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Old 10-04-2007, 06:59 PM   #1
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Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hi Maggs,

Hope you're doing well.... what dose are you on now? When i dont hear from you i always imagine that things are going well because most of the time we come on here to ask questions b/c something is wrong.... so i hope yours is good news....
I went to the neurologist and she diagnosed me with cluster migraines. well, they havent stopped, not yet. she wanted to put me on some type of steroid, but since i am competing in two weeks, and ive worked hard to be able to do it, i cant take the steroids b/c i will be tested and i cant come up positive for them. i dont even know if they would show up like the performance enhancing kind, and niether did the doc, but i cant take the chance. so she gave me a shot of toradol, and some zomig (nothing new for me) and some kind of muscle relaxor. she told me the muscle relaxor will make me tired. like i really need to be more tired during the day !!!

anyway, im just keepin on with my 2 and 2mg. waiting for a break in this unfortunately painful month for me. after the competition i will consider the steroids. or she said i could come in to the hospital for three hours a day to get iv meds.
i know you have a lot of experience with the migraines, so tell me, have you done any of this stuff? does it work?

im gonna go hit it now, im so tired, and my head hurts. i will write more when im a little more lively, k?

hope to hear from you soon !!!

hugs,

michelle

 
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Old 10-05-2007, 08:53 AM   #2
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hey Girl,
I've been thinking about u and wanting to write, but to be honest, i've been feeling pretty icky past few days and haven't had energy. Not good news....i know!
I'm down to 1.5mg right now, although it's so hard to know exactly when it's down to taking crumbles. But i do know it's less than 2mg. I lowered to
1.5mg two days ago...and i'm feeling it already. I feel shaky, nervous, anxious, weak and cannot sleep. I LITERALLY woke up every 5 min. last night. To those who don't know about withdrawl, they would think i'm exaggerating, but as u know, i'm not. And it was hell on earth.
Sooooo frustrating when u r sooo tired yet can't sleep more than few minutes at a time. I even took OTC sleeping med. and it only worked for about 2hrs.
My Mom has some OLD zanax (expired 3 yrs. ago) but i'm so desperate for some relief of the anxiety i'll ask her for a few. I don't worry about getting addicted to them, bcuz i make sure i don't take them daily (i switch them up with OTC meds.) and i don't personally get anything out of them except sleepiness....and like u said, i don't need any help in that department.
I'm just trying to get thru this..and not give up like i did last time. Remember i took that week off work, only to go back to 3mg bcuz i couldn't stand it.
THANKFULLY i work for my Dad, who is probably still frustrated with me, but is trying to be understanding with me not being my best and missing a bit of work here and there.
So please say a prayer for me, I so want to get thru this so i can try for baby. And it is so hard to stay focused and not want to take more just to feel better!
I'm so sorry about your headaches sweetie, boy do i know what your feeling! I've had a constant headache also for about 2wks. I've been taking massive amounts of ibuprophen, but i'm worried bcuz i've had a bleeding ulcer before and my stomach has been bothering me. But i feel like i don't really care at the moment when i'm hurting so bad and just want relief.
I've taken torodol (gave myself the shots) and zomig (i think that's what u said),,,,,they do work. The torodol is basically really strong advil. As far as the steroids go, yes they work like a miracle. So once your done with training, get that done bcuz it has helped me tremendously in past. My Dad takes them once in a while too...it helps break up a bad cycle of on-going headaches. So atleast u can look forward to some relief!
Write back soon....i want to talk more but have to work.
Thanks for checking up on me. I appreciate it so much!
And i have more to share, but i'll writ emore later.
love, mags

 
Old 10-05-2007, 05:22 PM   #3
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hello my suboxone sisters! MAGGIE, how long were you on 2mgs? Im having trouble staying at 3! This is awful. But this weekend Im going to stay at three and then drop to 2mgs maybe wednesday, then I will drop to 1.5mg in a week. I have to start dropping because Im running out of sub. My issue is that i want to be clean before my bday in Dec. and the New Year. Have you tried seroquel or clonidine? Thats what i have. I have 25mgs of the seroquel and i have to bite them in half because they are too strong for me. They keep me sleeping all night but groggy in the morning. They are supposed to be non-addicting. Im sorry youre feeling bad, I know what a pain this is. I have lots of books and movies for when i jump off sub--and seroquel and clondine. Good luck-- MICHELLE, good luck to you to. I forgot if you told me but how long do you plan on staying on sub? Just curious. Have a great weekend everyone!

 
Old 10-05-2007, 09:29 PM   #4
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hey Rosetat:....And ALSO MICHELLE since i need some advice/support:

I've been on the 2mg for about 1 1/2 wks. I dropped to about 1.5mg 2 days ago. I feel so ashamed and horrible right now bcuz i took 2.5mg today..
I was having such a hard time today with anxiety, which i can normally handle,,,but then around 5pm i started feeling REALLY depressed. I have depression even when not withdrawaling, so it is really bad for me. I felt so down, like i had a dark cloud following me and i couldn't snap out of it.
So i gave in and took that extra 1mg. Now i feel like crap and i hate this!!!!
Another thing is that I lowered my anti-dep. to 10mg (from 20mg) about 2months ago bcuz my doc. wanted me to be on as low a dose as i can handle bcuz i want to get prego. Well i've been doing fine on that 10mg, until the past few days. I usually start feeling down at nighttime, but tonight it was unbearable. So i also decided that i'd go back up to 20mg until i'm done with this tapering so that i don't put too much stress on myself right now.
I know that the 20mg will get in my system and start to make me feel better, but i just couldn't handle it tonight and i took that extra 1mg.
So i'm feeling guilty and like i have set myself back. I'm planning on going right back to 1.5mg tomorrow and i hope i can stick to it.
It's so hard bcuz my husband works so much and when he is home, it is frustrating for him and me when i'm sick/depressed. And i want to be at my best so we can spend some quality time together.....but it's hard when i'm going thru this. Plus, it doesn't help that he's always in a good mood, never sick, and has no clue what depression is like. So i know he must get frustrated with me......AND to top it off....i have NO LIBIDO and have had NONE for months!!!!!
Blah, blah, blah....i'm crying the blues tonight, but i hope tomorrow is better.
ROSEY, keep at it....i swear this is true: if I CAN DO IT, ANYONE CAN! I just need to prove to myself that I CAN! I've failed consistently at everything ive tried in life, and i'm full of self-doubt. But i'm trying to work on that and fill myself with positive self-talk instead of the constant berating of myself.
So i'm planning on dropping to 1mg very soon....i know that rushing it isn't probably the best idea, but at this point with me feeling yucky anyways, it seems more worth it to hurt worse for a shorter period of time than to keep stretching it out.
I didn't sleep last night, woke up every few minutes tossing and turning.....and that greatly affects my next day. I woke up today feeling fatigued and weak and worse headache bcuz of crappy sleep.
Please keep me in your prayers and i will keep praying for you guys also. I can't WAIT for the day when i can come on here and FINALLY be proud of myself for something!!
Let's do this together and support eachother! Subaxone Sisters!!!!

 
Old 10-05-2007, 10:51 PM   #5
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

mag your just gonna have to buckle down and go with it.there is gonna be some long term side effects from opiate abuse and from the suboxone.if you dont get something going for you soon im afraid you may be headed for a relapse.this is the time to do something.figure it out and do it.good luck-spark

 
Old 10-06-2007, 06:09 AM   #6
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hello Maggie

Just stopping in with my two cents of encouragement here. Smiles.

Maggie, yes, withdrawal is hell on earth and can not be even truly imagined unless we have been there. It is a torment and can take us to the limits of our endurance. However, we can do it because our endurance is much greater than we know and we can not truly imagine the limits of it until it gets tested like this. There were many times when I thought I just could not go on any longer in my tapers, when I thought this is beyond the scope of my, of anybody's ability to withstand. It was at those times when I had to let my committment to getting off narcotics be my overriding force of survival. "Do this or die trying because I will certainly die if I don't get off them." And I would have died spiritually, and maybe even physically, if I had not followed through.

We survive the sleeplessness, the horrible fatigue and the emotional turmoil of it, Maggie. As bad, as crummy, as horrible as it may be, we can survive it to come out on this other side where drugs no longer control our every minute of life. I swear this to you. Stay strong, stay committed, and every time the suffering hits, think of spending the days ahead happy again, sleeping normally, maybe even rocking that baby. Smiles. This is what waits ahead for each of us when we let our endurance be tested and we allow the process of detox and withdrawal to be completed so we can move into recovery and happiness again.

Hugs
reach

 
Old 10-06-2007, 01:18 PM   #7
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hi All:
SPARKS: Thank you for responding.....even though it was a little blunt/harsh . I know i need to buckle down and stick to this. I want this so badly, but when we're in the throes of depression/anxiety, it is so easy to "forget" how badly we want it. Honestly, if it weren't for the fact that i want to try for a baby, i'd probably stay on a low dose of sub. for as long as i felt need be. But having a family has always been a dream of mine, and i'm willing to suffer to make that dream come true.
I know that most of you will be thinking "you shouldn't do it for a baby, u should be doing it for yourself"....but I feel like having this dream as a motivator, is helping me become a better person in every way. Since i have chronic DAILY headaches/migraines, and the sub. was helping with that as well as the cravings, i don't feel guilty for taking it or needing to be on it.
I've watched my Father suffer for 30 YEARS with constant head/migraines....and i've seen him in so much pain and at times talk of suicide just to get some break from it. And i have also experienced those feelings of wanting to end it bcuz i can't handle the constant pain, which makes u more fatigued, and more depressed. So i'm so thankful that he's found Sub. and is FINALLY for once in his 60 years on earth, able to function and live without taking 20 Vicoden a day, or even worse 3 IMITREX (when the MAX dose of that is 1 A WEEK!!!!!).
But i'm determined to make this work. As i said in my previous posts...i feel like i'm unable to accomplish anything i set out to do (whether that be a diet, or exercising, or getting clean). And i know that my Higher Power has a plan for me and it does not include suffering, or constant pain...so I have to keep the faith that He will carry me thru this.

REACHEY-BABY! I've missed you so much! I was so hoping that you'd read my post last night.....since i haven't seen you around much i didn't know if you'd read it.
Thank you for the continued support and hope!
I'm starting over today and plan on going right back to the 1.5mg. I decided to go back to my normal 20mg of Lexapro to see me thru this withdrawal and then i'd lower it to 10mg. So i took the 20mg last night and my hubby rented a really funny movie to lift my spirits. We laughed and laughed and by the end of the movie i felt like a new woman! Just reminds me that "this to shall pass" and i need to be more patient when i'm feeling depressed/anxious/angry and know that i'll move thru it. I've been making more of an effort to stop myself when i'm feeling really bad, and pray. And it is amazing to see how much more peace i feel when i'm not doing it ALL BY MYSELF. When i can reach out to God and ask him to carry me when i feel weak.
And for me, that's the most important piece of this puzzle i'm trying to fill.....re-establishing my relationship with Higher Power and working on my spiritual-health. Bcuz, FOR ME, when my spiritual health is lacking, everything else falls apart.
I'm trying to get my husband to be more involved with me on an emotional level. He's so high-energy and carefree, that it's hard for him to slow down and truely understand the feelings i'm going thru. We're complete opposites...although we have the same goals and dreams. But it's hard to lean on him when he's so ADD at times and just doesn't seem to be able to deal very well with stressful things. He just wants me to be better...and doesn't understand how this isn't a "quick fix". You'd think he'd understand completely, being a recovering addict himself (3yrs clean this month!!)...but he came off cocaine, and had barely any withdrawals. And has had NO issues staying clean or with cravings.
So i'm trying to get him to communicate better during this. I just don't want him to begin to resent me. He's good at not facing things and pushing them under the rug. I took out mine and his folder from each of our previous stay in rehab...and i'm going over the paper work and looking for things to highlight and remind him of how this takes time and how I need to heal.
Sorry to make this so long! I haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to update you. And next thing i know i've written a book!
Thanks again ReachABLE!!! I'm sending hugs and prayers your way

 
Old 10-07-2007, 09:13 AM   #8
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Howdy-do, Maggie Doodles

This is reachey-baby. Hahaha. You really made me laugh. My 17 year old neice was reading over my shoulder as I was reading your post ( she is totally aware of my whole deal and this sharing with her of it has been great for both of us). I tried to explain about our silliness with the screen names here, but she just rolled her eyes at me. Chuckles. I even explained about your dog and all, but the eyeballs just kept on rolling. Awww, as long as she is getting the bigger message about drugs here.

And it is amazing to see how much more peace i feel when i'm not doing it ALL BY MYSELF. When i can reach out to God and ask him to carry me when i feel weak.
And for me, that's the most important piece of this puzzle i'm trying to fill.....re-establishing my relationship with Higher Power and working on my spiritual-health. Bcuz, FOR ME, when my spiritual health is lacking, everything else falls apart.


Maggie, on a serious note here.... my spiritualness was the last to reawaken in my own journey and it is what I think I had missed the most in my isolated state of drug use, abuse and detox. It was the last piece of recovery to fall into place. Oh, I wanted it and wanted it badly, but it just seemed so elusive at times for so long. I didn't feel abandoned by God as much as I felt I could not reconnect and restablish my committment to Him. As I tapered off, my thinking became clearer and clearer about this and finally I realized that it had been my thinking that was not just clouded, but it was thinking I had to actively participate in changing. How did this happen? By forcing myself into prayer even when it was not necessarily coming naturally. I often did it by rote... saying the things I had learned as a child. Then gradually, I began to talk, to converse, more and more from my heart. And it all came back like learning to ride a bike again after many years of not riding. The ability is still there, it might be wobbly at first, but it all comes back strong again with practice.

I understand and accept fully, fully at this pouint that God often sends people to us during our struggles to act on His behalf. We have to be open to this idea, to give thanks when we recognize it happening. Oh, they can come in all shapes and sizes, from all over the place. The board, perhaps, a grocery store, a passing comment by the mailman, a support meeting. Just anywhere, at any time. And each time it happens, we are made a little stroger by the recognition that this person is acting , maybe with never knowing, as an agent to help us into recovery. Each time, we gain a bit more strength... baby steps in strenghth, you know?

I am so happy as I read more and more how your thinking seems to be evolving in stronger, better ways. You are so much stronger than when the Board first met you.. so much more open and honest about what goes on in that noggin of yours. You are so on the verge of making it happen, really making it happen for yourself. It's like a rebirth, Maggie. No other way to explain it... all the found again happiness and jo that comes. All the living and thriving again. No longer afraid of our futures, no longer afraid of facing each new day, but rather looking forward to it.

I am very happy to read you went back up to the prescribed dosage on the Lexapro. It happens to be what I am on also. Same dose, too. It is the highest recommended dose, but so what? I have intentions of coming down on it, off even at some point... way in the future. One thing, one day, at a time. I will continue to take a long break to let my body restore itself as fully as possible before I tackle the Lexapro. I do not see it as a big deal except for the fact that I believe it contributes to insomnia for me. But I am nowhere near ready to handle a taper from it. Although it is not an opiate, withdrawal from it is difficult indeed. I have tried long before I began the Oxycodone and Xanax tapers and know from experience how quickly the depressive symptoms can arise again. I tried just stopping it, with no knowledge, no experience, and with doctors who did not understand first hand how hard it was to do. I was a blubbering mess within two weeks. So now, with experience with withdrawal, with knowledge forund by researching withdrawal from it, I will enter into it mope armed. And I will begin it when I feel really strong again and capable of withstanding another drug taper.

I hope you can continue to share gently with Hubby in the current taper. I am sure it is stressful for him, but I am also sure that it was stressful for you as you stood by him in his detox and withdrawal. The process can feel diffrent for each of us, but we all need support throughout it. Remind him of this, remind him that marriage is a two way support system. And Maggie? Remind yourself that we are overemotional and sensitive throughout the process. Do not let hurt get in your way as a block to recovery. You, Hubby... you will both make it through this and sometime before long, find yourselves a ahppier, healthier family unit than ever before.. ready to fulfill those mutual dreams and goals.

Okay, I am off to a pumpkin farm today. Hahaha! A pumpkin farm... that was about as much in my thoughts a year ago as being a ballet dancer with half a leg missing was. Chuckles. I still have no thoughts of being a ballet dancer, but a pumpkin sounds pretty delightful.

Hugs
reach

 
Old 10-08-2007, 10:46 AM   #9
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hi everyone. Im really having a hard time with this taper. I keep going back to my supply and counting and recounting and taking an extra chip of sub then recounting and making piles, etc. Its so annoying. Im such an addict. Im not good at all with this slow torture deal, being slightly sick until days later off sub then BAM... I cant even get stabilezed. The rate Im going Ill be on 2mgs of sub when i jump. Ive read another forum where this guy was on sub for 2 years and jumped at 2mgs and he got through it. I know its going to be hard-- I just hate the situation Ive put myself in. I really miss my relationship with my God too. I pray all the time but I feel covered in a fog, a film or something that is blocking me from absorbing reality and God's messages and love. I feel bad complaining because there are people out there that are so much worse off. Anyway, thats it for now. Good luck Maggie and Michelle and anyone else suffering from drug abuse or withdrawal. yuck.

 
Old 10-08-2007, 05:44 PM   #10
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hi Maggs, Rose, all,

hey maggie, i hope everything has stabilized for you now. im glad you didnt stay on only 10mg lexapro. better to do one thing at a time is right. im sure that your little "spike" didnt hurt too much, so dont worry about it.
ive been just trying to deal with these headaches still. the doc said something about taking only 10 zomig in a one month period and ive been taking one almost every day. im almost out of them. i dont have an appt with her for two more weeks, so i'll have to call and see what to do. i just wake up every morning with a really sick headache. i cant eat because im so naseous.. ugh. i have to lose weight for the competition anyway, but that does involve eating healthy, not "not eating"....
oh well, im still on 2 and 2 and i've actally skipped a couple doses latey so im ready to go down to 3, which i am going to do starting tomorrow. ill let you know how it goes.
tell me about whats going on with you ?

im gonna go hit it now, im BEAT !!! lol

TALK SOON,

HUGS AND LOTS OF THEM !!!! MICHELLE

 
Old 10-10-2007, 11:37 AM   #11
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hi All:
I want to write to you all, but I just responded to another thread and i'm feeling so fatigued and have to lay down. So i'll sum it up quick and then write more later.
Headaches are horrendous right now.....having to take ibuprofen every single day. Which isn't helping my stomach (had ulcer few yrs. ago and had 3 units of blood bcuz of it!).
But at this point, there is nothing else that helps.
I'm very cranky and tired, but that is probably not helped by having PMS
I'm still on 1.5mg-2mg....and i say that bcuz there has been a day or two when i know i took 2mg. I'm trying, but i'm feeling defeated right now.
I feel like there isn't going to come a day when i WON"T be able to handle NOT taking some sub. I have to be honest and say that i feel like HELL all morning until i take my 1st 1mg.
I can't possibly see how i can go 24-48 hours like some suggest between dose when i can't keep my eyes open or fully wake up until i've taken that 1mg. I'm THAT dependent on it! Is it all in my head???? I don't know, but i do know that it's freakin' hard to function without having that late morning dose to depend on.
I'm just emotional today.......hormones are flyin' and i could crawl in a hole and not come out at this point. I feel like running away somewhere - or better yet, checking myself into a hospital so i can be comfortable and be FORCED to get off this last 2mg AND quit smoking all in one. I live right near a hospital, and i'm embarassed to admit that whenever i drive past it, i get this longing inside me that wishes i were in a bed, having a nurse wait on me and coming off this in peace (not having to work) and quickly.
Now you guys know how insane i am!
I'm gonna go lay down now.....I'll write more tomorrow. I miss you guys and wish i could talk to you in person.......I'm such a wah-wah girl
My husband is walking on egg-shells knowing that i'm PMS'ing ,heeheehee
Gotta give em' hell sometimes right???

 
Old 10-10-2007, 12:00 PM   #12
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Re: Maggerooni, where is you? LOL

Hey everyone
Im pmsing too maggie-- and I feel the same as you as far as everything you are feeling. I cant get below 2mgs-- i hate the way i feel too-- waking up with that anxiety, tremory sweat--Its not bad though--just enough to aggravate me. oh well. i dont want to be stuck on this. I want to experience the freedom that people who are clean talk about. good luck to everyone

 
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