I've been wanting to come on here and write, since i got home from detox yesterday, but have been so anxious it's hard to type.
I came home 2 days early......because of a number of things. One is that my anxiety in that place was horrible. Very high blood pressure and unable to sleep, ANDDDDDDD, I found out i was PREGNANT while i was in there! I was in shock needless to say, because I had NO thoughts that i would be pregnant and we had been "careful". And of course, being on narcotics, i had NO libido, so we were hardly ever "intimate". I cried and cried when i first found out, because i wanted to be completely clean when i tried again, but after some meditation and time to think, I came to the decision that this is Gods plan. That i wouldn't have been off the medication if i were to find this out being at home and not in detox. Heck, i probably wouldn't have checked for another few days seeing as how i've been late the past few months anyways and was let down when i took the home pregnancy test those few times.
Sooooooooooo, I got my last dose of Subaxone on Sunday. I had NO time to taper obviously. Just jumped from 3mg on Friday night, to 2mg on Sunday night, then nothing. I found out on Monday night. I hated the place i went to and wouldn't recommend it to ANYONE, because i was SUPPOSED to get that test on Saturday BEFORE they began medicating me, but i guess it all worked out the way it was supposed to. And even though i was on Trazadone for sleep and Motrin, it was only 2 days of dosing that i was on. As soon as they found out, they dropped everything and i was only able to take Benadryl for sleep. So i'm now at home, waiting to see my OBGYN next week. It's SOOOOOOO freakin' hard and having to do this on my own, with NO medication is unbelievable. I can't sleep, i just lay there tossing and turning, shaking my legs non-stop and the anxiety is almost unbearable.
I know i have a little one growing inside me, and that is what is keeping me sane at this point. I'm not going to lie, i'm very nervous and not getting my hopes up because of my 2 miscarriages last year. But i also TRUELY believe that God is in charge of my life, and I think it is amazing how i just happened to FINALLY get a detox center to take me right before i found out.
So i'm trying my best to trust in him, let him take the wheel for once in a long time, and trying to calm myself down.
I can tell that my blood pressure HAS gone down since i've left detox, it's a very hard place to be when your unable to take anything. Being around everyone who is so doped up and sleeping like a baby is hard.....and sleeping on 3" thick plastic mattress on squeaking metal frame is even harder. Plus when i have a lady who is compeltely OUT OF HER mind sleeping in the bed next to me, it doesn't help the anxiety.
I LITERALLY got MAYBE 3 hours of broken sleep each night.....i couldn't nap because of the anxiety, so i'd just shake to death and walk around like a zombie.
My family (and husband) are so happy and also believe that this is God's work. And i'm trying my best to stay positive and also believe that.
But as anyone knows if they've lost a baby, it is hard.....then add to that that you have been taking pills for the first 2 wks. of the babies life, and it's even harder. PLUS, i was smoking double the amoutn i usually do when in there because EVERYONE smokes there. I'm now tapering off them, which is extremely hard when i'm so anxious, but the doctor agreed that i should taper and not go Cold Turkey because my body is going though enough with being in withdrawal from meds., i don't need the extra added anxiety from stopping smoking CT.
I've missed you all so very much....and can't wait to hear from you. I need some encouragement right now and some hope. It's VERY easy for some to say "well your pregnant now and you have the baby to think of", but when you've had 2 failed pregnancies, it is difficult to truely believe that it could happen, so you feel like "well, if i'm going to lose the baby, i might as well be comfortable now."
I'm not so much craving the Subaxone, as i'm craving sleep. And wanting to be able to take something for it. The Benadryl does NOTHING whatsoever.
It would normally, if i wasn't in withdrawal.
Pray for me please.....i need all the strength and hope that i can get right now. Talk to you soon.
Congratulations, I am so extremely happy for you! I totally agree that you need to be careful and not get your hopes up too high, but still, you should be happy!! Are you sub free? Sounds like you are, you know that you can still take certain things while you are pregnant. They can give you something for the anxiety.. I'm so glad to hear from you, I was worried about you and praying every step of the way.. You just need to find a way to calm down, and what I mean is getting your OB to give you something for it. THey wouldn't give you anything that could harm the baby. Anyway, so glad you're back, and hang in there!!!
Thank you all for your replies. I need all the prayers i can get right now.
I'm a mess.
I'm experiencing not only the high emotions from being pregnant, but also from withdrawl. I've been crying because i'm so angry that i am an addict. That i have to feel this way.....this craving of pills just to feel normal again.
It scares the heck out of me.....and i wonder whether i'll ever be able to feel normal again without the help of opiates.
I'm trying to relax and take it one day at a time, but when the day goes by so slow, and then you just want to sleep and you can't, it feels like a lifetime.
I would do ANYTHING at this point to have never EVER taken an opaite. This sucks so badly and my spirit is broken. I feel so anxious and because i'm not sure that this pregnancy will last, it just adds to the feeling of wanting to take something. I feel like i'm having a hard time completely turning my will over to God, because i'm afraid that if i do, i'll lose this baby and be even more angry at Him then i was the last time i did. I'm afraid to trust.
I'm just so tired and so frustrated. I am angry that i can't take anything strong for sleep or anxiety.......i feel like this happened for a reason, but i'm also resentful that i have to go this alone and without any medication help like i expected.
I wish i could go to sleep for a month or two...............
Maggie. Please sit down and read this with as much calm as you can muster up there, Sweetpea. Your brain is suffering from the onset of the depression that we all know is a part of the process of getting clean, really clean. Of course the thoughts are flinging around with negative tones, really negative ones. Look at what you are writing about.. guilt, fear, resentfulness... now Maggie, if you could sit in a different spot right now, you would see clearly that it is the depression talking loud and clear. And I know you somewhat and I am familiar with many of your responses to others. And if positions were switched right now, you would be explaining to someone else that this attack of depression is just something that occurs in our brains after withdrawal and that it does go away, but that it just takes a little time and effort. Walking, keeping busy, singing, forcing ourselves to do things we don't feel like doing... this is what helps push that depression along and out of us. Practice deep breathing, Maggie. Practice. And continually remind yourself that it is depression speaking to you in that old noggin, not reality. Recognize it, acknowledge it, and it will lose a lot of its power. This is what labor is like, too! A lot of intense work, but it does come to an conclusion. And a good conclusion. Smiles. Working our way out of the depression is also labor-intensive and we have no choice but to work with it. It is what it is.... and it is something that will abate, Sweetpea.
Moment by moment, day at a time, Maggie. Work it. Push. Push. Stay focused on recovery. With all kindness, the pregnancy will continue without any special effort on your part. Stay focused in the here and now. Get through this stage. And then, when Maggie is better, she can focus totally on the beauty of pregnancy and birth.... and her baby wil find a healthy and happy Mommy awaiting.
maggie taking more drugs is not the answer,its the last thing you need at this time.youve got a day or two of clean time so just sweat it out and get it over with.three weeks from now and you will be 100% better than you are now.you need to take off work during all this and just get it done and over with.you got what you wanted so now getting clean is all that matters,nothing else.if it gets rough the next few days can you go to a hospital and let them assist you in this process?check on it if it gets real bad before you take anything.congratulations and good luck-spark
ps. i think SPARK would make a great name for a boy or a girl.
Hey girl !!! Ive been sitting here reading this post going OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD !!!
First of all - i am so happy for you and your pregnancy. Truly truly happy.
God is surely with you. You have been trying so hard and so faithfully to get this recovery to work for you for so long now..... so long. I told you how proud i am of you for that, for never giving up, for always pushing forward !!! You are an amazing woman Maggie, and you're going to make it.
I, too, found out i was pregnant when during my drug use. I think i've told you about this before. But i was smoking crack and doing about 2 bundles of heroin a day at the time (thats a lot, if you dont know H), and I was so oblivious to anything. I didnt even get my period for two whole years !!! my body was starting to break down... But in the middle of it all i found out i was pregnant !! I wasnt happy at first, God, how could i be? I was scared ! But God was there looking out for me, He knew how badly i had wanted another child, He knew. But when i did find out, i was already 28 weeks pregnant ! I was immediately admitted into detox where i spent 10 days, and then when i got out, KNOWING i was pregnant, this addict COULDNT STAY CLEAN. So i weened off at home, because i had to. And my mom helped me, doling out bits of heroin, smaller and smaller each day, till i was done. And i went through w/d, it was tough, BUT IT ENDED. My sobriety date was November 13, 2001. My son was born on December 17, 2001. And today he is a wonderful, loving, healthy child of almost 6 years old !!!
I guess all I'm trying to tell you is that when God is in it with you, everything is going to be ok. truly i believe, because i've been there. I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. Its ok, but dont let those bad feelings get ahold of you. Do what you have to do, do what is right in front of you, ok? Get an OB, let him/her know whats going on, the dr will monitor your baby very closely to make sure everything is alright while you go through your detox. He will give you whatever he can to make you as comfortable as possible, because, when you are comfortable, so is your baby.
I am sitting here praying so hard for you and that new life you carry inside you..... I've really come to care for you as a person in these long months that we have been talking, i feel like i have another friend in this world somewhere, and i want the very best for her no matter what.
Take those hot baths. Try some tonic water for the jumpy body parts. Drink warm milk. Sing to your child.............
Maggs, im here for you, please keep in touch. Let all those feelings out.. talk about it, talk your way through it. Its going to be ok.
Hang in there Maggie. Pregnancy alone can throw your emotions out of whack from the hormones. It's been a long time since I was pregnant but I remember how just being pregnant, particularly in the beginning, caused horrible fatigue. You need to get some sleep. One thing that has worked for me on occasion is to tell myself I'm going to stay awake. Get comfortable as you can, find something on t.v. and tell yourself you are going to watch the whole thing. Hope you find yourself nodding off.
Stop beating yourself up and take care of yourself and little Spark.
I usually write each of you individually back, but i'm so dang tired that it took all my energy just to get online right now.
But i want to thank each of you for your prayers and kind words. I missed you all so much and couldn't wait to get back in touch with you. From the bottom of my heart, i love you guys!!!
Awwwww, that's the pregnancy emotions kicking in already!
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO tired. Had 1 1/2 hours of sleep last night....NO EXAGGERATION!!!!!!!!!!!! It's insane how the body works when withdrawling.
You guys know i LOVE My sleep. And i usually get atleast 8-9 hrs. each night. Now i'm running on 2 hours MAX each night for the past week!
And no naps! This is so so so so hard!
I STRONGLY suggest that anyone tapering off Subaxone do it SLOWLY! Of course i don't have a choice in the matter myself, but if i did, i'd go back and do it different. I had to go Cold Turkey of course from 3mg which is hell on earth. I go diarrhea atleast 7 times a day, have NO appetite (which is good in that i won't gain a bunch of weight right off the bat), the anxiety can be crippling at times, and i'm weak. So in a nutshell, it's HELL!
I'm trying my hardest to trust God in that this all happened for a reason.....and that i WILL have a full-term pregnancy this time. That's so hard to do right now......I'm afraid i'll be so angry with Him if i get let down again. But it is a bit of a "coincedence" that i happened to get pregnant right at the time i decided to get into a detox center. I mean, i didn't even have enough $$ to go, i had to borrow some for down-payment. And it was like i went from not even THINKING of going to detox, to knowing i HAD to go right away. That to me, is God's works. So for right now, i'm practicing trusting His will.
I don't think any of you guys will have to worry about going to the hell hole i went to....it's in Port St. Lucie Florida. It was also a mental hospital coupled with addiction. I wasn't expecting what i got that's for sure. Just being in there added to my anxiety and blood pressure tremendously! As soon as i got into my car, i could feel my blood pressure drop.
I'm going to lay down for a bit, feeling exhausted and weary.
Sorry to cut off like this, i'll write more.
Thank you all again, and please stay in touch! I need ALL of you!
Thank Michelle for your sweet words! I feel the same about you sweet-pea!
Don't get your hopes up Sparks.....i seriously doubt my husband would let me name our baby after your screen name! Mine is kinda cute though!
Oh, so your name is Sparky?
My name isn't Maggie.....shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Maggerooni !!! (is THAT you're real name?) ( i KNOW thats it, right?)
glad to see you posting. i know this is hard. just a quicky question, k?
did you go see an ob yet ? promise me that you'll call one or have hubby call to get you in. you need to be monitored while you're going through this pregnant. im not trying to be a miss pushy pants , but i know its important. please, you could get help with this. i just keep thinking about you going through this all alone, with nothing to help you. no help and advise from a real live in the flesh person. please take care and i pray for a good nights sleep for you and baby.
Hey yall crack-a-lackas,
Michelle: Yes, i have made an appt. w/my OBGYN for this Tuesday. Although i am a little nervous about seeing him, because the last i saw him i told him i'd be off the med. and off cigarettes by the time i saw him again.....and now i'm prego. I am off meds., and tapering fast off the ciggs., but to be honest i'm afraid he'll not want to treat me being that i had the miscarriages, and that i've been taking crap those 2 wks. from conception. I'm hoping that won't happen, because with both pregnancies before, i saw 2 completely different doctors who were HORRIBLE and i'm now seeing the doctor i've seen for years but went elsewhere when preg. because he doesn't take insurance for delivery. They will file for you, but he asks for his cost before delivery in cash. It will be very hard to come up with the money, but at this point he's all i trust in my town, and he is intelligent and doesn't have a ton of pregnant ladies due to his policy. So he can really give you his full attention.
Anyways, sorry to go into such detail, but i'm afraid he'll judge me or think i'm higher risk due to being on the medication for 2 wks. of pregnancy.
I looked online today to find something that is safe for sleep during pregnancy. I found UNISOM as one of them and had hubby pick up after work. I'm hoping and praying it works because i need rest so badly!!!!!!
I'm in awe that i'm actually functioning on an hour or two of sleep each night ALL WEEK! My baby needs some rest! I NEED REST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK.......I feel like i know you guys enough to share my secret......you know that Maggie is my dog right? She's my baby and i use her name as screen name. But i've kinda gotten used to it and like being called "Mags"...plus my hubby calls me "buggie" so i'm used to not going by my real name.
Well i'm off to try to sleep....... you guys are the best! And yes Reach, Sparks is Great Uncle Sparks, you are Grandma-Reach, and Michelle is Auntie Michelle! Jules.....you can be Auntie-Julie!
Good night all......HUGS!!! J