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Old 11-09-2007, 10:44 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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emsmom HB User
I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Hey all,

Well, its a new day and I'm feeling great again I know it won't last forever, but I'm going to love it while this feeling is here.

I just want to thank everyone SO much for your encouraging words and suggestions. I've come to value each and every one of you

I had lost alot of weight when I was using. So much that on my 5'11" frame, I weighed, at one point, only 130lbs. I looked like a stick. Recently, I've gained back about 8 - 10 lbs and I feel so much better. I actually have an appetite lately, and it feels great to "want" to eat. My hair at one point was so hard to manage. It had become dry with no shine (I found out it was the drugs that did this) so I'd just pull it back into a pony tail and forget about it. I was not concerned about my appearance, isn't that sad?

The best times for me to eat was when I'd come to this board, read stories and replies...I'd just have a plate with snacks and not even notice I was eating. So, its thanks to you all for that. Believe it or not, I feel you all were a great part of my success regarding my appetite coming back

I've had so much on my mind lately, but I can escape from all that when I come here. For those of you who aren't aware, I am also battling uterine and cervical cancer. Its been a tough time, to say the least. At 31 years old, I feel like I'm facing way too much. Life is not perfect, nor do I want it to be, but I've often felt "why me?" Of course the major pity party is over now but I still have those bad days, and when I do, I come here.

I've also been getting out more. I grab my ipod, take a walk, listen to my favorite tunes (so I don't have to think too much) and enjoy the fresh air. There were so many times that I'd just sit in my house, worried that my supply of pills was about to run out, get on the phone and call my dealer, arrange to take more money off my credit cards etc... Literally, I'd be in the house ALL day. My daughters (ages 2 and 5) would suffer as well. My five year old would ask to go to the park but if I was running out of pills, I'd tell her "No, mommy's back is hurting." I feel SO bad about that, how unfair is that?!?

Well, those times are over. So many of you told me to just "get out of the house" regardless of what I did once I was outside. So I found myself asking my daughters if they'd like to go to the park (even if I didn't feel like it) cause then I couldn't say no. I'd go, and I'd instantly feel better

Basically, I just want you all to know how much I appreciate your time and your threads. You've made my recovery so much easier than I anticipated. So this thread is a great big THANK YOU

Much love and hugs to you all,

emsmom (K)

 
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Old 11-09-2007, 07:52 PM   #2
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granny0 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Hi emsmom,
I'm sooo glad you are feeling good
I don't have any of the medical problems you have and have just been a lazy blob lately. Shame on me! I also lost my appetite and am continuing to loose weight. I actually weigh less now than when I had my first daughter, almost 24 yrs ago. As a matter of fact, I weigh less than her (I'm 5'4 about 120 now) and she's not liking that she's heavier than Mom - tee hee
I just don't get hungry. It's crazy. I start wondering if I'm getting an eating disorder but I'm not all wrapped up in my weight or anything
Anyway, I just luv that you are enjoying things and YOU, dear lady, give me motivation. I have a 3 day weekend - Veterans Day and I plan on cleaning this filthy house like I'm a maid (which I've always wished I had) tomorrow and husband & I are going to Atlantic City Sunday - got a free room at a casino. We love poker machines, usually end up playing till 3am or so. I'm looking so forward to seeing the ocean again, even if I'm freezing, which I am all the time these days. Anyway, you keep the sun shining for me.
Hugs,
JB

 
Old 11-10-2007, 07:12 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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imadeamistaka HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Dear Emsmom,
I just wanted to thank you for your advice on the night crawls and your kind
and caring words. I am on the other side and starting to feel better.
You are an Amazing woman!!!

I will keep you in my prayers,
Jeff

 
Old 11-10-2007, 09:35 AM   #4
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redrockrag HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

You are my hero. Bless you and your family. I know you will get through this.
rr

 
Old 11-10-2007, 11:01 AM   #5
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Posts: 837
FullCircle08 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

ems --that is a great story. I have also battled cancer and I am in my thirties also. MAYBE we have something there? I am glad you are in a good stop now. Isnt it great. I am getting there. I have been starting exercise more and more. It feels great to do that. We are both healing our bodies. Are u in treatment for your cancer right now? The FULLCIRCLE new name is because this year will mark 10 years since I had cancer. I have not treated myself well in the last 10 years. I have not healed and its about time that we do it. I cant keep relapsing and doing this to my body. I am almost 1 week hydro free and tapering off with codeine (ong story -search other posts!!) I will completely drug free after nest week and can wait to get that MONKEY off my back.

O

 
Old 11-10-2007, 12:49 PM   #6
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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emsmom HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Thanks everyone

It felt so great to share my story with you all. I am at a point in my life where I KNOW I'll beat this (addiction). I can just feel it. There were many many times that I wanted to quit but kept relapsing. It sucked!! However, now I know I will do this the right way

Thanks again everyone,
Much love and hugs,
emsmom (K)

 
Old 11-11-2007, 04:47 PM   #7
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g8trgrl15 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

ems,
I am so glad to hear that! Now when you are having a bad day, you can look back on this and remember exactly how you were feeling at the moment you wrote this. You have inspired me so much with your strength to stay on your taper even though you have a legit illness. You could easily just decide to heck with it. But I'm glad you have not. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm happy for you and keep posting!!

g8trgrl

 
Old 11-11-2007, 06:28 PM   #8
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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emsmom HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

g8trgrl,

Thanks darlin That means so much to hear how proud you are

Yesterday and today were a bit hard for me to deal with so I spent most of the days on the couch or in my bed watching TV.

I switched to the fentanyl patch and had quite a hard time with the transition. I'm still vomitting profusely, my stomach is very upset, REALLY bad headaches, diahrrea (WAY too much - but can't take immodium cause of the cancer pills) so needless to say I feel horrible. On a more positive note, I still feel great about everything (mentally) and thats the most imortant part.

I'm having surgery on the 22nd to remove my cervix and uterus, then will be away for two weeks for radiation. I'll have my laptop but not sure yet if I'm allowed to use it (cause of the radiation). I'll be going to a hotel, to make life easier for everyone. The hardest thing to grasp is that I won't be able to be with my girls. I am stressing out cause of that. I know I'm going to miss them terribly, but I'm hoping I can use my laptop - that way I can keep in touch with you all, and see my girls on the ****** Wish me luck

I hope you're doing well, thank so much for your encouraging words, it means so much.

Love and hugs,
emsmom (K)

 
Old 11-14-2007, 03:19 PM   #9
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g8trgrl15 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Marked it on my calendar, the 22nd ems goes in for surgery.. I will be saying a special prayer for you. Wait, that's Thanksgiving Day!! Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. That's awful! That makes me want to cry!! While most people are spending time with their families, you will be in a hospital.. I'm tellin ya, If I ever needed an inspiration. (smiles) I'm doing okay. I'm kind of stuck at 8 mgs of sub right now. I think my body will tell me when it's ready to go to 6. Problem is I need that 4 mgs in the mornings to get going. Maybe I just need more time to heal.. I'm hoping that's it. Anyway, take care of yourself and your girls.. I'll be thinking of you.

g8tr

 
Old 11-14-2007, 04:28 PM   #10
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granny0 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Hey EMS, I too am marking my calendar. You're in Canada right? Guess Thanksgiving is an American thing. It's a shame you have to be away for your radiation. They don't have anywhere close to home there? I guess I'm fortunate. I live in an area with numerous well know hospitals and radiation centers all over the place. I'm sorry you'll be away from your girls, but I'm sure you'll talk to them daily. You'll be uncomfortable from the surgery and at least won't have to put a happy face on for the girls if you're not feeling well. Will some family member be staying with you? Sure hope so. If not, I'm tempted to hop a plane
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
JB

 
Old 11-14-2007, 08:44 PM   #11
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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emsmom HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

g8trgrl,

Thanks darlin, for thinking of me I'm in Canada, we already celebrated Thanksgiving. It was a couple weeks ago. Canada and US celebrate about one month apart from one another. So, I won't be in the hospital on a holiday but thanks for your concern That would have sucked if it was a holiday.

I'm so happy to have you say I am an inspiration That hits the heart in such a lovely way. I'm 31 years old, and feel like I'm 61 lol. My body is just so darn wiped out...with the cancer and withdrawals, I've just about had it!!!

You are absolutely right - your body will let you know when its ready to taper down to 6 mgs. Just listen to your body, pay good attention. One day, you'll stop and ponder for a moment and tell yourself "Its time." You'll know. I think we (taperers) eventually hit a point where we've plateaued on the dose we're currently at - and we just "feel" ready to go down a bit more. I've done that three times so far, and I just "knew" it was time.

Keep writing - I really enjoy hearing from you

Love and hugs,
emsmom (K)

 
Old 11-14-2007, 08:59 PM   #12
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Join Date: Aug 2007
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emsmom HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Heya JB,

Yeah, I'm in Canada, we already had our Thanksgiving

Yes, there are many places here in Toronto where I can have the radiation treatments - however, I've chosen to go to New Brunswick for a reason... I'll be with my in-laws and my best friend (she lives about an hour from them). I'll have a chance to get lots of rest, not worry about my housework or paperwork, and spend time with my best friend. I'll be at my in-laws house - huge beautiful 6 bedroom Victorian house on the lake - and most of all, I'll have access to my father-in-law's Porche (I have my own set of keys to it)

I know I'll miss my girls, but I can't be near them at all while I have the radiation, plus I have to stay four feet away from anyone else. Its all part of the treatment. There are so many rules and guidelines to follow, it just seemed like a better solution. My doctor and I talked about where I'd be going (stay in the hospital, or go to a hotel) when she asked if I had anyone "out of town" I could stay with. Thats when I decided to go to New Brunswick. I'm actually looking forward to it now. At first, I was so sad to leave my girls, but this works out best for everyone

Awww, you'd hop a plane to keep me company? Thats the nicest thing anyone has ever said Thank you darlin

Well, I am going to clean up - its late, still have to load the dishwasher (from dinner dishes) and fold two loads of laundry - my work never ends

Have a lovely night, and hope to hear from you soon

Love and hugs, emsmom (K)

 
Old 11-15-2007, 02:13 PM   #13
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g8trgrl15 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

I'm glad it's not a Holiday for you. I truly meant what I said, not just saying it. I look at you and realize that if you can do this, than certainly someone like me can accomplish it. I really hope you can have your laptop with you during this time.. it would be a shame if we couldn't help you through it! But it sounds like you will be having a somewhat decent time. Maybe summon up enough energy to take a drive in the porche to a spot on the lake and just drink up the beauty.. (sigh) Sounds like a dream to me. I wish I could get away just for a few days. But I don't think that could happen. I have a 7 yr old and a 16 month old. Both boys. Mu husband works long hours so I'm mainly the one who takes care of them. But they are my heart and my motivation. I love hearing from you as well, so post soon!!

Love & Prayers
g8tr (B)

 
Old 11-15-2007, 04:32 PM   #14
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emsmom HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

Hey B,

You have two boys? Wow, thats awesome. My girls are 5 and 2. My name "emsmom" is for the older one, her name is Emily I looked at my name a while ago and realized it seems like I am an EMS gal (ambulance driver - Emergency Medical Services) lol. But no, its for my daughters name

You are a wonderful mother To word it like that, "they are my heart and my motivation," just sounds so beautiful. I couldn't word it any better myself.

My girls are my life. I was put on this earth to be their mommy. I can't explain how much I love my daughters. They just make me want to live and be a better person. So, I understand completely what you mean when you say "motivation" cause I feel the same

Yes, I do hope I can use my laptop when I'm gone. I'm just not sure about using a computer while having radiation treatments - I'm sure I'll be fine lol.

I will definitely have enough energy to take the Porche out for a drive I'm planning to surprise my best friend - drive up to her house in the Porche and pick her up. She doesn't even know I'm coming. I won't tell her She'll be SO happy when I show up in the Porche. Her and I always go for a drive in it when I visit. Its something we just do - makes us act like teenagers again lol. We put the top down (regardless of the weather lol), grab a couple coffees and drive for hours with the music blasting I talked to her hubby, told him the whole story. He is going to contact her work and book the week off - she's coming out to my in-laws for the week. He's already arranged for a babysitter (his mom is coming into town to watch the kids) so my best friend won't have to worry about a thing. I'll just show up, surprise her and we'll be on our way I can't wait.

Something so tragic (going through all this - cancer, radiation, addiction) definitely has a positive side to it eh? I can't believe how much I'm looking forward to radiation lol. Hey, at least I'm chipper!

Well darlin, I hope you're having a great day - keep the posts coming, it cheers me up when I hear from you

Love and hugs,
K

 
Old 11-20-2007, 02:28 PM   #15
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g8trgrl15 HB User
Re: I feel like I'm on track, and it feels great :)

K,
lol.. You just made me envious.. cruisin around the countryside in a Porche!! But girlfriend, you deserve the be happy for a while, and I truly hope you have the best of time. Maybe the radiation won't be so bad. I've had some challenges this past week, but I know they are just roadblocks and I'll get thru them. My husband has never really been the supportive type, and we're really not that close. I mean, we live in the same house and are cordial to eachother, but he sleeps in a different room. Basically we stay together for the kids. I know this isn't a romance board, so I won't harp on it.. But also downdosing is getting harder. I know that I have to do it, so just do it! I just have a big fear of getting sick.. the big w/ds. I don't want to feel that. But I guess you have to go through a little rain to see a lot of sunshine. That's the way it's going to be for you. Take care my friend, and I'll talk to you soon!

B

 
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