I don’t know how many months, maybe, 3 or 4 or maybe 4 or 5. I was reading a few threads and some familiar names came back on the first page, but the name I really wanted to see wasn’t on the first page,.. Reach me…. A lot of things have happened, clean time changes, and then some minor fall backs but nothing too serious I couldn’t get out of. My mother passed on to the other side, I sat in the hospital room with her for the last 3 days before she left us. She is free of pain and suffering and I am grateful for that. I left a very bad relationship, it was mixed up in a relationship based on pain and I was his europhic addictive high. So now I am alone. I drank for a few weeks, and now I’m clean again, I didn’t start up on any meds or any other, just drowned my sorrows til I had to come up to breathe and now I am above the surface and here I go again, on about staying clean and sober, living a quality of higher good that I am new too. Another 24 or just another minute or another breath or whatever it takes for us all.
I have waited and waited and waited. I knew that someday you would come and let us know what has been happening in your life.
I am sorry about the passing of your mother. There is something so unique and special about the relationship we have for our livetime with our mothers.. be it good, bad or otherwise, it is just so special and has a lifelong impact on us.
I am going to share with you the intro to a story I worked on, (not published):
There is no sight sweeter than the bonding of mother and newborn. There is no instinct stronger than a new mother's protectiveness of her baby. There is no wonderment greater than the awe and amazement of a newborn baby seeking to be loved and nutured in a new environment. These things are not unique to any one race or species, but rather common factors that unite all of God's creatures.
That is for you today, kadee. For you and your mom. Sometimes that bond stetches and has to find a way to tighten up again as we travel through life, but it is still a bond that always, whatever its strength at any given point, is a bond that is such a big part of our development. And the bond obviously came back full circle as you write that you sat the last three days in her hospital room. She eased you into life, kadee, and in return, you eased her into death. It is a sorrowful time, I am sure, but it just feels right overall and how it should be. The completion of such a beautiful life circle.
What a beautiful part of herself that Mom left behind with the gift of you, kadee. I never knew her, or even but a posssible mention of her along the way, but she has impacted my life in her gift of you and for that I am grateful. I share in your sorrow because you are my friend. And I hope that soon you will share in my happiness because she gave you life and began the process of kadee in this world.
I am not ignoring the other pieces of your post... just tucking them away for another time. Kadee, I ( and I believe many of us) have waited for so long to see you again. Please post when you can.
A quick question: I used to be able to drink without too much trouble. Now, if I have a drink, it makes me crazy and I have a weird feeling, kind of like being on a psychedelic, something outside of the typical alcohol buzz. My wife says that I look and act as if I'm mad (nuts). Why do you think this is happening?
hi kadee... I'm so happy to hear from you. I think of you often and hope that your well. Now I know you are.... thanks.
I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom. I understand what you mean about being greatful that she is no longer in pain. It's a double-edged sword, huh? but at least your mom isn't feeling it and that's what truly matters, right?
So, how have you been? What have you been up to? I've been insanely busy, which is good for me. I can honestly say that I'm doing well as far as the drugs go... perhaps you'll remember, my brother was in a bad car accident last year and prescribed lot's of pain pills that I promptly helped myself to... I intentionally stayed away from his house so I could stay as far away from from those pills as possible. Recently I had to grow up and be a big girl... I was at his home, watching my nephew, and of course he left all of his pills sitting on the flowerbox above the sink. It was so strange, kadee... I didn't want them. Not even a little, I just looked past them, out the kitchen window and realized that I'm finally getting there. I got really busy... I read a book that a brilliant person on this board recommended and it truly changed changed my life. The depression has finally lifted and I feel great. Somtimes I feel these little 'twinkles' of familiarity... to myself..... make sense?
Ok, so enough about me. How are you, really? Are you spending time with yourself? for yourself? Doing anything fun? I've taken an interest in photography- I find it calming and oddly comforting. I bet you could find something to replace your old friend addiction, think about it for a while... Please keep in touch, let us know how your doing, ok?
Take care of yourself, jkm
You come light up the board with your presence and then Poof! Nothing left but a wisp of smoke. Ah, kadee. I am sending a gentle breeze to see if that wick can burn for a bit longer.
I do not post so often anymore, kadee, but it is good and so helpful to have some contact with my old friends as well as the new. You have so much to share about addiction in so many ways. The objects of your addictions, being the object of addiction, and overcoming both sides of the fence there. Help others learn as you stay in recovery.
Thank you for that Reach, my aunt had said something similar. And thanks to everyone else, I am just getting my internet back, but I am with you all again.Yes, I am fortunate to have been there with her to send her on her way, I prayed and begged to my recently deceased aunt, would she please ask our Heavenly Father to take my mother along. I was clean during the whole process, no pills, no booze and then comes the aftermath. It hasn’t been put to sleep, completely a 100%. I have hit a lot of different bottoms, low ended ones, high ended ones and now I’m here in an in-between bottom, stuck in this in-between world of hers and mine and the cravings mixed in with wanting to be numb because my heart hurts...my head races… Though I was blessed with a wonderful dream of her, she is pain free, dancing, happy and laughing with children and she was young, she looked like the photographs I have of when I was a small child 3 or 4.. She is beautiful. I have to learn how to let go, Let God in again. And again learn to Let God, Let Go.
I have moved away from a very unhealthy relationship, The little cravings always catches up to a lot, a lot, of drudge. And med-guy, while I have been attempting to pretend, your catch phrase from AA – comes in waves – one is too many and a thousand never enough. So I am back to reading my NA/AA literature, trying to become sane again, I remember in the Spring I was so high from Life, like Scrooge after he becomes aware of the present, present moment, dancing , singing, giving gifts and rejoicing or like Jimmie Stewart in that black and white movie, what is the name?, you know he becomes so joyful and appreciative when he decides he doesn’t really want to jump off the bridge after all. He wants to live. “Whose life is it anyway?”. I felt like that back then, in the Spring of this year, I was so in the immediate present and was happy and positive, on the hunt for an armilias flower and coming up with a potted daisy plant instead, I was on a cloud of enlightenment, that is for sure, then, Wham – But maybe I was too much up in the clouds, not really very grounded. I could pass a liquor store back then, It didn’t interest me, It didn’t overtake my thoughts. didn’t haunt me. It was just a store full of poison and why would I want to drink poison? And why would I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.
Can you making imagine the guilt I feel for thinking my mom was ashamed of me all these years cause I wasn’t like the others, in comparison and judgement wise, (that’s a lot of negative wasted space) and now, I just recently learn that all she did was love me, just love me.. She just wanted me to be happy with me and my art, just like I have always wished and also to be free of this obsession and compulsion of destruction..
More to say later on what you all said to me
take special loving care
I hope to know you too. Thanks for being with us.
I think the madness you speak of, is part of the sickness of alcoholism, something usually snaps, that snapping thing, I believe is an operator on our frequency level and a disconnection happens between our faith and ourselves. When I remain sober, life is clear and wonderful, I feel sincere, reflective, thoughtful towards other, and if I drink, I disconnect that heavenly and divine presence. I guess then, for me, the breaking off happens and I snap. I had a few too many and it brought me back to my senses. Like â€“ What are you doing girl, why are trying to lock yourself up in a tower of destruction when you were just last seen in a beautiful peaceful meadow.
Thatâ€™s fantastic you saw past the flower vase. Keeping busy with photography, you need a clear creative head for that. Yes those little twinkles, I recall are like helping hands in the spirit world. But I have been thinking about that a lot, lately. Me, Iâ€™m concentrating on my health, trying to stay grounded, I am trying not to live in a pink cloud. I get so far away from me sometimes, but when I am feeling good on the inside, it shows up on the outside in big waves. I like going in bookstores and hanging out. I still go to Yoga Class when I can, listen to loud music, have yet to start to sing in the shower, thatâ€™s on my list, and still havenâ€™t kicked the cigarette habit 100%, but I rarely even smoke in my own home, so I know one day soon, it will be the last monkey to butt off my backside. I am still seeing A & D counsellors and a psychiatrist to help with PTSD and grief and loss.
I am so happy you are still here. I wrote you some letters, really they were to myself, but I addressed them out to you. I wasnâ€™t reading the postings then because I was away from cyberspace for a wee while. I was in another space, and that is OK now. I thought often of you and wished you well. I also have a grandchild. Arenâ€™t planes exhilarating. We have done the same on a milder summer afternoon. We run underneath and laugh, with our arms stretched out as the planes loom and zoom like thunder. You led me along the path to a pro-active life-style with your insight and wisdom, with your feel-good remedies and your boundaries and the way you can see into everything like a fine tuned microscope. Oh and your looney-tuney humour, oh and donâ€™t forgot those sing-songs on Sunday mornings, and the tapping of your fingers, is anyone out thereâ€¦ ha ah. My mother is probably giving you a little kiss on your third eye about right now blessing you with a sweet nightly-night. So you just might feel really wonderful when you wake up in the morning. I love her and I know now, she loves me. And your reply to us was heavenly. No pun intended. Heavenly and divine. Thank you so much.
Isn't it just magnificent to know and understand that we can think of each other in such real and personal thoughts even though in our physical existance, our relationship is but names on an anonymous board???? I am in great awe of this. I can share my heart's depest thoughts here and know, fully and truly know, that someone cares about those thoughts with great passion, compassion and understanding. It is like some magical ability to live in a book that we write along with others. Wow.
You tickle my funnybone with the memory of those Sunday Morning song writings. It brought me so much pleasure to write those silly posts and as I wrote, I always learned more about my very own self. Heeheee.... "Jimmy crack corn, and he don't care,.... Jimmy crack corn, and he don't care." That was just for old time's sake. Smiles.
Kadee, funny sometimes how our times of grief and suffering are also often our times of greatest discovery. Well, maybe not funny, maybe just how life is meant to be. You sat by Mom tyo ease along her passing and look at what was discovered! Love. And I don't think the discovery was too late or that time was wasted at ll. I think the discovery came when it was most needed and at a time that you were able to truly appreciate it. Do you understand what I am saying? The discovery any earlier would have been lost to you. In the throes of addiction, it would have not had the same meaning. It could not have because you had yet to begin to understand who kadee is. The understanding of that is just now surfacing. The discovery of Mom's unwavering love for you came when it was meant to come, dear kadee. revel in it and stop wasting effort regretting the timing! The timing was the timing. Don't question it, rejoice instead that it came!
I hope you write many more letters to me. Knowing that you do helps me to understand why I talk to you in my thoughts. Kep growing strongly.. and here is my wish that the discoveries abound.