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Old 07-23-2007, 08:58 PM   #1
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Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hello everyone,

Some of you may remember me. I was here a few months ago, and had almost 30 days clean. Then I had a bunch of dental problems, and the dentist prescribed me lortabs. And being the stupid junkie I am I took them. And it all just went downhill from there. I just kept taking them, and kept coming up with some great reason why that particular day wasnt a good day to quit, it would be so much better if I waited until...whatever my excuse for the day was. Well I am just sick of it!!! This is a ridiculous way to live my life and I am just through with it! I have so many good clear logical reasons to quit so why is it so hard to just do it? The best chance I ever had and the only time in a while i felt I might actually be an ok person was when I was on here talking to all of you so thats why I came back here. Im not sure what I expect, I just know that I desperatly want to quit for good, and could use any suggestions or just some plain old support or anything you guys can do to help me so please dont hesitate to post and let me have it...good or bad, Im here listening
Thanks,
Harmony

Last edited by harmony8299; 07-23-2007 at 09:01 PM.

 
Old 07-23-2007, 11:33 PM   #2
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Talking Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Quote:
Originally Posted by harmony8299 View Post
I have so many good clear logical reasons to quit so why is it so hard to just do it?
It’s hard because the addiction fills some void in your life. You need to find out what that is and fill it with something good.

___


Quote:
Originally Posted by harmony8299 View Post
dont hesitate to post and let me have it...good or bad, Im here listening
Okay…

Do you know the difference between someone who really “wants to quit using” and someone who wants to “want to quit using”? It’s VERY hard to know the difference. Just think about it.


When you are ready your “clean operation” will take off like a rocket and you will succeed. Please do not feel bad that you had an “incident”. Just analyze your “incident” for any useful information / lessons, target and knock out all identified “relapse triggers”, and incorporate the necessary adjustments…then move on to fight and win the next battle. You will be okay Harmony!!!


My advice and/or comments are not mainstream / popular, but I know what makes the world of addiction turn.


Later,
InfinitePhoenix

Last edited by InfinitePhoenix; 07-23-2007 at 11:40 PM.

 
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Old 07-24-2007, 05:24 AM   #3
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hello Harmony

Sure, I remember you! It is good to see you here among us again. Good also to read that you are seeking to get off and stay off the narcotics.

I have so many good clear logical reasons to quit so why is it so hard to just do it?

Harmony, I believe in my heart that the lack of following through consistently with support is what has led you to where you are today. I can not remember the part of your plan surrounding detox... seems it was cold turkey?.... but I do remember when the dental issues came up. Seems that when you took that first loratab, the desire to use them simply overcame the need to have intense support needed while you had to be on them. Sad, but understandable.

How am I able to stay off painkillers thus far? Fear. A healthy fear of where they could lead me again. I don't even fear detox to anywhere near the degree that I fear losing the essence of me again. No where near! There is a part of me that wants to believes that I maybe could use a painkiller regularly and responsibly, but the rational part of me knows that it is not ever again going to be worth the chance of tolerance leading to abuse again. No way. Not as long as my thoughts rmain rational. They remain rational for me in part by keeping contact here and in large part by having a chat with my family and friends every so often now about where I was last year and where I am now. Not using opiates and such for me has become a habit, an ingrained habit although it takes work still not to break this newly found habit.

Get the plan down solid. Write it out as a black and white reminder avcailable to read constantly. Go back and reread all of your own posts.... let them serve as a reminder to you of how to get going, how to stay going. Write that plan in two part harmony ( haha a pun on you). Thefirst part the detox stage, the second part the plan for action in NA, therapy, whatever is going to become the permanent support needed to keep you detoxed and into a steady habit of sober thinking.

Use the failure as a lesson and not an excuse to regain the ground lost. Only you can get yourself into motion. get it shaking, Harmony, and of course we will all be here to support you.

It is good to see you here again.
Hugs
reach

 
Old 07-24-2007, 06:58 AM   #4
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hi there Harmony!

I was not on this board when you were here last. I want to say welcome back!!!

I really like what Reach had to say she made many good points.

It is interesting the way you described how the Dentist gave you the Lortabs and you took the one and then could not stop!!
I am an addict in recovery and what you described is the Phenomenon of craving!! Once you put the substance into your body that craving takes over and you can't stop!!

I had almost 4 years clean and sober and I relapsed! I relapsed because the desire to use became stronger than the desire to stay clean. My drug of choice was Methamphetamines.
Some things were taking place for me before and leading up to the point that I actually drank and then eventually started to smoke Methamphetamines again. I had to realize that a drink and or drugs were not a solution for anything in life.

I stopped wokring with a sponsor in a 12 step group, I stopped going to meetings, I stopped haveing a conscious contact with a Higher Power.
Harmony the tools for sobriety were there at my feet but the desire to use became stronger than the desire to stay sober and I just stopped picking up the tools and using them.

I now have almost 3 years in this time around. Ever since I got clean this time I have been dealing with a work related injury. I eventually had 4 surgeries on my arm and was taking pain meds. Even though I took them as prescribed I still had to detox from them.

I know that you are probably scared and unsure, but Reach is right when she says go back and re-read some of your posts and see where you were last time you did this thing.
See if you can pin-point what was going on with you before the dental stuff!! What kind of frame of mind were you in.

Detox is hard yes I understand that but the real challeng is to Stay stopped.

For me I know from my relapse that I will never be able to drink or use safely.
Staying stopped takes work. Once you are through detoxing and your mind is clear then you can beging to fill the void, or if you will, the hole in your soul.
When I relapsed I did not loose any material things, it was only about 60 days of using that it took to really damage my soul. The drugs took that away before anything else.
I have worked every day to repair it and continue on the road in recovery.

I am so glad that you came back in here to share with us. We are all here to support you on this journey.
You will need some real live personal contacts because this can not be done alone! Reach suggested NA and counceling and those are great places to start.
I am glad that you had the courage to come back and share with us because some just don't make it back......you have been granted another chance at this deal...yeah for you!!!!!!
Chrissy

 
Old 07-25-2007, 02:26 AM   #5
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hi Harmony!

I am not going to yell at you--just ((hug)) you and say that you CAN do it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and detox again.

Life is too short and precious to spend it in a fog.

Stay Strong!!
Flushed

 
Old 07-26-2007, 02:36 PM   #6
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hello everyone,

Thanks for all the replies! I am glad to see some of my old friends (Hi Reach and Flushed, how is everything going with you guys? I am glad to see that your still here and hopefully doing well!!!) and also some new friends. Im sorry I havent been on here in a few days, its now day three, and unfortunately we all know those are tough, plus I have to share the computer and havent been able to get to it these last few days. I really appreciate all the comments and I just wish this hell would stop, Ive been tempted a few times, i know how to make it stop, but that just leads to another kind of hell!!! So for now I am just suffering through it and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon!
Thanks
Harmony

 
Old 07-26-2007, 04:40 PM   #7
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Harmony,

I am glad that you posted I was concerened!

I know that it is tough and I am glad that you are able to recognize that by going back it would be like opening pandoras box!! Good for you.

Hang in there and let us know how you are when you can....

Chrissy

 
Old 07-26-2007, 04:48 PM   #8
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Quote:
I have so many good clear logical reasons to quit so why is it so hard to just do it?
The main reason we go back to drugs imo is dishonesty. It is necessary for us to lie to ourselves if we are to abuse drugs. Once we know we are addicts and what that entails, there is no way we can honestly think that drugs are good for us. Staying clean then, requires us to learn to be honest. Most of us find it easier to be honest with others first - hence sponsorship and homegroups and the like. Eventually, we learn to apply that honesty to ourselves. It is rigorous self honesty that will eventually keep you clean.

That rigorous self honesty won't allow you to say, "It will be different this time."
__________________
"In Jersey anything's legal as long as you don't get caught" Boo Wilbury

 
Old 07-26-2007, 04:59 PM   #9
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hey guys,

I am having such a rough day today. It is day three but this seems to be the worst day yet!!! The way I remember last time it seemed by day 3 I was getting somewhat better? Whats the deal with that? Why do I seem to be getting worse? I feel like Im dying!!! My insides are turning themselves about I have a fever I have these terrible muscle aches This really sucks!!! I know I HAVE to do this though so Im trying to stay strong but**** its hard!!! And after all this then I get to go through depression and weight gain. Why oh why did I ever do this to myself? I wish I had never heard of those stupid pills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Old 07-26-2007, 06:45 PM   #10
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Harmony

For many, maybe even most, Day Three is typically the worst day physically! Tomorrow may still be pretty bad, but then you ARE going to turn the corner physically. Yes, you will.

Harmony, I think going through withdrawal a second or third time is like having more than one baby. After the birth of the first one, we think we will never, ever forget what that pain and exhaustion is like. Well, we may not forget, but somehow the details get a bit hazy in our memories. Probably because the sweet time of rocking the baby at home becomes stronger than the agony of birth... the thoughts get mixed up a bit with time, you know? then when we are beginning labor with number two or three, we suddenly remember, "OH, YEAH, NOW I REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS REALLY LIKE!!!!" And we wished to goodness for that few hours that we HAD danced all night nine months previous instead of doing anything else. Smiles.

And then the goodness comes upon us again as we hold that baby. However, that third time on the delivery table for me taught me to gain a REAL healthy respect for consistent birth control. Chuckles.

The whole thing just compares to detox on such a parallel... let's hope together that this is the last detox for you. When you are comfortably in recovery again, come back and read your thread here if you are ever tempted to put yourself in a state of needing to detox again.

With lots of good wishes
reach

 
Old 07-27-2007, 10:59 AM   #11
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Reachout,

You are so sweet! You have such a way with words and always make me feel better. Im doing slightly better than last night. I read a lot of other posts last night after I posted, and some of them really hit home. Well once again Reach, who must be an angel, had given some advice to others about recovery that just really clicked for me. I guess I will have to make contact with these 3 D people and have a real plan for recovery. I had such a terrible experience with NA before, so I dont think I will do that again. I will try to use this site as a kind of NA I guess. But I think I will look into some kind of counseling or therapy. Any thoughts on how to go about this?

Thanks,
Harmony

 
Old 07-27-2007, 11:26 AM   #12
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hi Harmony

Yep, 3-d people are, without a doubt, a needed part of a recovery plan. A newer board member, Logalind, gave us that phrase and I just LOVE to use it!! I told her I would, but I always give her a citation for it ( logalind) because I honestly think it ought to be patented and published in like AA.s Big Book or something. Chuckles.

WHICH, by the way, might be, ( no, absolutley WOULD be) a very, very good investment to buy. Look for a source to purchase it online. There is no reason in the world not to use its concrete steps and work them at home. Yes, I do believe attending meetings would be more helpful for you. But you know what? I wasn't capable of getting out to meetings for so long and still was able to get detoxed and stay that way. And much of that accomplishment I can directly attribute to attending so many, many AA meetings as a kid with my dad, who was a atendee for all of my growing up years and far beyond that. I can not recite the 12 steps, but I sure know how to practice them! The main ideas of A are a part of me, ingrained and indelible. use them in ALL areas of my life in ALL situations.

For some concrete one-oone 3D human help (logalind), simply pick up the silly old-fashioned phone! I found my work with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker to be most effective in helping me. They often work in tandem with a psychiatrist's office, but that doesn't matter. A solo one is just the same. When tyou call, simply tell the receptionist you are suffering from depression nand anxiety and want to see the social worker...and I do NOT see this as anything but truth as I am sure you ARE suffering from these things. That is exactly why I was sent to my clinical social worker... for the anxiety and depression. Once in there behind closed doors, spill your guts, Tootsie! You may not, probably won't leave there 'cured' of addiction that first visit, but I guarantee you, you are going to leave there with a tremendous wave of relief that will hit because of the big step in seeking 3-D support (logalind).

Go for it, Harmony!.. call uyour insurance carrier for a reference ( social workers ARE covered), OR, if you have no insurance, let your fingers do the walking in the Yellow Pages, OR if you have no insurance AND no money, call your local hospital for a reference to a sliding scale clinic. Ummmmm.. did I cover all the bases? I hope so. Smiles.

Love and hope
reach

 
Old 07-27-2007, 12:22 PM   #13
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Reach,
Thank you! And yes I think you covered all the bases I actualy have a copy of the Big Book and a couple other NA related books, so I guess I will pull them out and read them. In the book on working the steps it said the only wrong way to work them is without meetings and a sponser, so I guess I got kind of scared and just quit reading them. But hey if you did it without meetings and Im sure many other have, then I guess I can give it a shot as well. As for right now, I am going to go get my phone book and make some calls for social workers. Thanks for all your advice and support, it means alot to me. Hey, maybe you can be like my online sponsor or something. I dont know if that works but I do know you always have great advice and I feel better after talking to you!

Thanks so much
Harmony

 
Old 07-28-2007, 04:54 AM   #14
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Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hey Hey Harmony

Good morning. How is it going today with the detox? I know it stinks, Honey, but it is doable. Are you keeping yourself real busy or are you still stuck in the "can't get up yet" phase? Man, I think that phase is just horrible! Once we can force ourselves to get the body moving and the mind occupied, it gets so much better. Exhausting, yes, but so much better as we begin the baby steps accomplishing tiny things and getting the boady and brain into restoration action and out of detox action.

Maybe today you can get yourself outside at least for a short while. Sit in the sunshile, and, if it is raining, stand at the back door and just feel the fresh air for a bit. If all else fails, lay your face in na window where daylight can hit it. I spent lots of hours doingjust that! And I logged it in my journal as a baby step. Actually, the first time I did it, I felt like I had made a huge step in being proactive in helping myself!

Hey, maybe you can be like my online sponsor or something.

Harmony, I am your companion on this journey and by virtue of that, I am already a sponser! However, why setttle for just one when you already have lots and lots here on this board walking alongside of you! Goofy Girl. Smiles.
I always watch for your posts and have no reason to stop. Duh!

You can do this, Harmony. And you can do it well and be okay. The proof is not in the sponsers who walk alongside of you now... it is in all those who have walked before us and have succeeded in escaping the stranglehold of addiction. Many have had addiction issues so serious and so long that nothing in their history would ever predict success for them and yet they have done it, done it well and are now living restored lives, maintain their sober thinking and have joy again! We are no more than them, but no less either!


I think, Harmony, that if you will accept the truths of those who have gone before us, you will find your screen name becomes not just your screen name, but an adjective of your life. Your life being lived in harmony with all of Life.

reach

 
Old 07-28-2007, 06:55 AM   #15
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Unhappy Re: Well I blew it!!!Now Im back

Hi Harmony, I am new to this board and want to wish you the bestest wishes from OZ for your recovery. I have managed to wean myself off of endone (which I think is our version of vicodin). Had a serious spinal injury and dr's just kept giving it to me until I needed it to feel normal. Good luck with your detox and recovery - you can do it!

You sound like a very strong person and now it seems you are through the worst of the detox. I did it differently by weaning myself down. Now I have to do the same with Valium and Xanax. These two are taking a hold of me and I need to wean off them also. Just trying to find the strength like you to do it.

You have given me inspiration Harmony to start the agonising process of weaning down. I will start tomorrow. Have members of my family that have no clue on how bad things are for me at the moment - and I want it to stay like that. Mine all started with the death of my brother (who I was very close to) in a horrific car accident. Grief and depression and panic attacks lead my DR to prescribe these drugs and now I can't stop taking them, just to feel normal.

THankyou for listening to me, you have definately come a long way and I hope that I can do it too. THis is only my 3rd post on this board and reading your story has really helped me. Thankyou. I will definately start tomorrow morning and will come on here and post and let you all know how I am going. Ta Tessa

 
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