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Relationships after recovery

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Old 11-05-2007, 10:56 AM   #1
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Relationships after recovery

After living and being with someone -- knowing them only as an addict (oxy)..

then after becoming sober --

He's changed into a completely different person.. and now we do not get along at all

He's changed his whole life and is doing great at sobriety --
but its so hard to get along now because his views changed..

is this normal?

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Old 11-05-2007, 10:59 AM   #2
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Re: Relatoinships after recovery

yes it is, you don't know him anymore......
he's not the person you met.....
he's changed, and the relationship will change or end also

Old 11-05-2007, 12:03 PM   #3
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Re: Relatoinships after recovery

I don't think that's necessarily true. Yes, it's completely normal, but I don't think it means your relationship has to end. You two just need to live and fall in love with eachother all over again. You have to realize, right now he's learning to live all over again sober.. it's a very hard and scary thing to do. Just give him some time.. that may be all it takes..

Best of Luck

Old 11-05-2007, 03:22 PM   #4
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Re: Relatoinships after recovery

Hey MXchick,
He was probably easy going, in a good mood, full of energy, etc etc while
on the oxy. Now he's trying to live without his vise. I does change you but I hope not forever. I have a very short fuse these days that I did not have while using. I was never like that even before. So give him some time and talk to him about it. I'm sure he does not want to loose you too, but you should let him know how you feel.

Old 11-05-2007, 05:21 PM   #5
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Re: Relatoinships after recovery

my girlfriend has never known or been around me when i have been sober and clean.we met in 00 and i had already been an addict for a few yrs. so all she knows is the opiate me,and sometimes hes not as nice as he should be.its bad really to be with someone this long and not really know them.when i do get sober and clean and stay that way i dont think we will stay together.i have to be on something to put up with her.thats my take.-spark

Old 11-05-2007, 07:46 PM   #6
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Re: Relatoinships after recovery

We have been seperated 2 weeks now (on "talking" terms) and he called earlier saying he's going to come get more of his stuff so things aren't looking to good.. things i do now he can't tolerate and its hard to change yourself for another person.... I just assumed after being with someone that had a problem and loosing everything materialistic and still sticking w/ him would say something as far as how strong my feelings were towards him.. but aparently thats not all it takes!!!
thanks for your opinions and experience ....

Old 11-06-2007, 03:33 PM   #7
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Re: Relationships after recovery


I know this is a very difficult time for both of you right now. My husband and I are definitely going through a rough phase right now as well, and I don't know if we're going to make it. I am the addict in the relationship, and I have 74 days clean.

How long has he been off the oxy? The first few weeks are hell, and we all get quick to anger. Does he go to NA meetings? Treatment? Those aren't just to get off drugs. Most addicts have a LOT of other things they have to deal with, and learning how to handle anger is one of them. I never really learned how to deal with emotions except to get messed up, and when my drugs were gone and I had to face life on life's terms, I really didn't know how to do that. Maybe this is what is happening to him.

And please, please don't take this the wrong way, and if it doesn't apply, just ignore it, but think about it first. Most addicts, when we're using are very needy people, and some significant others of addicts are accepting of that because it makes them feel needed. When someone gets their sobriety, they start gaining some independence and that can often make the other person feel threatened, sometimes they may feel like if they don't try to keep a reign on the recovering addict they won't really be needed. This often causes a lot of problems in the relationships where one person is an addict and getting clean.

Also, mx, maybe he is just concentrating on his recovery, and knows if he can't get himself fixed, he is of no use to anyone else.

My advice is to just be supportive of his recovery. You can't do it for him, and you can't make him stay if he wants to go. Just let him know you want the best for him, and then take care of YOU. Loved ones of addicts go through the ringer, and it has probably been a while since you've concentrated on your needs. Do that now. Wishing you all the best.

Stay strong,

Old 11-06-2007, 03:54 PM   #8
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Re: Relationships after recovery

Very insightful, ready. Thanks for the post. Sometimes these things seem to happen when you need them most.


Old 11-07-2007, 09:12 AM   #9
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Re: Relationships after recovery

He has been off oxy since our 1 year anniversary.. Sept 20th.. he was in rehab for over a month (and he was cold to everyone in his family and would only talk to me cuz i wasn't forcing him to do anything..) anyway the day he got out of rehab he told me tha the didn't care what he did or how much money he had he was buying me a ring before he did anything because what i went through with him proved to him that i loved him since I was still supportive and by his side..
anyways.. while he was in recovery i went out a few times.. got a different job which he hated.. and started talkin to old friends agian because I was really lonley..
I moved 18 hours for him... and I'm kind of stuck b/c i dont want to leave.. but he's all i know here.. so i get so damn lonley...
he's living at his parents and im at his mothers (due to his addiction we lost our house and everything) and he only calls me when he needs something from me....
At first i was smothering him a little b/c i wanted to be with him cuz i missed him .. and he could'nt drive to his own meetings b/c he lost his license and has a ton of money issues now.. so i had to drive him everywhree which was hard on me too... and wait while he was at his NA meetings 2 times a day for an hour and a half in my car etc..
we will be seperated 3 weeks on monday -- and it doesn't seem to get any better.. things i do and have always done.. he wants me to change into a different person just b/c he has..

I'm just stuck in a horrible spot b/c im just waiting for him to come around... and i scared to make any commitments here b/c if he's out of my life.. .then i can't stay so far away from my family etc.. and he WONT talk to me at all... so im just sitting here scared to do annything.. EXTREMELY depressed...

He is very insecure right now too b/c he's pretty much a huge loser -- but it doesn't make sense why he's punished me and imm the one kissing his ***.. it should be the other way around...

Thanks for your advice.. and I'm trying to get the strength to take care of myself -- its just so damn hard.. espec being away from everything i know.. scared to make a move..

Old 11-07-2007, 09:15 AM   #10
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Re: Relationships after recovery

you need to start making the right choices for you....
stop revolving your life around him
stop putting your life on hold waiting for him to recover.

Old 11-07-2007, 10:42 AM   #11
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Re: Relationships after recovery

I am so sorry for everything that you are going through. I know that i am treating my boyfriend so badly. I am tapering off percocets and i treat him like ****! I don't know why i do it. I just am very snappy and irratible.

But there is also a line here. I do love him. And he knows that i act the way i do because of these stupid drugs. And i try to remind him that i am not really me right now. And that i appreciate everything he does for me.

I have offered to let him go because i don't want to drag him through the mud while i go through this but he wants to be by my side.

I don't know how we will get along after i am sober.

Is there a way that you can go home for a week? Just take a little vacation to go see your family? Maybe they can offer some advice. And also maybe seeing them will clear up some of your feelings.

I think you need to step away from the situation. Right now you are so deep in it by living with his mom, driving him everywhere, supporting him etc, etc. He is your life there.

I think you really need to get away from him and that town at least for a week if you can and try to gain some perspective.

There is a line between being there for someone and also having that someone use you. And it seems to me (just my opinion) that he may not know what he wants either.

Good luck with everything, and please know that we are all here for you!

Old 11-07-2007, 06:35 PM   #12
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Re: Relationships after recovery

I'm hoping that this question makes sense to you. Do you use drugs or drink? I only ask because he may feel that if you do that his recovery is threatened. Even if he was addicted to drugs he could switch addictions to, letís say, alcohol. Therefore, if you drink he may be afraid.

If none of the above is true then have you tried alanon or naranon? You might be able to find some support there.

Old 11-18-2007, 08:24 PM   #13
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Re: Relationships after recovery

im going through that today. i drank for years, me and my now wife met drinking, got married while still drinking and lived ok for many years, finally i quit and she kept going. it took me a long time to accept i cant change anyone just like no one can change me. we dont have the same outlook on life anymore and she lost her drinking buddy. she is going to stay at her sisters tonight. and as ling i want to stay sober, i need to be w/sober people.

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