Hey everyone, this is my first time using this site, and thread. But I feel I need to get some things of my chest about my addiction that maybe fellow recovers can understand, and maybe lend some of their advice.
I started using marijuana in June 2005, I was 28. First it was just at night times, then it turned into a few during the day, now I'm an addict. Hopefully a recovering one. The reason I started was because my ex hubby and I had a boarder staying with us, one night my ex and her thought it would be a good idea to make a bong. The green was easily accessible as I already had some in the house, cause I used to make muffins with it. My first ever cone went down as smooth as the last one I had. Anyway by the time September came along it wasn't that bad, but I'd had had enough of the boarder sucking us financially dry and her always putting herself before my own boys, so I kicked her out. Five days later my hubby left me. The day after he left my dad gave me $100 to buy food, but instead I brought green.
From there the smoking got worse, to the point that I would smoke it like I was smoking a cigarette. For example, after dinner, after sex, after getting home, before going out etc. At the beginning it was good, friends would come over and smoke with me. I was living in the garage, where it was all kept, and where people smoked and drank. Then I realised in May last year that I had a problem, and decided it was time to quit, so my ex bf and I went away for 10 days and I detoxed. When I came home it wasn't there anymore and I didn't need it.
Three and a half months later, I was having cravings, I was depressed, and wanted a smoke. So I went over to my friends place, and had a cone, I remember how relaxed and complete I felt. So my friends other half had to go buy some and asked me if I needed any, well of course I did!!!! The next day I went shopping, new bong, lighter, and grinder, I was set to start smoking again, so I did. This time I smoked in my bathroom, so the kids wouldn't see it. Wasn't till one day that my eldest turned to me and said, "You smoked a bong, and put marijuana in it!" it was like being slapped in the face. So I decided when this quarter was gone, I was quitting. So I did, and it was easy. I packed it all up, put it in a bag, and my ex bf went and put it all in a bin some where, while I cleaned the bathroom, to make a new beginning. I was fine, even at new years I could have a few cones and be fine, go home, and no cravings.
January this year, I met my now boyfriend. About two months ago the cravings started again, to the point that it was almost like I had just quit, and was still trying to change my routine. A month ago we went to a friends of mine and I had a few cones, and it was so good, that relaxed feeling was back. Four days later I had brought it all again(much to the boyfriends disgust)!
This time around has been the worse, the "need" for it, I started to miss work, my eldest told me my bedroom smelt like how the garage used to smell, the bf was always saying I smelt, and I knew it had had a hold on me, and I had to do something.
It's been six days since my last cone, I just bit that bullet, and threw it all out. This afternoon is the best I have felt in about 2 months. I'm going to my first NA meeting tomorrow, I think now it's time to REALLY do something about it. As I figured out the times I have started to smoke again, it has been September! So I know it has something to do with the month, my hubby leaving, and I want to stop the yearly cycle.
ATM I'm going thru the sweats, the sleepless nights, I'm agitated, I'm thirsty and constantly feel sick. It is getting better. I've started to take St Johns Wort, which is prob why I feel good this afternoon. Now I'm just figuring out why I'm here, what do I want from life. I'm a mum, a new aunty, a gf, and the rest, so I'm working on being the best I can be at them. It's nice to be able to spend time with my kids, not be to stoned in bed, and not smelling like smoke, not trying to hide it when people come over, not having a smoke and thinking why am I doing this to myself.
Well I'm hoping the meetings will help, and this site, as the few stories I have already read have helped.
Thanx for letting me babble on and get my story out! (I needed it )
Lady
