First I just want to say congrats to all of you out there on the road to recovery, and to those trying to start on that road I say good luck you will need it as it is not going to be easy no matter what. However, if you need help if you need support you can get it here from those of who care and or traveling the same road. I have been an addict since I started abusing narcotic pain killers my senior year of high school in 1998 after a sports related injury. I followed an on again off again pattern of abuse for several years, but eventually as addictions always do things got out of control. These drugs are like quicksand when your on them you keep going down. There is nothing to hold onto, and no one to pull you out (because you keep so many secrets). Then you keep falling and no one can hear you calling (because now you have isolated yourself from everyone in your life), and so what happens? You end up self destructing. For some of those unfortunate souls it ends in total destruction, death. For those of us here we are the lucky ones. The ones, who were lucky enough to realize we were stuck in quicksand, but it was not till we had destroyed almost everything good in our lives, that we realized we were up to our necks in it, and in a last desperate cry we get the help we need to get out before we sink enough to sufficate. My addiction got to that point. I started out sinking slowly I was into above my waist without even realizing it, because it happend so gradually. Then before I even knew what happend I was up to my neck in it my life was about fall apart. I could not even get through the night with having to get up and sniff pills if I did I would wake up and not be able to function until I got something in me. Most night I just stayed up doing the drugs throughout the night, neglecting my family, my friends, my wife even my wife who I loved so much and promised even swore I would take care of and love her over anything and everything even myself. Pills stupid little pills took her place in my heart they became more important than anything and everything including my own life. My finances were a mess. I could not pay my pills. I was selling drugs to support my habit, and instead of getting out of the quicksand was pulling people in with me. I lied, I stole, I cheated, I deceved, and did things I would never ever have done without drugs. My job was starting to fall apart, and I spent most of my time finding hidden places on the job to go and sniff pills. I was up to my chin in the quicksand of addiction. My wife was ready to leave, I could not put on the show at work much longer, the money I did have was just used for drugs, I was almost caught shop lifting, I had pushed my real friends out of my life and replaced them with new ones (drug dealers and drug buyers), I was almost arrested, my family did not know who I was anymore, I was un-faithful to my wife my first who should have been my only, and as I personally am a spiritual person had even turned my back on my Heavenly Father, I had lost everything even my soul. The only thing I had left was my addiction and my physical body, a hollow shell of the man I once was, the man I had planned to become. I was going to be swallowed up by the quicksand of addiction, but with my last breath called out for help. Finally the people, who really love me that really care about me, that never called off their search to find me heard my cry. They came to the rescue. Just like getting out of real quicksand getting out of the quicksand of addiction is going to be hell, it is going to be slow, painful and can't be done alone it can't be done with out a life line. My life lines are numerous. Suboxone, which is one of them, was my oxygen tank it allowed me to breath until I could get my head and chest out of the sand enough to breath on my own. Getting out of quicksand is done at a slow and steady pace, and you can only hold your breath for so long, before you either give up or get oxygen. For me going cold turkey was like going without oxygen, and I tried holding my breath, but after two days of being curled up like a ball in a corner, my nose and eyes dripping like a faucet, freezing cold but in cloths soaked all the way through with my own sweat, shaking like a leaf, aching like having been hit by a truck, sick as dog, and ending up in the shower going to bathroom on myself. I was ready to give up when I got my oxygen tank, my suboxone, which allowed me to breath till I was able to do it on my own. It made getting through the first few days and weeks bareable it made it possible for me to not just throw in the towel, before my other life lines arrived. My family, my real friends, my wife, my meetings, my classes, those people like many of you out there who have been there done that and know what it takes to get free, and last but not least my Heavenly Father, are my other life lines. They are the most important life lines, and they are the life lines that will help pull you to safety. It, however, is up to me and only me, and those of you out there like me, to stay away from the quicksand forever, and not go anywhere near it, to want nothing to do with it, to stay as far away from it as possible. Everything else just helps you to get out of the quicksand of addiction, but should not be relied upon to keep you safe from falling into this quicksand again. Only a true change of heart will keep you safe from falling into the quicksand again. I am still working on my change of heart and even though I have been out of the quicksand for three months does not mean I can't fall back in. Until I am strong enough to stay away from it on my own, until I know I will never take that road again, and, that I can look at it and say I have been there before, and even though it looks safe it's not. I have my life lines to lean on and learn from. I wish you all well in your endeviors to remain drug free, and hope that you are, like me, able to once again find your smile
The Following User Says Thank You to diezel57 For This Useful Post: Bella924 (08-16-2012)
Thank you so much, and I am so glad that my story did something for you and helped you. Being able to share it helped me as I have really been struggling this week, and needed to be reminded of where I have been, and that I never want to end up there again. I also posted it in the hope that it might help someone else like it helped me to share it, and so knowing that I helped even just one person gives me the strength and courage to stay strong and stay clean. If you ever need support I am on here every couple of days so you can just post a reply to the thread. Be strong and stay out of the quick sand.
I've been having a really tough weekend - so I came to read your post again. Last week, when I read this, it really made me think. I remembered back to the very beginning (that first perscription of percocets, for back pain, over two years ago). It didn't take long for me to realize that those pills turned me into "Supermom." I have two little girls, ages 5 and 2 - and I could do "anything" when I took the pills.
I remember being able to clean my whole house - its 3200 sq. ft. - in only a few hours. I normally would do things over the course of a week.
I remember being in such a great mood - taking my kids for ice-cream, going to the boardwalk for hours, jumping around just because...
Well, eventually that mood turned ugly. I'd come down from the pills and be grumpy, irritable, wouldn't clean the house or even fold a load of laundry etc. (I'm sure you know the drill). I'd get headaches, nausea, sometimes even throw up (cause I took WAY more than I should have).
This weekend was tough, but I didn't do it... I was so tempted, had thoughts of buying pills from someone, but I didn't do it...
Thank you for your post - I must've read it about 10 times. I remimded myself of my life, and where I am now. Although it sucks (tapering, wd's, depression etc), its not worth it.
I hope you know how much your post means to me and what it did for me.
I don't want to be part of the quicksand anymore...
Wow, what a powerful post and it helped me tremendously! It is the most direct way of describing addiction I have heard to date. Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out. You never know what kind of impact you may have on someone.
I have started a massive taper myself. I am doing very well on it and had some really hard times this last week. I have gone from 20 pills ( hydro) to 5 and it has been an incredible journey.........I am glad to see you have made such progress!
How are you feeling overall? I am sorry you had a bad weekend and things were tempting. Luckily, I have not felt the "temptation" yet, which did surprise me as I have access to a drawer full of pills and I am purposely leaving myself totally open to seeing them everyday, it is the only way for ME to overcome.
I am so glad that my story has helped you both stay strong! Hearing that my story helped you both stay strong has in turn helped me stay strong, because I realize that you are both uplifted not by where I was or the terrible point my life had reached, but because of where I am do day and the direction I am trying to head. That gives me the strength to continue on the road to recovery, and stay away from the path that would lead me back to hell. I have heard it said that those of us who are religious believe in heaven, but those of us who are spiritual are so because we have been to hell and know that there must be a heaven. Having said I am a spiritual person, and I have been to hell, and know that it is a place that I never want to be again. I learned growing up that misery does not like company and as a miserable person satin does not want to be alone, and he will do anything to drag us down to keep him company. One of the things he does is he disguises bad things to seem good. Emsmom I remember those days when pain killers made me feel so good, so warm, so fuzzy, so energetic, and so invincible, and then once I was trapped and in that hell of addiction that is when Satins trick to dress up the evil side of addiction could not be done any more. Then I remember being sick, being a lier, being scared, and all the other awfull things that come with being a prisoner to addiction. It is a terrible feeling always keeping secrets lying to and stealing to get more pills, lying to cover up why you are sick or why you feel miserable, being scared of when that last pill is going to be gone, being scared because of not knowing when and where you next fix will come from. It is never ending. I had a tough week last week, but hearing that peopel were strengthend by my story gave me strength. I went to my twelve step program class and had the strength to share how I was feeling there and was brought up and encouraged by those around me. I was able to see how desperate my state truly was. I was able to see how close I was to death and how had I not recieved help when I did that I would have been swallowed up by the quicksand. I realized how great it feels to wake up in the morning without feeling ill until I got my fix. I realized how great it is to feel happy, and that it is true happiness not happiness brought on temporarily by some pill. Sure I will and have had my sad days, but the happy ones are more and more. It feels so great to be free again to be solid ground to know that where I am standing now is safe, and that I am no longer sinking down to my own death. I know that even when you both struggle that you do not want to fall back into the quicksand. I know you are both so happy to be on solid ground and have the ability to move foward. Keep it up stay on that solid ground, stay moving foward, don't stand still for a second, keep putting the distance between you and the quicksand further and further, because the quicksand is taking the land around it down behind you and so you can't stand still either you having to keep moving away from it. Recovery is like being on a treadmill you have to keep moving foward, because even if you stand still you are going to fall back, fall back into the quicksand. Thank you for your support, and I am glad to give my in return. I am happy for your progress, and proud of your courage. Keep me posted like I said if you ever need support just post me a message here. I check back every couple days, and as soon as I see a message from you will reply with encouraging words and uplifting thoughts. We can all do it if we work together. Remember pray hard, keep your friends and families close, go to your meeting and classes, and do all the other things that help you stay clean and sober. keep up the good work!
Emsmom and tapergal and any others out there that may read this in the future. If you wanted to print this and share it with anyone or keep it close and even though you could do it anyway I just thought I would let you know if it makes you feel better you can print this and keep it for yourself (as it will eventually disapper into the past post files that rarely get reviewed) and you can share with anyone else that you think might benefit from it. Stay strong and keep me posted on how your doing.
I am going to print it off as we speak. THANK YOU. That is a wonderful idea and right now, when my taper is at it's hardest, I am going to tape it to my bathroom mirror so I see it many, many times a day. I will stop and read it each time and give it the respect it deserves.
Hey tape good to hear from you again I am glad to hear you sounding so positive! Good luck during this hard time of your tapper I hope and pray for you to be able to get through it. I hope that being able to read my story to yourself helps keep you strong during this dark hour for you. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel you can get to it just stay on a straight and steady course and you will get there. Keep me posted on how you are doing, and if you need anything let me know. I am always here to share a kind word or words of strength and encouragment. Stay strong all day long, because thats all you can do is take recovery on a day by day basis.
Thank you so much for your encouragement....................I have come down from a 20 pill a day habbit to now, 3 a day. It has not been easy, as you can imagine, however it is so empowering to now that not only have I done this, but to regain my zest for life.
I am so clearheaded now, and can appreciate smells, colors, sounds and even heard myself laughing at Sanford and Son the other day and it dawned on me that I have not laughed like that in a long, long time.............
I had a terrible tmj headache yesterday, which is why I was in pain management and I just took aspirin and laid on my heating pad and dealt with it................
diezel, Please, keep up your positive posts and encouragement, you just don't know what you have done for me.............
That is such a good story! We're the same age, and I'm from Florida as well, (hence g8trgrl). Myself, I was in a car accident in 2003 and started down the winding black road of pain pills. It started with lortab and ended with methadone. I have now been on subutext for 24 hours, and I have to say it's pretty good. I have my ups and downs, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but we do what we have to do to survive and have a normal life. Anyway, thanks for the story, it's inspiring!
Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I was in hospital for a week - due to cervical and uterine cancer.
I am doing great on my taper Haven't messed up again woohoo. I can't write too much today - as I'm on bedrest and hubby only lets me up for 20 mins at a time. I have hundreds of emails to reply to lol.
I hope everyone is doing well. I'll be back in hospital soon for a couple more weeks - but I'll be in touch.
Emsmom I was glad to hear from you, and I am glad everything went well with your surgery. Congrats on staying strong and keeping to your taper plan you are stronger then I am. I hope all goes well with your coming surgeries and everything is succesful. Let us know before you go back in so that we know not to worry about you if we do not hear from you for a while. Keep up the good work and stay strong, and if you ever need some encouragement you know how to get me a message. Keep it up!!
g8trg where do you live at in florida I am in Jacksonville now, but before rehab was in coral springs. I am glad that my story uplifted you. It strengthens me when I hear from people who have benefitted from my story. Congrats on taking your first step to getting out of the quicksand!!! Just remember though suboxone/subutex are just a temporary life line to get us out of the sand, but to stay away from it for good we need to change our behavior and build a strong support group. Changing environments is helpful as well if it is at all possible. Moving away from where I was, was a hugh help as I got away from the docs I knew would write me a script and the friends I had that would give me drugs. Some would say they were not my friends, but as my dealers were always fellow users and people I dealt to when I had excess I still consider them friends as I think their intentions were good in that they did not want to see me suffer and whether it was because of pain or going through withdrawals they did not want to see me go through it. That made it hard to leave them behind and for now cut ties, but as they are not ready to make the step I have and as I am not ready to be the strength that they might need to pull them out of the quicksand as well I had to or they would have dragged me back in. Pain pill addiction is so difficult I think because for so many of us we did not get into it initially for the high and all though thats what it turns into we still many times do have some legit pain issues that would warrant someone without our same problems taking the pills medically. It is a fine line at times, which made it so easy to rationalize, atleast for me anyway. I still try to do ocassionally and tell myself oh it would be ok if you just got a few pills for those days when you really hurt, but I cant do it and fortunatly for me I have not convinced myself yet that it would be ok (thank gosh). I tell myself well as long as you dont snort them it will be ok, but it won't I will just end up right back in the quicksand. I totally got side tracked a little, and I guess I just needed to get some thoughts out there as I have been very tempted the last few days to get pills, and by reminding myself here of the consequences of that and sharing with others who are fighting the battle with me helps me not fallin into the quicksand again. I think that is so awesome that you are getting help and hope you do all the other things you need to do to stay clean, sober, and away from the quicksand. Suboxone saved my life, because I wanted to and had tried to quit so many times before, but once I would get sick I could not take it. Knowing that just a few lines of a roxy or oxy would take my pain away always did me in. I would say ok I will just do one just to hedge off the symptoms some and then one turned into two and two into three, four, five, and then six hours later I would realize I had been sniffing pills none stop and could not remember anymore whether it was four, five, or even ten pills I had done. Suboxone freed me from that trap and helped me get through till I was stronger and clear headed. The things that have made me stronger are going to meetings staying close to my friends and family, and getting my feelings out there. Make sure you do those things as well as one day you will have to give up the subutex as well. I have read a lot of negative things on this board about the subutex and suboxone and how people could not come off of it or the withdrawals were worse then with their other drug. This is just my opinion and my experiance and is not meant to offend anyone else, but it is also to hopefully encourage you as well. I feel like if you do the things you need to, to become strong and clear headed coming off of subutex or suboxone and how hard it is, is mostly in your head. It is just finally letting go of substances all together. After reading so many negative post and so few positive post I was so worried about coming off it, but I just told myself what I originally thought and what my doc told me. My doc has me on 12mg a day and over the last two weeks I have cut it down to none on a few days and at most 8 with very few negative affects. I just have been telling myself it is time to start letting go. You are strong now, you are clear, and level headed its time to leave it all behind. The thing I have noticed most is that my cravings for oxy has increased, but I have not felt that bad physically at all. I am sure as I have less of the sub in my body the more my body tries to get something so I think of oxy, but at some point I will have to get to the point of just being able to say "NO". I can do it, you can do it, we all can do it!! G8trg keep up the good work. Keep moving foward remember the road to recovery is more like the treadmill to recovery if you do not keep moving foward and progressing and even just try to stand still you will fall back and fall back hard. If you ever need any help, strength, encouragment, or anything just post me a message, and I will do what I can. I usually check the boards every day or two. The same goes for anyone out there reading this. Keep it up and keep me posted.