It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-06-2007, 02:06 PM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 34
sweetsurrender7 HB User
Exclamation Need advice - please help.

Hello all,

This may be a bit long but I want to give you all the full picture so please bear with me.

I am 23 years old and live with my fiancee. He is an ex-herion addict and alcoholic. Since we've been together he drinks quite heavily and since we moved to NYC several months ago I have noticed some changes. His eyes were always looking like pinpoints and money was constantly disappearing. He made strange phone calls and tried to keep it from me. Finally I found drugs hidden in the car. It was heroin, although he insisted it was speed. Several weeks later he finally admitted he had a problem, after I cried and cried and begged for him to be honest. He told me he was back on heroin (he is 30, and quit about 6 years ago) and that he wanted to clean up. He cried to me, apologized for all the lies and for what he was doing. A close friend of his and I sat down with him and told him we were there for him, but he had to clean his act up. He agreed. He detoxed for about 5 days, vomitting non-stop, having the chills, etc. His eyes finally returned to normal. He ended up losing his job because he was too sick to work.

This was two weekends ago. Over the last few days I have noticed that his eyes have tiny pupils again. $20 went missing out of my purse, and another $20 I gave him is gone as well. Claims he "lost" it. Whenever I try and talk to him about what is going on he screams at me that he is off drugs and to leave him alone. He calls me horrible names and makes me cry and I feel so lost and scared. I tell him I am just concerned and I want him to be open with me. He says he is not using. I asked him to get a drug test and he said if I try and make him do that he will leave me.

I don't know what to do. I am pretty positive he is using again, and am afraid. He has a new job that he starts on Monday. I just want him to get the help he needs, but how can I help him when he won't admit he is using? I love him so much and don't want to lose him. He acts like someone I don't even know. He is very defensive and cruel. I am to the point where I want to tell his mom, but he told me he will leave me if I get her involved.

Advice anyone? Please, I am desperate. I have trouble eating and sleeping and am worried sick over this. Thank you.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-06-2007, 03:00 PM   #2
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Taunton, U.K.
Posts: 254
Xant HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

Sadly, you can't get him help...he really has to do that himself. Coming off the heroin is not the hard part, as you have found out, staying off it is. He can't do this on his own, he needs professional help and until he admits that and really wants to get clean, you can't do anything to help him.

You might have to practice some tough love here...he shouldn't be threatening to leave you...you should be the one leaving. Until he hits rock bottom and is near to losing everything, he probably won't admit to being stuck

I wish you luck with this, living with an addict will drag you down too...look after yourself in the first instance..perhaps he will see the light and get the help he needs before it's too late for your relationship.

 
Old 10-06-2007, 04:53 PM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Palm Springs
Posts: 24
StartingOver07 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

I feel for you my dear, and I totally relate to you about the defensive & cruel part. My father died last year at 57 from the affects of heroin and my Mom STAYED married to him for 35 years throughout his battle with addiction. Let me tell you, YOU CANT HELP HIM!!!!!!!! He can only help him. You need to deal with yourself and the issues at hand on why you would chose someone like this. Make arrangements to leave and tell him when he has a year you can talk, it most likely wont happen but you will have time to clarify and heal. My father put my Mom and I through the worst hell you could possibly imagine. My Mom was strugling to pay the bills (cause they NEVER can hold a job) and he STOLE all her rent money, our tv, and all her jewelery and some of mine too. I was 5 years old at the time. I knew what methadone maint. was at 6,as well as detoxing. Sick huh? This is the life you will have if you stay with him. My father died in jail 2 years ago cause he struck out from his drugs. The only time IN MY WHOLE life that I had a real relationship with him is when he was in prison cause he was forced to be clean. We are talking about THREE TIMES HE WENT BACK TO HEROIN. It is a nasty nasty drug that is very hard to quit and takes so much inner strength that your bf does not seen to have. I have to watch my poor mother suffer the loss and the pain he has inflicted on her throughout the 35 years and OMG is that difficult. There is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooo much pain, let down, regret, resentment, mental scars etc... the list goes on and on. This is a direct result of staying with a heroin addict. The decicsion seems pretty clear to me. Get out now my dear you are sooo young and still have the chance to meet a REAL boyfriend (not a user and abuser) that will treat you how a man should treat a woman. Only after you deal with YOUR issues first though will this happen. You are filling some kind of void, taking this abuse. Please take care of yourself, worry about yourself like you worry about him. Addicts are EXTREMELY selfish and only care about themselves and the next high and kiss there dealers ***. They treat there dealers better than there family ( sick sick sick sick) Ironicly, I married a drug addict and am going through the same thing except his drug of choice is methadone and klonopin. I married my father, except my husband can hold a job and supports our whole family and allows me to stay home with my two kids. I have decisions to make as well but you are sooo young and still have a chance to SAVE YOURSELF NOT HIM. Take care and good luck

 
Old 10-06-2007, 05:04 PM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 846
granny0 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

Starting over could not have said it better! Leave him now, before he brings you down with him.
JB

 
Old 10-06-2007, 10:14 PM   #5
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: FL USA
Posts: 419
maggie0704 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

Hello Sweetsurrender,
I feel so sad for you. And I could sit here and tell you to leave him bcuz that is what would be the only rational advice I could give.....but I understand that you love him and probably aren't willing to take this into consideration at this point.
But speaking from my own experience, I know in my heart that your fiance will NOT get better until HE is ready and He has had ENOUGH. And that's the sad truth...unfortunately.
No one can make an addict get better. THEY have to want it first. And it sounds to me like he isn't ready yet. He may be in time, but there are no guarantees. And it sounds like you are living in such pain to have to deal with constant worry and stress.
The others were right in saying that your still so young and you have your whole life ahead of you to find happiness. Do you really want to deal with this the rest of your life?? Bcuz I can only tell you the truth in saying that living with an addict is SO horrible and a constant rollercoaster.
My heart goes out to you bcuz i've been involved with guys in the past who i've loved so much, and tried to look past their major issues, but those issues always surfaced and ended in my heart breaking into pieces.
You do not want to start a life with someone who is so not ready to get sober and STAY sober. And you giving him an ultimatum will not work. It may work for a short period of time, but they always go back to using.
What I would suggest most importantly right now (if your not willing to leave him), is to find some Alanon meetings in your area. He does not have to know your even going to them. They are for family/friends/loved ones of an addict/alcoholic. And they teach you all about the addiction and how to understand how it all works. You should find these meetings to be a good place to share your problems openly and not be judged. And hopefully they will be of help in you making the best decisions for YOUR life.
You deserve to have a happy & healthy life. Whether or not that includes your finacee, you will have to decide. But the state he is in now is not healthy for you or your relationship.
Addiction is horrendous. And it is a VERY hard thing to triumph in.
Your not married yet and your already in such pain....and marriage creates a whole different kind of stress that needs to be entered into with total trust, faith, and love. And your fiancee isn't capable of any of those if he is using.
I will keep you in my prayers and I hope you will atleast seek out an Alanon group to help guide you right now.

 
Old 10-07-2007, 07:28 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 1,628
ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

Sweet-
I'm sending hugs your way!! I am so, SO sorry you are dealing with this. I know you love your boyfriend deeply, but sweetie, I have to agree with the others. At this point, your boyfriend is allowing his addiction to rule his actions and his life. He doesn't truly want help right now, or he would be open and honest with you and not getting defensive and calling you names. This is all a part of the addicts games sweetie. The name calling, the mean treatment- it's all done to make YOU feel guilty so you will, in turn, stop bringing it up and asking about it or pushing for them to get the help they need. They want you to feel guilty so you won't "bother" them about it. If you aren't "bothering" them about it, it frees them of having to feel any guilt. BUT, if you allow this to happen, then you are enabling him and that is not healthy for him or for you.

I watched my husband fight two separate addictions successfully and it was the hardest things I've ever had to endure in my life. I know it was hard for him too. He was able to beat an addiction to coke, and then several years later- alcohol.

I can tell you that in both cases, I had to put my foot down and issue an ultimatum to him. I had no other choice. I couldn't stay with him and watch the man I loved with all my heart destroy his life. We didn't have kids when he was using coke, but we did have kids when he was drinking. Either way, addiction can only serve one purpose and that is to tear down and destroy everything good. It will destroy your boyfriend and you, and everyone who loves you both.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that sometimes tough love is the only way. You can't be a part of this if you want to lead a normal and healthy life sweetie. If you are able to issue him an ultimatum, you have to mean every word and you must follow through no matter how bad it hurts. If he is willing to get help, then wonderful- stand by him and support him, but make sure he understands he must stay clean if he wants your support. If he is not willing to get help, then there is nothing you can do to MAKE him get it.

Take care sweetie, and please continue to post.

 
Old 10-09-2007, 04:49 PM   #7
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Brooklyn, NY USA
Posts: 34
sweetsurrender7 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

thank you all so much for your responses. it really helps knowing there are others out there who (unfortunately) have gone though similar situations.

my fiancee started his new job yesterday and so far things are going okay. i do not allow him access to any money, and as for right now, he is not pushing it. i can tell just from his demeanor and his eyes that he has not been using either. i'm not a religious person but i'm PRAYING that he is done.

i know in my heart i don't need to deal with the stress and hurt of this situation, but it is SO hard to leave. i love the person he is when he is not using.

so thanks again and i will keep you all updated.

 
Old 10-09-2007, 08:37 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Missouri
Posts: 531
stepbystep89 HB Userstepbystep89 HB Userstepbystep89 HB Userstepbystep89 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

You have received some really good advice here on this thread. Isn't it great that people can share their experience, strength and hope from their own stories so that you might learn from them and apply them to situations in your own life?
One person on this thread mentioned alanon meetings, and I have to say I think it would be beneficial for you to try it out. Alanon was originally founded by the wife of one of the men who started Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a place where people in the same situation can get together and talk about things. Normally, people who have had this experience and learned healthy ways to process and deal with it share their stories and how they apply the principles and lessons of the program in their lives. My sister attended meetings for a number of years, and really grew into a strong woman. There are a large number of people who go to alanon meetings to treat their co-dependency. One of the most important things she learned was how to draw boundaries. It sounds to me like that is something you are wanting to develop in your relationship with your fiance.
As for leaving him, only you can decide what is right for you. I have found in my life, the best decisions I have made are carefully planned and thought out. A part of that process is to talk with other people who have been in a similar situation and see what consequences they face because of their decision. This may help you at this point in your life.
A little tip from 12 Step programs (Alanon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous etc) is the toughest work begins after the plug is in the jug or the detox is over. It is learning to live life on life's terms that is the biggest challenge for alcoholics and addicts. Therefore, it is important to have a plan of maintenance in order to have long term sobriety.
I wish you the best and will keep you and your fiance in my prayers. Keep posting and feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Step

 
Old 10-16-2007, 09:29 AM   #9
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,200
SusanGene HB User
Unhappy Re: Need advice - please help.

Alanon may be great for people who DEAL WITH loved ones who are addicted. But what about mothers whose grown child is an addict and they never spend time together? What do those mothers and fathers do when their grown child is an addict and living 600 miles away?
They raise the grandchildren. That's what we do. Do I want to talk about my daughter's addiction , depression and poverty with others? Not really.
What I want to do is get AWAY from talking and thinking about it. A phone call from her is bad enough without being around other suffering parents.
She is 41 with a son, 9. We have him with us. For the second time. Last year he stayed with his aunt but he had arguments with her son, 7, so she didn't want him this time. The thought of going to a room filled with grieving parents telling addiction stories is so incredibly depressing to me it's out of the question. She is selling her possessions, gradually. Her life is at stake. She may not live through this. Her son thinks she's crazy and seems (seems) incredibly happy with us as before. She was in a 2 wk treatment center once; the second time she left. She is crashing with friends, moving from one town to the next; her dad gave her another car. Her son told me (and she agreed) that as soon as she LAYS EYES on a "certain character" she drops my grandson off with a girlfriend and forgets what she set out to accomplish. Is this rock bottom? No; this has been on and off for years.
Her idea of stopping coke is to simply move out of the town in which this character resides and into her boyfriend's apartment. This man has been on heroin since sixth grade and he's 46. How he still exists I do not know but he almost died 3 months ago. He goes to one or two AA meetings a day, day in and day out, and expects her to do the same and she's so tired of them. How did this happen? Her sister, 37, is a nurse with lifelong sobriety. No, I'm not going to any meetings. I have Halloween and dinner to plan.
__________________
Susan Gene

 
Old 10-17-2007, 08:35 AM   #10
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: FL USA
Posts: 419
maggie0704 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

SusanGene:
I'm not sure what the point of your post was.....but we were just trying to give advice to someone who wanted advice. And she seems like a good canadite for Alanon bcuz she is in his life currently, and is feeling lost and alone. So she may find support and help in making future decisions that are best for HER.
Alanon is not meant (and neither is A/A) to just sit around and tell depressing stories. Yes, you do hear bad stories there, but that is part of the healing process....bcuz alot of those people are unable to talk about what's going on with their spouses/loved ones and need a place to talk. And those who are affected by a alcoholic/addict directly welcome a place they can find others who understand what they're going thru.
Your daughters addiction has directly affected your life. So whether or not you have contact with her, it still has affect on you. So you may have some issues that your not even aware of bcuz of what you've had to witness.
Going to Alanon is about taking care of YOU. Learning how to "deal" with the situation at hand.
If you feel that it isn't for you, then that is your right. I'm sorry that you have to go thru what your going thru.

 
Old 10-17-2007, 12:23 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,200
SusanGene HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

[QUOTE=maggie0704;3262087]SusanGene:
I'm not sure what the point of your post was.....but we were just trying to give advice to someone who wanted advice. And she seems like a good canadite for Alanon bcuz she is in his life currently, and is feeling lost and alone. So she may find support and help in making future decisions that are best for HER.

>>I do hope that it makes her feel better to talk about what she's going thru with others who can sympathize. For me, it's depressing. I watch a 2 hr movie and totally forget what my daughter is doing with her life.<<



Alanon is not meant (and neither is A/A) to just sit around and tell depressing stories. Yes, you do hear bad stories there, but that is part of the healing process....bcuz alot of those people are unable to talk about what's going on with their spouses/loved ones and need a place to talk.

<<How can talking about drug addiction with victims of others' addictions heal them? I'm sorry; I don't get it. But the term "healing process" is very popular these days. My daughter is the one who needs a healing process to rid herself of drug addiction that's gotten much worse over the last ten years. She said the meetings are full of cigarette smoke and "bums" (her words) and she doesn't like going. I am well aware of the wonderful job AA has done to stop alcoholics from drinking for varying amounts of time.>>


And those who are affected by a alcoholic/addict directly welcome a place they can find others who understand what they're going thru.
Your daughters addiction has directly affected your life. So whether or not you have contact with her, it still has affect on you. So you may have some issues that your not even aware of bcuz of what you've had to witness.

<<there are no issues that I'm not aware of. By my age it would be hard for me to not be aware of much of anything. I'm aware of my embarrassment, anger, sadness, and resentment of her for her choices that have affected each member of our family. I"m aware of my anxiety of not knowing how this grandson will behave as a teenager and the concern for what he has seen and heard is keeping secret.>>



Going to Alanon is about taking care of YOU. Learning how to "deal" with the situation at hand.

<<again, a meeting of people in my sad, stressful situation would not help me to deal with it at all. It would stress me out just hearing about it. Telling their stories is what it's all about. If not, then what would you hear?>



If you feel that it isn't for you, then that is your right. I'm sorry that you have to go thru what your going thru.


<<thank you. You had said you did not understand the point I was making. The point was quite simple, really:
there are some people in this world who want to avoid rather than listen to tragic situations. Yet almost all victims are referred to Alanon like it's some magic bullet and I do not believe it is. I felt it was a rather unique opinion that I wanted to express for those who feel they're not doing the right thing by not attending meetings with fellow sufferers. I want them to know they're not alone, that they're OK, and that I , at least, understand their avoidance of Alanon. But I DO appreciate the service if it helps the masses.>>
__________________
Susan Gene

 
Old 10-18-2007, 07:56 AM   #12
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: FL USA
Posts: 419
maggie0704 HB User
Re: Need advice - please help.

Hey Susan,
OK. I understand your point.
And I was doing the same as you, offering some adive on the subject that I had experience with, and thought might help her. I didn't say she must go or she's never going to be OK., just that it "might" help. And it HAS helped millions of people. My MOm being one, and myself (when i went as a child due to my Dad being an addict).
It was just an idea, and that's what this board is all about.
Take care of you and your grandson.....

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
CONFUSED with THYROID readings?? I need help? meds do nto seem to be working? bluetou Thyroid Disorders 17 05-12-2011 08:18 PM
~ need a man's advice ~ mariagar Relationship Health 20 04-20-2010 08:41 AM
I need some advice, please gorgee Relationship Health 10 06-28-2008 08:43 PM
Re: Possible Pregnancy !? Need Serious Advice Please ! sierra6029 Pregnancy-Teen 5 07-20-2007 01:36 PM
Varicose Veins - Age 25 - Need Advice PhilipS Men's Health 2 10-03-2006 01:18 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:43 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!