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Old 10-14-2007, 01:42 PM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Florida, USA
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Sweetie31 HB User
Unhappy In tears as you realize- I'm addicted.....

I just posted earlier...chronic pain and ready to detox. It seems...I read this board and I think,,,wait~ This ISN'T ME reading about others, this is ME! I trusted my physician, I thought it was the best & ONLY way..and now this white pill controls my every thought! I haven't gone off yet but am fearful my whole "being" will change after living 5/6 years on those little white pills that made me pain free...made me happy & able to deal with life, and inevitably....makes me wonder if I will even be the same person OFF of them!

I sit here...I look at the clock (4:30pm) and my mind has been controlled over the idea that "at this time I'd usually have probably 5 to 6 (50-60 mg's)percocets under my belt and now~today~ I have had 2 - total of 20 mg's! It is accomplishment BUT....this is when you realize, I'm addicted! Yep, "Me" not the person I read about on the board, not some story I heard, just Me! I have a bottle of my medication that I must make last until my stop date (when work & home are taken care of) and believe me- do you know how easy it feels to want to reach in and grab "just one" because I can reason with myself that it's not the 8 that I would usually take, it's not even 5 or 6 today....it would only be a 3rd pill when usually I would have had much more - this is now down to just under half my dose! I am practicing self control....I am not grabbing it, though I would want to! Because it is THERE! Because I feel lousy (from my medical conditions) but mainly I think its because my body wants it??? Maybe my mind too! I can't not believe I have allowed a pill to control my life, to change it, to make it feel like "it" is what everything centered around? Just get past the urge I say to myself...go fold laundry or something.....you need to keep these meds, controlled as you need enough to reach the STOP date...I think, if it feels like this now, how will it feel when there is NONE left - no option to grab one? Admission of this situation to myself is hard, but being so mad at myself for letting something like this take over/control my life is worse!

I had to let it out.....it kept my fingers busy! along with my coffee & cig's---seems the intake of my coffeee & Ciggies has increased too ...but hey, I'm not giving up them now too! They can stay my buddies through this!

I hope to find much support on this board!
TY all & much luck to you too

 
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Old 10-14-2007, 02:01 PM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: NewEngland
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frogster0000 HB User
Re: In tears as you realize- I'm addicted.....

hey sweety: i know exactly how you feel, i went throught he same dam thing.
my dr closed practice after 5 years me being on perks 6 every day. i was scared as hell as to what i was gonna do with the last script i had was going quickly, as you will prolly find when you go to new drs they are toooo afraid to give us what we have been on for so long, they are only worried about themselves i assure you. i could write a whole book on my story but i have to run to work.

all i can say real fast is when i ran out of perks on my last script the withdrawls were hell and mentally depressing. its like awakening from a warm dream and it aint alot of fun, anyways i tried for 3 days to fight the withdrawls and finally coudnt and told my sister how i felt and she found a dr who prescribes suboxone something knew nothing about but feeling like crap i didnt care i went that day told him
i feel terrible and how many perks i had been taken and that i coulndt afford to be out sick for work,. so i started suboxone within the hour hr wrote a script made me come back to his office and he watched me put the first pill under my tougne.. thanks to god i felt great within an hour .. but theres more to the story that i would like to tell you. arent you tired of worrying bout when your getting perks or how many you have left ? anyways i have to run, take the pills you have left and break em into half them halves again untill you have a plan..

try not worry yourself sick.
do though find your bible and ask god to help you with this as its not gonna be easy if you are forced into withdrawl

take care

pj

Last edited by moderator2; 10-14-2007 at 03:00 PM. Reason: posted contact info

 
Old 10-15-2007, 04:04 PM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 836
granny0 HB User
Re: In tears as you realize- I'm addicted.....

Hey Sweetie,
It's a horrible realization that you're an addict, I know. We only think of addicts as the street people, prostitutes, addicts portrayed on tv, etc.
I was in total denial that I was addicted until I ran out of hydrocodone after using it for 2 yrs, getting it from various sources, but not illegally. Well, I did not even realize I was going thru withdrawal. Went to the dr with my list of complaints (never told her about the hydro) and she diagnosed me with depression. I was very depressed. Alot of things had gone bad in my life over the past 5 months. But the biggest trigger for my depression was the lack of
hydro (my crutch) in my life. I never took mass amounts of the hydro so my withdrawal was not too bad. Never missed a day of work but sure felt like crap. I'm on some anti-depressants and blood pressure meds and am starting to feel better again. Cravings are about gone. I have got ALOT of support from this board. See if you can get the Sub stuff people talk about. You're doing good with your taper, keep it up! It's hard but it can be done as you see testimony's from other people on this board.
Best Wishes!
JB

 
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