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Old 11-05-2007, 10:22 AM   #1
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grief leading me down the wrong path -

I started using my Lortab not according to prescription when my Dad's cancer went into the less than 6 mos. to live timeframe and then he died. I had to handle everything for him and Mom, and my 4 kids, ages 1-6 at that time. Not a good solution then, but I was deep in post partem depression, and it was the best alternative to the other I was thinking. I just found out yesterday that my Dad's brother, my favorite uncle, just had his prostate removed for prostate cancer, and I'm not dealing well with it at all. It's like I'm reliving everything, and I don't want to. My dad's been gone a little over a year and my mom's moved into the getting rid of everything of his and it's killing me. He was my rockand I miss him so much. I haven't used for quite awhile, but this is really testing me. I don't want to, I know it will come to no good, I'm not a stupid person. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. So I tried watching TV to get my mind off of it, and I started watching "The Family Stone" which seemed really funny until the very end, and then the mom died! It was awful. And so now I'm sitting here at the computer sobbing trying to get a grip on myself and not do something stupid. What is wrong with me? Why can't I move on like other people? When will this get better? Please help.

Bridget

 
Old 11-05-2007, 10:45 AM   #2
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Re: Reach, someone smarter than me, grief leading me down the wrong path -

Bridget, have you thought of maybe getting on an antidepressant just for now, when you're so vulnerable and depression sets in? It's a given fact that when you come off the opiates, a lot of people get depressed. And given with you're dealing with a big trigger.. the cancer. I'm not good with words like Reach, she's definately the best, but know that we're out there sympathizing with you and praying for you.. know it will get better!!!

Brandi

 
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Old 11-05-2007, 10:55 AM   #3
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Re: Reach, someone smarter than me, grief leading me down the wrong path -

Hey Bridget,
Like Brandi suggested, see your dr about an anti-depressant. I know I would not have made it thru the past few months without it.
It was also a death by cancer that escalated my dependance on pain meds. I have a co-worker who's daughter was dying from breast cancer. The co-worker is a good friend and I became very fond of daughter. It brought back vivid memories of my father's and sister in law's deaths from cancer. These are things that are almost unbearable to deal with on a good day.She died at the end of June and I still think of her everyday along with trying to be a support to her mother. Please don't take a step backwards. See your doctor before that happens and know you are not alone in your pain.
Best wishes,
JB

 
Old 11-05-2007, 11:58 AM   #4
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Re: Reach, someone smarter than me, grief leading me down the wrong path -

Thanks for posting, Brandi & JB, I actually am on an antidepressant, and I see a psychologist and theraptist. But like some people with severe clinical depression, sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough. But I really do appreciate your care. I mean, obviously, I'm not the only one who's ever lost someone to the disease, I just seem to be having trouble getting through it. Unfortunately now it's giving me a migraine. What I started taking the stupid pills for in the first place. And no, I'm allergic to imitrex and all those other migraine meds. I've been doing so much better, this is just like a real kick in the gut. Thanks for responding, guys.

Bridget

 
Old 11-05-2007, 07:30 PM   #5
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Re: Reach, someone smarter than me, grief leading me down the wrong path -

Hello Bridget

I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Of course you are not going to misuse any meds because, Sweetie, you do not want to relive that pain either.

Bridget, I, too, suffer from depression. PArt of it stems from a brain secrew up in the receptors becaue of a particular drug in the chemo cocktail I had to take. Like you, I am also on an antidepressant. The other part of the depression was caused by situations in my life... lost Dad and my uncle to cancer on the same day and was taking Mom to chemo inbetween the funerals. Mom survived, but within a year, I was diagnosed with a rare cancer.

I never grieved, really grieved, Bridget. What I did as time went by was to hid the grief in the pain meds... began to misuse and overuse them. Had a heart attack and laughed through it pretty much. I thought I could not deal with it, so I just didn't. I kept pushing on like nothing major had happened in my life and the pills helped me to keep going. And then came the crash... so big, so total, that I thought i would never pull out of it alive, let alone ever be really living again. I was broken physically, mentally, emotionally, and (perhaps saddest of all) spiritually.

I began the process of tapering in horrible shape. During it, I saw a psychiatrist briefly and then a social worker who helped a great deal and also my family doctor who is like my personal counselor as well as my physician. Along the way, I finally began to understand the importance of grieveing, really and truly grieving. I needed to grieve for the loss of my Dad who was so very, very special in my life. I had to grieve for my uncle and not only his passing, but the passing of the two men on the same day. I had to grieve for my Mom and all that she endured during her battle with cancer and the loss of her spouse of 50 years at the same time. And you know what else I had to understand to grieve for, Bridget? I had to grieve for myself. for my losses of family, for the hardships I had endured being caretaker for my parents and in large part, my uncle, for my illnesses, for the loss of part of my leg, for the loss of time in my life, for the loss of so much hapiness. And finally I did. Wailing came out of me from so deep inside that it almost scared me to hear it. So much had been bottled up for so long and it was literally leading me to a slow death physically and emotionally.

I think something that prompted it finally comingout was something the psychiatrist said to me ( and I didn't even like him too much!). he said, "We go on living because we have no choice." Somehow it was like the proverbial slap in the face when someone is hysterical. I may not have liked him much, but the man was right. I was going to go on living until I stopped breathing. And I had to make a decision. Was I going to continue trapped in my misery, or was I going to face the fear of my fears and tackle them headon. I tackled. I made myself relive my Dad's ending... I made myself see again the moments I was pulling phelgm out of his throat because he was choking. I saw in my mind again his wasted body laying paralyzed in a hospital bed. I saw it, I felt it and I wailed. And I had to do this with every painful issue of the last ten years. Face them, acknowledge the events that were life changing, feel the loss, feel sorry for myself and know that it was not bad that I did. ( I was real hung up on it being sinful not to just accept the things that had hurt me so bad). And I wailed many, many times.

And then, finally, it was over. The grieving for my family members, for myself. And now, finally, I am moving forward. The situational depression has finally been dealt with and because of that, I find I am able to deal with the depression I may always battle from screwed up receptors. I am currently on Lexapro, which sems to be working well for the past few years ( except for whne my opiate use got so high that it didn't allow the Lexapro to work). Also, I had been on Prozac for a long long time when i experienced "Prozac poop-out" and had to make a switc and ended up on Lexapro for maintainance. Sometimes antidepressants can just stop being effective and we need to change them. Did you know that?

Anyway, Sweetpea, it is normal to have thoughts of Dad come into your head in a negative way when Uncle has been diagnosed. Even to cry some. What is not normal is if it consumes you. In my opinion, that says that maybe you haven't really dealt with dad's death. Honey, you were in post partum depression and a huge life event came with Dad's passing. I don't think you have ever really grieved it. I really don't think so. How could you have? Your brain was struggling with its own issues and there was nothing left to help you cope well with the death. And you pushed on with the business of motherhood and helping Mom and just kept on going until BANG! here comes an event that has triggered everything again.

Bridget, I am not smarter than you or anyone else on this board. What I am, perhaps, is older and more experienced at this point in life. I don't think you are wanting to use, misuse, abuse , whatever, the pills again to "cope" so much as to "hide" from your pain. Coping means to deal with it, and to deal with it, it needs to be out in the open. I think that you should print your post and bring it right to your therapist. And if you need to, write a letter and spill your guts out about all that hurts you and give that to the therapist also. (I did this many times). Write your heart, your real heart out about what hurts you and then give the paper in. This way, there is no hiding behind awkwardness or embarrassment or getting side tracked in oral communication. And ask for help in understanding how to grieve.

When will the pain go away? When we learn not to stuff it down and try to hide from it, Honey. It took me ten years. Duh! I wasted so much time. So much time. I feared it and let the fear control me and didn't even understand it. So will you try to get some help? Some grief counseling? We all need tools to learn to deal with hardships in life. Tools to help us face it and not hide from it. No matter how hard we try and how good we might be at hiding from it, life has an uncanny way of reminding us harshly of what we are hiding from.

Bridget, it may not feel very good, but even hurt has a purpose in life. We learn from it, we become more caring and empathetic people because of it. Hurt in our lives is not a punishment because we are bad people. It comes into everyone's lives and we can allow it to crush us, or use it to make us better human beings. get the help you need to help you understand your own hurt.

All best hopes for you
reach

 
Old 11-06-2007, 07:11 AM   #6
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Re: grief leading me down the wrong path -

Reach,

I so wish I had been able to do a long taper like you while I was dealing with all of my issues. Instead I feel like I am battling two things at once now. But my husband just couldn't handle me being on anything at all. Now I feel as though I am battling myself along with my grief, and I don't know if I have the wherewithal to do it along with raising my kids and putting up a good front for them. I know I haven't grieved properly, but everyone around me seems to think I should be finished, and gets upset when I even try to talk about it anymore. So I feel like I have to keep it all in. Not my therapist of course, but it would be nice if I could talk to family and friends too. Did you ever run into this, and feel all alone? I'm hanging strong so far, and scheduling an appt for tomorrow with my grief therapist. Thanks Reach, I apprecieate all the help.

Bridget

 
Old 11-06-2007, 08:10 AM   #7
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Re: Reach, someone smarter than me, grief leading me down the wrong path -

What a wonderful testimony! Thanks

 
Old 11-06-2007, 12:54 PM   #8
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Re: grief leading me down the wrong path -

Reach, you are awesome.... no other way to put it. Keep on posting, Wise One!!

 
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