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Old 11-05-2007, 09:23 AM   #1
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I'm Back, and miserable :(

Man OH MAN! Why is it that u can't have a relaxing vacation without having to come home to sheer HELL to pay for it! I had SUCH a nice time with my Mom.....and now today sucks!
I had a long day of traveling yesterday, even though the flight only takes 1 1/2hrs, it ends up being a good 9 1/2 hours from start to finish with taking bus to airport, waiting for flight to arrive, getting bags and driving home from airport. Needless to say i was EXHAUSTED last night. My poor dog had been left at my Moms (husband was SUPPOSED TO PICK HER UP) with my Moms dogs every single day for like 12 hours each day ALONE. So she was freaked when i came home last night....and woke me up (not that i was sleeping bcuz my husband was snoring like a Rhino!!) with poopie smeared ALL Over her furry hiney and shaggy tail. So i'm cleaning this up at 3am and washing her patootie at 3am in tub. When i woke this morning i have 3 loads of laundry (2 just for the mess she made last night....has to do 1 pooh in every inch of house) and found pooh on my SHEETS! NICE!!!!!!!!!! Sleeping in pooh and not even realizing it.
Work has been INSANE (of course) and i'm walking around with black rings around my eyes and legs and feet KILLING me from walking in hard shoes all weekend. I'm close to tears..............and then i find out one of our employees quit so my Dad is expecting me to work even MORE this week!
I'd been considering going to a detox this week, and now i'll have NO support from him. He turns into a miserable jerk when it comes to work being stressful. And he loses all sympathy or general fatherly love when he's stressed.
So now i'm sitting here at noon on a Monday not knowing what or when i'll go to detox. Feeling overly tired and exhausted and upset.
The only place i can find (as of now) that accepts my insurance is this seedy place about 45 min. from here and i'm a bit skeptical and nervous about it.
I keep TRYING to find a list online of places that are in insurance, but NOOOOOO that can't be easy or accessible! Insurance is never easy!
So i just had to come on here and vent......bcuz no one else understands.
I had a GREAT time away......was out of Lorcets and actually felt MUCH better just being on Subaxone. Wasn't sleepy all the time like i've been for past 2 wks. on Lorcets. Even though they gave me a slight "high", i'd come crashing down within the hour and just be tired.
So i'm taking about 2mg right now (that's what i have past 4 days) and hoping to lessen it before i get to detox center (who knows when that'll be).
Just checking in and seeing how everyone else is too. Miss u guys!

 
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Old 11-05-2007, 10:40 AM   #2
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hey Maggie!
Sorry to hear things were so bad for you once you came home. But at least you had a good time away with your Mom. It's always something, isn't it? Do you think if you sat down with your Mom and Dad and told them about the detox place it would be any better?? Today is my downdose day as well. I took my 2 mgs @ 7 this morning, waited as long as I could, started feeling a little anxious so I took another 2 while ago. Now I'll wait and take another 2 tonight. I know it's nothing like you being down to 2 a day.. I can't imagine. That's why I'm taking baby steps to get there. Anyway, hang in there and any time you need to post, I'm here to listen!

Brandi

 
Old 11-05-2007, 11:06 AM   #3
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hey Brandi!
Thanks for responding......after i wrote and sent it, i worried that i was complaining too much over something seemingly so stupid. But it just keeps pilling up today, one thing after the next.
My Mom understands about detox and has no "issues" bcuz her and my Dad aren't married anymore......so she doesn't have the same loss if i went by me missing work. I work for my Dad and Brothers company, but they've been so called "patient" with me in past over my numerous "issues".....and i just don't think they have any empathy anymore. I went to rehab 3 yrs. ago (under the FORCE of them) and the way my brother sees it is "you had your chance" kinda attitude. Which is ridiculous, but he just hasn't a clue what addiction is about.
Then my DAd, one minute he's all caring and compassionate, the next ( i swear he's bipolar) he's angry. He is an addict (recovering) also, so u'd think he'd be super supportive. But in my eyes, he's just a "dry addict" or whatever they call them. He's so up and down and u never know what mood he's in from one minute to next. So i'm anxious for the time when i have to say "ok, i need this week off".........but i'm trying not to let that get to me. I have to put me first right now, and my sobriety. Or i'll never get to have a family of my own. So they'll get over it!
Yeah, surprisingly it was easy for me to get down low in dose. I only felt a difference when i hit the 3mg mark. But i'm doing pretty darn good for being on 2mg. Of course i was only on .5mg every FEW DAYS last week, but i was also substituting Lorcets (6 a day) so that wasn't good for me.
You can do it! Honey if I can do it, anyone can! Seriously!!! I've been battling this demon forever, and months and months would pass and i'd think "i'm just not strong enough".....but i got down to 2mg and did it fairly well. And i'm telling you, if i could make it thru (with the severe headaches the tapering has caused) YOU CAN TOO!
You'll actually feel much better on a lower dose, once you've leveled out. I don't feel as moody OR constipated. It's so nice to "go" regular (sorry if TMI). Thanks again for posting, i like hearing from you!

 
Old 11-05-2007, 04:55 PM   #4
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

LOL!! I completely know what you mean. I have that problem now.. I know it should be easy.. I think a lot of it is in my head. I just have to keep pressing on.. And you're completely right, your health comes first. If they love you, and I'm sure they do, then they will understand eventually. I can;t see them actually firing you.. Anyway I like talking to you as well!! So keep in touch!

Brandi

 
Old 11-05-2007, 05:16 PM   #5
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

maggie the dog has got to go.there is no way i could ever stand a dog or any animal in the house.what did your husband say about sleeping in dog doo?it has a smell like no other that is for sure.



deleted


.thats pretty funny sleeping in doo and not knowing it.ha.anyway back to suboxone,maggie it seems you are in a stuck position and i dont know what else to advise you to do at this point.like you said try rehab,ithink that is the only thing that is going to work for you at this time.

you may have to find another job,theres plenty of them out there right now.are you going to see sub dr or just forget it at this time?good things are headed your way,just may take so time to get there.good luck maggie and watch where you step and sleep.lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll-spark

Last edited by Administrator; 11-05-2007 at 08:23 PM. Reason: Very inappropriate subject

 
Old 11-05-2007, 07:28 PM   #6
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hey Maggs !!

Glad to hear you had a good time with Mom.... but sorry to hear of all your troubles at home. I gotta agree with spark, i DID kinda chuckle when i read about the doo everywhere... im sure you weren't laughing though, so i did it for you... lol

deleted


i know that you will find the right time to get to rehab, and please keep looking, you will find a place to go. what kind of insurance do you have? do they have a list of places that accept their insurance? maybe you can call them and find out?
if i were you i think i would stay on the 2mg till things calm down with dad and at work, and then approach him about the rehab. ultimately, i know/hope that he wants the best for you, its just hard for him to see that right now b/c he's stressing about whats right in front of him right now. have patience, God is on your side, and as long as you keep doing the next right thing, everything will work out for you in the end. i know its hard to have patience with all that is going on in your life right now, but if you are ok on 2mg, then you have a little bit of time to work with, ok? deep breath, calm, breathe - in through the nose, out through the mouth. nice, deep, slow breaths.... ok? all better now? chuckle, chuckle.
keep your sights on your goal. you are and have been doing so good with this. most people would have just given up by now, but you have persevered through all these tough times, and just keep on going... i am really in awe and impressed by you and you inspire me to do better, you really do. i just dont have that will. maybe b/c i have no goal, no time limits, no framework, no real plan.... so ill just keep comin back here and hope that by osmosis, i get some from you, ok?
ha ha......

hope to hear back from you soon, girl !!!!

take care,

michelle

Last edited by Administrator; 11-05-2007 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 11-06-2007, 06:33 AM   #7
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hi Maggie-Mae

Had to wait a couple of days before responding because the truth is, I read your post and couldn't stop chuckling about the do-do all over the place. I kept hearing the refrain of Old McDonald in my head with a revision of the words:

"With a do-do here
And a do-do there
Here a poo
There a poo
Eveywhere a poop-de-do......"

Sorry, but I am still laughing about it. Chuckles.

On a more serious note....
So what if Dad has expectations of you working more. We can not, Maggie, live our lives according to anyone else's expectations of us. And only we, as indiciduas, have the power to stop doing that. This misery is a self-imposed one, Honey. We will always be our parents' children, but there comes a point when we must transition in their adult children. The first time I did this was when I quit my job at the Post Office and decided to be a stay at home mom for a time. My Dad kept telling me that I was making a mistake giving up a government job, security....yadda, yadda, yadda. And I listened to him respectfully and then made up my own mind. He survivied it, and I think that was the point at which I finally became an adult child.

Same happened to me with each of my own kids at different points in their maturing. The day my 22 year old daughter called from her relocation to Florida and told me she had moved in with a boyfriend. I said, "Move out!" She said "No." So what was I going to do? Spank her? Ground her? Send gher to her room? I was powerless. She had made an adult decision. And I had no choice but to acknowledge that regardles of my thoughts, she was now an adult and could make her own decisions. ANd she had a right to do so.

So, Maggie, gotta let go of who thinks what and why and make your decisions now based on what is best for you. Let the chips fall where they may when important decisons about your life need to be made. Like now. If you decide that a rehab is what you need now, then do it, for Pete's sake. You only dishonor yourself if you do not move forward with your plan of action. for what it is worth... I think it is a good plan. But my thoughts, the board's thoughts, your Dad's thoughts... they are all just thoughts for you to consider before you make your own, Maggie's, decision. Capish? It is not wrong or sinful or disrespectful to make an adult decision here based on what you believe is right for you.

Go get 'em, Tiger!
reach

 
Old 11-06-2007, 12:55 PM   #8
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Maggieo
I have been traveling for work something i have not done in a long time. I have not posted in a while but i still think of you and everyone everyday. I am still sober. It has been a great ride if I can do it everyone can. Well i hope to catch up soon with you and pray that everything is going well.

all the best

wireman

 
Old 11-07-2007, 07:48 AM   #9
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hi All!
First Reach, now you've got me singing that song every time i take my dog out! hahaha
I really took to heart your post on taking care of myself first....and not worrying about what others think. And thankfully, after i told my Dad that I'm looking into detox centers and to be ready for me to be off 5-7 days, he responded warmly and with a "do whatever you need to do". So thats good news! I'm waiting on one place to call me back, and then I'm still trying to get a full list of providers from my insurance company. I'm not looking forward to the inevitable suffering, but I am looking forward to getting a kick start on this and having more hope. I feel so much more hopeful knowing that i will not be doing this on my own at home. I just couldn't do it with having to work and feeling the guilt from my husband coming home and me being sick. I'm a bit of a caretaker, and it was just too much.

MICHELLE: Hey girlie! I've missed talking to you. I read that info. on Subaxone you sent and found it very very informative. It makes total sense. I know i'm in for a very difficult time when i go to detox, but I'm getting so impatient and I KNOW myself, and if left to my own decisions, i'd never get off this stuff completely. Especially with having to "function" every day.....ya know what i mean? As i wrote to REACH above, feeling guilty for when my hubby comes home and having to make dinner, and having to work (even if just from home) is too much pressure to feel "o.k." for me. I need a kick-start and it to be a time when i'm just focusing on getting better. And if i'm home, i'll give in to the temptation of just "wanting to feel better".
I think it's great for YOU though to stay where your at and listen to your body. If it wasn't for me wanting a baby, I'd take my time also and stay where i'm at as long as necessary. I see NO problem in that, and that post on sub. just made so much sense on why it is necessary to let your body/mind tell you how fast to go.
And as i said above to reachey also, my Dad is finally (well atleast for today , agreeable to me doing this and is fine with me taking time off work. We're slow right now, so it's the perfect time actually.
Thanks for your support and praise! It really means alot to know that you think i'm doing good and that i haven't given up. It is true, a lot of people in my position, would have gone up in doseage just to feel better. And i'm particularly proud that I haven't gone "UP" in dose, knowing that i'm going to detox center. Most people purposely take much more before they go....kinda as their last "Harah!"

Sparks: Well i'm sure glad the moderator got rid of that one paragraph! I was about to kick your arse for doing that! You gotta love animals! They are Gods creatures and should be loved just like human beings!
I don't want to look for another job though, I have it perfect working from home for my family....especially for when i have baby. I won't be able to find anything else like this and especially since the economy is so bad and jobs are very very hard to come upon here. No, i'm not seeing a sub. doctor, and that's because i get mine from my Mom. She doesn't take her full prescribed dose and it started out as me just wanting "a few" and then turned into 10months of it. Her doc. said he'd see me, but at the time i wasn't planning on making this a habit (yeah right!) and didn't want to start paying for monthly visits and prescriptions. Thanks for the "good luck" wishes! I'll keep you updated on when i go into detox.

G8trgrl15: How are you doing? You live in Florida? ME TOO! Vero Beach.
So i'm trying to find a place (detox) not too far away, maybe 2 1/2 hrs max...that way my Mom can drop me off and pick me up. I'm anxiously awaiting this....i know it is going to be much harder than i'm aware of right now. Because i'm on the sub. and feeling fine. So i'm trying not to even think about it right now. Because we so easily forget how hard our past withdrawals were. I came off Methadone 3 yrs. ago in a rehab, and man that was hell on earth. I remember thinking "if coming off this med. is doing this much pain and damage to me, i'll never touch the stuff again". Atleast it's kept me away from Methadone though......evil drug and i'll never take any chances with that stuff again.

Got all the laundry done and house is clean after "blow up" from other night
I swear it was because she was so upset from me leaving her for 4 days. She is a "mamas girl" and is spoiled rotten. Put it this way, my family gets together for birthdays or whatever....and my Sister and Bro bring their kids, and i bring my dog! They've come to know that she's my baby!

Talk to you all soon i hope! Take care!

 
Old 11-07-2007, 12:20 PM   #10
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hey Maggie!
I live in a small county west of Jacksonville. I know J-ville has a few, but that's quite a ways away I know. I'm doing okay.. that info on the suboxone was very informative since there's still so much unknown about the medicine. I'm a true believer that your body will tell you when it's time to taper. I'm so happy that you finally got the worries from telling your Dad over with, and that he responded so well.. I know that's a huge relief for you. I'm so darn tired today.. Not sure why. Every day is a new adventure for me. Not sure how I'll end up feeling. Take care, and you make sure you tell us before you go into rehab so we can pray for you and wait for the wonderful update story!!

Brandi

 
Old 11-07-2007, 04:00 PM   #11
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Hello All:
Quick update on the detox situation. After calling about 25 places (no exaggeration), i finally found one that might be "it".
I swear, isn't it ridiculous how HARD it is to find a rehab when they're supposed to be there to HELP you! Every place I called either wanted a large sum of money upfront, couldn't do "detox", only took people in their county, or said they wouldn't take me for LESS than 21 days. I really felt like most of the people just blew me off.....didn't even try to see if they could help. And i have insurance!!!!!!!!!!!!! That makes me soooooo mad!
I spent a good 2 hours and 3 phone calls TRYING to get my insurance to fax me a list of facilities that were "in-network"......never got it.
Finally, after being "rejected" by yet another place, and when i was almost in tears over it, i got the name of a hospital in Port St. Lucie. I called the guy who heads it up and I have to say that I am feeling very very good about it.
He's calling my insurance in morning, but basically said "we'll make it work".
I had a wonderful long conversation with him and felt very comfortable with him. Shared a lot with him and felt like i knew him already.
So even though i never heard back from my insurance, i kinda felt like this is all happening just the way it's supposed to. Instead of me being angry and feeling rejected by so many places, I see this as Gods plan for me. And he knows EXACLTY where i'm supposed to be!
Another good thing is this place is only about 50 minutes away, plus i spoke to the guy about how my town has NO N/A meetings and he recommended a few that are in another town for when i get out.
See! I just need to Let Go and Let God and things always work themselves out. I'm sorry to go on and on, i'm just excited about finally getting somewhere. It's funny because the LAST thing you'd think i'd be is excited about this, but after 1 1/2 wks. of researching and feeling like i wasn't going to be able to do this, i feel different about it. Another way that God works in mysterious ways..........He helped me go through all this so that I'd actually be THANKFUL when i came upon a place.
Gotta go eat some Pizza w/hubby. Yum-yum-in-my-tum-tum-we-go-bah-bah! (a little silly inside thing my sister always says!)

 
Old 11-07-2007, 04:06 PM   #12
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by g8trgrl15 View Post
Hey Maggie!
I'm doing okay.. that info on the suboxone was very informative since there's still so much unknown about the medicine. I'm a true believer that your body will tell you when it's time to taper. I'm so happy that you finally got the worries from telling your Dad over with, and that he responded so well.. I know that's a huge relief for you. I'm so darn tired today.. Not sure why. Every day is a new adventure for me. Not sure how I'll end up feeling.
Hey Brandi-Boo,
Thanks for posting! I was also very glad to read that info. on subaxone. I'm going to print it out and give it to my husband and family so that they know exactly why this isn't a piece of cake. And i also TRUELY believe that your body will tell you when it's time to taper......if i wasn't wanting a baby so badly, I'd probably stay on it a bit longer. Each person is so different, and I think that for some, Subaxone is an absolute life saver. Who cares if your going to have to detox off it.....atleast some arent' risking their lives on the street trying to get high anymore.
I'm tired too......i'm always tired. And that is a BIG worry for me when i stop this. I've depended on it for SO long and worry that i will have a very hard time staying awake when i'm off. ESPECIALLY if i get prego. and have to deal with 1st trimester fatigue. Oh well, i can't let that stress me now, just have to wait and see. And pray that i'll be o.k.
I will keep you updated on when i go....it may be as early as Friday. Take care and i'll talk to you soon.

 
Old 11-07-2007, 04:08 PM   #13
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

wonderfull news maggie,now when the man says you can come be there in 3-4hours and dont wait at all.get there and get it over with.this is what you have been wanting for a month now and here it is.good luck-spark

 
Old 11-07-2007, 07:27 PM   #14
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

HI Maggie
I miss you!!!!! I am so happy for you! I will be thinking of you everyday and praying for! And for your doggie! Dont let spark tell you to get rid of her!!!! Bad Spark!! (kidding)


Oh and by the way - you JINXED me!!! I ran out of my pills this week- long story- you can read the thread i posted. I think the title was "What is wrong with me". So in the midst of my feeling like crap and having constant diarrhea - stay with me - there is a theme here - i finally come out the bathroom.

My Taco is only 4 pounds so she goes potty on a wee wee pad. So she does her business (tootsie rolls) and comes over and crawls in bed with me. I start smelling poo. Well - she had a little dangler on her but and it was all over my shirt and sheet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear that if you never posted your story it wouldn't have happened! But then again-instead of crying and having a temper tantrum, guess what i was able to do????

Because of your story i LAUGHED! In the midst of w/d's i laughed my head off! So i learned a really huge lesson that night! You guys are my saviors! Because of all of you terrific people sharing your bad days, your w/d stories and things that were really hard to share, It HELPED me!

It's crazy when i think about it. When we are sad and depressed and we come on here typing like a lunatic to make us feel better. In the end - It HELPS other people. I am not sure if i am making sense because i am really tired right now but the point i am trying to make is that i just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for sharing. Because even though what you are sharing may not be happy it helps others when they find themselves in a similar situation. I can look back and say- she got through it and so can I!!!

Oh and the family thing- yup whenever i don't bring Taco my nieces and nephews say to me "where is your baby?" HE HE it makes me chuckle! They even know she is the love of my life!

Oh and by the way REACH- that song has been stuck in my head ever since i read it!

 
Old 11-08-2007, 04:18 PM   #15
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Re: I'm Back, and miserable :(

im running for public office in the next election,DOGCATCHER. just a joke before all you dog lovers HOUND me to death.

glad you found some relief from the w/ds percpro.just want to know have you took a shower and washed sheets yet? PHEW WEE good luck with the taper and w/ds-spark

 
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