I really need some support. I have none in the "real" world and am struggling with feeling crazy and wierd. You know my story Reach and how I went back to using a very small amount if vics just to have a little energy and get back to work. That was about a month or so ago and it seemed to help for a couple of weeks. I did get back to work and then received another job offer so I start a new job next Monday. A much better job all the way around, so I'm happy about that. About a week ago I stopped taking the vics again (I was only taking about 2 per day of the 10/500's, one half at a time). They actually stopped working for me, I was having chest pain and lots of anxiety and if I increased my dosage it got worse, so I had to stop. They are like poison for me, thank God!
But I am really struggling with feeling alone and *** up in the head. Some days are great, like I never had an addiction or tried to commit suicide 2 months ago. Then there are days that I just feel like total crap. I am extremely self concious and, at the same time, detached - you know, that out of body feeling. And the leg creepy crawlys are getting worse by the day.
I've disassociated myself from everyone except my daughters who have no idea I'm feeling this way. I just don't want to burden them with this and I think they are sick of it. They're still kids - 22 & 23. I can't burden them with my problems. My oldest is getting ready to leave for Japan for 4 years with the Navy, which she chose to do. I'm really torn about that beacuse I will miss her immensly and, yet, I know it is an opportunity of a lifetime for her. She's in Virginia right now so it's not like I can see her regularly, but I talk to her every day. I just don't know what's going to happen with her being in Japan. 4 years is a long time. Right now it makes me sad.
I just have no energy when I'm not working, my poor dogs want to play and go for walks and I struggle to do that. Tonight it's not an option. I feel like death again. Friday was supposed to be my last day at my current job, but I got into it with a co-worker and walked out. I hated it there, it was so boring..........I had given a week's notice even though I had only been there for 2 weeks. I am relieved because now I have 4 days before I start my dream job, which I am happy and scared about at the same time. My memory is not great, it never was, but it is a lot worse since the addiction.
Sorry to ramble, I have had no one to talk with about this - I need one on one counseling, but with work I don't know when I'll have the time to do it. I'm just so alone and wonder when I'm going to feel better all the time, not just here and there. Today I started out feeling great.....wore a new cute dress to work and then when the issue at work happened it stressed me ut so bad that I just folded. I feel almost paralyzed. I'm not a stupid person, but this whole experience has sure made me feel like one!!!!!!!
I just really need support right now and appreciate all.........
First off, I have to tell you this.. don't ever doubt that the Lord is watching you. I came into shut down the computer and by habit hit the healthboard icon instead and saw you thread in the list. I have not been posting much, but you know there is no way I could ever have ignored this thread.
So. You seem to be suffering from depression, Little Chickadee. I know it well and I recognize it quickly.
I just have no energy when I'm not working
That is SO what it was like for me for so long. Work, be distracted there, then come home near collapse, walk straight up the stairs and into the bed until the next morning.
I've disassociated myself from everyone except my daughters
For me, I disassociated with all except my husband. At work, I could fake it with social nothings, but not outside of work. While there, something would 'snap to" and I would be okay. However, a year of that and I really started to break and eventually the total collapse came.
Other things that you describe... memory issues and such... all depression symptoms for me. Big time. The jittery legs , I believe , are ithdrawal symptoms. I still have restless legs on some nights.. always at night only when I am trying to settle down to rest. The depression for you, as it was for me, seems to be what I call 'layered depression' in my mind. The first layer is the layer that existed before any withdrawal began.-The second layer was a layer brought on by the withdrawal. This one is kind of seperate in my mind, but at the same time, compounded the first greatly.
Sunshine, you so need to make the time for one on one counseling. Please. Will you try a clinical social worker? Please. You are a very smart woman... I have no doubt of this because I have a very good memory ad I remember a lot of your postings... they were words by a very smart woman... a hurt woman, a wounded woman, but always a smart woman.
You additionally have a strong will to live. Life is overwhelming these last months for you, but the will to live is strong and vital. You have reached out for help in every single instance of despair. You let your brain supercede the emotions every time and this is exactly what you are going to do this time. And Sweetie, if you need a bit of guidance and some nudges to understand what you have to do, we are all here to help you.
My experiences say to get yourself into that licensed clinical social worker pronto. Of course you can do it and work! The same as your gut makes you get up and go to work... the same gut will propel you to get to the appointments with the professional. Personally, I think you are hiding from deep pain. In no way do I believe that merely two months after that sad incident are you emotionally healed. I kind of think you know this and are just hiding from it. There was much more work to be done after that happened and the work was not complete. Needs to get completed, Sunshine, gotta be done. Then you will feel normal again, then you will begin to live and not just exist again. I swear this to you. I stuffed so much emotional pain and mourning down inside of me, so much. It gets to a point where we just can not stuff anymore inside and then it just starts erupting. The fears, the doubts, the hurt just finally become too much to bear and we must seek profesional help to release it and then be taught how to let it go. And then comes the relief, the healing and the new beginning of life in abundance.
The things like restless legs are big irritations, but these physical things honestly do subside over time. Remember to soak in hot baths, rub down with Bengay, try some Magnesium. These things will help.
Most importantly, don't try to fake being okay when you are not. You make the time to see that professional the same as you force yourself to get up and pee in the middle of the night when you are asleep. Make your mental and emotional well-being a top priority or everything else you have will end up meaningless. There is an obligation to preserve yourself and your well-being. You have purposes on this Earth to fulfill. For you, for your loved ones.
Come back and share some more. I will try to catch you in the AM.
It is early in the morning. I woke up and was thinking about you. I went back through all of your posts looking for something, anything, that might help you, might be a clue, you know? Well, the thing that hit me most... you came here in May after trying a cold turkey at home off pain meds. The months have passed and you still struggle with so many issues. Struggle alone, always struggling on your own except for the board. The only time I can find where there was really any live intervention was back in July when you were kind of forced into a very short hospitalization.
Sun, there just has to be some live support put into place for you. A professional of course to oversee everything. But I think there needs to be some peer support for you... peer support who understand thoroughly addiction and depression. An AA group, an NA group...it seems like maybe it is time for you to think outside the box you have created here. I very much understand disassociating from those around us, but also understand that it is good it is recognized and once we recognize it, we must get proactive in resolving it. The good thing about an AA or NA meeting is that we can sit there as disassociated as we want, but can still listen, can absorb quietly things that can help us. I believe that eventually, something will stir in you and you will accept the support the people at these groups can give. You need some physical hugs, Sun, and you need people who can understand and help you through things because they have dealt with these things also. Time to step out of the box, Honey, and allow others to truly help you. There have been a lot of overwhelming things in your life with accidents, housing, addiction.... no one of us can be an island and handle these things alone. We need others who can offer us concrete suggestions and knowledge to help us understand how to get through all of this. I don't think at all that your daughters are sick of everything as you wrote; I think they are at a loss as to how to help you. You are their MOM and you guys obviously love one another very much. They can be supportive, but they are not capable of leading you. I think if you would take the steps to see a professional and to get to some meetings, they could happily listen and share in the concrete actions you take. What a great example to them it would be to see how to take the steps, how to search out the help, to resolve issues. Even today at 56 years of age, I look to the examples of my mom as I make my way through life. More and more I understand that she is a woman of great strength as I reflect on the things she has endured and overcome... poverty, cancer, an alcoholic husband. She has been an example of endurance, patience, faith, and moving on with life even when it was kicking her in the behind. She never lost her ability to laugh and love no matter what. She is 76 now and still going strong. She continues to be an example just as we continue to be to our adult children.
I think a big key to her success is that she has always, always maintained a circle of peers. When my Pop was an active alcoholic, she got off her but and started the first Al-Anon group in our city. She found peer support there. As my father sobered up, she made her way into a more active spiritual life that she eventually shared with my father and they were spirit filled people for the next 40 years of their marriage until he passed away 12 years ago. She remains social and vibrant.. she even has a new love in her life! Sun, all these kinds of things are waiting for all of us. Sometimes we just need help to get over the hurdles, you know? We need others to help us the same as we would help someone in crisis.
Push yourself... go get some others there in reality land to help you. Seek it out, accept it. Make yourself a priority, not work or anything else but you. being selfish is not always a bad thing... sometimes it is what we ned to do to be able to get past just exisitng and thrive again. You can and will thrive again there, Sun. It is going to take determination, but I believe you have what it takes.
Thank you Reach - You always have such words of wisdom and meaning. I know that you are right and I want so much to get moving and be proactive, but my mid and body do not feel connected most of the time these days. Today started off okay, although I hate mornings and cant wait for night because I know that soon I can take my sleep meds and shut it all off. I know that's not healthy, but, unfortunately, it's how I feel. It's been rainy all day here, a perfect excuse to take a "nap" with my dogs, but it's 5:15 and I've been here since 3:00. I feel like such a big loser.....again, my dogs want to play now and I just don't have the energy. I have so much I should be doing around the house taking advantage of the time I have off befoe I start my new job Monday, but I can't move.
I can't get in to see anyone for counseling on such short notice, so that's not an option. I've tried NA meetings and they just aren't for me. If anything they bring me downeven further. I don't know why, it just does. I also found that the people who initially reach out to you as a "newcomer" aren't really there for you. I just do better with one on one therapy. I am trying to find a therapist who has evening sessions since that will be my only option.
Depression is nothing new to me. I've lived with it since my teenage years - it runs in my family. The issue is that I cannot seem to take meds for it. I suffer from every known side effect when I try to take them. That is what my Dr. believes pushed me over the edge and try to end my life. I want desperately to be able to take something to help. Everyone says "give it time." But I don't have time to feel crazy and out of whack until the meds start woking for me. (I already feel that way - I can't stand it getting any worse). I HAVE to work.....I don't have a partner to help me financially while I get through this. So I feel stuck. I keep telling myself to keep moving and I will feel better and, when I'm working, I do. I feel like a fraud, but physically and emotionally, I am distracted from the depression and withdrawals......temporarily. I get home and I'm drained.
Will I wake up one day and feel like myself again?????? This has been the absolute worst year of my life. I thought quitting ct would be the best thing I could do for myself, but it just feels like a downward spiral. My daughter's 22nd birthday was last week and she invited me to go out with her and a group of her friends and I was going to, but I bailed at the last minute. She was so dissapointed, but I felt so ugly and self conscious......I just didn't want to be at a club where everyone is judging you and where I would be tempted to drink.
I'm hoping that when I start my new job I will meet some new people. For now I don't really have anyone and I just have to deal with that. I know that counseling will help and look forward to it. I am trying to take things one moment at a time. Reach, you are such a help to people here and I really appreciate your help. Please don't think that I am not listening or that I am just feeling sorry for myself. It is simply how I feel - up and down, like a roller coaster. I try to think back to a time when I had energy and felt happy and "normal." There are glimpses and I'm trying to hold onto them and the hope that I will be that person again. Right now I just want to pull the covers up over my head and go to sleep.
I know how hard you are trying here, Buddy. I know.
It seems to me that you are totally overwhelmed thinking about making the effort to do a million things to try and get better! One thing at a time, one thing at a time, okay? Chuckles.
First thing I notice... you are looking forward to meeting some new people at your new job. What a great attitude! This is a big thing there, Sun. I am going to hope with you that the atmosphere is pleasant and that new friends are made.
Second, I am happy for you that you are going to make the effort to get into counseling. Another big thing here. It always takes a while to get an appointment with mind professionals. Sure has always been the case for me! Most offices say like 6-8 weeks around here. So maybe go ahead and make an appointment and just have it in place for in a little while.. waiting for you when you have settled into work a bit.
With the job and an appointment in place, it comes to slow down time for all the baby steps now that are going to lead to real healing. It is so not overnight, Sun. Think back to your girls when they were babies and trying to learn to walk. They didn't just wake up one day and walk. They tested the waters by trying to find their balance first by holding on to the couch or table. Then they walked a few steps along the couch until they could feel comfortable with that. Their first 'no holding on' step to you were wobbly and tentative. they were encouraged, encouraged, encouraged until they could finally trust themselves enough to maybe take 3 wobbly steps to you. And each tiny success helped them make another brave attempt . Then, finally, you notice one day they are plain walking. And then the process begins all over again when they learn to run, to tie their own shoes, to climb the monkey bars. Always so slow and tentative in the beginning, always unsure, but always trying. This is how you will beat all the demons, the sadness and symptoms of depression.... in a long, long series of baby steps.
Coming out of the depression here is not like "BOING! I am not depressed anymore." It is slow, slow recognition that we have had maybe a half-hour's reprieve, then maybe 45 minutes. Sometimes we do not even recognize it. Keeping a journal was so helpful to me. I charted baby steps... like maybe I washed my hair or maybe I went for a 5 minute walk. Whatever I did that took real effort to do. I also journaled how much I was crying... like an hour, a half hour, etc. ( I also journaled time and dosage of meds while I was tapering). I would go back and read that journal all the time. I could see proof in black and white that I was making progress even when I did not feel like that. That journal was often the impetus to encourage me to push, to stretch more and more.
Don't worry about group meetings. They were not for me, either. What is important is that we seek out some kind of live support. Sure, I leaned on my family and friends and was very blessed to have them available. However, what was also very key was having those professionals.. my family doctor and clinical social worker... in place to help me work through the underlying issues. I needed their guidance and advice or I never would have made it.
Your little dogs are going to be okay, too. You are feeding them and cuddling with them. Just like any partners in life, they have instincts that let them know when we are not well and they are just going to stick with you. Take their love and devotion and let them comfort you for now and do not worry... they will be fine also.
Sun, there is a time when we finally emerge back into a happy, healthy life. As long as we always stay aware of our overall goal, we can feel satisfied and good about each baby step we make. They add up, they take us along the road we need to go.
Hi, I'm here........having another really bad day. The anxiety and depression is really bad today. Yesterday I took a Valium and it really didn't help. I felt like a zombie all day, pushing myself to run errands, then fell into bed around 3pm and stayed there only getting up to take the dogs out, feed them and get something to eat myself. I'm really dealing with a lot of lonlliness right now. It just seems like nobody cares about me, not even me............ Suicidal thoughts are very present today, the feeling of just not wanting to live because life is too hard, just the stupid day to day stuff takes so much out of me. i have to push myself so hard and tell myself that if I don't do it, it won't get done. I do a few things, then I need to take a break, but I'm afraid to sit or lay down for even a second because I know that I could wind up in bed the rest of the day and that makes me feel even worse. I mean, I got up this morning after having bad dreams all night long, I went over to the park to feed some homeless cats, came home and took my dogs for a quick walk, sat by the pool and had some coffee (that did feel good) and I started cleaning out my closet - sorting through clothes, etc. Not a fun job for anyone, I'm sure. But now I'm laying in bed, on my computer, feeling lousy. I hate being in my home and I don't know why. I don't know if it has to do with going thru the detox here or the suicide attempt here. I just hate being here. My daughter is off work today, but she stays in her room most of the time so it's not like we're interacting. I feel guilty that I'm not doing more with my dogs and I think they, especially the younger one, are feeling a little depressed themselves. I start my new job tomorrow and I feel no excitement, just fear that I will wake up and feel bad in the morning.......
I just want to feel happy again.....find happiness and enjoyment in the things that I do. I just don't feel that right now and I don't know what to do about that. I feel guilty if I take a nap, I feel guilty if I don't play with my dogs, guilt, guilt, guilt............it's just there! And numbness. God, I hate this. Thank you for letting me lean on you. I am glad I have you guys to connect with. I am not going to hurt myself.......I won't do that to my girls, but the thoughts are there and I wish they would go away.
Reach - You sound so happy to be working again and feeling better! Congratulations! You are a fantastic roll model for many of us here and I really appreciate you. Thank you so very much!!
I am going to try to take a small nap and maybe I will feel better when I wake up. I'll check back in later. Hugs.......
Hi Sunshinegirl .... I just wanted to post and let you know that you are not alone. I am on day 4 of getting off of hydrocodone.....I posted to Michelle under the 'there is hope' thread if you wanna read more.
Oooh, how I can relate to the depression, no energy, feeling of 'what's there to look forward to now?' But I absolutely won't make my children suffer any more than they already have, so they are my motivation right now. Every child has a right to a parent that has it kinda together. :-)
Hang in there and I know it has to get better!
Last edited by tryinghardmom; 09-23-2007 at 08:48 PM.
Holy Mackeral! I am so very proud of you today. When I read that you felt like a zombie, but pushed anyway to run some errands, fed the dogs and yourself, I just wanted to hug you. I know you are not feeling it, but, Sun, can you read your own words and see that you functioned yesterday and really did some things? I sure can see it for you.
Sun, there were many, many days in my depression that I could not even find the energy to eat food that was brought to me in bed by my husband. I tell you the truth here. And errands? Errands? I did not even fathom ever being able to run any kind of errand for months. Geze, that is something that I would have scribbled in my diary with tears smearing the words. It just wasn't in my capability in the deep depression.
Honey, these are the baby steps! Yes, we have to force them even when we feel we can not. There were days I could not function enough to brush my teeth. When I did, I counted it as a baby step. Sun... I brush my teeth 3 times a day now and floss, too. Chuckles. Sounds so silly, but I swear it is something I am truly grateful for. I think unless we have been in this kind of depression, it just can not be understood by others. I believe we all underestimate the severity of what narcotics do to us and the withdrawal from them is just not understandable until we actually have to endure it. Personally, there was a profound sense of shock in me about what I was enduring. I really didn't believe I could live through it, but here I am today, brushing the ivories, working, singing again and thoroughly enjoying life. I hate that sleep is still an issue, but because I have endured so much in not being able to function and now knowing I survived, I am able to accept the lack of sleep and know that someday this will be bwetter also. It is already better many more nights than even three months ago.
We need to keep the hope burning. It is so real that it gets better, so very real. I know, because I felt as yopu do now, that it was never going to happen. I wondered why my life was so unbearably painful, I was so tired of it all. But I clung to the hope that came from the board, from those who loved me, from my Mom who reminded me that God had not abandoned me and that hope has become reality now. Sun, I have no reason to make this up. I share it with you and others because it is a truth. Yes, it takes a long time coming, but it comes. When we feel so crummy, when we want it so bad, it is hard to understand why it doesn't happen a LOT quicker. Of course we are impatient for it... who would ever want to feel so debilitated and say, "Oh, I can wait a few months to feel better."????? Not me for sure! However, it takes time to heal. This is Nature... it takes a flower a whole year to bloom again after its blossoms fall each year. A tree... who would think it the Winter that in a few months it will be gloriously alive again and filled with leaves and bear fruit again? We belive these things by faith, Sun... by faith because we know these things happen. I am asking you to take a renewed leap of faith here and believe you will be well again because you have been well before. because I ask you to trust me, a cyber soul, when I write and tell you I have been where you have been and I healed and am alive, blossoming and flowering again.
We need lots of rest and we need to keep ourselves nourished with food and knowledge... then just like everything else in Nature, we are going to thrive again. So what if you are a bit like a bear in hibernation right now? you are still eating and breathing and even pushing hard to run errands! You are going to come out of this hibernation roaring like a Mama Bear. You will live renewed again and ready to face the world bravely.
It is going to happen for you, Sun. Yes, it is. You will be okay again... better than okay... you are going to be happy and enjoy life again. Stay strong. We are much stronger than the depression thoughts that try to tell us we are weak. Depression is a liar. Seek the truth when depression tries lying to you.
What a beautiful post. I'm now 10 days off the junk and I know the depression is coming. I'm almost human as far as my body is concerned but I know what's coming. My Dr. offered me anti-depressents a couple of days ago and I turned him down. Maybe I better rethink that.
I've been checking up on you thru this thread. I'm so glad that Reach is with you thru this to give you hope and advice.
One thing that stood out to me in your posts were the mention of "guilt".
Boy do I know what guilt feels like.....I walk around every minute with some sort of guilt on my shoulders. But the important thing to remember right now is that guilt is not necessary! You are doing the very best you can do right now and you need to take that guilt and push it away.
You have every right to feel tired, down, or unmotivated.....not that u should encourage those feelings, but when withdrawling (and you still are!) these feelings are inevitable and u need not feel guilt about them.
Like Reach said, you are doing amazingly for someone who is depressed. I couldn't get out of bed AT ALL when i've been thru bad depressions. I couldn't work or function at all. I even had to send my sweet baby dog to my Moms house for a few weeks bcuz i was incapable of even taking her out or playing with her.
So whether or not you see it, you ARE stronger than u think and u are making strides (or baby steps
Try to get rid of that guilt when i creeps up.....taking care of you is most important right now and there is NO need to feel any guilt for what your feeling/going thru. Others just don't understand, and that is something that I still have a hard time with. I'm always feeling like they're looking at me as being weak or negative.....but I/you need to remember that they have NO understanding of just how hard this is mentally/physically/spiritually....and that's o.k. God knows what your going thru....and like Reach said also, now it's time to put your faith first. Trust that He will walk u thru this (carry you if needed). Trust that your right where your supposed to be each and every day. And that when IT"S TIME, you'll begin to take bigger steps toward getting better. But for now, its OK if your in bed.....Let Go and Let GOD!
With Love & Prayers for you! Mags
Hi Sunshine !! I have also been following you through these posts. I am sad that you're having a hard time, but please know that it wont last forever !!! i agree that a therapist would be such a benefit for you right now, and i pray that you find the time/ willingness to see one !!!
sunshine, please know that i am out here praying for you daily. God will take care of you and your prayers will be answered. In God's time. You are truly doing remarkable for what is going on inside of you. Face each day with a positive attitude, act as if you are ok, and pretty soon you will be.
You all have no idea how much your kindness and understanding means to me. I feel so selfish because I am taking so much from you right now. And I appreciate it so much!!! I stayed away from the boards for a while because I just didn't even know what to say. I want to be the one with words of encouragement and hope, but it's hard when I can barely encourage myself.
Reach - you are so eloquent in your writing.........so beautiful and giving..........it means so much.................. tears just knowing that you care..........
Today was the first day of my new job - the job I really wanted and it was a good day........ I didn't feel totally crazy and zombie-like, it was a busy day, so there was no time to feel nuts. I have my own office and the people seem really nice. I have a lot to learn and welcome the challenges to my brain. I hope I wake up tomorrow and feel "good." That's the wierd thing about this whole process - some days I feel pretty okay, with energy and pretty clear thoughts and little anxiety or depression and then the next day or more I feel bad again.........anxiety, depression, no energy....... To me it almost sounds like bi-polar, but supposedly (according to my dr) I'm not bi-polar. On the days I feel good I tell myself, okay, maybe this is it, maybe I'm back to me again - just so strange! I hope that with working every day and keeping busy I will soon be "blossoming and flowering again."
Maggie and Michelle - It's so good to hear from you and have your support. I miss our chats. I did read your current posts Maggie. I know how hard it must be for you getting down so low and not being able to take that last step. At least, I can imagine..........I tried it with my taper from the vics and just couldn't do it.......that's when I did ct. Sometimes I wish I had tried sub, but I didn't have the $$ for it and was afraid to have to detox off of that down the road. I hope you can get through this......you are in my thoughts. How is work going? Still working for your dad?
Michelle, how are you doing?????? What's been happening with you?
You are all in my prayers - we have to be strong and not give up, I know that. I'm glad I have you all! Hugs......
Just thinking about u and want you to know that I think your doing great. Your doing the best you can at this very moment so instead of seeing your position as bad, see it as HUGE STEPS better than u were a few months ago. Just the fact that your able to go to work is a good thing!
You WILL get better.....trust me, i've been just where your at and thought it would never end or get any better. But it always did.
I mentioned this CD in my other thread, and i wanted to recommend it to you bcuz it really lifted my spirits.
I saw this TV show and this guy was singing a song that made me cry bcuz it was so true to how life should be, so i ordered it for real cheap online. Anyways, the singer is ANTHONY EVANS and it is named "letting go". There is a few songs on there that really hit me and i thought about you and my other cyber girls on this site when i heard them. Just a thought.....music (positive music) can do wonders for the soul!
Keep on truckin' and take baby steps. Be gentle to yourself...you've been thru a heck of a lot recently and you ARE on the road to healing. You just need to be patient and not be so hard on yourself for not being all better yet. I think that your doing very good and you know what needs to be done to continue healing.......and hopefully your taking those steps.
Your always in my prayers and i hope we can keep in touch more often. I know how it feels to not want to post due to feeling down, but that's what we're here for...to build eachother up when we're down. That's what life is all about! take care you!