Obviously, i have been thinking alot. Went for a hike yesterday(during wd's --fun huh!) and was thinking about WERE I WENT WRONG? Why do I keep falling abck into the pit of pills. I admit that I love them. I look forwrd to them and LOVE the way they make me feel. I cant seem to attach the tangible danger and bad feelings that come along with them. That confuses me. What Am I missing. It is sooooo easy to hate them during a taper detox. My hopes are this. I already know so much about this disease (or at least think i do--maybe I dont) and I have pretty much cut myself off from the pills (so happy I dont have a dealer etc) --Did I know all along last summer that I would fail again. Am i taking this disease seriously. I have a whole bunch of soul searching to do to make this work. It may sound weird, but I hope you all understand when I say that I am scared to feel better.
I hear ya. That walk was the best thing to do! First, I am on day 5 without any pills. Feeling much better today...but during this I was scared & I wondered......where my last 6 years went? Everything I did was on meds? WHO AM I WITHOUT THEM NOW?? What if I am not functioning due to pain, or FUN or likeable?? Because we know those drugs change us in some way?? However, I spoke to someone who said to me........You are STILL going to be the same person you were, if you were nice - you will still be nice, those characteristics won't change!! You are still YOU! YOu just aren't being "Owned" anymore and relieved yourself of that worry!!! I want to OWN Myself! Be Free! Great thoughts on your post........your making strides....my best to you.....
Ps....AFter feeling crappy, I can't wait to really SMILE a REAL SMILE, and laugh a Real Laugh again!!! I look forward to that!
Obviously, i have been thinking alot. Went for a hike yesterday(during wd's --fun huh!) and was thinking about WERE I WENT WRONG? Why do I keep falling abck into the pit of pills. I admit that I love them. I look forwrd to them and LOVE the way they make me feel. I cant seem to attach the tangible danger and bad feelings that come along with them. That confuses me. What Am I missing. It is sooooo easy to hate them during a taper detox. My hopes are this. I already know so much about this disease (or at least think i do--maybe I dont) and I have pretty much cut myself off from the pills (so happy I dont have a dealer etc) --Did I know all along last summer that I would fail again. Am i taking this disease seriously. I have a whole bunch of soul searching to do to make this work. It may sound weird, but I hope you all understand when I say that I am scared to feel better.
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It's a love-hate relationship with me as well (opiates). Time and the absence of sources of drugs ended my love-hate relationship with meth, coke, cigarettes. I see that relationship, like my cigarettes, fading into the background, no longer a love-hate relationship, but a feeling of thankfullness that I don't use them and a feeling of sorrow and understanding for thost that do. That pobably doesn't make much since, but I have to go to work.
I'm sure that reach will be posting soon and reach inside herself (no pun intended ha-ha) and pull out those "soothing" and insightful thoughts of hers.
Re: New mental direction --thoughts? 
