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-   -   I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie. (http://www.healthboards.com/boards/addiction-recovery/542483-i-quit-quitting-i-have-accepted-fact-i-will-always-pill-junkie.html)

ilovejoaquim 10-11-2007 07:40 PM

I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Okay, I failed my attempt to quit.
I did good for a week without taking any percosets or oxy's at all but instead I was taking tramadol which I didn't think was addictive so I thought I was doing really well without withdrawls that whole week and I was so proud of myself and my energy level was good and I was happy.
My tramadol prescription ran out and withdrawls came on full force. I was back in hotflash hell, crying, depressed, sleepless nights, muscle spasms, moodyness.
My doctor gave me a prescription for vicodan for back pain. I took the whole prescription in one day.
I'm back to where I was again.
I think I give up.
I think I'll be a junkie for the rest of my life. I can't ever stop pills for good. I can't take the withdrawls. I don't want to go to detox. I refuse. My addiction is a secret to my family so I can't be gone that long.
I have a son, a full time job. I can't stop all that and go to detox.
I don't know what else to do. I have no more options.
I just give up.
But i'm not sad right now either because I just took 5 pills.

I'll be sad tomorrow and probably will feel like dying tomorrow but don't worry, i'm not suicidal or anything, just depressed.

I don't know what else to do. I just fully give up now. Just figured I would let you all know thanks for your help, I appreciated it, I just can't do it.

oh-notagain 10-11-2007 07:50 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
have you ever considered trying sub? at least you wont have to go through w/d whenever you run out of a script, you will be able to live your life w/o all the addict/ worries, and you'll have a chance at getting some kind of outside/ help and support for your addiction so you dont return to pills once you decide, if you decide to ween off the sub.

i wish you luck. God Bless,

michelle

granny0 10-11-2007 08:22 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Dear Love,
Please don't give up! Alot of people have rebounds but it does not mean that you need to stay on drugs the rest of your life. You know you can't. You'll need more and more and will only go downhill from there. Read Reach and Maggie's latest posts. They gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. They are happy! I think if they can do it, we can too. I have a friend and coworker who called me crying this morning. She had to go see a bail bondsman to post bond for her 25 yr old daugher. Prostitution and drugs. She's addicted to methadone. It sickens me to think she's willing to sell her body to any man that comes along for drug money. She may very well go to jail and I think it will do her good. If something doesn't happen soon, I see no future for this girl other than death. How sad and scary that the need for the drugs have driven this girl to sell her body to get high.
Please rethink your choice to quit quitting. I will be praying for you.
Best wishes.
JB

ilovejoaquim 10-12-2007 07:38 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
I don't want to talk to my primary doctor about my addiction and i'm scared to go to detox because my family doesn't know my secret and I have just started my new full time job.
How else can I get a script for sub without going to detox? where do I go? I don't think any place will give me a prescription for sub without going to a detox.
I have to transportation anywhere so it's not like I can go to meetings somewhere else.
My mother brings me to work everyday so she's my only source and like I said, she doesn't know my addiction.
I'm scared.
Today I dove into the deep end of the pool. I took so much oxy's and perc's today that i'm actually feeling naucious.

oh-notagain 10-12-2007 08:08 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
just look for the suboxone website and they have a physician locator. type in your zip code. you may just find a doc really really close. and you dont have to go to detox first. all you have to do is show up at your first appt in mild/moderate withdrawls, and they will induct you right there in the office; give you sub until you feel better. you will leave with a script for the week or month and just go from there. its easy. you dont have to go to detox first!

good luck,

michelle

Phoenix 10-12-2007 08:11 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
[QUOTE=ilovejoaquim;3255597]I don't want to talk to my primary doctor about my addiction and i'm scared to go to detox because my family doesn't know my secret and I have just started my new full time job.

My mother brings me to work everyday so she's my only source and like I said, she doesn't know my addiction.
I'm scared.
Today I dove into the deep end of the pool. I took so much oxy's and perc's today that i'm actually feeling naucious.[/QUOTE]

Dear I,

I would like you to read the excerpts to your quotes above.

Now please pay attention to the last sentence.

The way things are going, sooner or later [I]someone[/I] is going to catch on, if they don't already have an inkling that something is afoot.

Your primary is already aware that the meds you are currently taking can be addictive, so it wouldn't really surprise the physician to hear your situation.

I am not making light of it, just informing you.

It may boil down to your work performance suffering due to your physical discomfort and better that you get on top of it now before the supervisor or one of your co-workers finds out.

Is "mom" the comforting and understanding type?

It takes courage, will and determination to confront those that are closest to helping.

Please take care of yourself.

I know that it's not easy but we do truly understand.

Take care and God Bless.

Phoenix

granny0 10-12-2007 08:43 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Dear Luv,
You sound exactly like me. With the exception of work (I've been w/same company over 15 yrs) and your transportation issues, this could be me talking.
No one knows of my addiction & I'm determined to keep it that way. My family (Mom, husband & daughters) would be horrified if they knew I abuse pain pills and tranquilizers. My husband knows I'm fond of both, even got me some pot when I was in major depression - I just can't tell him either for fear it would give him a heart attack (he's had 3 major heart surgeries). We never talk about really deep things. I have the same issue with getting help - how do you get the Sub. stuff? I don't know. Maybe see a phychiatrist (sp) - I've been pondering that one.

I hope you reconsider the taper down again. I've had some hydro recently but take low dosages 7.5 mg maybe a pill or two a day but refuse to go higher. I had headaches and now neck pain. I dread running out but when they're gone, they're gone. I have no more access to the pills, so that's a good thing.

I just want you to know, you're not the only one with this issue cuz I'm right there with ya. Hang in there - that's what I've been doing. Can I ask your age? I'm 47 and not a granny. I just had a hard time coming up with a name
that wasn't already taken.;)

Best Wishes,

JB

mk7657 10-12-2007 09:28 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
JB:

You might be surprised to find that there are some people close to you that already know you are taking drugs. When I came clean (I told my my family, friends, and PCP), my wife, mom, and friends at work knew that I was on something.

Good luck on your journey,:)

mk

rozetat2 10-13-2007 08:54 AM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
I never told anyone either. A couple friends new and that was it. I never wanted to tell my husband-- he didnt know for 5 years. My husband had a heart attack and has a bad heart too. My dr. told me it would be best if i told him and that he wont have a heart attack, etc. One night we were laying in bed watching tv and i looked at him seriously almost crying and said, "there is something i have to tell you" well Im sure he was thinking it was an affair. I told him I started taking some pills to help with the stress of his heart attack and i had to much pain, etc and i got addicted, and now i need help so i went to a dr. to help and im on this medicine (sub) and i should be off soon blah blah blah. I was crying and so sorry and my husband said he would support me and do whatever he could. It was such a relief. I kept a secret for over 5 years-- it worked out good for me. When people love you they want to help you. Thats what love is. They dont want to see you suffer. Its your decision. I just wanted to share my experience. Good luck to all of you

StartingOver07 10-13-2007 10:31 AM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
You have to let SOMEONE in on your seceret or you will never get better. You cant do this alone. You can get sub without a rehab.good luck

Lou1 10-13-2007 03:58 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Ilovejoaquim,

I read your post and am very concerned for you.

[quote]Today I dove into the deep end of the pool. I took so much oxy's and perc's today that i'm actually feeling naucious.[/quote]

What does your comment about diving into the pool mean? That statement worried me a great deal. I almost read into it that you felt like giving up? Or were you saying that you took so many pills that you didn't even realize that you were diving into the pool? In either case, I see a frightened call for help... one which may very well save your life.
If you truly want to try sub as a last resort to get off the other drugs, then by all means, you should go for it. Sub is far better than taking so many pills that you are making yourself physically sick. Your body, especially the liver, can only take so much abuse before damage occurs.

[quote]I don't want to talk to my primary doctor about my addiction[/quote]

Hon, why would you not want to utilize what could be your strongest ally in getting free from addiction? I too am an addict that was hopelessly addicted to hydrocodone and darvocet (10-14 a day of 10 mg hydros plus the darvocet). I tried many times unsuccesfully to taper and was also very frightened of divulging my problem to my physician. I catastrophized (is that a word?), and was convinced that I would be thrown out on my ear as soon as I confessed the true nature of my problem. But, I finally worked up the courage and that doctor visit was the single most important moment in my recovery. Not only was I not shamed by my physician for my problem, but she was very sympathetic to my situation and worked out a program for me to successfully detox....one which included using other medications (closely monitored!) to get me through the worst of the withdrawals. I cannot stress enough how beneficial it would be to be totally honest with your physician. To this day, my wonderful doctor continues to work with me on all sorts of different options we can persue to give me relief from my severe chronic pain situation safely and addiction-free.

[quote]How else can I get a script for sub without going to detox? where do I go? I don't think any place will give me a prescription for sub without going to a detox.
I have to transportation anywhere so it's not like I can go to meetings somewhere else.
My mother brings me to work everyday so she's my only source and like I said, she doesn't know my addiction.[/quote]

I also considered the suboxone route when I got off the pills (though I ultimately chose a cold turkey detox). As another member pointed out, it is not at all necessary to go to an inpatient rehab center in order to be prescribed suboxone. You WILL likely need to schedule several visits in the first couple weeks. Some of the sub doctors I called said that an initial evaluation visit would be necessary prior to starting a suboxone treatment program. Others said the initial visit could include the first administration of the suboxone. In most cases, you will need to go back to the doctor a few times in the first week or so to "tweak" the sub doseage. I may be wrong, but I do not think a suboxone doctor is going to write a prescription for an entire month right off the bat until you are stabilized on a particular dose. I bring all this up because you mention the transportation issue. If your mom is your means of travel, it will most likely be necessary to confide in her since she would be the one bringing you to the doctor visits;). I don't know your personal relationship with Mom nor how she would react to such news. But, I would think that your making such an effort to get well would be met with a positive and loving reaction as opposed to her just finding out her daughter is a hopeless addict that doesn't care.

I can feel that you truly do not want to give up and just accept a life addicted to drugs. I know from my own personal experience exactly how difficult beating this demon is. But, the rewards of success are SO worth the relatively short period of discomfort we go through during the detox time. I am now at my 5 months point in my recovery drug-free and while I am in no way back to feeling 100% better, I now have the freedom from being enslaved to the daily stress of pill-counting, the constant worrying of running out before I could get another 'script and ....worst of all...the constant shame I felt knowing I was an addict and fearing that someone would find out.
I am praying for you to have the strength to continue your fight. I know you can beat this and wish you the best. Please reconsider sharing your burden with your doctor and family. Why fight alone?

Good luck,
Lou

granny0 10-14-2007 08:58 AM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Dear I love j,
I too am very concerned for you. Please post again and let us know that you're okay. Okay?
JB

ms1 11-01-2007 11:15 PM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
Hi. I just want to reiterate that everyone who has spoken to you is correct. You can't do it by yourself. You will be pleasantly shocked and amazed when you come clean to anyone who will listen at the amount of support that you will receive. Start with your mom. The hardest is first and the rest fall into place. Next, your doctor. Your mom knows that something is up ..... right ??? I don't know how old you and it doesn't matter. If you were a parent then you would know that no matter how upset we act at times that our hearts have bled with worry since you were conceived and there is nothing a parent would not do for our child and there is nothing that could ever lessen our love for our children. Yes, I know, that isn't much comfort now. You must trust someone outside of your peer group who may be using too. Your doctor is no fool and will know where you are coming from. Having a hard time in exactly how to tell him ?? Try my quote, " I am incapable of taking narcotic pain medication as it is prescribed right now. When I don't take it I get depressed and ill. What can be done to help me? " I said as a grown man with tears in my eyes...... feeling that not an ounce of self-respect remained. Shortly however, I felt empowered. I told the very person who was giving me the pills the truth and he didn't scold or curse me. He didn't say, "Well then, you are done in my office ! Get out ! " It worked out well and after a short stint of humility I am WORKING to get better. I say working because I, in no way, am "cured". I'm still screwed but I'm busting my *** and I know you can too. All that it takes is a first step. You posted here and that's a great, but very safe start. Now it's time, in my opinion to take the next step. In the mean time, we are here for you. Please be careful and don't over-do it. Remember that doses over 4000 mgs of acetaminophen= liver damage ! Most of the opioids that we are prescribed are mixed with the acetaminophen. It will damage you before you know it and will take a while before you realize it.... then it's too late.

good luck and you are in my prayers and I too, can use all that I can get.------..ms1 ......... one day at a time.

4evaN6 11-02-2007 09:27 AM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
I am so sorry that you are going through this difficult time...I totally "get it", I am only on my first week without my pain meds (today is day 7) and I am going it alone (no rehab, no doctors and hiding it from my friends/family/work).

I think it is easy for people who have had an addiction (like those on this board) to understand...but not so easy for people who have never experienced it. It makes you feel ashamed to admit it to them and get the help that you need. Someone here mentioned to tell your Mom (that your Mom may already know), but from my personal experience...that all depends on your situation. When I was 19, I had a serious cocaine habit (about an 8 ball a day) and my Mother walked in on me while I was cutting it with a razor on a huge mirror...she left the room and told my sister that she thought I was "trying to kill myself". Huh? My Mom is pretty naive and never drinks, much less had any sort of drug experience...she didn't even see it right in front of her face. So now, years later, I have a kid of my own...how in the world could I explain my pill popping to her? It's not so easy...

Find someone you trust to confide in...it doesn't matter who that is as long as they can support you (whatever decision you make). Nobody can tell you when it is the right time to quit...only you can do that. BUT, you cannot suffer through a time like this all alone. Please don't! If something were to happen to you...oh, I don't even want to think about it! Someone has to know...but it doesn't have to necessarily be a doc or rehab, just someone you can trust who can keep an eye out for you while you feel confused and cloudy. In the end, you'll make the right choice and everything will be ok...just remember that this is just a rough patch, you can get through it.

Let us know how your doing?

redrockrag 11-03-2007 10:13 AM

Re: I quit quitting. I have accepted the fact that I will always be a pill junkie.
 
You are being too hard on yourself. I know what it feels like to be all proud of myself and then I'm so proud I take the meds as a pat on the back.....so sick. Get off one and then the other. If you can take the Tramadol, stay away from the opiates for a month then try and taper off those. Are you in a lot of pain? I am all alone in this too and confessing this weakness and the idea of taking time and paying money for rehab is just out of the question.
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day.


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