wondering if I should just call him (PM Doc) and say look dude what will happen if I just stop takinging it right now? I have been on the 5 mg's for about since Thursday. I am just so sick to my staomach. I am sort of half sitting on the couch and half laying on the couch with my computer on my lap. Wiggling and jiggling because I feel like ****!! My friends came over a little while ago and they are normal. They came buy ti pick up something they wanted to borrow. Anyway my friends hubby saw I was in a state and said he had a mucle relaxer that he is taking for his back! Asked if I wanted any. I said no because it is not right to take other peoples drugs. I know he meant well! Probly felt bad for me all sickly and restless. Can't blame him! I relaly wish I could relax so I could stopp wiggling.
I am just tired of the entire thing at this point. What is the worse that would happen get sicker and be done..That works.
I am ranting now but I jsut can't hang today!! I know I won't be this way for ever and God is here,
BUt right now I am cranky irritaed restless and sick etc etc etc and I am just going to allow myself to be that way!!
Shay do you think I should just call the doc and tell him I cn't do it any more and ask if I am safe to just stop? Should I call him now even though the week end is almost over or wait till firat thing in the morning?
Would You!
Help
Chrissy
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hold on Chrissy!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deep breath!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gracious! I don't wanna screw anything up here!!!
YOU are not in a good place right this second just to stop it all!!! I see it!!!
What the heck do they say in AA....where's Kadee.....
Irritated, Restless, Discontent, ....alll the things you said they spell a word like HALT or something.....
Anyway it means.....that's when we are most likely to fall, slip, use again....BEWARE....
Okay, did you take a deep breath?
Yes, I think you should investigate this. Yes, I think this has gone on too long. But they are my thoughts....I can't tell you what to do at all, and although I am somewhat of an expert at this w/d thing, I AM most certainly not an expert at recovery....I gotta little insight on it, but you don't see me sitting here sober do you? Aaahhh! You've scared me! I can just picture you bouncing up and down, figgety, and waiting for 10days to come...Just chill a minute!
Go take a big, hot bath and just sit there and think on it a bit.....and relax in that bath.....I am a HUGE believer in the power of water and it's calming effects.....I think IT should be prescribed!....seriously.....jacuzzi's and stuff.....ins co's should pay for that and massage therapy....
So lemme wrap this up before you go Rambo on me!.....soak in a long, hot as you can stand it bath, ....if you have any Epsom salt use it.....ever heard of salt of the earth...."he's the salt of the earth" Epsom salt is super powerful too.....THEN THINK....THEN call the doc discuss it THOROUGHLY.... and THINK again about it......
Then come back and tell me (us) what he said....
But you know, no matter what any of us say....this has got to be your decision...and you can't be all rattled if you're gonna do this...
Whew!
Okay....
I'll be online all day...piddling arround the house...so I'll check back...Okay?
Shay
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hello Chrissy
With apologies to any and all, I am going to butt in here. If you are tapering, then taper. If you chose cold turkey, do cold turkey. And stick with the plan! While all plans call for some bit of flexibilty, changing the plan totally should not occir in my opinion. A taper is discipline and drawn out, yes. But if you have come SO far, why the heck abandon it now???? ... and suffer cold turkey, wasting all that taper time you have invested?????
With a taper, crummy feelings are drawn out, yes. Tolerable crummy feelings. Cold turkey? Holy Guacomole! When I started my taper, I got thrown into full, and I mean full withdrawal. Too much cutting in too little time (overnight cut nearly in 1/2 on Xanax, in 1/3 on oxycodone. Major, major mistake by well meaning doctor. It took me two weeks just to level off and continue on a much much slower taper. Coming off the oxycodone was pretty easy in the end... I came off a 1/8th of a tab dose! THAT is the way to truly taper! Same now as I finished the Xanax. Last doses.. 1/8th a tab.
Of course, you will do as you want, which is, of course, what you should do. But, geeze, Chrissy, think it through more, okay?
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey Reach,
I totally know what you're saying....My only point here is that she is having withdrawals that you experience the first week of w/d's not for 5 weeks.....and she still has 10 days to go....on the meth.....then actually going off the meth....entirely.....
That, just to me, is pretty gruelling to the body....especially to still actually BE ON the drug you're trying to get off of.....You know what I mean....
I'm simply suggesting, Chrissy that you JUST TALK about it with your doc.....there's probably a good reason for it, maybe that I hadn't thought about.....that's why I said DISCUSS IT.....I'm just wondering what he would say if you asked #1. like you said, what would happen if I went off right now, and #2. what he thought about a 3-5day Librium plan.....ONLY SUGGESTIONS AND THOUGHTS .....
Meth is a totally different beast than standard opiates and benzos......I have my own belief system about meth (which I'm holding back on alot) but it's JUST my own belief....and like I made sure to add....you do not see me sitting here sober...right?
Anyhoo......Chrissy, you're a big girl and have a great head on your shoulders and a good relationship with your HP from what I've seen here and YOU and HP know what you need to do and I don't think you're gonna do anything rash.....you have been very thorough in this from the get go....sometimes we don't think to ask certain things of our docs and other's input is helpful.....
I really should have added in my first post, when you get in that bath, think AND PRAY about it.....you'll find the answers....
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Chrissy:
If I had to do it all over again, I would taper. As you might already know, I was taking a lot of vicodin, soma, codeine, ..., and my doc put me on a 6, 750/325 vicodin per day maintenance dose. Well, that maintenance dose turned into full blown withdrawal (dry heaves, nausea, hallucinations, shakes, chills, sweats...) that lasted for a week. When the symptoms started to ease, the maintenance dose ran out, and I went through the whole damn thing again, a double whammy. But it wasn't over. After the second round of CT symptoms started to fade, the PAWS demon slapped me down with a vengence.
My nurse practitioner friend told me that all of that CT suffering was not neccessary. She said that if he would have put me on a taper similar to what she prescribes for her patients, the withdrawals would not have been as intense, but, however, would have lasted longer.
She says that the most difficult part of a taper is that you not only have to suffer with withdrawals but you also have to deal with the PAWS side of opiate addiction. So, YOU are, in a sense, fighting a war on two fronts.
Not all people can handle CT withdrawal. Like my doctor said, "it's just too hard."
I hope this helps. Be strong, you don't have far to go.
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
What's PAWS?
Shay-are you sober right now? I don't mean to get too personal, but I thought from your other posts that you were sober. Did I just misread this last post?
From my personal experience, I can't taper. I'm surrounded by Hydros (my husband takes them for a legitimate illness) and I'm too obsessive and once I start feeling uncomfortable, I cave.
My problem mainly is I cannot function around my kids when I feel like crap. I'm achy, sick to my stomach, irritable like no tomorrow, I want to jump out of my skin, and I'll take it out on my kids (not beating them or anything extreme, but I'll yell, be impatient, and basically push them away and that's not fair.
Plus, I'm probably not tapering right. I want to go from taking 20 to 25 to taking 8-10 and that's just not realistic. But to me, tapering just prolongs the agony. Maybe if I tapered more realistically, it would work, but again, the obsession kicks in, and it's just one more now, and I'll cut down later.
All I can contribute from personal experience from the past, is it can be done, it does get better, but it's got to come from the heart. Days can seem like months, and minutes like days.
The HALT can come in handy--hungry, angry, lonely, tired. We are so used to using to covering all our emotions that we confuse being hungry with wanting to take something, angry, take something. etc etc. If you can start using the HALT system, you may realize that eating when you are hungry instead of using can actually make the obsession subside for the time being.
I feel like a hypocrite givign advice while I'm still in my circle of addiction, but hoping if I read my own advice, it'll give me the strength I need to conquer my own demons.
I wish you much luck on your recovery. You can do it. Consider every day as such a huge achievement-a gift you don't want to lose
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hi Smoochy (love the name)
PAWS = Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. It is part of the withdrawal process. The mind has to rewire pleasure-reward circuits after long term opiate use. PAWS can last a year or more, depending on how much opiate was being used and how long the user was on the drug.
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey Smooch
You can ask me whatever you want about addiction....I've got to be as honest as possible if I ever want to be sober. No, sweetie, I'm not sober, althogh I feel I am! This time last week I went off 20-30 a day Lortab to nothing for 5days.....Super bad w/d's (I did have some ativan thankfully to keep me alive) but not til the 2nd day late.
I know what you mean about your kids....I had to send my little one to his dad's house because I was throwing up non-stop for an entire about 12 hours....he listened to me all night long....how depressing. I had to tell him it was something I ate or the flu and I didn't want him to get sick too.....Talk about feeling some guilt....
Yuk....I'm in a "mood" right now because I switched to fentanyl on Friday cuz the w/d's were so severe. I've got to be alone and by myself for about a week to 10 days to do this physically....then do alot of inner stuff and NA/AA.
Everyone here has kinda freaked out at me going to fentanyl, which has got me freaked out too, but I'm really super careful with narcotics....I was taught by the best abusers in the world! HaHa! Just a joke.... But the people I hung with 15-20 years ago were abusing prescription meds before anyone knew to! Anyway.....I am not at all familiar with fentanyl but have researched as best I can..I just looked at the box of fentanyl and was reading it and it says specifically on it "not for acute or postoperative use" "In vivo delivery of 25mcg/ fentanyl for 72hours" and "each transdermal system contain 2.55mgs fentanyl.......
Anyway, from what I can tell in research, and just the way I feel, I'm not in any trouble at all....I'm not high by any means, actually in a little bit of a 'funk' because I'm pretty normal, and having just slight w/d's....But i'm not craving at all.....That's a good thing.....
I don't know if this fentanyl is different from others, but seems pretty mild....not controlling pain really well, but I'm starting to just accept it....I have no idea how that's gonna work when I go back to work....guess I'll worry about that then.....
I read something earlier today about w/ding from hydro and it suggested for phase I: take the same dose you always do first thing in the day whenever you usually take your first dose (probably when you get up right?) then for the rest of the day knock it down by a 1/3.....take a nighttime dose right before going to bed.....keep this up for about 5-7days
Phase II: Take that first dose that you've kept the same and knock it down 1/3 but still take it same time you always do, take all other doses and knock them down an additional 1/3....5-7days
Phase III: Everything down another 1/3, which you should be down to about nothing and another 5-7days then you'll not take anything after that
They suggest writing all this down so you'll stick to a plan. They also say everybody is different which we know and that the days may vary.....They say you will have slight w/d's after stopping of course, but it mainly entails lack of sleep and probably some tummy upset....
Anyway.....but we both know you gotta be ready...no matter what you do!
You can do all that, but if you're not really ready to change things and willing to do what it takes, it's not gonna work...your mind will tell you all day long your w/ds are worse than they might be, and you're craving big time!
Ya know, the way I'm approaching this is I am quitting around August....(you can look at my posts under "I'm depressed" and 'fentanyl questions' for details as to the why's and what's) ....and when I quit I'm just going to tell my six yr old little boy that I'm changing some medicine and stuff and it might make mommy a little gripey sometimes, but don't take it personally and let me know if I'm being too gripey and I'll try not to be....and to just be patient with me because mommy's gonna realy be in a much better mood all the time and not feel so bad after awhile....
It's honest, but not too much info for him....we are super tight and he will understand and I can talk to him like that....I think he'll be thanful in the end for sure....a month or so of gripiness and tiredness isn't so bad considering the alternative.....
I'm glad to hear from you Smooch!!!
Maybe when you get ready, we can do this together and just be gripey to each other!
Shay
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hi guys,
I am still totally sick! I have not kept any food down and I know not enough water. This comes from some one who is an avid water drinker! Like 4-5 bottles a day. I mabey have drank 2 and thrown up. I can feel the headache already from dehydration.
You guys I am so sick of this!! Really my body is literally just screaming for me to end this long dragged out ****.
I have made up my mind! I am going to call the PM doctor and ask what is really going to happen if I just go down to 0 mg's at this point when I am so close anyway! So what I get sicker for the next week? That sounds better than living like this for the next 14 days or whatever I got left!
I hate these pills and I have since I have had to take them. They helped me and now my pain is gone and don't need them. I am a sober person that is detoxing physically I have no desire whatso ever to put this **** in my body.
Okay My mom just called to check on me and she thinks it totally crazy for me to drag this out any longer.
You guys what do I do? I think the PM doc should let me do it and help me with the nausea and vomitting part.
I probably sound so totally insane to you guys who have done this thing cold turkey, but not taking it any more when you are already at 5 mg's can't be much worse than this. Metahadone really took my pain away and I am grateful for that! But I don't need or want it any more.
Okay I feel better that I just vented all that out. Wow Breathe.
So please you guys help me figure this out! Do you think it is a good idea to at least ask the PM doc and see what he says???
By the way mike I wanted to thank you for what you said about almost being there, I no I am almost home and now I just can't get there fast enough.
I needed to hear that today.
I still have faith...Chrissy
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hi Chrissy:
I don't know what precisely is happening, maybe PAWS related, (there's that word again) but I'm having a blue day. I read Shay's and Izzy's posts, and blue seems to be going around. I know precisely what will fix that problem... nope, can't go there.
Your doctor should be able to tell you what to expect if you CT at this point. A good counselor at a rehab center in your area can tell you as well.
I can feel your impatience and suffering, really. I have been there. It seems like forever, huh?
Other board members will have advice. Just know that what you are going through will pass, taper or CT. Soon, you will be on the other side!
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey Chrissy,
Hang in there girl! You know how I feel about it! Look at the post "swithching from methadone to suboxone" and look at what 'ajbear' wrote today....you might want to hit him up for more details on his story....he says he wants to quit CT because he's quit meth before by taper and it was hell....
Maybe try this....tell him what's going on and that you wanna just try and quit CT....BUT IF you had too rough a time, would he be willing to put you back at the dose you're on now and finish the taper....or would he be wiling to prescribe librium for 3days and what did he think about that....
I know you don't want to take anything else...I commend that totally...just an option so you don't get stuck....
I really think it's rediculous to be withdrawing for this long with those symptoms and still have 10days to go and you still have to actually go off the stupid stuff.....Did you know that when you stop the meth...even on a low dose....it is going to stay in your system for 109 hours? that's almost 5 days and then w/d's are gonna hit because it will AT THAT POINT finally be out of your system for real....?
I know I couldn't have done it feeling the way you do for 5 weeks! And still not be done.
Just make sure you're in the right place mentally like I said before....okay?
HUGS
Shay
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Hey everyone!!!!
I totally apologize for just completly freaking out.
Thanks so much everyone! I promise that I will call the Pain Doc and talk (discuss) with him, with a completly open mind. I am not even going to ask when I first talk to him. I am just going to explain what has been going on and where I am at. He may not want to talk over the phone and require me to come in. I can do that, it will be hard it is about a 25 mile drive on a mountain road lots of road construction on that road and 20 min delays.
Shay your right! I do have a higher power that really works for me and after calling my mom back and talking with her after I posted, I realized that this stuff and the w/d symptoms had the power again. I had to really just stop and ask for God's help in what to do. Thats when it came to me that I needed to try my best to have an open mind to what his(PM DR) direction and suggestions will be. I can ask all those things after I explain what has been going on and he is done talking.
Right now I really just need to try and drink more water and relax.
All of you guys are so wonderful. I mean really. I love all the friends that I have here in my town that are clean and sober, but not many of them know all this stuff is happening right now. I have learned the hard way that pain meds and other meds are not to be talked about but with only a very select few. Semi big town with a small town atmosphere in the recovery groups. So you guys really can relate and I am so grateful to have all of your thoughts suggestions and opinions.
I am a tough thing and I will continue to walk through this. My body wants to give up, but I won't. No way
Love you all...I gotta try and sleep...Chrissy
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Chrissy
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It is a horror to read and to remember the feelings of having your skin scraped off. I agree with Reach. A taper is discipline and you have invested in so much because you want to walk out of this one without hopping onto another drug, like suboxone or buprenorphene or libruim or lithium or whatever which one. It’s just another sink hole for the paramedical companies. Once we go off one drug they make up a new one to come off.
Meth is different, if you are being taken down too fast, the meth doesn’t get a chance to stabilize and work; successful meth w/d thrives on slow stabilization, slow drops. Also there are other medications that can pull the meth out of your system; Ask your doc about that, your thyroid medication? Also, drinking acidity juices, like grapefruit and orange juice can pull the meth out too and send you into nerve-squirm. When you take the meth do you eat a piece of dry toast? That is supposed to help hold things together. Is there a meth specialist doctor you can talk too? Meth is different, everyone is different and it seems to me you could use a lot of support on this one. Please let us know what the doctor suggests.
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Good morning,
I feel a bit better this morning, but that is pretty common for me. Later as the day progresses is what I need to prepare for.
Anyway, I will be calling the doc this morning and talking with him and finding out what the next step is here.
Yesturday was really hard for me physical mentally and spiritually. I did not have craving or anything like that, but it is really just wearing me down.
I have to say that anyone who has done this CT or by tapering and has some few 24's under there belt... right on for you. It is bad enough without the craving but for you guys who went through this and really wanted to feed the craving part, man my hat is off to you guys for hangin in!
Love you all....and I will let you guys know what the PM Doc says.
Chrissy
Re: I am still here hanging on this roller coster ride!
Chrissy:
It IS a good morning. There is a lot of difference between dependence and addiction. It is good that you never "liked" meth.
It is interesting that you say the day starts out well, but as it progresses, the withdrawals get worse. My withdrawals were not particular about the time of day, it was like oh-no, here we go again, another wild shakey ride.
Do you feel better in the morning because it is when you take your meds? Are you taking 5 mg split up every 8 hours or all at once in the morning?
Tell your doctor exactly what you told us. Your symptoms seem to suggest that the meds are not distributed throughout the day evenly enough.
Ha Ha!!!! 
