here is a thread for people to tell there success stories. please if there is anybody out there who returned to a happy life let me (and others) know. that will cheer people up a lot.
Okay - I still suffer from depression, so I am not a perfect success story, but it's pretty good:
By the time I was 23, I had flunked out of a very easy state university because I was continuously too drunk, stoned or hungover to attend classes. I was a daily drinker at 26. I was divorced behind drinking at 27. Also while I was 27, the negative health aspects started: I would get kidney infections so bad I'd pee red, and I'd not sleep for 3-5 days at a time. I got my DUI. When I was 28, the really nasty stuff started to happen. I found myself unable to work (I had previously lost jobs). My tolerance, superhuman up to that point, started to rapidly decline. My doctor told me if I kept drinking I'd be dead in six months.
Also at 28 I had recently moved to the sticks to get away from bars. In spite of this, I continued to drink beer just to fend off DTs. Then, on February 28 2001, there was an earthquake. Really - an honest to God earthquake. Like any alcoholic, I used the earthquake as a reason to walk 2 miles to the nearest bar, just so I could have someone to tell my great story to. My great story was, "I was sitting there. The house shook. It stopped." Still, I went. I had $600 in the bank - which I had borrowed from my enabling mother to cover $500 rent and some groceries. I told myself, "I'll have one beer, a burger, and that's it." So, I ordered my beer and burger, and started talking to the only other guy in the bar at whatever hour it was in the middle of the day when everyone else was working. He bought me a whiskey. I bought him one, just to be polite. That's the last thing I clearly remember from that day. There are vague recollections of a couple of other bars, and some cab-rides.
I woke up the next morning, knowing that I'd drunk way too much. I also knew it was the first, and I didn't have the rent. A quick check determined I had $24 of $600. I am guessing I bought more than a few rounds. I then prayed for the first time in my adult life. There were no words to the prayer - just the hope that I would be able to stop doing this to myself. I then went through a few days of pure hell. Shaking and hallucinating, I went through the DTs alone (a very unwise idea).
Once out on the other side, things started to look up. After an initial "pink cloud" period, I fell into a depression. Once I treated that, I went back to school, and moved into a clean and sober house. (Oxford House). After a couple of quarters of perfect grades, I managed to get accepted to an Ivy League school. Now, at 6 years, I make a good living at a job I like, have all the material things I really want, and am generally pretty happy - when I treat my depression.
The key for me has been living honestly. When something is wrong, I admit it to myself. When I do something wrong, I apologize, make amends and don't do it again. So long as I maintain my my spiritual condition, which is exemplified by an unwillingness to lie to myself, I don't have to take another drink - ever. Things aren't perfect for me today, but I haven't had a single moment that approached the desperation I felt on the morning of March 1 2001.
__________________
"In Jersey anything's legal as long as you don't get caught" Boo Wilbury
I've only lurked here, but feel a kinship to this board. If my story can help even one person, it's well worth the time typing it out.
I was/am addicted to opiates and xanax. Unfortunately, I had basically never-ending access to them, so it got to a pretty bad point. I have done so many things that I will always be ashamed of, I still can't believe it at times. The use lasted for about 8 years and by that point, it was nothing to take 100 mg of oxycontin along with 10 percocets at one sitting.
My breaking point? Driving down the road one day I saw a huge boulder where the road curved. I had an actual vision of just ramming my car into it. I almost was excited about that thought. Then my "rational" mind (what little left there was) took over and made me realize how absolutely insane I had become.
I went cold turkey on my own and was never so sick in my life. Looking back though, I can see that was much easier to go through then the mental hell that followed. The constant fight with the opiate demons seemed insurmountable. BUT, I just took it day by day. I tried a few NA meetings, but they really weren't for me. Once the physical symptoms disappeared, I used the memory of physical withdrawl and cold turkey experience as the deterrent. I NEVER EVER EVER wanted to go through that again. I remembered every chill and sweat and vomit and diarrhea and tears - something I never wanted to go through again.
Every addiction is hard, but I think what makes an addiction to opiates even harder is the fact that you're still expected to take them but take them "right". For example, I've had 2 surgeries since I've "quit", and had to take them but take them like a normal person. That's tough so it's always a constant struggle. However, it can be done and I think I'm proof of that. I've had a child since then, a loving husband, a good job, am able to read lots of books, enjoy movies, and most importantly....... laugh. I don't remember laughing much during those 8 years. Also, I enjoy sunsets and sunrises and beautiful pictures. All the little things that make life worth living.
To anyone reading this and struggling, please hang in there. It's awful right now, but it WILL be better. I promise.
thank you both for sharing your stories.
mario, you are at an ivy league school? way cool!!! waht is it like?
where i am from most colleges are runned by the state. meaning that they are all pretty much the same. i wish we had an university tradition like you do.
(we have some private colleges, but they are more expensive and not as good as thev state colleges. so mostly people who have been turned down by the state colleges go there).
smokefree, you have a kid and a family? that is so cool and it is all i wish for too. i just want to be with a wife and may be have kids and enjoy this little moments in life like sunsets.
i do not ask for money or fame or anything like that. just want to laugh again and enjooy these little moments.
I have never blogged, chatted or really anything else for that matter but I wanted to let you know that I have been doing research on the web for HOPE and I couldn't find any until right now. I am going through withdrawls from ultram right now and at first all I could see is why it would be alot easier going "backwords" instead of forward however something in this post has given me some strength to say the withdrawals will pass and the rest of my life will hopefully not. Thank you, there is HOPE
Last edited by rockymtngirl; 09-03-2007 at 06:21 PM.
Reason: misspelling
I just found this site by accident-actually I was looking up resources for one of my clients. I am a mental health therapist-masters level....and have been hiding an addiction to opiates for far TOO long. You would think I obviously would know better but it has gotten the best of me and it is so hard to come back. The only drug I use (and I say this not to diminish my use but to show how my focus as been directed completly on getting this one particular prescription) is Tussionex ( a cough suryp with vicodin in it-not even the vicodin pills are enough...they give me a headache). this is a timed release-although I dont believe that the hydrocodone is timed released-just the other ingrediants (as I am unaware of a timed release hydrocodone pill)....anyway i had 8 months clean in 2005 and then about 5 months in 2006-but then at the end of March of this year I began using again-and it has been continuous with only a couple of days in between when I TRY withdrawl but as soon as I am uncomfortable I use. When I had gotten 8 months sober I had been using for 3 yrs prior-and then i would use any kind of vicodin or codeine (syrup or pill)...and now it is just that one medication that I seem to preseverate on. Whatever the case I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am ready to quit and I thought maybe writing on here might help. I dont do meetings very well due to seeing patients and it is uncomfortable for both of us....unless I go out of town. More than anything I just need a place to vent and to maybe get some responses. The most I have used is 1.7 ounces in a day. The 8oz bottle should last 24 dyas and it last me about 5. It seems like sooo much to me but I have read on here that people have taken 4 ounces a day-I cant tolerate more than what I currently take. Anyway I am heading towards withdrawls again and wanted to get something posted before I am in that really bad place. It is almost worse to detox the second time becasue you KNOW what is coming. I am Rx'd xanax for major anxiety and rarely have to take it (it does nothing for me unless i am in a panic then it will calm me down...but definatly not a drug of choice)....I know from my work that I should just take the xanax as rx'd (3x's a day and that it will cut down on the withdrawls but I also know there will be something left. I also understand I need to go through it to remember why i dont want to use. However it is starting to effect my relationship of 7yrs (he has no idea I am using again or he would leave) as well as our finances and my moods/overall self esteem..this stuff is crazy and they shouldnt rx it for any reason.
Hopefully i wil hear something back from anyone!
Absolutely! While addiction is a life long battle, there is hope. I have been clean since 10/24/06. It is easier staying clean then it is getting clean. I think back to the stupid things I did and the terrible way I felt mentally and physically, that serves as my reminder to keep moving forward. I go to outpatient treatment to keep myself in touch w/ the recovery process.
I addressed my mental health issues, which untreated leaves me with no ability to deal with the addiction.
I just found this site by accident-actually I was looking up resources for one of my clients. I am a mental health therapist-masters level....and have been hiding an addiction to opiates for far TOO long. You would think I obviously would know better but it has gotten the best of me and it is so hard to come back. The only drug I use (and I say this not to diminish my use but to show how my focus as been directed completly on getting this one particular prescription) is Tussionex ( a cough suryp with vicodin in it-not even the vicodin pills are enough...they give me a headache). this is a timed release-although I dont believe that the hydrocodone is timed released-just the other ingrediants (as I am unaware of a timed release hydrocodone pill)....anyway i had 8 months clean in 2005 and then about 5 months in 2006-but then at the end of March of this year I began using again-and it has been continuous with only a couple of days in between when I TRY withdrawl but as soon as I am uncomfortable I use. When I had gotten 8 months sober I had been using for 3 yrs prior-and then i would use any kind of vicodin or codeine (syrup or pill)...and now it is just that one medication that I seem to preseverate on. Whatever the case I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am ready to quit and I thought maybe writing on here might help. I dont do meetings very well due to seeing patients and it is uncomfortable for both of us....unless I go out of town. More than anything I just need a place to vent and to maybe get some responses. The most I have used is 1.7 ounces in a day. The 8oz bottle should last 24 dyas and it last me about 5. It seems like sooo much to me but I have read on here that people have taken 4 ounces a day-I cant tolerate more than what I currently take. Anyway I am heading towards withdrawls again and wanted to get something posted before I am in that really bad place. It is almost worse to detox the second time becasue you KNOW what is coming. I am Rx'd xanax for major anxiety and rarely have to take it (it does nothing for me unless i am in a panic then it will calm me down...but definatly not a drug of choice)....I know from my work that I should just take the xanax as rx'd (3x's a day and that it will cut down on the withdrawls but I also know there will be something left. I also understand I need to go through it to remember why i dont want to use. However it is starting to effect my relationship of 7yrs (he has no idea I am using again or he would leave) as well as our finances and my moods/overall self esteem..this stuff is crazy and they shouldnt rx it for any reason.
Hopefully i wil hear something back from anyone!
Hey,
I think this place is a great place for you to be. Please keep on posting and please open a new thread, so that more people will be able to read your problems, because it may be overlooked here.
I am depressed and tired today, so i do not know what else to write, but please keep on posting.
I was stunned that people actually wrote back...I guess there really is hope..and for the person who wrote their life is going downhill right now and they have nothing good to write about....it is moutains and valleys...seriously-as cliche as it sounds it is true..just as "one day at a time"-(NEVER thought I would be saying that to myself seriously-that is what I say to my patients!!)...anyway Im not saying it yet. I fell again and used...I honestly didnt know I had responses on here and it is making me be excited about not using...I hope this continues. I dont understand how to use the "threads" though...so that others can read or respond...like I said-I seriously just stumbled on this site and thought "what the heck"...now I am really glad I did. Thanks to all of you who responded or anyone who even just sent a positive thought my way. I am planning on detox this weekend and my plan is to SERIOUSLY **** it so that I dont forget it and so that I feel like I am surrounded by people who understand....I cant believe I got a response from someone in Germany-puts it in perspective how big this world is and yet how easy it is really for us to all help each other out. Thanks again and seriously this has made a bad night into a better evening...
I have to admit that I am getting nervous...it is the first time since I found this site that I am going to attempt to get clean (while actually using this site as a resource and sounding board). It is sooo funny how easy it seems when I am thinking about it and have a full supply (it always seems so far away)-but in reality I know that it is here and it is time to deal with it. I have an event for a congressperson on Monday which gives me Fri-Sun (or Mon at 330pm) to get to a place where I am not REALLY sick....the only thing I have going for me is that I went through 60 hours of withdrawl last weekend before I went and got it again (and by "it" I mean the Tussionex-cough syrup that I am addicted to)---and the reason I got it-because I could. That is so childish but I was done with the worst of the physical w/draws-it was the emotional that broke me down. I have never been as low as i have been in the last couple of weeks. I KNOW this is due to my using..it always makes me feel good for the first couple of months and then I am stuck on stupid and overwhelmed,sad,frustrated and usually in a lot of debt or trouble in terms of deadlines at work. Now that I am in a new position and I make my hours it takes SOME pressure off..I mean I get to see as many clients as I want BUT I still have to show up and that means mentally as well as physically..the IRONIC thing is that I have to have an AOD worker assigned with me (Alcohol and Other Drug worker) because the county feels as though patients will feel more comfortable takling with an AOD counselor than a therapist (afraid we may report child endangerment etc...not realizing that the AOD person has to report anything i do it is just that their conversations are not as protected as mine are due to the privacy acts-so it is exactly the opposite of what they are trying for)..anyway they also feel as though patients what to speak with someone who "knows what it feels like to be THERE"...to be withdrawing...to be watching the clock waiting for the time when you can take your next hit,smoke, dose (you name it)...and I KNOW the AOD worker they assigned to my clients has not been there nor does she "get it"...when I hear her talking I feel like I am looking at a walking text book-she can quote but can she put her skills to work-mmm I havent seen it yet.....meanwhile I am dying to say "I GET IT!!!"..but I can not due to professional boundries, rules and guidelines regarding being a therapist. Sometimes in session i will say to them "trust me when I say I DO know where you are coming from. with everything from being so broke you eat ramen noodles everyday-to drugs...I GET IT"...and they will look at me with recognition for a brief moment and then ultimatly they shake it off and I am sure doubt what they heard. Crazy.
Anyway-I just rambled like a fool....but I LOVE getting this out...and feeling like even if no one replies at least someone may be reading it. I will be taking my last dose tomorrow (not really tapering since I JUST did the whole detox thing and it has only been one bottle since then)..I KNOW the worst will be the emotional and I am trying to be ready. It is likely you will get tired of reading things from me....just skip them if you get irritated because honestly I am going to use this board as a sounding block to get through this....I will try to write tomorrow....and daily (even if just a sentence) as a form of keeping myself in check and keeping myself accountable....so until tomorrow-bye!
Michelle, we are here, we are listening, and we HEAR you...we ALL...GET IT...so vent away Baby, whatever it takes to make it through one more minute...one more hour...one more day...
Thanks "Me"...I really appreciate it. The strangest thing is that in "real life" I am so quiet..and then I get on here and have to FORCE myself to stop typing! Tonight was my last night of using....(the slight taper that I did)...so the real test will be tomorrow. I am prescribed benzo's due to my anxiety and thankfully they do not give me any kind of high-they just bring my anxiety down and assist me in seeing things from a "normal view"...I will be taking them tomorrow (i am supposed to take them daily but i dont as i dont always need them..especially when using i dont want to mix anything)...so I will have that to control the panic and i will have this board to help me vent. I still cant believe I had 40 Vicodin and I gave them up due to having this plan to get clean this weekend and not wanting to put it off anymore....I can not explain how proud that makes me but also how scary it is to me that i was willing/able to do that. (yeah i have regretted it already-but quickly remember that if i can get through this that will be one VERY proud moment!). Tomorrow I have to get through the day but it is supposed to rain so that may be a good excuse to get some sleep (catch up since this stuff makes me act like I am on speed and I never have to sleep)...and then Sunday i will just do the "chores" to get everyone ready for Monday....now Monday is going to be REALLLY crazy because after work I am part of an event that is recognizing a congresswoman in our area-I have to mingle and be aware of politics,social issues BLAH BLAH BLAH and all the while I will feel like I have the flu-BUT since last weekend I had 70 hours clean (I re-did the math and found it was more than I thought)- maybe it wont be so bad. I can hope. Also my mind is in a different place and I just need it not to go anywhere else. I need to stay focused. There are so many things I HAVE to get done and for the last 6 months (this is how long I have been using consecutively this time) I have let things go....I have to take my boards to get licensed...I have until April and then i have to ask for an extension...how embarrassing.....I would rather fail than admit that I waited all that time-(the fail rate is high so I can live with that but to admit that i let 6 years of post grad slip away-especially the last 6 months when i have been on the eligibility list to test-would make me so angry at ME)...and I am my own worst enemy so I dont need anymore ammunition.
Okay so i am signing off and will wake up tomorrow hopefully still feeling positive and for those that are already bored with this journey-log off because I really dont want to get rid of this board!! (I may look for NA meetings outside of my city (there are a couple of semi-big cities around me). I just cant be anywhere that i may see a patient..that boundry would lead to way too much drama....I dont even want to think about it. Maybe that is why this board has been so relieving-because I havent been able to go to a meeting or really hear from others what their stories are....I would love to hear stories-especially those from people who made it through the first 6 months or year and didnt use...(I cant even see being clean for a year and I know it is something I have to start to envision if I am going to get there)....also i am not sure how to use the "threads" so if someone wants to "lead" me to their story please explain how I get there!
Again thank you all..and here is to tomorrow....
Michelle, I just wanted to chime in 'cause I'm in the trenches too.
I've been on the board before and really don't even feel like making a new thread announcing my quitting AGAIN, so I won't. :-) But I'm a stay-at-home mom with two great kids and have been using hydrocodone for about 3 years.....at its worst up to maybe 30 norcos/day. I've lied to absolutely everyone I love, stolen pills, you name it....probably the only thing I haven't done is forgery because I'm too big of a chicken. But my supply went kapoot and I'm tired of it. I'm on day 4 but using Tramadol to ease the w/d's. I know others may criticize that but tram has never done anything for me. It was getting to the point where my kids were getting bright enough that I was having to lie to them about various things....I think they'd probably say that Mommy was always taking medicine...that kinda thing. So pathetic. My daughter has also been going through anxiety issues, paranoid that something is going to happen to me. She told me in tears the other night that she just feels like her time with me is limited. Ugh....right thru the heart. Although I certainly don't believe that she has the ability to foresee the future, it still broke my heart to see her hurt so much over the possibility of losing her mama.... and when I'm destroying my liver with tylenol....what an idiot.
So anyhoo....just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Post again, even if you don't feel like it. :-)
Michele 75,
Oh man, good luck with your plan to stop but if you've never been through WD before you're in for a ride. I just came off Morphine after 17 years and used Suboxone and it was the easiest WD I've ever had. I've WD 31 times in 17 years. 26 times cold turkey which were pure hell and 5 times conventionally with Clonidine and Klonipin and finally this last time with Suboxone. Check it out.
Good Luck
Thank you soooo much to "trying hard mom" and "mlfoley"..I love checking on here..it feels like there is a community that cares. Again i know i should be at NA or something but not really an option in my mind around here...So first I have to admit that for all my GLORIFUL POSITIVE self promises-I failed before I started. Being a therapist I REALLY try to be real when it comes to making excuses for use or rationalizing and I call it as I see it...but yesterday I was reminded that I have the event for the congresswoman tomorrow night...and although I hadnt forgotten I guess hearing it from the event coordinators mouth made me nervous that I was going to be right in the middle of w/drawls and be shaky sweaty etc ..(and that answers your ? mlfoley....YES i have done withdrawls...they WERE AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWFUL..in fact they were so awful that it was the first time I got clean and I stayed clean for 8 months (just like having a baby I gave it enough time to forget about the "pain"...)So I know what to expect although I know since the first time (and those times since)that I had attempted to stop I had been using for long periods of time (Years acutally) without stopping and this time I had 70 hours clean last weekend and that is REALLY GOOD for me right now.....and it has been about 6 months of on/off use this time and the offs were usually enough to get to the w/drawls and then getting it again to not be sick. At the time I started my mom was very ill and I was taking her back and forth to San Francisco for treatment so it was difficult to stay awake and to be there with her-(which the hydrocodone in any forms acts like speed to me)...so it was there to lend my it hand as always and I took it. Just as I did yesterday when I started thinking about that darn event.
Okay so I am using and I will likely be starting the detox/tapering off in the next couple of days. Who knows if I will succeed BUT I have to admit that THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I WAS HONEST about failing so soon..and there was no doubt I would tell the truth because I really appreciate people taking time out of their days to read/respond. Thank you again.
And "tryinghardmom"....-you said some things that really hit home..I will DEFINATLY continue to use this board ..I am new this. I appreciated your story sooo much and there are alot of things that I havent posted (even though I feel comfortable)-some things arent as easy as others. \
Tomorrow is the event...my shoes will be tight so my feet will be hurting and my outfit is cute but NOT comfortable and through it all I will like beat myself about using.....ahhh the joys of being an addict!!!! I will get through this and SOOOO will you! Hope to hear from you all soonl and I will try to check in tomorrow after the event to see if there really was a valid reason to be nervous or if it was totally a rationalization......
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I'm feeling pretty good today......still so very much a 'one day at a time' feeling.....where I can't invision ever being pumped about anything again but trust and hope that it will happen. You just can't remember what normal ever felt like, ya know? But I hear people say that it's not so much trying to get back to the 'old you' as it is coming up with a 'new you'. I think I read something by Dr. Phil (he does have pretty good advice) that when you're trying to break an old habit, you have to start up new behaviors to replace the old.....not just trying not to do the old. Now have I done any of that yet? mm....no. :-) But I'm not taking pills and that's huge. :-)
Well, I've gotta go do some mom stuff....hang in there and I hope your event went well!
Last edited by moderator2; 09-24-2007 at 09:21 AM.
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YES!!! there is hope! 
) but I look forward to reading the replies.
Re: YES!!! there is hope! 
Wow... 
Re: YES!!! there is hope! 
