| | In tears as you realize- I'm addicted.....
I just posted earlier...chronic pain and ready to detox. It seems...I read this board and I think,,,wait~ This ISN'T ME reading about others, this is ME! I trusted my physician, I thought it was the best & ONLY way..and now this white pill controls my every thought! I haven't gone off yet but am fearful my whole "being" will change after living 5/6 years on those little white pills that made me pain free...made me happy & able to deal with life, and inevitably....makes me wonder if I will even be the same person OFF of them!
I sit here...I look at the clock (4:30pm) and my mind has been controlled over the idea that "at this time I'd usually have probably 5 to 6 (50-60 mg's)percocets under my belt and now~today~ I have had 2 - total of 20 mg's! It is accomplishment BUT....this is when you realize, I'm addicted! Yep, "Me" not the person I read about on the board, not some story I heard, just Me! I have a bottle of my medication that I must make last until my stop date (when work & home are taken care of) and believe me- do you know how easy it feels to want to reach in and grab "just one" because I can reason with myself that it's not the 8 that I would usually take, it's not even 5 or 6 today....it would only be a 3rd pill when usually I would have had much more - this is now down to just under half my dose! I am practicing self control....I am not grabbing it, though I would want to! Because it is THERE! Because I feel lousy (from my medical conditions) but mainly I think its because my body wants it??? Maybe my mind too! I can't not believe I have allowed a pill to control my life, to change it, to make it feel like "it" is what everything centered around? Just get past the urge I say to myself...go fold laundry or something.....you need to keep these meds, controlled as you need enough to reach the STOP date...I think, if it feels like this now, how will it feel when there is NONE left - no option to grab one? Admission of this situation to myself is hard, but being so mad at myself for letting something like this take over/control my life is worse!
I had to let it out.....it kept my fingers busy! along with my coffee & cig's---seems the intake of my coffeee & Ciggies has increased too ...but hey, I'm not giving up them now too! They can stay my buddies through this!
I hope to find much support on this board!
TY all & much luck to you too