I have not written for a while becuase I relapsed and started taking pills again. I fell so far into depression that I picked up the phone and refilled my RX. It's been one week and a day that I've been taking them... do I feel better ... not really... for a short time everything seems peachy but then reality sits in and I feel like crap again. I have started taking Wellbutrin for depression so when I do quit hopefully the depression won't be as nasty as it was. I'm so sad right now.. each day is a struggle, I look back at my other posts and reread everybodys kind words of encouragement and I feel like I've failed all of you. I'm sorry!!!
Win --welcome back --you made a HUGE step just by coming on here and admitting your lapse. We all have done it in some form or shape. You are WAY AHEAD OF THE GAME by coming on so fast. In the past I disappeared for months, then would come back all sad and DEEP in the pill hole. 2 months clean today and each day is a struggle, but if I REALLY look at my situation, I have done pretty well. I feel great physically and I am working on the mental part.
"1 is too many and 1000 is not enough" -
I am a bit ahead of you on the opiates, med, because most of my relapses involved other drugs. I can safely say that is has been several months since my last opiate relapse, and it was short (they all were) in duration.
My sleep has returned, finally. I can sleep all night, and if I wake up, I go right back to sleep. I believe that I got up and took a pill for so many nights to help sleep that it is why I couldn't get back to sleep when I was sober.
My day's are good, even the bad ones. Bad days used to trigger opiate cravings bad, but not anymore. I see them for what they are and make the best of it. And you know what? I can find Joy even in a bad day. It has taken a long time for me to reach this level of recovery!
So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. It's not some ****** holding a torch. (Thanks for that laugh Yoss).
Winnie, take it from us old timers (physically old that is). You can recover from a relapse!
Okay, you relapsed. So what? You have not failed any of us. And Honey, you need to feel the failure you feel, and then move on. We start each day from where we are.
Winnie, of all the issues in my life healthwise, it is depression that has undoubtedly has the biggest impact on me. It is horrible, tormenting, unrelenting when it hits. I have has varying degrees of depression for eleven years... I have had two total breakdowns in clinical depression that were so deep that even doctors feared I would not pull out. I did. It was horrible, it was hard, but I plodded along in misery until I was finally out of it.
A lot of studies talk about second and third episodes of clinical depression becoming harder and harder to come out of. For me, I found the second one harder to be in, but I had tools behind me that helped me survive. I used the past tools of experience along with some new ones I learned and even in the depest throes of this latest breakdown, I was able to pull those tolls out of their hiding places and use them. I recognized the depression as depression ( just spent too much time trying to ward it off with the drugs, only to finally understand it was the damn drugs deepening it).
I share this with you, Winnie, because no matter what anti-depressant we may be on, depression will hit after withdrawal (or during it). The opiates block the ability of the antidepressants in doing their job fully. Depression is just a crappy part of withdrawal and one we all must face. Understanding it, knowing the tools to help speed along the episode until we are free of it can make all the difference. It passes with time, Winnie. Know it will come to some degree and use the right meds for it... opiates are not the right med, Sweetheart.
Stand strong and start again. We are here with you, beside you. Hope is not lost as long as you are still breathing. Smiles. Breath!
Thanks to everybody who replied. I know this will be a life long struggle for me but lateley I have been so week I can't turn them away. I can't help it but to be so mad at myself. Three weeks ago I was clean and pretty much through the withdrawl process, but now i have to start all over again. I know I need to pick myself up, dust off and start again... thats what my heart tells me but my head wants more meds.... usually my head ends up winning.
Don't beat yourself up Winnie....that won't help matters any. I have relapsed, almost everyone has at one point or another.... And beating yourself up doesn't help at all. Actually, I believe it hurts. When I went back on meds a few weeks back, I felt that I had let everybody here down....felt like a loser....you name it. And ya know what? It only made me MORE depressed....and wating to take MORE pills. Which sucks, because I am definatey NOT an abuser of my meds. I take them as directed - always. But when I was feeling so down and stuff, I felt like "just another dose may help".
Bad news that is.
So my friend....hang in there, you'll be ok. You need to get the strength back that made you wanna do it in the firt place and you'll be fine.
And remember....we are ALL here for you....regardless. We are here to help, not judge.
Winnie- I am so glad that you came back here to share and get support. You can see by all the replies that we are not mad at you, don't want you to go away etc. Keep posting.
One thing I would like to share that probable won't help you but helped me. You're post opened my eyes to what I would feel like if I relapsed. So I guess I have to thank you for sharing what you are going through. It hurts like he** I know, I remember so clearly now that you put into words what I feel like every single time I relapse, and it's been quite a few. It sucks getting through the withdrawals, depression and the physical stuff.
That's what's getting me the most these days, pain. It's like my brain is totally convincing me I need something strong to get rid of this pain.
It's not anything major, I went to the doctor and found out it is muscles spasms with a few minor disc irritations.
Anyway, I am here, I don't always reply as I "think" my pain gets worse, but Winnie you can get back to where you were three weeks ago. Think about how you might do things differently, same etc. Take care of you during the process.
I don't know if I helped you, but I know you helped me and I thank you for that.
Don't feel bad hun, I am the EXACT same way...I have relapsed as well and that was 6 months ago...I stayed clean for 92 days and then, bam! Right back at it...I am so disgusted with myself...But I do know that one day we will make it!!!