Good morning all, i hope to find everyone doing well. I have been clean for over a month in a half now and off suboxone for a week . The twinges and muscle spasms are getting less and less. it feels so good not to worry about my supply or wds anymore. I feel like a new person. At the end of the day after work when i get home i sometimes feel stress but i have been mediatating and exercising. No more cravings i dont even thnk about perks anymore or xanax . if i can stop so can you I never thought i could do it but i got sick and tired of being sick and tired. If anyone needs to talk or needs support i would like to help i have been very fortunate to have great support i am still not done i have a lot of work to do but i feel up the the challege now.
GOD Bless
Congratulations! Well done and many blessings to you in your renewed life. I know what a hard task you have accomplished as I came off Oxycodone and Xanax. For every last bit of suffering endured, there is an equal blessing that comes as we live in true recovery. Many were the times when I did not think I could endure the withdrawal, but I did, and now I am in a life of peacefulness, happiness, and with so much more knowledge about so many things. The greatest gift of knowledge being that life IS restored after detox and withdrawal, that there is pleasure even in everyday, mundane little tasks. Boy, those tasks used to seem huge and overwhelming to me ( like just getting up in the morning!). Now I wake up with no fear of what the day will bring. It is a wonderful feeling.
Stay strong in your thoughts of feeling new again.. you are! Keep working it and working it. I wish you renewed pleasure in your life every single day.
Goodmorning Wireman:
How nice to read such a wonderful post.....it give us hope.
I'm STILL tapering off the sub. But i've been on it for 12 months now, so it's not easy to come off. Not that i'm lessening your experience, bcuz you were initially on percs and i know how hard it is to come off those.
It is good to hear your doing well. We tend to forget that it is at all possible to be happy and content without pills. You reminded me that it is attainable.
I'm stuck at the 2mg mark, and i'm having such a hard time bcuz I feel like CRAP until i take that 1st dose of 1mg, and i can't seem to stick it out and let myself feel like crap and NOT take it. Especially with having to work and function. I'm not a energetic person....I have those chronic daily headaches, and those knock any energy out of me that i might have. So i'm constantly fatigued.....and that little bit of sub. gives me the extra "umph".....so it's a hard thing to quit.
I tried (about a month ago) to jump from 3mg to 0mg in just 2 days ( i took a week off work),,,,,but i felt so awful that i couldn't do it and went back to 2mg. I was soooo anxious, restless, depressed, etc...... Even though i didn't have to work and i was at home, i felt like i was going out of my mind.
I wish to God i had stuck with it and could be drug free at this point. But i can't change the past, just have to look to the future.
Any hope/support would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling down today and wishing i could quit this CT. I hate being dependent on drugs.
I want to know what it feels like to live day to day not waiting to take my first pill. But i feel like with all my other health issues (depression, headaches, fatigue) that i will never beat this devil.
Please keep me in your prayers and I will you. Your doing great and remember how hard u worked to get where u are. It only gets better from here. And i wish you so much happiness and peace.
maggie- since you work for your dad,can he give you time off to get clean and sober?you said he is a recovering addict on suboxone so he knows what kind of hell it is to go through.ive always said a person cannot go through w/ds while working and it takes bout a month to feel half way normal.
does the company offer any type of substance abuse treatment plans?talk it out with dad and let him know that you think you can get clean if you can keep your job after the w/ds are over and done with.maybe he can pay you while you are off work for w/ds.good luck-spark
Hey Reach and Maggie! Thank you for your positive posts. It is nice to hear that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Today I actually didn't feel "bad" which is a first for about 6 weeks. Can't say I'm feeling happy or content but I have a little more energy and am not craving the hydrocodone like I was. Your posts give me hope that there is a happy life waiting for me out there and hope I feel like you do soon. Thanks again!
JB
thank you so much for your post you made me tear up ! I will pray for you i know that you can be drug free. You have come a long way already , 2mg is not bad what i did is i tried to go one a day then one everyother day. i tried to cut them in 1/2 but they just crumble. I still have a few in my drawer just knowing they are there helps me with the mental aspect of it. Stay positive you are never alone we are all walking in the same footsteps. I feel your pain and i know your depression, i know what it is like laying at night staring into space walking among others and wondering what it would be like to live like them free of that pain . what i have discovered is i am just like them and so are you we are people who are mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters we just all need to help each other get by. i know i am rambling but i feel like i want to say something so profound to help you but in reality i can only offer my support and i will you are the one that holds the key. Maggie O God Bless you are in my thoughts and prayers stay strong.
thank you for your post i was on Subox for about a month i started to taper off after two weeks. if you have any other questions please ask i would really like to help thank you
maggie- since you work for your dad,can he give you time off to get clean and sober?you said he is a recovering addict on suboxone so he knows what kind of hell it is to go through.ive always said a person cannot go through w/ds while working and it takes bout a month to feel half way normal.
does the company offer any type of substance abuse treatment plans?talk it out with dad and let him know that you think you can get clean if you can keep your job after the w/ds are over and done with.maybe he can pay you while you are off work for w/ds.good luck-spark
Hey Sparks:
Unfortunately, even though my dad is a recovering addict and has relapsed MANY times over the many years, he has no patience. He's one of those up and down fathers. One minute he's in a good mood and will give you the world, and the other he's mad at you.
So since he's doing fine and dandy on the sub., he forgets about how hard w/d is, and since he's "running a business" he has no compassion. It blows my mind that he can be like that, especially with all that he's put our family thru. Plus, my brother is part owner, and he has NO compassion whatsoever. He's never sick, and has no issues with addiction. So he just sees me and my Father as weak people, who have it all "in their heads".
PLUS, i tried to do it (go CT from 3mg) about 1 1/2 months ago....they reluctantly let me have 10 days off work, but i couldn't do it. It was too steep a drop and i went into full blown depression and w/d and ended up going back to 2mg. So they see it as they gave me my chance, it's my fault if i screwed it up.
It's really upsetting and frustrating to have them be so cold about it. But that's how my Brother "deals" in life.....acts like nothing is wrong and just thinks that the whole family is causing their own problems. It's bullcrap really.
But since he is part owner, he has all the influence on my Dad. And has bad talked me and my situation to him many times.
So i'm feeling alone in this. Even though this is the same family who did an intervention on me 3 yrs ago and claimed that they too "would be getting help on THEIR issues" and that they would support me no matter what.
I got clean for about 4 months......but once i relapsed, they lost all interest. Except for my Mom....she's awesome and always understood.
Sorry to go on and on..just wanted to explain the situation a little better. So no, taking off isn't an option at this point if i want to keep my job. And I really need this job.
Thanks for the advice though. If it came down to it, i'd sit down with them (dad and brother) and beg for their understanding. Dont' know if it would get me anywhere, but i've got to try i guess.
maggieO
thank you so much for your post you made me tear up ! I will pray for you i know that you can be drug free. You have come a long way already , 2mg is not bad what i did is i tried to go one a day then one everyother day. i tried to cut them in 1/2 but they just crumble. I still have a few in my drawer just knowing they are there helps me with the mental aspect of it. Stay positive you are never alone we are all walking in the same footsteps. I feel your pain and i know your depression, i know what it is like laying at night staring into space walking among others and wondering what it would be like to live like them free of that pain . what i have discovered is i am just like them and so are you we are people who are mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters we just all need to help each other get by. i know i am rambling but i feel like i want to say something so profound to help you but in reality i can only offer my support and i will you are the one that holds the key. Maggie O God Bless you are in my thoughts and prayers stay strong.
Wireman
Thank you Wireman...
Now it's my turn to tear up.
It's comforting to hear your words of encouragement. And to remember that i'm not alone in this. Because it sure feels like it at times. Especially bcuz of what I told "sparks" about my family. And my husband being so perfectly fine drug-free and not understanding the "cravings" or really even w/d since he came off cocaine with virtually NO w/d. He's so hyper and energetic....it's all i can do to get myself out of bed when he comes home to "act" fine for him and be "normal" for the few hours we get together before it's time to go to sleep.
I wish i could start taking the pill every other day....but at this point, i LIVE for that 1st mg every morning. I'm so damn fatigued and feel just horrendous until i take it. I can't imagine skipping a day. That is unless i took off work, but as i explained to sparks, it's not an option right now.
Even on the weekend, if i DON"T take that dose, i'm basically a vegetable. And then comes into play me feeling like a bad wife and wanting to be "up and at um" with my husband being home. It's a constant fight to make it thru each day. My depression and headaches are basically crippling. I wish my family would understand and have some sympathy. But unfortunately, when you've dealt with ongoing issues for many, many years....they begin to not take you seriously. There so used to you not feeilng good, or having some kind of "issue", that they just don't take u seriously anymore.
And bcuz i've had chronic headaches/migraines, and been to a Chicago headache hospital 2x, rehab 1x, in the hospital 1x for bleeding ulcer, and 2 miscarriages,,,,they see me as a constant "issue".
I walk around with SUCH guilt every single day. Guilt that i'm not like them, that i can't make it thru a DAY without a headache,,,which makes me tired,,,,then makes me depressed. Talk about craving pills, i CRAVE to be normal. I CRAVE to have this pain and depression taken from me.
Sometimes, i feel like i am the only one in this world who is like this. Like i'm a big burden on everyone in my family and i'd be better off not in their life. And to have your father (who SHOULD UNDERSTAND), act like an a***ole about your addiction.....when YOU"VE been there to support his for over 30 yrs, it's so upsetting.
I'm so sorry to whine today, i don't want to bring anyone down. I'm just feeling VERY "stuck" at this point. Every minute there is weight on my shoulders wondering "how am i gonna come off this last 2mg"...."how am i going to do it and still funciton" ....etc.....
I'm constantly exhausted....and i RELY on that sub. to get me going. I can't remember what it's like to have normal energy.
All i can do, is stop and pray. When i'm feeling like this, i've been making an effort to stop what i'm doing...and pray. Pray for strength and Him to show me the way. To be with my Thoughts & Actions, to help me appreciate each day to the fullest. To help me to learn to love myself and not be so hard on myself. And it helps, even if for a few moments. A few moments of "letting go and letting God".
I pray for you and your recovery. And thank you for being an inspiration and of such support to everyone. Thank you for responding and for putting your heart into your response. I truely appreciate it.
Thank you Wireman...
Now it's my turn to tear up.
It's comforting to hear your words of encouragement. And to remember that i'm not alone in this. Because it sure feels like it at times. Especially bcuz of what I told "sparks" about my family. And my husband being so perfectly fine drug-free and not understanding the "cravings" or really even w/d since he came off cocaine with virtually NO w/d. He's so hyper and energetic....it's all i can do to get myself out of bed when he comes home to "act" fine for him and be "normal" for the few hours we get together before it's time to go to sleep.
I wish i could start taking the pill every other day....but at this point, i LIVE for that 1st mg every morning. I'm so damn fatigued and feel just horrendous until i take it. I can't imagine skipping a day. That is unless i took off work, but as i explained to sparks, it's not an option right now.
Even on the weekend, if i DON"T take that dose, i'm basically a vegetable. And then comes into play me feeling like a bad wife and wanting to be "up and at um" with my husband being home. It's a constant fight to make it thru each day. My depression and headaches are basically crippling. I wish my family would understand and have some sympathy. But unfortunately, when you've dealt with ongoing issues for many, many years....they begin to not take you seriously. There so used to you not feeilng good, or having some kind of "issue", that they just don't take u seriously anymore.
And bcuz i've had chronic headaches/migraines, and been to a Chicago headache hospital 2x, rehab 1x, in the hospital 1x for bleeding ulcer, and 2 miscarriages,,,,they see me as a constant "issue".
I walk around with SUCH guilt every single day. Guilt that i'm not like them, that i can't make it thru a DAY without a headache,,,which makes me tired,,,,then makes me depressed. Talk about craving pills, i CRAVE to be normal. I CRAVE to have this pain and depression taken from me.
Sometimes, i feel like i am the only one in this world who is like this. Like i'm a big burden on everyone in my family and i'd be better off not in their life. And to have your father (who SHOULD UNDERSTAND), act like an a***ole about your addiction.....when YOU"VE been there to support his for over 30 yrs, it's so upsetting.
I'm so sorry to whine today, i don't want to bring anyone down. I'm just feeling VERY "stuck" at this point. Every minute there is weight on my shoulders wondering "how am i gonna come off this last 2mg"...."how am i going to do it and still funciton" ....etc.....
I'm constantly exhausted....and i RELY on that sub. to get me going. I can't remember what it's like to have normal energy.
All i can do, is stop and pray. When i'm feeling like this, i've been making an effort to stop what i'm doing...and pray. Pray for strength and Him to show me the way. To be with my Thoughts & Actions, to help me appreciate each day to the fullest. To help me to learn to love myself and not be so hard on myself. And it helps, even if for a few moments. A few moments of "letting go and letting God".
I pray for you and your recovery. And thank you for being an inspiration and of such support to everyone. Thank you for responding and for putting your heart into your response. I truely appreciate it.
Maggieo
First things first Love yourself Know that i Love you I care and you are not a bad person . Second you can not change what someone thinks No matter how hard you try. We must earn it. I have dissappointed my children my wife, myself. I dont look back anymore of course i am sorry but i can not change it. i can change today i can change tommorrow and i will. Take one moment for you , take a walk get your nails done do whatever makes you feel good.
You are doing great your not using thats important. Its ok we all want to be off the subox i am still struggling with it a little and its ok as long as i am not using. i would rather take that than use again. Each day you and i will get stronger together and walk along side each other i will be here to help you dont worry stay close to your higher power. I have learned "If you don't expect it , you wont be dissapointed." MaggieO i am proud of you and i am thankful our paths have crossed keep the faith , i have faith in you wireman
[QUOTE=Wireman25;3255073]Maggieo
First things first Love yourself Know that i Love you I care and you are not a bad person .
Hey Wireman-
Your first sentence is the one thing that I have never been good at.....loving myself. I pick myself apart and have been told by numerous people that "your too hard on yourself". I don't pick at myself in order to get others to give me compliments, i truely pick at myself bcuz i'm never satisfied with what i am at the moment. My first instinct is to find fault in myself.
But i can't seem to figure out the "code" on how to love myself. I've seen therapists throughout the years.....but i still don't know the way to go about learning to love myself. I can say "ok, i'm not going to belittle myself anymore" and that lasts all of a day.
And i KNOW from what i've learned, that loving myself should be first and foremost. Yet i can't even LIKE myself let alone LOVE myself.
It's not that i think i'm a bad person. I know in my heart that i'm extremely loving, giving, patient, kind, etc. And it's not like i grew up being picked on....I was always told by strangers, family, friends, boyfriends of how beautiful i was. But i could never see it. It always blew my mind when they said that.
I know i can't change what others think of me (as far as my brother and father go), and I know that I shouldn't even worry about what others think. And to be honest, we shouldn't have to "earn" anyones approval. Yes, i believe we should earn their trust back. But i know that I love others regardless of their faults and past errors, so i believe i should be loved the same. My husband for example, when we met he was living with his Mom bcuz he'd lost his house, his truck, everything bcuz he was busted dealing drugs. He'd been in jail for a month. I may have been in an "upper class" than him, but i saw thru all his past mistakes and saw the happiness and love that beamed from his smile and eyes when he spoke in meetings (a/a).
As for my Father and Brother and Husband, I have to accept that they just don't understand. And the statement "You do not know what another person is going thru unless you've walked in their shoes" is so true. My sisters always been hard on me and judged me for my weaknesses. But a few months ago she became sick, she's getting into the Mayo Clinic in Nov. to get a diagnosis. But it could be serious. And over these months i could have given her back the coldness and judgement she gave me, but i gave her unconditional love and understanding. So over these months, she has begun to understand what i've been subjected to (judgement wise) these years and we now have the best relationship we have ever had. It's nice to have her as a sister now, and not constantly telling me what i'm NOT doing that i should be doing. We're just there for eachother. And let eachother cry if needed, or *****, or smile.
'I'm glad our paths have crossed also. I know that your a spiritual person, and i have recommended this CD on here before, but not wanted to step on anyones toes that might have a different higher power than God....but you have to get the CD Anthony Evans "Letting Go". I heard him on a TV show sing his song "meaningless" and i was brought to tears. I bought it offline for only $5 (used but new) and there are a few songs on there that really touch my heart. Bcuz they are either about struggles, or how these worldy things don't matter.
Thanks for listening and for being supportive. Keep up the good work and i'll catch ya later.
wow wireman,
that is exactly what I needed to read this morning. I am really feeling awful and that made my day better. Thank you and keep up the good work. I totally understand the FREE feelilng, and that is what keeping me going at this point. Unfortunately this is my second time quitting and this WILL be the last. These boards are amazing
maggie it sounds like you are to worried about everyone else and not yourself.you come first in this case.your sobriety needs to come before all else,if it doesnt you will not be around to put everybody first.the addiction will take over if your not carefull.you need to just take a vacation just you for a few weeks and get over this before it really brings you down.if they dont understand then the heck with them.maybe you need to get another job away from family.its hard to work with and for relatives.but a person needs to be clean and sober in the long run thats all that matters.good luck-spark
MaggieO
Thanks for your reply, your are the best! i will try to get the cd. I know that it is hard to like ones self i have a hard time with it too. We must keep trying i am sure that you are a wonderful person and offer a lot to those around you.I hope and pray you find the innerpeace. i had a rough weekend i did not use just some other issues i will share later. Keep smiling and keep the faith
Startingover07
Good job stopping is very hard you can do it one day at a time , keep it simple stay close to your support and know we are all here for you . I need you just as much as you need me together we can do this. Never be afraid to reach up for help. i will stay in touch God bless keep up the good work
MaggieO
hey how are you ? i have been busy with work . i have been doing ok i am feeling better and stronger now . I dont have the muscle spasms anymore and do now and then get a headache but mostly everything is normal. Not using has been the best thing i have ever done. I really hope you are doing well drop me a line. All the best to everyone .. wireman
Hey Wireman:
Thanks for checking in on me. I've been recooperating from a MAJOR migraine. I had it on Thursday, and it took me until today to feel better from it. It was that severe.
I called my Dad crying and he came over with some Phenegran (i had already taken Imitrex and Advil) bcuz he has had luck with that helping his migraines in past. Well, it didn't work for me. I actually threw it up. Then i threw up again all over my bedroom carpet. It was the worst migraine i've ever experienced in my life. I started praying for God to take it away, but after 4 hours of NON-STOP pain, so bad that i couldn't sit still, i began praying to let me DIE!!! Seriously, that's how bad it was.
After 8 hours of the worst pain imagineable, it let up.
I began wondering if i was having an anneurysm or something like that, bcuz i really didn't think it was possible to be in that much pain and NOT have it be something life threatening. Even if it was just that my blood pressure had to be soooo high from the pain that it soared into dangerous levels.
So the next day i was beat down to the ground from the pain and all medication i took. I took 3 Lorcets (got them from my Mom) and took another 2 Lorcets the next day when i started to get another one. Thankfully, it went away, and I wasn't taking any chances on triggering another one of those, so i didn't care WHAT i had to take to feel better.
I pray that i'll NEVER have one of those again.
But, I know why i got it. I woke up Thur. morning in withdrawals. Sneezing uncontrolabley, weak, diarrhea, etc..... So i thought i'd go to the pool and "sweat it out". Thinking i could sweat out some toxins and also do some leg exercises in pool to help with cramping in legs.
Well i didn't bring any water, and i was out there for an hour in the HOT Florida sun....so basically i dehydrated myself and it triggered the MOTHER of all migraines. I now know that I can handle anything, and one day when i'm facing going into labor, atleast i'll know that i've made it thru that one migraine that i begged to die over!
Went to my girlfriends husbands funeral today.....such a horrific tragedy. He was so bright and intelligent and loving. He left behind his wonderful wife and two beautiful children under the age of 3. So so sad.
It really puts things into perspective and wakes me up the the fact that ALL WE HAVE IS TODAY.
So i'm back on track, went down to 1mg a few days ago. I've taken those Lorcets a few times, but not enough to have to detox off them.
I hope all is well with you, it's good to see your happy posts! Stay strong and keep the faith!
