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Old 10-02-2007, 08:15 PM   #1
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who am I fooling?

I've been without hydrocodone for about 5 weeks now. I was taking about 2 a day, sometimes 4, for 2 yrs. My addiction started after a surgery. They made me feel so much better. When my dr would not prescribe anymore, I found other ways of getting them. I also have clonazepam and ambien prescribed sparingly by my dr who does not know of my addiction. She put me on Paxil yrs ago for anxiety. I ran out of hydro 5 weeks ago and did'nt even realize my headaches, fatigue, stomach problems, complete lack of appetite and body aches were withdrawal. I've lost alot of weight recently and people have noticed because my clothes are too big. I saw my dr who determined my problem was depression. I was depressed because I had lost a friend to a horrible death from breast cancer in June. My dr did bloodwork to check for problems and prescribed cymbalta. Bloodwork came back wiht high sugar so I need to go for a fasting glucose test. The cymbalta seemed to work for a few weeks but the past few days have been unbearable. I am depressed, anxious and feel like I just cannot go on with life. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to kill myself or anything but I just can't stand the way I feel. Nobody knows of my addiction except the people on this board. I cannot let my family know, I just can't. I'm too ashamed and they would be too horrified. My Mom was an RN and daughters hate druggies (somehow I raised incredible daughters). My husband knows I like pain killers but is clueless as to how much. When I ran out of they hydro I ordered more and should have them in the mail any day. I hope they don't come but everyday I can't wait to check the mail. I want them soooo bad. I want to feel happy again. I don't want to take them but I do! I hate myself for wanting them so bad. I've been replying to threads, encouraging people and congratulating them for kicking the habit but here I sit crying because I am so miserable. I pretend to be happy and function well at work but am screaming inside. Sorry for the depressing post. I just had to tell someone how I am feeling and hope I don't bring anyone else down who's trying to kick the habit.

Last edited by moderator2; 10-06-2007 at 06:58 AM. Reason: remove white space

 
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:24 PM   #2
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spark-o-cet HB User
Re: who am I fooling?

sorry you feel so bad,but there are many different ads on the market and most work differently than the other.i would try this before i went back to hydros.5wks clean is amazing,i would kill to have that.try to excercise if at all possible.maybe sugar is causing some of this.good luck-spark

 
Old 10-03-2007, 05:49 AM   #3
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Re: who am I fooling?

I just read your post and it gave me chills.... I was never addicted to hydrocodone but my addictions to other things made me feel the exact same way you do now. I've now been in recovery for almost 4 years and feel amazing, even on not so great days. What I discovered was that I was so full of fear about everything that I couldn't walk out into the world that completely terrified me and live comfortably sober. I had to have something in me at all times or else I was miserable. I had no peace inside... alcohol and drugs made my world a prettier place to be while at the same time sucking the life right out of me....

You weren't meant to be in this world and be miserable. If you want the help it's there, you just need to ask and even though asking for help is hard, it's the only thing you'll ever have to do alone again... I'll keep you in my prayers. Please take care and keep reaching out.

Last edited by moderator2; 10-03-2007 at 06:41 AM. Reason: Please do not post websites except as described in the posting policy section titled "How to share information".

 
Old 10-03-2007, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: who am I fooling?

granny, I know how you are feeling. Well from what you wrote it seems like I feel the same way. The only difference is I'm tapering so I'm still on the fentanyl patch, going down again in 1 day, and Cymbalta did not work for me. I keep reading that the first couple of months are the worse. I felt better for two days so I can't imagine that after a couple weeks of feeling better you feel as though you are right where you were before. It's awful I know. One thing, if I remember that helps is to talkk to my addiction as if it were living in the wrong place. Like I tell my "brain" that if it wants to think and feel negatively, fine but I am living in a positive state and its on its way. Usually when I stop fighting it, it goes away. I don't think I made any sense. I'm trying to give advice that I cant always do. Also I am glad you posted, I now know I'm not alone but will pray for you.
I hope you feel better soon, maybe this time it won't last as long.

 
Old 10-03-2007, 06:35 AM   #5
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Re: who am I fooling?

Hello Granny

I came off oxycodone and then Xanax. tapers. Just wanted to say that I think that many of us ( me included) go into detox and have no real concept of how long it takes to truly get to a point of living in recovery. I am living in recovery now, but only recently have I truly felt capable of meeting life head on without that sense of fear (yes, I understand that feeling well). It is October now, and I began detox last year in October... yep, a year. One time a great poster named Philster told me that it takes up to a full year to really feel great. This is true. However, it is a year's worth of getting progressively better and better and feeling more and more confident. The bad times get les and less and further and further apart.

Captnanny... I, too, had an ongoing battle for the upperhand with my brain! Like you, it was constantly acknowledging that my brain was thinking negatively on one plane, but that I was going to move forward on another plane. The thoughts do eventually coincide with the committment if we do all we can to stay strong in our committment.

Fear and doubt are depression thoughts... phony ones, evil ones, that can cause us to fall if we believe them. Detox brings on depression. Know that they are false thoughts from a brain that is trying to get the drugs again, that's all. Just a process, just a process. Let the process happen and understand it from those who have gone through it already. I had to clutch tightly what others shared with me to maintain the hope that I could and would get better. I did and I am well now. It can happen for you, too. Truly it can. The depression slowly, slowly dissapates and we progressively find a life without fear that we did live before. Remember it? It can be yours again.

We absolutley must perservere during these cravings and times of thinking we can not make it. We can. I can, you can. It is survival and we all have a built in instinct to survive.

When those pills show up, refuse delivery or, if they are left in the mailbox, destroy them immediately. Do not take even one. Do not let stupid depression thoughts undo all of the hard work. Five weeks clean already! You are not dead from fear or detox... you are alive and will begin to thrive if you can remember with hope that it can and does happen.

Stay strong.

With all hope
reach

 
Old 10-03-2007, 07:52 AM   #6
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Re: who am I fooling?

granny,

I am still in the midst of doing my long taper but am getting to the end now, the stage where you forget to take you "scheduled" dose..........it feels good.

This is the first time in 3 loooong years that I have not watched the clock and have known exactly what time it is.....funny

I have no idea if these little tips will work for you or not, but here are a few things I am doing. I have battled severe anxiety for years due to childhood trauma so I am really trying to keep depression and anxiety at bay.

I am walking 3 miles a day, no matter how bad I don't want to some days, but it helps so much. Even just to get out of the house and walk..........you don't have to count distance, just put distance between you and the "mess"..I am also taking a real good group of supplements from my dr. They are B12 dots for stress and energy, Super B complex, Vitamin E, Alpha lipolic acid, Milk Thistle, Calcium Magnesium and Zinc and 2000mgs of Vitamin C. I have felt so much better because my body is being replenished with nutrients and the B vitamins really do give you a bit of energy and help rebuild your brain receptors. Can you give some of this a try, just to see.................I know recovery is a long process and don't forget about PAWS creeping in

I hope you can toss that evil delivery away if it arrives. Just destroy it before ever letting it in your house........................5 weeks is a lifetime when you have gotten this far.

Best wishes,
Karen

 
Old 10-03-2007, 10:52 AM   #7
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mudbone HB User
Re: who am I fooling?

Granny, You gave me words of encouragement with your 5 weeks. I am only 1 week and would love to be in your shoes. Please dont blow this chance you have. If you take that shipment, trust me it will not be enough, and then that train starts chugging along, before you know it your dose is so high that when you do detox its that much worse. I just did it and wouldnt wish that pain on Osama BL- well yes I do! LOL, But point is your clean now and getting better, dont take those 10 steps back! I am pulling for ya!

 
Old 10-03-2007, 07:59 PM   #8
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Re: who am I fooling?

Thank you all so much for your kind words, suggestions and encouragement. I will try the supplements suggested. I do talk to my brain. I scream at it - stop it, stop it! I'm very emotional today. My oldest daughter just flew to Las Vegas today to work for a month on a movie being filmed there, all by herself. She's in the film business and will be there for a month or so. I'm so excited for her but crying. She is so independant but I am a wreck over her being there. Been watching too much CSI, I guess. I have had the headache from hell today. Advil didn't touch the pain. It is finally subsiding and I thank God that my shipment did not come because I know I would have taken it for the pain. I hope I have been ripped off and nothing is coming in the mail. I am trying to hang in there. I am begging God to help me. I read a post from diesel a few days ago that brought me to tears. I was sitting at my computer crying and one of my cats that never sits on my lap came in, climbed onto my lap and started purring as if to comfort me. I'm not a real religous person but have to wonder if God didn't send him to me at that moment.
JB

 
Old 10-04-2007, 03:55 AM   #9
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Re: who am I fooling?

Granny,
there have been so many words of encouragement on this post for you. I hope you don't mind but I took some for my own. I really hope you don't take those pills that you sent away for. This is possible. Read and reread reach's post. That made a difference for me. We can do this, be grateful that you had a couple of weeks in between the next wave. If you think that this stuff will just instantly disappear it won't. It's not like the drugs we use to make things instantly disappear. What I am trying to do, it doesn't always work is instead of yelling at my head to stop saying this horrible stuff, I thank it and God or whoever for allowing me to laugh at something even if it was only for a minute. It's better than 1 week ago when i was so depressed I couldn't barely walk. I had two good days, went completely backwards and seriously thought I was going to die. My dr. tells me that no one dies from not taking drugs or from the withdrawal people choose to die by killing themselves. I don't want to die. I don't want to kill myself. Maybe by taking those stupid pills i was trying to kill myself. Anyway, stay with us, I guess it gets better. Everyone has said it will let us both trust them and be grateful for the little things like a smile, laugh or a little less misery.

 
Old 10-05-2007, 05:26 PM   #10
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Re: who am I fooling?

Hey CaptNanny, thanks for your post. I've been on Cymbalta (for the depression)for 3 weeks now and am beginning to wonder if it's not making me worse. I've had insomnia worst than usual for a week and horrible headaches for the past 3 days. Am an emotional wreak. I had to leave work today at 2:00 because I was having an anxiety attack, crying and could not deal with the stress and harrassment on a particular deal I was working on. I feel like I am falling apart and know that if I had some hydro I'd take it. I've been off it 5 weeks now and am not even proud of myself because I want it so bad. It's a long weekend now with Columbus Day so I'm hoping 3 days away from the hell hole will help. If I continue to feel this way I'm calling my dr (who knows nothign of my addiction) Tuesday to see if I can switch meds.

 
Old 10-06-2007, 05:46 AM   #11
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Re: who am I fooling?

granny0, I'm glad you replied. I was worried about you because I haven't seen you post anything on this board lately. First did the pills come in the mail? I hope not. Second, have you ever had a bad reaction to medication before. Some people, like me can do really well on only the serotonin reuptake medication like paxil, prozac, lexapro. Others do better with the neuropenephrine and serotonin. Cymbalta has both. the Neur thingy is supposed to help for pain. I have had severe anxiety, irrational thoughts, crying for no reason when I am on them. I wish I could take them then maybe I wouldn't be an addict. Just kidding. Anyway when i was on cymbalta the reactions that you described were the ones I had. I related it to a two year old throwing a temper tantrum 24/7.
I am not a doctor. i would talk to yours. I am just telling you what happened to me when I went on cymbalta and why.

 
Old 10-06-2007, 06:17 AM   #12
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Re: who am I fooling?

Hey CaptNanny, how sweet of you to worry about me! No, the pills have not come and at this point, I'm thinking they won't. Hopefully I was ripped off. I am definately calling my dr Tuesday (or maybe she'll be there Mon. Columbus day). The headaches have become a daily misery and advil does not touch the pain so I'm thinking it may be the Cymbalta causing them. The insomnia (even with ambien) is awful. What I would'nt do for just 8 hrs of sleep! I have not posted any new threads but have been posting alot on others. When my head is not killing me, this board has become my lifeline. I've also been posting replies to people on the anxiety board because I suffer from that also. The only good thing is the weight I've lost because of no appetite. Down to 125 and have not been that slim since 1990
Thanks so much for your support and concern.
Love,
JB

 
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