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Old 09-28-2007, 06:24 PM   #1
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First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Okay, so here it goes.... First post.I have been taking hydrocodone for about three years. It was originally prescribed for a back/disc injury that I incurred on duty. As the story goes I needed more to get the same effects and ended up taking about 10-13 norco (10mg hydrocodone/ 325 tylenol) daily. On my days off I coupled this with alcohol. Needless to say it caused problems, mainly with my marriage and failure to be the best father I can be. I see everyone saying the same thing I said, and say. "It made me happy. I need it for energy." Unfortunately this is true for a while. Before you know it you are strung out though. When I ran out (on a monthly basis) I had severe withdrawls. Ever watched the movie "Trainspotting"? Yeah, the whole skin crawling, cold sweats, stomachache, baby crawling on the ceiling, could it get any worse type of withdrawl. I learned after a couple of years that I had to taper as best I could but sometimes I just couldn't keep my hand out of the cookie jar. I am not a scumbag junkie (and i am not implying anyone else is). I am educated. I have a great family and job. THIS CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE I now realize and does happen to approximately seven percent of all prescribees (National Institute on Drug Abuse). I should have known better but I didn't heed the warning signs. Likewise, when my wonderful wife dropped the bomb that she was about to leave me three weeks ago I was crushed ! She had all she could take of the monthly withdrawls, mood swings, lack of family engagement, and deception about if or how much medicine I was taking. I have been clean for two and a half weeks now. I called my pharmacy and pain management doctor and told them I can no longer take hydrocodone or any other opiod because I am incapable of taking it as prescribed. I am going to counseling (couples and individual) and seeing a psychiatrist for depression and anxiety medication options. I am also planning to seek another doctors opinion regarding my back and see what non-narcotic options I have. Whew ! This was a lot of typing and I'll wrap it up. Oh, and to answer the originally posted withdrawl question: physical withdrawl subsides after about three days but may re-emerge briefly around day 5 or 7. The depression lasts a couple of weeks so dont be afraid to see someone about it even if it is just for depression medication but be honest. I never felt so good as I do now when I tell the right people the truth about the mistakes I made. They are very supportive. I am refusing my psychiatrists demand to go to drug rehab however. I don't mean to stop short of doing everything I can but I am drawing the line. I hope its not th wrong thing to do. My wife gave me a list of written stipulations I must meet to keep her and they are all selfless. They revolve around getting help and stopping the self destructive pattern. I whole-heartedly aggreed and I am working frantically and daily to meet my end of the bargain. She is staying as long as I earn it and the glint in her eye and affection in her voice is slowly returning. I am just so remorsefull that I buried her feelings for me with lies and caused her so much pain. I thought I had found the miracle drug that made me the person I thought I should be; energetic, playful, "happy", relaxed. I couldn't see the forest for the trees. Being pleasantly numb is not happiness and all that I avoided over the years is still there for me to deal with. Not to sound too AA cliche but I am really doing this "one day at a time". I would not object to anyone including my family and marriage and maybe even me in their prayers.

 
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Old 09-28-2007, 06:40 PM   #2
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Hi there~
Im a CP patient, and have my good days and bad. I have a husband and a son who are my life, and I try with all of my heart to be the best I can be even when I feel crappy.
Im happy for you, and applaud your efforts and hope you stay strong, and have your family again. Good for you!! Thanks for sharing your story~
xoxoxox,
IZZY'SMOM

 
Old 09-29-2007, 08:34 PM   #3
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

MS,

Funny how we have to get to the point of almost losing everything before we see the light, huh? I was just like you a little over a month ago. College educated, married with kids, home, land, the works....but I couldn't see everything I had because I was too busy trying to get the pills. It took being busted by the cops and possible felony charges ( I'm still waiting to see if/what I'll be charged with) to open my eyes..really open them. It is insanity, and we addicts have a lot of that. You're doing all the right things. Attend your meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps, continue counselling, and yep, even check out other doctors who believe in non-narcotic ways of handling pain. Your comment about not being a "scumbag junkie" made me laugh. I told the cops the same thing.

We're not perfect, man..far from it, but your beginning a journey that will be hard but so, so, so worth it. I wish you all the best.

RTBD

 
Old 09-29-2007, 08:52 PM   #4
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Thanks for the replies. I plan to post regularly and hope to have a regular thread established for purposes of mutual understanding and support between members. If there is one already established I would accept an invitation but in the mean time I am seeking support and willing to give the same. I know this will be a difficult road and I am fearfull of set backs. The thought of being clean three months from now scares me. But I can get through the rest of today and feel confident about tomorrow. Anyone else that would like to join me on this road back to a better place is welcomed. I am sorry to hear about your arrest. To maintain a truthfull environment on this thread I feel that I must confess I am a police officer by career. If there are any other cops out there who would like a safe place to seek support please join us. If you are not a cop please dont be afraid to share. I am just a man with problem trying to do my best like everone else. I have seen it all and will not judge. I am in no position to preach or judge especially since my mistakes makes us undeniably in the exact same boat. Please don't judge me on the basis of my career. I have mouths to feed and do my best to help people everyday, on and off duty.
Sincerely,
MS

 
Old 09-29-2007, 09:35 PM   #5
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Hey MS1:
I read your posts and I'm glad to see that your working on getting better. All things happen for a reason, and it seems that your wife threatening to leave was meant to be. To give you the determination and drive to get/stay clean and heal yourself and your marriage/relationships with kids.
I will most definitely keep you and your family in my prayers....you deserve the prayers just as much as them. Your not a bad person bcuz of being an addict. It's truely a disease.
I think it's great that your going to counseling and trying to work on the inner issues. Bcuz it's those inner issues that can creep back up and make it easy to relapse. If those things aren't being addressed, then we aren't really healing.
Good lck and God Bless to you and your family. Hang in there and - do the next right thing- and you will be blessed!

Last edited by maggie0704; 09-29-2007 at 09:41 PM. Reason: mistake

 
Old 09-30-2007, 03:38 AM   #6
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Dear MS 1.Thank you for your post. Like you, I'm not a "scumbag junkie". I work in a professional business and have been employed with the same company for 16 yrs. Like you, my addiction to hydrocodone started after a surgery. When my dr would no longer prescribe it for me, I found it elsewhere. Faking neck injuries and expense online orders with doctors that would call and prescribe based on the lies I told. I never let it get completely out of hand - took a couple a day but boy did I look forward to them. I was in denial about the addiction - I just needed it to feel good. NOBODY knows of my addiction except for the people on this message board and it feels so good to let my horrible secret out. I ran out a little over a month ago. Boy was I in for a surprise. Even at the low dosage I was taking, the withdrawal was bad. I did not even realize I was in withdrawal. Saw my dr with all my complaints, including major depression. Never told her about the hydro. She prescribed Cymbalta for the drepression and I've been on it for almost 2 weeks. I'm starting to feel human again but crave the hydro and fear a relapse. I don't have my marriage at stake - my husband was clueless. I am afraid to go to therapy because I don't want anyone to know about this. Soooo, this site has become my therapy and I am taking it one day at a time. By the way, Mr. Policeman, I got a speeding ticket on Labor day morning going thru a school zone that's 25 mph at 42 mph. I thought it was just plain mean of them to set up radar on a holiday morning that school was not in session LOL. Going to court to plead my sorrow on October 18th. I wish you the best in your recovery, you have alot at stake and will keep you in my prayers along with others with this nasty disease. Please keep posting!
JB

 
Old 09-30-2007, 08:39 AM   #7
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

I came across a bottle of 10mg hydrocodone last night. Before I knew it I picked it up. Temptation was an understatement. I felt like a starving man with a loaf of bread and instantly began to convince myself why just tonight wouldnt be that big of a deal..... so i set the bottle down and left. I made it one more day.....barely.

 
Old 09-30-2007, 09:35 AM   #8
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

thats good will power, but how to you come across a bottle of vicodin?

 
Old 09-30-2007, 09:37 AM   #9
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

MS, flush them. Do not let that temptation be there. Have your wife flush them if you feel that you can't.

As for being a cop, that makes not one bit of difference to me. I haven't been arrested yet, but I keep waiting for the call to come in *sigh*...I don't do very well with waiting..lol. Honestly, I'm thankful to that police officer, because he very well may have saved my life.

I know the fear of relapse. I live with it everyday. But we don't have to go back to the way we were. I know that finding that bottle must have been extremely hard for you, but think it through. Is that quick fix worth losing your wife over? And she may not find out about it (yep, I know how we addicts think of how we can "get by" with it), this time. But I believe that we don't pick up at the beginning of our addiction, we pick right back up where we left off. Remember, it isn't the caboose that kills your *****, its the engine. That first one starts it all over again. Hang in there. You've put too much work in to fall now.

RTBD

 
Old 09-30-2007, 05:59 PM   #10
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

I stumble across everything in the normal course of business (from weed to crack and everything in between.... none of which do I dabble in). I did not take possession of the vicodin. I just saw them and it was a kind of trigger thats all, but a strong trigger. I do not have anything stronger than Alleve at home. I have no refills pending and no intent to seek more medicine but the craving remains. Fortunately, a true hate for the pills is developing and fostering strength ..... love/hate. Time to begin another day. Thanks for the replies.

 
Old 10-01-2007, 03:57 AM   #11
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

MS1, you should be so proud of yourself. You resisted when your demons were telling you "well maybe just tonight". You are an inspiration to me. I have some coming and I pray I can find your strength to resist them. Like the previous post said, you know you cannot just take it "tonight". It would be a devasting relapse and so not worth loosing your wife/family over. I can only imagine the stress of having a job such as yours and stress is so hard to find relief from sometimes. Please hang in there, not only for yourself but for those of us suffering the same addiction.
JB

 
Old 10-01-2007, 09:29 AM   #12
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Another thing to be thankful for is that you never deviated to a more "powerful" narcotic. I was on Lortab for 3 years, when it got to the point that whether I took 4 or 7 a day, I wasn't "feeling" it. SO someone introduced me to methadone. The worst mistake I've ever made. But here I am, on the subutex for 1 week.. and starting to feel "normal" again. I still have a long way to go, and take things one day at a time. Hang in there! There's others that are going through this as well and know exactly how you feel.
g8trgrl

 
Old 10-01-2007, 03:13 PM   #13
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Thanks so much to everyone for the kind words. I am struggling with regaining the trust and full committment of my wife now following the hell that I've put her through. I've been having severe panic attacks (vomiting, hyper-ventalating, uncontrolled emotions--not hurtful of violent). I have never been this way before. It seems that everything is crashing down just when I am taking the steps to make it better. I am meeting all of her stipulations (counseling, psychiatrist, depression/anxiety meds, new back doctor, not switching to another addiction ie. alcohol, and helping a LOT more around the house) but it seems that her healing is not progressing as fast as I hoped. I am very insecure in our relationship and we have so much (15 years --since highschool-- and 2 beautiful kids). I believe she is trying but she says that its been so long since I was around (figuratively) that she has a hard time remembering who I am and that she has done this alone for so long that she has learned to get along without me and she is so ambiguous in her feelings and committment for me and our marriage. It is consuming me. I realized today that no matter what I do I cannot make someone feel the way I want them to. That hurts worst of all. We have never dealt with this. I have poured my heart out to her and backed it up with actions for all the right reasons. I have shown more emotion in the past week than I have in 15 years and now I feel extra vulnerable, small, humiliated, and quasi-alone. I am committed to doing whatever it takes to work but my dignity is suffering and I am a proud man. I just fear that this emotional distance will perpetuate and likewise force me to reciprocate it for self preservation and then where will we be? Other than that, things suck. Thanks for listening. I hope y'all are having a day better than mine..... but it could always be worse.....ms1

 
Old 10-01-2007, 05:35 PM   #14
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Dear g8tergrl,
I am proud that you have made it the first week. I know how hard it is. Be strong and know that everyday that passes you are able to hold your head up a little higher. Find strength in who or whatever you can. I am here daily and will listen. We can beat this thing....I know it. ...ms1

 
Old 10-01-2007, 05:54 PM   #15
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Re: First time post: Hydrocodone....one day at a time.

Hello ms

I want to let you know how much I admire your conviction to get off and stay off the hydrocodone. For me it was oxycodone and Xanax. It took me many many months to taper off first the oxycodone and then the Xanax. It was not something I ever would choose for myself certainly. To understand that these narcotics can get a hold of any single person is an important understanding for sure. No one starts out in life with a wish to be a scum bag junkie, but there, save for the grace of God, goes each and every one of us on this board. Perhaps our circumstances in getting hooked vary, but once hooked, we are all in the same boat and withdrawal is the same for all of us. I am happy to tell you that however hard I had to struggle to get past the drugs, I have done it, I am happy and productive again, and I have much hope for all who sincerely try that it can happen for each of us.

It takes time, Friend, a lot of time to balance out and for our bodies and brains to restore and renew themselves to functioning without the drugs. A great thread to read no matter where in detox we are is the Sample Home Detox near the top of this board. The vitamins and supplements can be so very, very helpful in helping the body restore itself.

Pshysical cravings can take a while to go away as the body cells are calling for the narcotics they are used to getting. The last searches the body makes are in the deep muscle tissue and this can cause some pain. Just work with it and understand it for what it is. Anxiety and emotions become high... accept this also and get as physical as you can to ward this off. Cry when necessary... good relief God built into us to cope. Smiles.

Ge a plan to stay off and stick with it. We need outside support for a long long time, sometimes for always. Meetings if they are for us or social workers, psychitriac workers, whatever. This is not ever a walk we can walk alone.

It is good to see you here reaching out for help and offering support to others as well. God bless you in all your efforts to reclaim your life. You deserve it, your family fdeserves it. Talk with your wife about what is happeneing as well as to others. Perhaps encourage her perhaps to get to an Al-non or Nar-anon meeting. Understanding each other's struggles in this can only help.

Best, best wishes
reach

 
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