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Old 08-25-2007, 11:58 PM   #1
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MerelyMe HB User
Exclamation I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

For all you up tonight, fighting for tomorrow....

I have lingered here on this board, for almost 3 years now, finding it like most of you did, with a ****** search for help, for a sliver of salvation, at that point, for just about anything....

My personal addiction is a familiar story, what was to be a routine surgery, gone wrong, with a recovery that lasted almost a year, during which time, my Doctor, who was very caring and genuinely concerned, never hesitated to give me anything I asked for, to alleviate my horrendous pain.
I slowly healed, but long before, I knew in my heart even if I could never quite get my mind wrapped around, the fact that I had long ago stopped taking my meds for pain alone, like so many I had one day stumbled upon the fact that I had boundless energy and life just seemed "better" somehow. All it took, was forgetting I had taken a morning dose and taking another an hour later, for me to begin my decent into this nightmare.

For me it was worse, on some levels, I had been in a 13 year relationship with an addict, first alcohol, then meth and finally prescription meds ( him not me)...while this knowledge should have PREVENTED me from stepping off into the abyss, instead, lets just say I had seen and heard it all, when it came to getting what you wanted from your Doctor.....sadly enough, I was an expert at being an addict, before I ever became one.

As I mentioned before, for nearly a year, I had anything I asked for, but with my unfortunate knowledge, I was actually able to keep my sick and twisted "Game" going for nearly another year, during this time, I literally became my own nightmare, I had literally run away from that 13 yr relationship, and it wasn't just me, I have kids too, most old enough to remember the nightmare of their fathers addiction, so it wasn't long before I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing everything I had fought so hard to escape, but even then, I had a drawer full of little brown bottles, that could literally make ANYTHING go away....

So, on and on the battle raged, I hid my addiction, I hid my shame, I hid my pain, both emotional and physical, my entire world became "timed", we all know the drill, got to go to back to school night on Tuesday, so you start counting your pills on Sunday, to make sure you have enough to be your super mom, effervescent self, Monday comes and the dog gets mud on the new carpet, you have flat at the grocery store and you just bought milk, which is now going to sour...you know??, the NORMAL everyday stresses of life, but not for you, because now, you've had a "bad day" which requires that extra dose to alleviate the stress and keep you "PEPPY", so now you have to recount the pills..."well I was going to take 4 every 4 hours, but now well lets see, I can take 3 now and 3 all day tomorrow and still have x amount to get me through"...
MY GOD, we should all be CEO's somewhere, because we have got to be the most efficient micro managers on the planet!!!!!

Like so many of you, I knew not only that it was eventually going to come to an end, but more so, that it HAD to end, I did know myself, well enough, to know that I would at least attempt to stop before I got to the point of Dr shopping or stealing, as I mentioned, I had been on the other side of this same addiction, so I knew first hand, just how far it could go if I let it, I did manage to keep enough of "ME", to never allow myself to be put on what I referred to as "the strong stuff" Oxycontin( the ex's DOC) or morphine, in fact morphine had always and still does, make me horridly sick, so I did the typical and made a deal with myself, if it ever progressed to that point, I would MAKE it stop...thankfully, I was blessed and fortunate to never have to "test" that promise.

We all get to the point, where we know, where we become almost as desperate for a way off the drugs, as we are desperate to find the drugs, I was long past knowing I had a serious addiction, well past the point where I had begun the "Talks" with myself, about knowing I had to find a way to get off this nightmare roller coaster, when "IT" happened.

My daughter was 14, one day she tripped in a hole in the yard and tore a ligament in her knee, we did the trip to the ER, they sent us to the ortho, the usual routine.....Now I am sure, some of you reading are thinking..."and she filled the kids script and took all her pills"...honestly and strangely enough, it seriously never crossed my mind, my baby was in agony first and foremost, and those with kids, know what THAT does to a mom, and honestly my pills were much stronger, so it never really occurred to me....
So, her knee healed and life went on and like happens to all of us, I got the flu bug...no big deal....until my 14 year old walked into my room on my second day in bed, sick as a dog and said to me..."Cody has a play tonight at school, I saved these in case you got sick like Dad used to, so here take them so you can go and watch him"

Can we say BLIND SIDED?...floored, flabbergasted, blown away, mortified, mystified, called out, caught, embarrassed, disgusted....the list is as endless as the emotions I felt in that split second...of course I quickly slipped into...."BUT I had been so careful", my mind raced, to discover HOW she could have known????....then it quietly and slowly occurred to me...how could she NOT...she had lived nearly her whole life with this.

GIVE ME A BREAK....who but an addict, has more than perhaps a few prescription medicine bottles in their house....someone needs to do a serious study, on why us addicts seem so reluctant to get rid of our medicine bottles!!!!
She was 14 and watching me take medication every 4 hours, when I had no medical condition which required that I take medication DAILY and if THAT wasn't enough...she'd seen the mood changes, the sudden energy, that simply "wore off" every 4 hours....

You all think coming clean to your Dr is tough?...try coming clean to your KIDS, who have already LOST a parent to addiction, to listen to them tell you how scared they have been, of losing you too...

So???...did I quit after THAT...I did honestly try, of course I had no clue, like a lot of you, just how BAD I was hooked...I lasted about 4 days the first time, maybe a week the second....when I failed the second time and my youngest son crawled up in my bed and comforted ME, telling me it was OK, he loved me...
THAT, my friends, was when I hit MY bottom, I was waiting in the parking lot at 7am at my Dr's office, the next morning, when he got to his office, right there in the parking lot, I told him everything, all the lies, all the schemes, everything...I was fortunate to have a Saint for a Dr, he weaned me as slow as I needed to go, he brought my meds to my house each morning, he took my calls even when he was with patients, he held my hand all the way... and it was a LONG trip, a painful trip, but even the worst trip, has a final destination.

I was "clean" 2 years on May 18th...unfortunately due to another medical condition, I ironically am now seeing a pain management Dr ( go figure) and I DO take Tramadol, which I know some have had MAJOR issues with on this board, but I also, by choice, get my meds weekly instead of monthly and have never ever gone beyond the dose prescribed, most days I don't even take what he did prescribe...I know my pain is now life long for me, but I have learned that I have physical limits and as long as I keep MY end of the bargain, my body, so far has kept it's end.

For those of you fighting with everything you've got...find the ONE thing, and for each of you, it will be different, that you need to be accountable for...a single thing, worth fighting for...your kids, your husband/wife, your business, your new house, your parakeet ANYTHING, because trust ME, you will NEVER EVER EVER, do it for YOU...your body is YOU, the one enemy, your going to fight, the thing that is going to do ANYTHING to get those drugs back in your system, find something stronger than yourself, because bottom line...YOURSELF IS A DRUG ADDICT....you, your body, your mind, your own soul will HATE you, will fight you, will smile with GLEE, each time you fail and give yourself what it screams for...
The human mind is an amazing thing, it can create and heal and move mountains and convince you that you NEED one more pill, one more dose, just one more, one wont hurt....

2 years later...I still stare at the pharmacy each time I drive by and crave the high, the energy, the feeling that the world is just a better place, I still see someone with a cast and think..."man are they LUCKY" ( how s8ick is THAT?), I still have bad days, where the pain is especially bad and think...I DESERVE those pills, I have a MEDICAL CONDITION....
And when I do...I search out one of my kids and I TELL THEM....you all have asked for advice.."HOW do I do this"....I find my kids, MY REASON and I tell them..."it hurts and I want the medicine, I want it to stop, I passed by the pharmacy and I could FEEL the high and I wanted it so bad"...and they listen and they smile and they hug me and tell me how much they LOVE me and before I know it, were talking about their day and all those feelings are gone again, for a little while and I'M OK...

Some days LIFE SUCKS, but didn't it always at times?...we have all made it from birth, to where we are now, we have all dealt with the day to day ********, some worse, some better, but bottom line WE DEALT, before the drugs WE DEALT, we found whatever it took...

Don't let YOU..your mind, tell you, that you cannot do this, that without your DOC, you can't cope, you'll never have energy, you'll never be without pain....
YOUR MIND, got you into this...so let it get you out...

Sorry for this being so long....thanks for listening...

Still.....
Me

 
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Old 08-26-2007, 08:25 AM   #2
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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reachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB Userreachout HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

Hello Me

An important story and so eloquently told. The words were so obviously right from the heart. While circumstances and all may differ, your bottom line is the same for each of us. We can get off the pills, we can deal with life. Every single story here in black and white can have the same conclusion no matter how different the plot.

Thank you for your story. I know your words are going to instill a bit more hope, a bit more inspiration, into the hearts of those still struggling. For me, while I may not be struggling as hard any more, it has instilled in me a bit more resolve to stay the course here.

Thanking you sincerely
reach

 
Old 08-27-2007, 07:18 AM   #3
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 1,362
skych HB Userskych HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

Thanks Me,

Wow what a story and like Reach said what an inspiration to those who will read it.

It is stories like yours that give me hope. I think that is what your message was about...HOPE.

We can do this get off pills, alcohol, speed cocaine whatever the drug of choice may be, it can be done.

I like that you said to find something bigger than yourself. For many many years street drugs were my Higher Power. I had no choice I really barely existed. I hated life and everything in it. I could not see the beauty and opportunities of the world. I was imprisioned with in myself and my addiction just like you.

I had almost 4 years without drugs and alcohol and lost that power because I did not continue to pursue it. I enevitably relapsed for about 60 days. I almost died out there and it scared me. I got help and I am coming up on a 3 year birthday.

See we can do it. If you can and I can and some others in here can, that is huge amounts of HOPE to share with others.

Thanks for sharing you story. I enjoyed your post and I hope that you will continue to share with us in here.
Thanks again...Chrissy

 
Old 08-27-2007, 01:27 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Ma USA
Posts: 640
hopetofeelwell1 HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

Hi MerelyMe! I absolutely loved your post and my heart goes out to you, especially about the kids (being a mom, too) and being romantically involved with an addict. I was in that position in and after high school. I thought I was June Carter to Johnny Cash. I was pretty much sober, although at 18 started smoking cigarettes and when I turned 18 in 1974, the legal drinking age was reduced to 18 and would probably have a "Sloe Gin Fizz" once in a while. It wasn't until after turning 20 that things went awry and depression and trauma abounded but really started drinking at the age of 25 for definite self-medication. I didn't just drink because of depression-- I would get totally obliterated! You think it will never happen to you, but it does and it really does stink. When you have a legitimate medical condition or surgeries are involved, you try to be as judicious as you can be where meds are concerned and I know myself will try to do anything but take that med once sobriety is now part of your life. I myself had surgery last Monday for gall bladder and have had pain issues. The surgeon prescribed good old Vicodin which I've had to take a few of them and still have some left in the bottle. If you've read any of my posts this week, I'm an absolute wreck over this and the surgeon told me today that I should not still be taking them. I've got news for you--he didn't live in my body over the past few days, but needless to say, I'm not going to have it on my conscience that I might have him look at me funny, so I won't take any more. God bless your kids--they were sent to you for a reason--and if you have a chronic illness and you need the med, by all means take it. I myself have fibromyalgia and wonder if that is what I need to do after seeing the rheumatologist. There can be such tough choices sometimes, but you have to do what you have to do. God bless you and keep your chin up--we're all routing for you!! Take care--Hopeto--

 
Old 08-27-2007, 04:41 PM   #5
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Posts: 1,570
IZZY'SMOM HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

wow....all I can say is wow...
Im a mom, and Im glad you shared your story. PLEASE keep posting and welcome to the board. God Bless you and your sweet family~
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

 
Old 08-28-2007, 03:33 PM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: phenix city al.United states
Posts: 21
meemee2 HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MerelyMe View Post
For all you up tonight, fighting for tomorrow....

I have lingered here on this board, for almost 3 years now, finding it like most of you did, with a ****** search for help, for a sliver of salvation, at that point, for just about anything....

My personal addiction is a familiar story, what was to be a routine surgery, gone wrong, with a recovery that lasted almost a year, during which time, my Doctor, who was very caring and genuinely concerned, never hesitated to give me anything I asked for, to alleviate my horrendous pain.
I slowly healed, but long before, I knew in my heart even if I could never quite get my mind wrapped around, the fact that I had long ago stopped taking my meds for pain alone, like so many I had one day stumbled upon the fact that I had boundless energy and life just seemed "better" somehow. All it took, was forgetting I had taken a morning dose and taking another an hour later, for me to begin my decent into this nightmare.

For me it was worse, on some levels, I had been in a 13 year relationship with an addict, first alcohol, then meth and finally prescription meds ( him not me)...while this knowledge should have PREVENTED me from stepping off into the abyss, instead, lets just say I had seen and heard it all, when it came to getting what you wanted from your Doctor.....sadly enough, I was an expert at being an addict, before I ever became one.

As I mentioned before, for nearly a year, I had anything I asked for, but with my unfortunate knowledge, I was actually able to keep my sick and twisted "Game" going for nearly another year, during this time, I literally became my own nightmare, I had literally run away from that 13 yr relationship, and it wasn't just me, I have kids too, most old enough to remember the nightmare of their fathers addiction, so it wasn't long before I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing everything I had fought so hard to escape, but even then, I had a drawer full of little brown bottles, that could literally make ANYTHING go away....

So, on and on the battle raged, I hid my addiction, I hid my shame, I hid my pain, both emotional and physical, my entire world became "timed", we all know the drill, got to go to back to school night on Tuesday, so you start counting your pills on Sunday, to make sure you have enough to be your super mom, effervescent self, Monday comes and the dog gets mud on the new carpet, you have flat at the grocery store and you just bought milk, which is now going to sour...you know??, the NORMAL everyday stresses of life, but not for you, because now, you've had a "bad day" which requires that extra dose to alleviate the stress and keep you "PEPPY", so now you have to recount the pills..."well I was going to take 4 every 4 hours, but now well lets see, I can take 3 now and 3 all day tomorrow and still have x amount to get me through"...
MY GOD, we should all be CEO's somewhere, because we have got to be the most efficient micro managers on the planet!!!!!

Like so many of you, I knew not only that it was eventually going to come to an end, but more so, that it HAD to end, I did know myself, well enough, to know that I would at least attempt to stop before I got to the point of Dr shopping or stealing, as I mentioned, I had been on the other side of this same addiction, so I knew first hand, just how far it could go if I let it, I did manage to keep enough of "ME", to never allow myself to be put on what I referred to as "the strong stuff" Oxycontin( the ex's DOC) or morphine, in fact morphine had always and still does, make me horridly sick, so I did the typical and made a deal with myself, if it ever progressed to that point, I would MAKE it stop...thankfully, I was blessed and fortunate to never have to "test" that promise.

We all get to the point, where we know, where we become almost as desperate for a way off the drugs, as we are desperate to find the drugs, I was long past knowing I had a serious addiction, well past the point where I had begun the "Talks" with myself, about knowing I had to find a way to get off this nightmare roller coaster, when "IT" happened.

My daughter was 14, one day she tripped in a hole in the yard and tore a ligament in her knee, we did the trip to the ER, they sent us to the ortho, the usual routine.....Now I am sure, some of you reading are thinking..."and she filled the kids script and took all her pills"...honestly and strangely enough, it seriously never crossed my mind, my baby was in agony first and foremost, and those with kids, know what THAT does to a mom, and honestly my pills were much stronger, so it never really occurred to me....
So, her knee healed and life went on and like happens to all of us, I got the flu bug...no big deal....until my 14 year old walked into my room on my second day in bed, sick as a dog and said to me..."Cody has a play tonight at school, I saved these in case you got sick like Dad used to, so here take them so you can go and watch him"

Can we say BLIND SIDED?...floored, flabbergasted, blown away, mortified, mystified, called out, caught, embarrassed, disgusted....the list is as endless as the emotions I felt in that split second...of course I quickly slipped into...."BUT I had been so careful", my mind raced, to discover HOW she could have known????....then it quietly and slowly occurred to me...how could she NOT...she had lived nearly her whole life with this.

GIVE ME A BREAK....who but an addict, has more than perhaps a few prescription medicine bottles in their house....someone needs to do a serious study, on why us addicts seem so reluctant to get rid of our medicine bottles!!!!
She was 14 and watching me take medication every 4 hours, when I had no medical condition which required that I take medication DAILY and if THAT wasn't enough...she'd seen the mood changes, the sudden energy, that simply "wore off" every 4 hours....

You all think coming clean to your Dr is tough?...try coming clean to your KIDS, who have already LOST a parent to addiction, to listen to them tell you how scared they have been, of losing you too...

So???...did I quit after THAT...I did honestly try, of course I had no clue, like a lot of you, just how BAD I was hooked...I lasted about 4 days the first time, maybe a week the second....when I failed the second time and my youngest son crawled up in my bed and comforted ME, telling me it was OK, he loved me...
THAT, my friends, was when I hit MY bottom, I was waiting in the parking lot at 7am at my Dr's office, the next morning, when he got to his office, right there in the parking lot, I told him everything, all the lies, all the schemes, everything...I was fortunate to have a Saint for a Dr, he weaned me as slow as I needed to go, he brought my meds to my house each morning, he took my calls even when he was with patients, he held my hand all the way... and it was a LONG trip, a painful trip, but even the worst trip, has a final destination.

I was "clean" 2 years on May 18th...unfortunately due to another medical condition, I ironically am now seeing a pain management Dr ( go figure) and I DO take Tramadol, which I know some have had MAJOR issues with on this board, but I also, by choice, get my meds weekly instead of monthly and have never ever gone beyond the dose prescribed, most days I don't even take what he did prescribe...I know my pain is now life long for me, but I have learned that I have physical limits and as long as I keep MY end of the bargain, my body, so far has kept it's end.

For those of you fighting with everything you've got...find the ONE thing, and for each of you, it will be different, that you need to be accountable for...a single thing, worth fighting for...your kids, your husband/wife, your business, your new house, your parakeet ANYTHING, because trust ME, you will NEVER EVER EVER, do it for YOU...your body is YOU, the one enemy, your going to fight, the thing that is going to do ANYTHING to get those drugs back in your system, find something stronger than yourself, because bottom line...YOURSELF IS A DRUG ADDICT....you, your body, your mind, your own soul will HATE you, will fight you, will smile with GLEE, each time you fail and give yourself what it screams for...
The human mind is an amazing thing, it can create and heal and move mountains and convince you that you NEED one more pill, one more dose, just one more, one wont hurt....

2 years later...I still stare at the pharmacy each time I drive by and crave the high, the energy, the feeling that the world is just a better place, I still see someone with a cast and think..."man are they LUCKY" ( how s8ick is THAT?), I still have bad days, where the pain is especially bad and think...I DESERVE those pills, I have a MEDICAL CONDITION....
And when I do...I search out one of my kids and I TELL THEM....you all have asked for advice.."HOW do I do this"....I find my kids, MY REASON and I tell them..."it hurts and I want the medicine, I want it to stop, I passed by the pharmacy and I could FEEL the high and I wanted it so bad"...and they listen and they smile and they hug me and tell me how much they LOVE me and before I know it, were talking about their day and all those feelings are gone again, for a little while and I'M OK...

Some days LIFE SUCKS, but didn't it always at times?...we have all made it from birth, to where we are now, we have all dealt with the day to day ********, some worse, some better, but bottom line WE DEALT, before the drugs WE DEALT, we found whatever it took...

Don't let YOU..your mind, tell you, that you cannot do this, that without your DOC, you can't cope, you'll never have energy, you'll never be without pain....
YOUR MIND, got you into this...so let it get you out...

Sorry for this being so long....thanks for listening...

Still.....
Me

 
Old 08-28-2007, 03:36 PM   #7
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: phenix city al.United states
Posts: 21
meemee2 HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

You go girl!!!! You are an inspiration to us all !!!!Your on our mind and in our prayers!!!

 
Old 08-29-2007, 10:43 AM   #8
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 2,093
merrillin HB User
Re: I am Merely me...My story ( A long one)

Me.

I want you to know what an absolute inspiration you are to all of us.

I have printed out your story and am hanging on my dresser mirror so I will see it every morning while getting dressed and will see it every night before bed. Thank you for sharing.

These sharing opportunities are so wonderful for all of us. Everyone needs to keep in mind that no matter how similar your story may sound to others posted, please post it because it may have the one detail in it that one of us is looking for and we need these stories to keep us going, to give us hope and most importantly to remind us we are NOT alone!

I've got much more to say but hubby is in bed with a terrible stomach bug so I must go take care of him. ( ick!) haha'

be back later..........

Love and blessings to all,
Karen

 
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