[FONT="Comic Sans MS"][COLOR="Indigo"]First off, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted a reply to my question.
This was the first time i used this site and i wasn't sure what to expect.
I feel very encouraged today after reading all your kind words!
Everyone had the same theme in their reply, "That i can do it!"
Second, I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, And i keep wondering how this one little pill can take control over so many people's lives.
I feel like I have become another person all because of this stupid drug. What it comes down to is that it doesn't matter why I originally starting taking it. It is where i ended up. And i ended up becoming addicted.
I feel like i lost my innocence. (if that makes any sense). I have become a person that i do not like anymore. And it is really sad to be honest with myself and say that and to even write that. But I feel that i need to start being honest with me and to see what it has done to me.
I always thought that by taking it that i had more energy, was funnier, worked better, made me not depressed, etc, etc. But at the end of the day and i run out of them i see it for what it really is....
I take anit-depressants and i see someone, but i always make excuses as to why they don't work. And now i am just beginning to realize that for what it really is. (Excuses) I don't give them time to work, because i like, LOVE percocet too much. It is such a love - hate relationship. And it doesn't love me back.
I realized how bad i had gotten with my addiction this week when i came down with strep throat and bronchitis. My ear, nose and throat dr. (who doesn't know about this problem) called in some prescriptions for me. And one of them was a codeine cough syrup. Well, you had to see the look of pure excitement on my face when i opened the bag at home after picking up the scripts and seeing the bottle. I all but thought it was christmas!! Then my old self kicked in and said this is not normal. You should not be excited over a bottle of cough syrup. But i was. And all day long i sat in a happy stupor smoking ciggarettes. (great for bronchitis right) Lying to myself about the reasons why i take it and why i can't stop.
So i realized i need to stop the crap. Because out of all the lies i tell to people, i seem to lie to myself the most.
Thank you for letting me share this with all of you.
I think you pretty well spoke it and summed it up- that's how the rest of us feel/felt. You've realized you hava a problem. Now it's time to figure out how to dispose of it. Thanks for your post and honesty.
Just wanted to say that I have totally been where you are. It took a full breakdown for me to do what I had to do and get off the opiates and Xanax. I knew, I knew at a deep level that these drugs were taking my essence, my life away from me, but I feared coming off them. I didn't like what I had become, but I feared what I might become without them.
I am off them now and understand that my fear to be off them was a self-induced fear. There is nothing to fear in my restored life... nothing at all. I am whole again, I am loved still, I am productive, I am happy. It sure wasn't easy getting here as withdrawal is tough, but I survived, I am here, and I don't want to ever go back to that dark pit where I was.
I am on an antidepressant. I was on it years before I began the tapering off of opiates and benzos. During my taper I learned many things through both research and what I was experiencing. One thing I learned is that antidepressants can not work properly or to their maximum potential if we take opiates at the same time. As the tapers went along, the antidepressant kicked in again as it had when I first began it.
The honesty thing... oh, man, is it such a vital part of finding recovery from using drugs like opiates improperly. So vital. I think the time is ripe for you too get honest with a doctor now that you have gotten honest with yourself. It will be a huge first step in reclaiming your life. Please try to do this. It is always scary to make that step to 'go public' with the issue, but understand that it ios an issue doctors hear and deal with all the time. do it and your own journey off will truly begin.