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Old 10-16-2007, 07:27 AM   #1
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I don't even know how to start - anyone?

I don't know if you even remember me Reach, it has been a long time, and Ready, you have never even met me, but I need you advice now. My short story is I suffer from severe post partum depression and severe migraines. Unfortunately, I am allergic to Imitrex and all those medications used to treat migraines, so my physician prescribed Lortab for them. For a long time, I only used it as prescribed, no problems. But then I had my fourth baby, the post partum depression hit hard, and my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and everything was falling apart. I kept using as prescribed until my baby was about one (the oldest was only 6) and my father (my rock in my life) was given less than a year to live. The depression worsened and the migraines came so frequently that I felt I was doing the worst job as a wife and mother as any one ever could. And that's when I finally noticed the effects of the Lortab. Not only did it take the migraines away, but it made me stop crying. It helped me get my housework done and take care of my kids. It helped me to be strong and take my dad to his last radiation appts and tell him and my mom when there was less than a month left.

Needless to say I became addicted, and addicted hard. By November of that year I was up to 30 pills a day to keep things together. And then my husband and my physician found out. They sent me to a 30 day inpatient rehab last Jan/Feb and since then I have been doing, well, not so great. The depression and anxiety have been sky high, but I was afraid to tell anyone, because all they wanted to hear was that I was all better, and that I could take care of everyone again. Finally I broke down again in August and used again, and of course they found out. But this time I was honest and told them how things were really going. I got a good psychiatrist, and a wonderful clinical social worker/therapist who specializes in addiction, grief and depression counseling. So I was finally starting to make some progress, but still very fragile.

This week, on Wed. I was supposed to go on a trip to NY with some girlfriends for a much needed break. Unfortunately, it had my anxiety really going because I'm very afraid of flying, and I have never flown without getting a migraine. I made several attempts to speak with my family physician about anything we might be able to do to address this. I spoke with my therapist about it, who also told me to talk to my physician. But he didn't get back to me. And then here's where the problem comes in. I'm upset, not knowing how to handle it, so I start packing. And in the bottom of one of my drawers I come across a blank signed prescription from my physician. I had found it on his nurses desk over a year ago, and had taken it "just in case." Well, I had totally forgotten about it until now.

Well, you know what happened. The addiction totally took over, I filled in the prescription myself, took it to a pharmacy and filled it and came home. My thinking of course was, this gets me through the flights, and then I'm done, no more worries. Not so. The pharmacist called my physician b/c he didn't think the prescription looked right, of course my doctor said he didn't right it, and the pharmacy called the police.

I am so scared and ashamed and anxious that I can hardly breathe. I've never even had a speeding ticket. I have no idea what is going to happen. I did call an attorney friend who gave me the name of a criminal attorney who is going to call the police for me today and find out what is going to happen, but I am getting physically sick over this. I have considered suicide, but I can't do that to my babies, that wouldn't be fair to them. I just want to wake up from this bad dream. Please, anyone who is out there, I need help.

Bridget

 
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Old 10-16-2007, 08:05 AM   #2
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Bridget,
I know you are totally freaking out over this, but you have to stay marginally calm. You made a big mistake yes, maybe God knew this is what it would take to totally get you off this stuff. It's powerful, isn't it? It's what I was addicted to also from a car accident. If I would've found a blank script, I probably would've done the same thing. It's too tempting not to. I'm praying for you, you have to be strong now for your kids.. don't even think about ending it, you don't want to let some little pink or blue pill take everything away from you. IT'S NOT WORTH IT. You know that.. But you do need to get help. Relapses happen, it's not the end of the world. Hopefully since this is your first offense you will just get some community service or something like that.. be strong though.. your kids need you.. I'm here if you need to talk!

Brandi

 
Old 10-16-2007, 08:26 AM   #3
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Add1ctionSux HB User
Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Wow. That could potentionally be bad (the police). Was the prescription for someone else? I've done the same thing. But I never had a problem. My ex wife came back to florida fora visit and she had her boyfriends lortab script with her. I went and filled it myself (at the time i was addicted to codeine). I never had any problems. But I will be honest, I do know of a woman who got sentenced to 10 years in prison for writing false prescriptions for herself. Althoug you didnt write it, so you should be ok. Probably just send you back for a more extensive drug rehab and detox center. I hope everything works out for you. Pill addiction is hard. Right now my addiction is benzos (valium and xanax) and i still frequently take lortabs. Actually, I owe my boss 75 dollars for some lortabs he fronted me just a few days ago. Im not as addicted to the pain killers, but if I can get them.. I will. But im never on the hunt for them. If someone says they have some, I'll get them. I wouldnt call it an addiction, more like.. a "hobby" lol.

 
Old 10-16-2007, 08:45 AM   #4
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

I am a paralegal and I can tell you what the law is. (in my state anyway) I can't give you legal advice, but I can tell you what I would do in your situation.

First, in my state (Colorado) prescription fraud is a Class 5 felony which CAN carry a 1-3 year term. That depends on all kinds of vairiables so don't freak out yet! But it is a felony. Being that you were in treatment before might actually help your case as they are more likely to make you go to treatment again. If you have never been in trouble before it is likely for you to go to court on a summons and not have to be arrested and be bailed out etc. If I were you, I would contact the police and find out who the detective is. Call them and ask them what the situation is. Tell them you want to clear it up. I WOULD SAY NOTHING and MAKE NO STATEMENTS until I talked to a lawyer. If you can't afford one, get a public defender. But if you can afford it, I would call an attorney now because they can call the detective for you and possibly arrange it so that you don't have to be arrested and can go to court off of a summons as I mentioned earlier. A lawyer is more likely to make that happen for you.

I know it seems like the end of the world for you but it isn't. It could be worse, it could always be worse. This is prob. a blessing in disguise as this may cure your addiction for good before it got worse or to the level some of us are at which believe me, is a lot worse than jail! HANG IN THERE! If you have any questions, come back here. You have my support and I will do what I can to get answers for you.

 
Old 10-16-2007, 08:48 AM   #5
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Hello Bridget

Of course I remember you, Sweetpea. Smiles. You and I share much in common. I was also prescribed pain meds for very legitimate pain, but realize in retrospect that somewhere I had crossed a line and was usingthem to blot out the pain of losing my da and a whole mountain of other life tragedies that fell in a very short period of time.

Yep, you screwed up here, Honey, and it is best that your secrew up caught up with you. One of those hard-to-accept backwards blessings. ( Ready can write pages about these!). There is nothing to do but move forward once again. I somehow think that you made significant progress, but never reached the part of the road where confidence comes into our lives (and this does happen, truly).

Bridget, this whole episode is looming huge in front of you. Of course it would anyone, but can you please try to read a bit of a perspective from someone standing on the poutside looking in? This is NOT the crime of the century. It is not by a long shot. If you were reading this story in a newspaper, how much thought would you give to it? I would probably read it and think, "Do-do... go get some help." And some help is what you do need...still.... and that is okay! You are still fragile, yes, because your life is still being led in fear. We must accept life on life's terms or we live in fear.

A couple of life's terms right now:

First... of course you won't do anything as dumb as hurt yourself... that would just be an escape from what you must deal with, and fear or not, you are going to deal with it. you deal with it for many reasons.. for yourself, your marriage, your family, and very importantly and not to be forgotten, you deal with it because some day you will share with your daughters and they will understand that there is always hope, no matter how big a problem might seem at the time. Get yourself into a day program pronto... not just to try and outwit the law, but because there are still things you need to learn to cope with life. I know this, but because I let fear rule me way too long and until I learned to cope with it... day at a time, I could never breathe or live easily. Now I look forward to everytday and it is possible for you and every single person on this board to reach this place also.

Second, make an appointment to see that doctor. Confess, apologize, ask for forgiveness and help. You have done something wrong that can not be changed, but nee to make the attempt sincerely to put things right with the doctor again. Full disclosure, full honesty of what AND why you did what you did. The WORST that will happen is that the doctor does not accept the apology. We can not control what another does. HOWEVER, the best that can happen is that he does understand and continues to work with you.


Third, ... pray. Pray for strenghth to face what you must. Pray for guidance. Pray that you can accept that this is in no way an unsurrmountable problem. The court is not stupid, Sweetpea... your record (or lack of it) shows clearly that you are not a habitual lawbreaker. I am sure your attorney will tell you the same (and, yes, employ one). In my thinking, you are probably looking at mandated drug classes and probabtion time. Neither should be hard as you are a responsible woman. Getting into a day program of choice now MAY waylay accepting a court ordered program. If not, then do both. Not a biggie. Would only be a double dose of help.

Bridget, you are going to be okay. Truly. The shame and fear is magnifying this whole thing. yes, it is a big deal, but not life threatening, okay? NOT life-threatening. Take care, stay in touch with the board. be thankful, as hard as it may be to do, that you were stopped cold from jumping backl on the drug merry-go-round.

Hugs and all best wishes
reach

 
Old 10-16-2007, 08:59 AM   #6
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Reach reimded me of something. When I say 1-3, that does not mean Jail necesarily. It will most likely be probation as Reach said.

You have some excellent advice here. You are going to be fine, I know it.
Take care sweetie!

 
Old 10-16-2007, 09:17 AM   #7
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Hi Bridget:
I just wanted to give you some hope. I know someone who was working for a doctor, and she was stealing scripts and writing meds. for herself for a very long time. She didn't get any time.....she just had to go back into rehab (before this had been sober for 7years) and I think she had to do some community service also. Bcuz it was her first felony.....like yours.
Have faith and pray that things will work out. Everything truely does happen for a reason, and this has happened to get you the help you still need to get well and stay well.
Take care and try not to stress too much. It's in Gods hands now.

 
Old 10-16-2007, 11:46 AM   #8
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bridgetmark HB User
Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I am still as anxious as all get out, but I am hanging in there. I have already employed an attorney, and he already has a call into the detective on the case, we are waiting for his call back. So thanks, wheninrome, I guess I did something right there.

Reach, I spent over an hour at my home last night with my family physician. He has been my physician since I was a little girl. I cried and told him everything, apologized for being so disrespectful and not coming to him when I should have. He says he is not giving up on me yet, he just needs some time to think to make sure we are doing the best for each other. It is very hard for me, he is like a father to me, but I understand what he must be feeling too.

For everyone, I did tell my husband how I was feeling like I didn't deserve to be here anymore, and as usual, he has been amazing. He said if he didn't believe in me and still love me and didn't know that I would still make it through this that he would have taken the kids and been gone a long time ago. He still thinks I am the best mom for them, that I am his "one true love" (we are high school sweethearts) and that like Reach said, I just need to get my confidence back.

That part is just so very hard. I feel like I have let so many wonderful people down and I have done so very much wrong, things I would never have dreamed of doing. I am so ashamed that I can't quit crying sometimes. But I won't end it. I love my kids too much. They are so innocent and beautiful, and they don't deserve that.

Thank you again everyone, I have to go for now. I will keep everyone updated and keep checking in. Bridget

 
Old 10-16-2007, 12:06 PM   #9
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Hi Bridget,

I understand your situation (being a pain patient where other med didn 't work) I understand the "that pill keeps me going" concept. Now, I am also undergoing....I need to get off them and am soon to do so - just don't know which way to go about it being that I don't have a "Rock" at home (ie your hubby) Single parent here who needs to get off of these without much notice by my boss & others.

You have strength with your hubby & family....lucky girl, don't forget that when you feel hopeless. You will get through this and I bet without much harm done. You stepped up, admitted the problem, and APOLOGIZED- that is huge already. Now, the fact your physician has been a lifelong one, who you had the opportunity to sit down with is excellent. Therefore, I don't think that he PERSONALLY will try to charge you with something but...the fact the pharmacy was aware & called the police is different. I'd say the fact your very own physician (who was party to this) is agreeable to not give up on you - this is a godsend! Many peoples own physicians just DROP them when they realize the patient may have a problem - send them off to someone else to bear the burden!! I think you will be ok - but keep faith in yourself - you are very lucky compared to many - don't forget that!!! You had a weak moment is all...and felt desperate & a momentary lapse in judgment!! Damage is done, you learned the lesson, now just mend fences however you can!!
Remember this, your hubby said he wouldn't give up on you, or your doctor, and so therefore, do not give up on yourself!
My Best to you! Sweetie

 
Old 10-16-2007, 01:50 PM   #10
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Bridg,

Hon, I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner. I just got in from day treatment and read your post.

I know, all too well, what you are feeling. 2 days after I got caught stealing pills I jumped out of a moving car. (*note: do NOT try this, it hurts) You know suicide is not the option. Now, want you to say something with me.
" I am not a bad person trying to get good, I am a sick person trying to get well". Say it and believe it.

I remember getting busted and crying, and having panic attack after panic attack. I was so scare of loosing my kids, my family, having a felony on my record, of the story being put in the paper, of the w/d's I was going to go through...the whole thing. And at that time I couldn't imagine anything worse happening, and I'm sure you feel that way too. My attorney told me something though....nobody is dead, so it can be fixed. Stop for a moment and realize what COULD have happened. You could have gotten back to 30 pills a day, you could have gotten loaded with you kids in the car and killed them or someone else's child, etc. This is not the end of the world, even tho I KNOW it feels like it now.

When my incident first happened, I didn't want to look at it as being a blessing. I was scared, hurt and ****** off. And it may take time for you to look at yours in that way as well, and that's OK. Stay clean long enough and it will come. You've already done so much more that I did. I did the typical addict thing and tried to hide my run in with the law. You told your husband, you called up the dr. That takes courage, hon, and you have it, so there is no doubt in my mind you can get clean and stay that way. I tried to quit and failed way too many times to count, but this go around has been a lot better. Today is day #53. And I'm not going to BS you, it has been work, but I wouldn't take back that life of active addiction for anything now.

I know a lot of people here don't do the NA thing, and that's OK. But for me, it has been what has kept me straight in those times I really wanted to use again. Try a couple of meetings. Your hubby seems supportive, so go for it. It can't hurt anything, right? I beat myself up so badly for the things I did, and I felt so alone, but walking into those rooms made me feel a part of and not apart from...make sense?

This is your first offense, so I highly doubt you'll see any jail time. See if you can get into some kind of drug treatment again...both for legal reasons and for yourself. Also, if you decide to go to the NA meetings, bring something for the chairperson of each meeting to date and sign. Document EVERYTHING that you do from the time of getting caught forward that has to do with you getting help. Be proactive. It will help your case, and also make you feel like you're not just sitting there with your life in the cops hands (awful, awful feeling, I know).

You know what you did was wrong, and the fact that you feel bad about it shows that there is a soul inside you. Fight for it, because you are worth it. I'm sending you lots of prayers, good thoughts and love.

Stay strong,
RTBD

 
Old 10-17-2007, 12:35 PM   #11
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Hello everyone, just checking in like I said I would. Still no word from the police. I don't know I they are trying to scare the heck out of me or what, but it is working. My stomach is completely in knots and I can't eat or it just gets completely upset if you know what I mean. I know what you mean RTBD, I am getting panic attack after panic attack. They have given me clonipin to take (they had put me on that prn before all this happened for my anxiety) but with everything Reach has gone through I'm scared to take it regularly so I only take one when things get really bad and I think I'm so panicked that I can't take care of my kids. The worst thing is we are getting storms and fronts going through here, and with the anxiety I'm experiencing, I'm getting daily migraines, and throwing up left and right. And nobody really wants to treat them right now, because nobody wants to give me any narcotics and I really don't want to take any. But I'm beginning to get a little sick. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm so sorry, I hate to be complaining like this. I'm just in a situation I've never been in before and I'm so scared. I just want to run and run and run. And I keep crying, and crying so I'm wondering if my post partum depression is worsening again, or if that's part of the anxiety and panic. I just tell myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep praying to God to take over everything b/c I can't handle it anymore.

Bridget

 
Old 10-17-2007, 02:43 PM   #12
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

I wouldn't be worrying about the police. The truth is, you are small potatoes and you just aren'ta priority for them right now which is a good thing for you. Are you coming off your meds right now cold turkey? If that is the case, that is why the panic and derpression and hoplesness you are feeling. Give it a few days and it WILL get better. Get some Valarian Root which is the vitamin version of Valium. Crawl into bed and just sleep this off. Don't give up, you can handle this. God doesn't give is what we can'thandle!

HANG IN THERE!

 
Old 10-17-2007, 08:21 PM   #13
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spark-o-cet HB User
Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

narcotics is the last thing you need right now,you have already proved you cant be trusted to take them or be around them.when this is all over with dont count on any dr scribing you narcotics again,at least in the area you are in.word gets around in dr offices and pharmacys about who is a drug seeking addict.this will go on your police record no matter the outcome of the court.it is the price we pay to play the game of narcotics.good thing is you will not go to prison/a local jail maybe.let this be a wake up call.it could be much worse.10-15yrs down the line bein addicted changes everything.good luck-spark

 
Old 10-18-2007, 12:38 AM   #14
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Re: I don't even know how to start - anyone?

Hello, everyone. I am finally starting to calm down. My attorney says no news is good news, like you said wheninrome, I am small potatoes. I have been calling my therapist regularly, and I talked to my husband, and I am going to start an outpatient day program for depression/anxiety that will also address my addiction issues. I'm really pretty excited because it will actually be the first time I will have a support group for my depression, the root of the problem, and the thing I have the most trouble dealing with. It teaches things like biofeedback, how to teach your brain new ways to handle stress as opposed to the old negative routes like before. They address grief also, something I know I need to deal with. So although it is very hard for me to say this, maybe this was all a blessing in disguise. All I know is right now I am very tired of trying to hold everything together and not feeling well enough to do it. And no, I'm not coming off anything cold turkey, I haven't taken anything for a long time. I struggled with the depression and anxiety from post partum issues long before I ever started taking Lortab. The Lortab, I found out later, just exacerbated everything, even though I thought it was helping.

Once again, thank you so much everyone for posting. It helps so much to come on here and see your replies! Bridget

 
Old 10-18-2007, 06:44 AM   #15
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Re: I don't even know how to start - Reach, ReadyTBD, anyone

Quote:
Originally Posted by bridgetmark View Post
The worst thing is we are getting storms and fronts going through here, and with the anxiety I'm experiencing, I'm getting daily migraines, and throwing up left and right. And nobody really wants to treat them right now, because nobody wants to give me any narcotics and I really don't want to take any.
Bridget
Hi Sweetie,
I'm so sorry that your going thru so much stress right now. Stay strong and LET GO AND LET GOD. He never gives us more than we can handle. I wanted to pass on some info. incase your still experiencing migraines/headaches from the stress.
For the migraines, can't they give you IMITREX or ZOMIG? Those are specifically for migraines and are non-narcotic. If it is stress and weather (which that is what it sounds like to me), then try asking for Torodol. That is like a high dose of Advil.....but it truely helps with inflammation in brain, which is what happens when we're stressed OR when weather affects our head.
Take care of you and when your feeling horrible, take a cold pack and lay it over your head while laying in cool bath. It really does help. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 
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