It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Addiction & Recovery Message Board


Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 10-11-2007, 04:00 PM   #1
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

BF is an alcholic. We had a fight which I started out of frustration. I attacked him and he pushed me out of the way. I lost my balance and had a bad fall. Ended up with stictches in the head and face, black eye. Pretty banged up with bad headaches and dizzy feelings. Dr said it will go away after 2 weeks.

I am scared of him but really love him. I personally think we should stay away from each other. Mean while, this episode has caused him to really realize that he had a problem with alcholol. He is seeking lots of help- AA and counseling. I know he wants the relationship. But how can you be sure it will work again. It has been a long 1.5 years of back and forth because it all boiled down to that I was in fear of his drinking....

My feelings are that I need to be alone and gain my strength back and time to relax and deal with myself. i need lots of space, but he wants to spend time and show me that he is changed.. It has only been 1 week, so talk is cheap to me....

Please tell me if I am wrong???

 
Old 10-11-2007, 06:29 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 846
granny0 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Dear Cupcake,
I think you need to go with your heart on this one. Has his drinking been on and off for 1 1/2 yrs or has your relationship been on and off and his drinking continued. It sounds like he is trying, but like you said, you need time alone to sort things out. I think you need to be supportive of him and his recovery but explain how it has affected you and that you need some space right now. Can you give him a date such as if he's still clean in a month, you'll consider resuming the relationship? You don't need to cut all tyes. Can still talk on the phone and offer your support. Plan a really good date as a celebration of his one month sobriety? Just some suggestions. Best wishes with your challange.
JB

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 10-12-2007, 02:50 AM   #3
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Denver
Posts: 72
wheninrome1313 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cupcake3 View Post
BF is an alcholic. We had a fight which I started out of frustration. I attacked him and he pushed me out of the way. I lost my balance and had a bad fall. Ended up with stictches in the head and face, black eye. Pretty banged up with bad headaches and dizzy feelings. Dr said it will go away after 2 weeks.

I am scared of him but really love him. I personally think we should stay away from each other. Mean while, this episode has caused him to really realize that he had a problem with alcholol. He is seeking lots of help- AA and counseling. I know he wants the relationship. But how can you be sure it will work again. It has been a long 1.5 years of back and forth because it all boiled down to that I was in fear of his drinking....

My feelings are that I need to be alone and gain my strength back and time to relax and deal with myself. i need lots of space, but he wants to spend time and show me that he is changed.. It has only been 1 week, so talk is cheap to me....

Please tell me if I am wrong???
Wow, does that bring back some painful memories for me. First of all, consider Alonin meetings which is support for the loved ones of people in AA/NA. You will meet others going through the same thing and you will also get a better understanding of his disease. I am on these boards needing help for my addiction issue, but when I saw your post I realized I can offer advice because I have experience with this.

You should NEVER be in a relationship with someone you fear. Your gut is telling you it is wrong. Go with your gut. Stay away from him for a while and clear your head ABSOLUTELY. You call the shots now. Of course he wants you around, he has a problem and doesn't want to be alone. In his mind it is all about him and you need to make this about you. You can't help him now. You need to tell him to get help BEFORE you get back together. And when I mean help, he needs to get anger managment counseling and finish his program before he can try to make a relationship happen with you.

I was with a man for 4 years. After 3 years his alchoholism escalated to the point of violence. Started off with a few shoves, bad falls, pinning me against the wall, that sort of thing. WHen he drank, he got angrier and angrier. HIs eyes would be bloodshot and I didnt even recognize him. I quickly learned to recognize that look and I was terrified. DOes it sound familiar? I tried to support him through treatment, but he never finished. We would go through honeymoon phases where everything would be great, and then it would start all over. Finally I left. I filed a resraining order to keep him away. Night 3 in my new apt. (2 days after I found out I was pregnant) he broke in through my balcony after a night of drinking, attacked me while I was sleeping. I maced him, and because of the alchol, his adrenaline was rushing and he never even flinched from the mace. It only made him angrier. I woke up 2 days later in the hospital, with 8 broken bones, 3 fractures, 2 compression fractures, a concussion, missing teeth, broken nose and jaw, and no baby. He had beat me and thrown me from a 2 story balcony. I never thought he was capable of it. (he was an attorney even!) Years later he sent a letter through victims assistance apologizing and saying that he didn't remember any of it!

I am suprised to have told you this, because I don't talk about it to people that often. I guess it is because I feel that it might help someone someday.

Now, I am going through tapering from pain meds that started because of the injuries I sustained, and my chronic pain that turned into an addiction and now I am going through the pain from the tapering. All of this has been a constant reminder of what happened to me lately. I am getting better, but it is slow. But I met a wonderful man who makes me so happy everyday and would never make me feel bad and I married him. I look back and wonder why I would have ever stayed with someone who made me feel bad ever and am thankful that what happened to me lead me to my husband.

SO I guess my lesson is to trust your gut. I didn't, and I had to go through a lot of unecessary suffering. I hope this helped a little. Best of luck and Stay strong!!! -Monique

 
Old 10-12-2007, 08:22 PM   #4
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cupcake3 View Post
BF is an alcholic. We had a fight which I started out of frustration. I attacked him and he pushed me out of the way. I lost my balance and had a bad fall. Ended up with stictches in the head and face, black eye. Pretty banged up with bad headaches and dizzy feelings. Dr said it will go away after 2 weeks.

I am scared of him but really love him. I personally think we should stay away from each other. Mean while, this episode has caused him to really realize that he had a problem with alcholol. He is seeking lots of help- AA and counseling. I know he wants the relationship. But how can you be sure it will work again. It has been a long 1.5 years of back and forth because it all boiled down to that I was in fear of his drinking....

My feelings are that I need to be alone and gain my strength back and time to relax and deal with myself. i need lots of space, but he wants to spend time and show me that he is changed.. It has only been 1 week, so talk is cheap to me....

Please tell me if I am wrong???
Dear C,

You have to look out for yourself; how could you possibly be wrong in doing so?

Take care of yourself.

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 10-12-2007, 09:07 PM   #5
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Hi Everyone,

I guess I need to correct the fear or scared feelings. It is not that I fear him I have been reading a lot of domestic violence stories which made more more fearful or scared....

thanks for the support, advice and stories.....i have spoken to him a few times. He is really sorry and says it was an accident, it was self defense my Dr said so too. but I am a very petite person so i lost balance and fell into the table.

Yesterday was bad as I was going through periods of anger and frustration and he caught me during that time, when he called. I have been really cold and hard to him on the phone but I really let him know how I felt. Even tonight I have explained to him. He called me frantic that he is alone and needed support. He does not know what to do with out me... I told him I support him 100% but respect my feelings that i need time alone. I will be here if he needs to talk.

Menawhile, I will go for conseling on Monday. when I first spoke to the conselor on the phone they said the first positive step for him is that he has admitted his drinking and did seek help right away. But I need to get help for my anger, i have a short fuse.

I will keep you posted on the situation. Once i go for my couseling on Monday.

once again thanks for the support. And the perspectives.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 04:56 AM   #6
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: S.A. Texas
Posts: 6
agit777 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

I have to say that I agree 150% with everything wheninrome1313 said. I'm also trying to beat a hydrocodone (norco) addiction that I developed while being treated for injuries sustained by my ex-husband of 10 years. I've had several concussions, stitches in my face and inside my mouth, cracked teeth, been choked to the point of unconciousness to many times to count (he was good at that), patches of hair pulled out, lots of bumps and bruises from being thrown over furniture etc. etc. etc. He was always smart about aiming for my head since it was less noticeable to others to see any of the damage that was done. But the last time was a broken neck. Thats when I was introduced to the nightmare of hydrocodone. If you really feel that you need time away from each other to let the dust settle then absolutely take that time apart. If he says he wants to prove to you that he's changed then he should start by respecting your request for time apart and if he can't do that then he's just telling you what he thinks you want to hear. If he's already calling you in desperation because he doesn't know what to do without you then it sounds like he has deeper issues than just drinking. Like Wheninrome1313 said, she didn't even think her boyfriend was capeable of doing what he did, but he did it! Desperate people will do desperate things so if you have any doubts or fear of him whatsoever my advice would be to not waste another day in that relationship. There are so many wonderful people in the world and life is way to short to waste on bad relationships. I just wish i'd taken my own advice 10years ago the very 1st time my ex-husband laid his hands on me. It would have saved me alot pain in every sense. Remember - A tiger will never change his stripes and people don't change. I don't doubt that you mean it when you say you love him because I loved my ex-husband too but everytime he hurt me and I stayed in the relationship it was as if I condoned what he was doing to me. He always apologized but he always did it again. You said that you started the fight out of frustration. Were you frustrated because of his drinking? You've admited to having a short fuse and he's admited to having a drinking problem so you've both taken the 1st step but it's been my experience that those things aren't a good combination. Maybe some kind of couples counseling along with individual counseling will help you to work through some of your problems. I hope my experience has helped in some way without sounding to harsh or judgemental. I will keep both of you in my prayers and I wish you much luck!

 
Old 10-13-2007, 05:25 AM   #7
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

A tiger will never change its' stripes but people can change; this is but one of the "truisms" of life.

Take care.

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 08:06 AM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Thanks Phoenix.

I am reading all the domestic violence stories and they are scaring me. I know that mine was an accident and that I started it out of my frustration. He has cried to me feeling very sorry for what has happened. I know what I have to do for myself and he is working on his with help.

thanks to all who shared their stories and wisedom....

 
Old 10-13-2007, 08:28 AM   #9
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Dear Cupcake,

Remember to be aware of your surroundings but try not to immerse yourself into the domestic violence spectrum via stories, for that alone could prove to be negative with regards to your relationship.

As the bruises, etc. are healing, you will need a little "healing time" also.

These situations don't just erase themselves from memory that easily.

I wish you the best.

Take care.

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 10-13-2007, 01:24 PM   #10
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Denver
Posts: 72
wheninrome1313 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cupcake3 View Post
Thanks Phoenix.

I am reading all the domestic violence stories and they are scaring me. I know that mine was an accident and that I started it out of my frustration. He has cried to me feeling very sorry for what has happened. I know what I have to do for myself and he is working on his with help.

thanks to all who shared their stories and wisedom....
We aren't trying to scare you, just inform you. My situation started with accidents too. I had a temper and would get in his face when he was drunk, thinking he would never hurt me, and the one day I started shoving him when he was drunk and I fell into a glass table when he tried to defend himself from my shoves. I said the same thing you did, that it was my fault and it was an accident and he was sorry. First time, I saw him cry even. I felt bad. I got scared after that and never confronted him again but it seemed that the more he drank and the more time went on, the angrier he got until he would come home and just scream at me the moment he walked in for nothing. And it got more violent and more violent. I would see him the next day sober, and he would just be a wreck, Crying and apologizing. Saying, "what is wrong with me? why do I hurt you when I love you so much?" MY heart would break for him and I would give him another chance. So we understand you love him and we loved our men too, and it may NEVER turn into the situations that some of us have shared with you. All we are saying is, it is hard to be with an alchoholic with anger issues and your relationships should not have to be filled with pain or fear or anger. I have been with my husband 3 years and he has never raised his voice to me or even argued with me because he knows what I have been through with my ex. And that is the way it should be for you because you deserve it. I am sure he loves you. Just be aware of what alchohol can do to people. (It can make a perfectly normal calm person a raging lunatic). Just know when to say when is enough, trust your instincts, and let him get the help he needs FIRST before you try resuming your relationhsip. Make it a condition. If he really wants to get better and make it work, he will do it. Then be there for him when he is ready. Just educate yourself about the disease and be prepared for whet COULD happen so it never happens to you.
GOOD LUCK!

 
Old 10-13-2007, 06:04 PM   #11
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

wheninrome1313,

thanks for your advice. Actually today we went over the letting the dust settle and get your help first conversation. He understands that I need my time to heal and get past this. He understands he needs to keep going to his program. We will keep in contact by phone. I will keep an update....

thanks
All
cupcake....

 
Old 11-12-2007, 03:32 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Angry Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Hi All I am back...

After a month of doing very well. BF was going to AA and personal conselling. Got involved with his passion - politics. I did my anger managerment, working out running, yoga etc....

I had to leave to take my mother for radiation for 2 weeks. 2 days after I left I called him one night and he was drinking. I did not even have to ask, I heard it in his voice and what he was saying. I asked him and he did admit that he was drinking and said it was only 2. I told him 2 is to many and that I was very disappointed with him. Well, my anger came out again and I told him off on the email. He was supposed to be housesitting for me. I called someone to collect the key from him and told him not to go near my home until I return. Since which I hear he is at home drinking a lot.

Not sure if I was wrong because I got angry but he said in a reply email that I am never satisfied. Which is not true. I have been complimenting him all the way and celebrating his soberness. He said he drank because I was not there. I think this is a sad and poor excuse to drink. I personally believe he found a moment to drink and needed it and got caught by me...

I feel like I am threw with this relationship. I am tired and drained plus taking care of my 61 year old mother with cancer and a mental illness. I am overwhelmed with my own affairs I really do not need to be worrying about someone else and their issues...

Since which I have been online going through anger management techniques to calm myself so that I can be more caring for my mother. I am out of the country and alone with her so I have no real support but the phone and internet...

any suggetions anyone?? Was I wrong to him or too harsh??

 
Old 11-12-2007, 03:50 PM   #13
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Dear cupcake,

You did the right thing for there is only so much one person can do for another until their issues begin spilling into your own life.

Reasonably, it sounds that he cannot live or is having trouble living up to your expectations of him(at least that is how he may perceive it).

Taking the key away was necessary; it's almost like having a driver's license;with it comes responsibility and those that have one need to know that it is a privilege, not a right, which can be easily taken away if one does not obey the rules.

If he is using your "not being there" as an excuse, then that explains a lot; it seems that he was staying sober for you and not himself; once you were taken out of the equation, he had no reason to be motivated.

Not a good sign at all.

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 11-12-2007, 03:56 PM   #14
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 299
Cupcake3 HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Phoenix

thanks I did not see it like that thanks for that perspective. He was really staying sober for me and not himself. I told him long ago it had to be because he wanted to. He made all the calls for conselling. I think his mother made him go to AA but he would not admit that...

This is so sad. I have put a lot of time into him. and he wanted me to have a baby very soon. I do love and care very much for him, but being away has really made me realize that this is not good for me and I need to move on. It has been a vicous cycle for nearly 2 years and I am 39 years old. I want a family and I do not have time to waste..

thanks
C.

 
Old 11-12-2007, 04:09 PM   #15
Facilitator
(male)
 
Phoenix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 3,852
Blog Entries: 33
Phoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB UserPhoenix HB User
Re: Need Guidance / Advise??? Please??

Dear C,

When making any major decision, I find it best to rest on it.

I am not saying to give up on him entirely but check the warning signs.

What he needs to know is that everything begins and ends with him.

Listen to what he says when he speaks to you; sometimes there is a message in all of the words used; whether he is inebriated or otherwise.

He should want to do it for himself, thus making the prospect for a brighter future seem more attainable for the two of you.

Only time will tell.

Take care.

Phoenix
__________________
When in doubt, post it out.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
please help with some advice hollie1984 Skin Problems 4 04-23-2010 03:20 PM
~ need a man's advice ~ mariagar Relationship Health 20 04-20-2010 07:41 AM
Help/Advice neededASAP -Fentanyl detox, pain pat. abused meds will need meds in futre Confused089 Abuse Support 34 07-06-2008 05:33 PM
Do I need help ? coralfarmin Bipolar Disorder 17 12-11-2007 08:35 PM
new,and need to get off of opiates jerry111165a Addiction & Recovery 33 11-20-2007 03:40 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Hydrocodone
Lortab
Methadone
Oxycontin
Percocet
  Tylenol
Ultram Valium
Vicodin
Xanax




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Phoenix (150), katlin09 (108), reachout (100), Wendy88 (36), second go (36), oxygirl (34), corissa3 (32), icehouse3z (24), Tysmom1 (24), bolter (21)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1182), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (913), Titchou (862), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (760), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:10 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!