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Old 08-14-2007, 08:47 PM   #1
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HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

my name is Michael, i recently just relapsed after 6 months clean, i had my life back together, went back to college and everyone was proud of me, im almost 21, and was doing well in school, over the summer break i picked back up the evil opiates (heroin and oxy's) and am really struggling now stopping, im back in classes and trying to quit this **** again, it DEF does get harder to quit each and everytime i go back out... and gets worse... i suffer from depression and anxiety.. and have for awhile, one of the main feelings i wanted to escape from.. and also mayb bipolar.. but im not sure about that, i have been diagnosed with that but who really knows... my therapist says we should focus more on the depression part bc he sees that in me more and plus that runs in my whole family on moms side...,
i take trazodone 50mg at night, its an old anti-depressant, but at low dosages it works as a sleep aid.. so really the anti-depressant part isnt working bc of the low dosage im on... and i do not want to go up on that.. i can hardly even wake up in the morning bc it makes me so tired in the morning.. and my eyes are like hardly open when im driving bc i can still feel the effects from it, i seriously feel retarded on it (started 6 months ago)and thats it... for awhile it was doing fine, works great for sleep, but i have a lot of mood swings, but ive always had that.. but i was still depressed sometimes in my recovery and lack of motivation at times...
well now my doctor wants me to go on 10mg of LEXAPRO and just half of trazodone, and eventually taper off of it... i have been on lexapro before, but its been awhileee, so i kinda forget.. i want to get off trazodone, the only thing i like about it is that i sleep easy!, i have a lot of sleep problems, and have forawhile, RACING THOUGHTS / ANXIOUS.. ect. and it makes my stomach hurt and my head feels weird in the morning, its like im ****ed up or something...
im detoxing with SUBOXONE... hoping that it goes well.... it just sucks that i have to go through this all again.. i gotta get clean and continue school at the same time, and work for my car payment.,
after everyone was so proud of me and stuff... i feel worthless!
i am so dissapointed in myself and ashamed at the horrible choice i made again.. i cant believe im back here again... things were so GREAT... now everything sucks and i just wanna die, i cant take this, i cannot get over the fact that i ****ed up again . whats wrong with me? WHY ME GOD?? . i just wanna be HAPPY and normal..
and also... i drink coffie almost everymorning i try.. and i was wondering if anyone ever had an effect from caffiene effecting their depression.. bc its like sometimes ill drink some coffie or iced coffie and ill feel pretty good and happy.. and then its like i crash and i feel even worse! and real depressed and of course tired.. this doesnt happen all the time.. but i have noticed it alot of times effecting my moods/depression..

anyone please give me hope and feedbackk, support. thanks!

 
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Old 08-14-2007, 09:17 PM   #2
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

oh michael, you sound exactly like my 21 yr old son, he was abusing opiates quit school went into a rehab and is now 5 mths clean..he too suffers from anxiety and depression and was self medicating. he hasnt relapsed tho..thank god..he has alot of help from his n.a,friends and his addiction therapist and from us his parents...yoo cant do this on your own michael, you need support, you need help, he takes topamax for his mood swings and trazadone to sleep and zoloft fro depression..i see him suffering thru the day..sometimes hes happy sometimes not..it breaks my heart to see this. how are your folks helping you??

 
Old 08-14-2007, 09:19 PM   #3
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

michael whereaouts do you live?

 
Old 08-15-2007, 07:09 AM   #4
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

Hello Michael,

I am sorry to hear that you have relapsed but that does not mean that there is no HOPE!!!

Michael, I was a methamphetamine user and I had almost 4 years clean and sober. In the begining I went to lots of meetings and had a sponsor and got really involved into 12 step groups.

I too have always suffered from depression and I also had a problem with anger and moodiness.

The problem was that I was clean and sober but I was still miserable. Yes I had come a long way, got a job and better place to live and I had a good thing going on. I was in a relationship with a man that I cared deeply for but we got clean and sober together and grew apart.

I stopped doing all the things I needed to do to stay clean and sober! Eventually about 3 weeks before I was to celebrate 4 years I relapsed.

Why??? Because the desire to drink and use become stronger than that to stay clean and sober.
For about 60 days I relapsed!!! That was enough for me. I went to my employer and I told them the problems and got to treatment.

In a few weeks I will have 3 years clean and sober. When I went back to work a few days out of treatment I injured my arm at work and I have been on Work Comp ever since.

Michael I am telling all this because I want you to see that there is hope.

In 3 years I have had 6 surgeries, 4 on my arm and 2 for other reassons.

In this time I have also completed 5 semesters of college.

I also had to detox from pain meds over the summer. Although I did not abuse the pain meds I still had to detox from them when they were no longer needed.
I did this over a summer semester and I ended up dropping the class.

Michael....you can do this thing. You can get back to where you were!!! Yes, it is tough, but you can do it if you are willing to do the work.
Maybe at this time you might want to consider taking a semester off from school to get clean and sober! Or a group counceling session may help as well.
I know many people on this board that are taking suboxone and they are having great results with it. I hope that this will be the same for you.

Please do not beat yourself over the relapse....there is no reason why you need to do that. Every time we beat ourselves up over something it is like re-living it all over again.
I am sure that your family and friends still love and care about you dearly. I hope that you stick around this board and share with us here.
Everyone here has been so good in supporting me and eachother.
Hang in there......Chrissy

 
Old 08-15-2007, 01:26 PM   #5
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

mike answer us when you can ...im worried..

 
Old 08-15-2007, 03:52 PM   #6
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

coffee is a good stimulant, it increases energy - good motivator. However, i kinda relate to your problem, with me it's alcohol and I've recently let myself go to. I suffer from anxiety depression as well, the thing with that, is that you have to keep trying things until you find something that works. Trial and error pretty much. Just don't take the heroin!

Hope this helps.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 02:03 AM   #7
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

hey michael,
how are you today. i just wanted to tell you that there is hope. it may not feel like this.... but there is.
please do not give up on yourself. you are worth holding on.
when i was in your situation a medication called trimipramin helped me very much. i do not know if that drug is avaiable in your country... but please ask your doctor. other names for trimipramin are surmontil and stangyl. if there is no trimipramin ask for doxepin, also called sinquan or aponal.

oh, and by the way. that may sound silly, but please do stop drinking coffee. it makes everything worse. i used to drink VERY much coffee. i first felt euphoric... but after a few hours on just feels empty and depressed. it may sound odd, but coffee gave me a lot of suicidal thoughts. for a long time i did not realize it was the coffee... and when i finally did nobody believed me. they said "it is only coffee"... but i think coffee is different for some addicts then for other people. i do not know why it is like that, but is deffinetly is.

i have not totally quit drinking cofee yet, but i have told myself "never drink more than one cup per day". when i am tired i try to wake me up with jogging. please try it, it really helps.

when you are jogging the first 30 minutes are hard, but after that it will be great. you will just have to wait to this point. first 30 minutes: ... but after that .

please write back to us, because we are worried about you.
may be you do not feel like writing much now. you do not have to.

just give us a line, to tell us you are okay, will you?

i am sorry for my baaaaaaaaad english. it is not my native language.

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:24 AM   #8
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

hey, thanks for the replies everyone, it means a lot, i live in maryland.. and i am on 2nd day of detox, i am involved in NA and have a sponser and homegroup... i have for awhile... it just sucks having to do this all over again, espessialy when i got school everyday of the week! and i have no money... everything was good until i decided to pick up that first drink... i thought i would be fine, but then a few months later i ended up back on the opiates , bc i lost my program and became miserable again and said screw it... one day at a time, ill have to start over

 
Old 08-16-2007, 07:42 AM   #9
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

Bshea,

Good Morning!!!

It is nice to see you are still with us.

So you have already started back to school? I will start again on the 27th.

How long did you relapse for? o to the doctor and explain your situation there is meds they can give to help with some of the WD symptoms. I know that to see the doc will cost money, but maybe your family will help.

It is good to hear that you are involved in NA. Are you working steps with your sponsor?? I am actually going to my sponsors house this morning to do step work.

Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing!!! And remember not to beat yourself up over this thing....replace that thought with a positive one such as, I am clean and sober today!!!!

Chrissy

 
Old 08-16-2007, 08:45 AM   #10
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Re: HEROIN RELAPSE after 6 months clean, hopeless again (21/Male

mike ONE DAY AT A TIME..

 
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