I've been reading your posts this morning and realized that whoever said we are sick and trying to get well, really gave me hope. At this point in time I feel like I can't do anything. I could not taper from 50 to 37 mcg of fentanyl, almost did myself in with the depression. OK the depression isn't as bad as it was on the fentanyl. I don't know why or how I've managed to go from 50 of fentanyl to 8 norco's a day with the help of clonidine. I don't even know if I can live without opiates. Well I know I can but what kind of life will I have? I know Reach has a lot of wisdom. The one thing is that I am afraid to hear go to meetings. I have tried. EXCUSE AFTER EXCUSE. Right now I need to get three finals done by sunday. YIKES, try to excercise, breathe and go to work on Monday. Please somebody, Reach, Maggie anyone post to me.
PS, you can do it maggie, you gave me hope to write this post. I have faith that God will protect your little one. Just try to stay calm, breathe and picture yourself in some far away place that is beautiful.
hey cap--you need to realize that YOU NEED to be 100% into this. You have a WHOLE bunch on your plate. The wd's from the taper drop will be almost as bad a the WD's from stopping CT. You have to face the face that you have a bunch of stuff to do that is VERY IMPORTANT. Your final grades need to be finished and you need to either find a dosage that lets you work or plan a few days off to get this crap out of your system. Trust me, I know what excuses are. I am on the final day of the SEMI taper (read old post to explain). But I had to use a different less potent opiod to taper for an xtra 2 weeks due to work. I went through mild WD's when I quit hydro CT, and I will experience WD's (prob pretty bad) tomorrow and the days after that but I have planned for it with days off for vacation. Losing my time off, but getting life time back. think about a better plan
Good morning and I hope you are doing well. I've been having a couple bad days lately. The W/D's are horrible. I'm shaking, sweating, my legs are going a mile a minute, can't sit down or relax, I'm SO tired etc. I am currently on 50 Fentanyl. I made the switch from Oxy's to the patch as I'm throwing up profusely and could not keep any pills down. The transition from Oxy's to Fentanyl is killing me. Its a different type of opiate and I did NOT expect such bad withdrawals.
I taking pills to slow down the process of the cells (I have uterine and cervical cancer...yes both, life sucks right now) so the combination of pills is bothering my stomach so much that I can't keep anything down. My doctor suggested suppositories but that didn't work out (they are no longer available in Canada) so he decided the patch was our only option left.
It is SO important to me to stay on track with this taper, so I have to accept anything that comes my way. Yes, the W/D's are way more than I anticipated, but I'm also so proud of myself for going through this as well. No one ever said this was going to be easy, and thats for darn sure, but you and I are doing this for the same reasons - We do not want to depend on a drug anymore!!!
Ask yourself, "What's important to you?" Make plans for your day, take clonidine, and schedule your tapers for the weekends (so you're at home during the worst part).
I hope you can find a way to do this. You are such a strong woman capt, cause you've come this far already.
Good luck, and I'll look out for your posts in case you need someone to talk to
I do have some advice for you, but I know you are going to buck hard at it. I would strongly suggest that you get immediately to your doctor, get a note from him explaining you are under medical care and that it is not possible to concentrate on schoolwork that is important for a short while. The school can easily grant an extension to you and you can do your finals at a later date. It truly is a matter that comes up often in college. You need not offer details of your issues for which you are under doctor's care, only that it is a medical situation that needs immediate attention. Students sometimes come down with mono, for example, and must take a short leave. Deaths in a family can occur and demand a leave. It is life, Sweetheart, and it happens.
I can not fathom good results on finals in the condition you are in. The thinking is just too erratic during withdrawal. Our friend Chrissy on this board had to deal with this also. My son dealt with it when there were many family crisis that happened in our family his first sememster of college and he just needed to come home. The college was very understanding. Please, I know very well how important school is and to be at the point of finals and need to take time out might seem impossible. It so is not. There is no bigger priority right now than getting clean. None. Let the physical crap abate and then your will be able to think straighter and do a better job on your finals.
Please go start the phone calls now and get things in place. It will free you to have the strength to get through the withdrawal. In weighing between the importance of withdrawal and a short break from school, I see the scales leaning much more heavily in getting through withdrawal.
Why do you have to quit? Did your doctor put you opioids for chronic pain?If so.Do them like your supposed to.Justtake a couple of norcos a day and leave it at that! Ive been doing narcotics all my life (30yrs)and I've strung out bad here and there. I just figured why fight it' and learned to just take a couple a day'to keep the edge off. Thats my opinion. I'm 49 male from illinois. Good luck on whatever you choose!!!!!!!!!!!And thats all I got to say.
captnanny and emsmom,
I am worried about you both because I am hearing how hard things are for you right now. I will keep you in my prayers and take a backseat in the advice area for now because I don't think I've had to deal with the severity of things you are dealing with right now. I hope that strength and healing finds you with Gods' speed. Just know that others out here, myself included, are cheering you on so FIGHT HARD ! Sincerely ..... ms1.
Wow I never expected to get so many responses. Thank you. I want to let you all know that yesterday was a little better than the previous days. I was able to get off the couch and just walk around a little. I also felt calmer. The thing that completely gets me is that I am so tired but anxious at the same time. Is that part of the w/d's? It's like my eyes are barely open but the anxiety and fear are keeping me from relazing. The real big problem I am having is that I am not picking up the phone for human contact. I think I'm afraid. I know I need to, it's part of my goal everyday. So today I have to call someone. My friend S. She will talk to me but then try to make me go out. I don't want to go out late at night. I get so tired and afraid.
OK am I sounding like a freak? I sure feel like one just admitting that little thing?
For me, withdrawal was very much like what you are descibing. Total inability to relax; high, high anxiety; fear of the dark, so exhausted that I walked around like a zombie and acted like one; and a fear of leaving the safety of my bedroom. For the first 2-3 weeks, I lived between my bedroom and the next room where the computer is. I was totally afraid of going downstairs in my own house. I remember clearly especially that total inability to relax... and being in a constant state of anxiety is very exhausting. When a therapist began working with me, she tried to get me to go in my mind to a peaceful place. Could not do it. She suggested a green, peaceful valley and things like that. I would close my eyes and when she asked me to go to a peaceful place, all I would see was a gray, blank screen in front of me. It finally dawned on me that that gray, blank screen was actually my mind showing me sleeping. Sleep was my only escape from the high anxiety and I longed to be able to just sleep because everything in withdrawal was so very hard to deal with. It was my peaceful place.
You are no freak in any way at all, captnanny. You are just suffering greatly from withdawal symptoms. It is like being in a constant survival mode. That is how it felt to me. Constant state of being on the lookout for what was going to happen next, constantly afraid of some unknown something because I had no clue what the heck I was so fearful of. Why was I fearful of seeing those who loved me, family and friends? I don't know. It was like suck myself into myself as tightly as I could. I didn't know why then and I still don't know. What I do know is that it is a horrible place to be. Just tormenting. What I also know is that it abates, it fades away and we do become normal and balanced again. I know this and I swear it to you. It does come.
As I got a bit better, I did start to talk to friends on the phone. Trusted friends with whom I had a history and I knew loved me. When they tried to ask me to go for a ride, I would have to just be totally honest with them... I told them I was terribly afraid and not ready yet for that step. And I would sob and beg them to forgive me and beg them to not give up on me. And everyone of those friends stood by me patiently... because they are my friends and they do love me. And now I am better and hang with my friends and go out for lunch, shopping, and spend the whole time laughing my head off with them. And this is what will happen for you also. The more we let our fears out in the open, no matter how ridiculous they might feel to us, the more we are facing them headon. We get the courage from desperation maybe, but getting them out in the open is what 'facing the fear and doing it anyway' is all about. It is like shining a light in the darkness and seeing finally that the boogieman we were hiding under our covers from isn't really even in the room afterall.
You have taken a brave step to share your far with us and look... it isn't anything weird at all in withdrawal. Smiles. It is just a symptom of withdrawal that fades away like so many of the other symptoms do... restless legs, anxiety, no sleep..... these things all fade away.
Stay strong. keep sharing. It is a needed part of thehealing process that allows us to find recovery.
I'm so glad others, you Reach, felt the same way and that your friends understood. That makes me feel like I might be able to say the same thing when I do pick up the phone. It's a horrible state this withdrawal. I get hope from these posts and try to calm down. In fact this post calms me every morning until the clonidine kicks in. Tomorrow, I Have to go to work. I will be fired if I don't. I am a nanny, only work two days a week, took thursday off because of w/d's so now I gotta go tomorrow. I love these kids as if they were my own. The oldest is in school all day, and the younger one goes at 12:30 -3:30, hopefully he will have a playdate at someone elses house. He deals with me pretty well. In fact we go outside because "fresh air helps you feel better" he's such a cutie. Anyway it might be a good distraction. I have to find a positive reason to go or I might just wind up losing the best kids, job, I've ever had.
Go to work tomorrow, you can do it! I was a nanny for years, and when my own things were bad, it felt horrible to have to look after the youngin, but actually it HELPED me.
I went from 75 patch to 50 to 25's where I am now, and honestly, I only had 7.5 hydros [vicoprofin] to ease me thru the tapering.
I did it, and I know you can. I KNOW you can. I had to go on tour all summer and play golf, and it sucked big time. I did it because I was tired of being on that level of meds.
And if you go over to the Pain board, you can read my post, that Ive lost my doctor starting December. He was my reg doc who was prescribing my PM meds, and we only have a couple other small clinics here in town, that do not do ANY PM. Nearest one is 12 hours away. Im so devastated.
Im glad I came over here tonite to see whats going on, I really hope you can reach out to your friends that ypou feel in your heart will be there for you. I know I have a couple of those, and I feel bad even telling them my stuff, but you know what? They care, and want to help you. when we are going thru crap, we feel so weak, and unlovable. but our true friends and family love us no matter what. Trust. Trust that what is happening is par for the course, and you have complete strangers here who love and care for you. what more can you ask for. Take care, and warm baths. We love you Nanny~
Just a line to let you know we are thinking of you. I hope today is better than yesterday and the day before. Hang in there and persevere one day at a time. Try to do something nice and productive for yourself today. It will make you feel better. .... ms1