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Old 01-05-2008, 01:35 PM   #1
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Unhappy I need to understand

Hi Everyone,
I am new and came here becuase I need help understanding whats going on in my realtionship. I am in a relationship with someone who has a major addiction problem. My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years living together for 4. I love him with all my heart and have put up with so much these past few years. I am an emmotional wreck. I feel like things have changed and I just need someone with similiar problems as him to help me unerstand whats going on in his head. He has always had a problem with Alcohol, Cocaine, Steroid use, Porn addiction and now he is in rehab for a percocet oxycotin addiction. If its not one thing its another he is never just straight. He went to AA for two years but the whole time he was addicted to pornography and using steroids and working out constantly. The latest addiction has been the worst (the percocet oxy addiction) He has been so mean to me these last few months. I have been verbally abused and put down beyond belief. He hasn't actually HIT me but it has came real close a few times. He has broken many things in the house and put a few holes in walls. I truely believe he has had enough he put himself in a 3 day detox program and really wants to get off the opiates. It has been hard these past few months dealing with it. I've had to leave a few times and the emmotional beat down has taken its toll on me. I really love him and always have. I just want him to love me back and want to have a good life with me. I don't want the realtionship to end.

I can't help but feel that he has fallen out of love with me and is just afraid of us splitting up because he knows that i'm all he has and he doesnt know what to do without me. He says I love you SOMETIMES still but not often. We have no sex life. We havent had sex in about 6 months. He pulls away when I try to be affectionate. When I try to kiss him he doesnt open his mouth its more like a friendly peck. With all the horrible things he has said to me when he was high or withdrawing including "I'm not in love with you anymore, I haven't touched you in months", "I hate you, I'm gonna get clean and sober and I'll still hate you" I'm afraid I'm holdin on to someone whos too far gone. He isn't the type of addict that disapears he is with me 24/7 unless he's at work. I know it has nothing to do with him cheating or anything. Its definatly not that. I just cant ignore the mean things that he has said to me.
He's killing me and I dont even think he notices.

Today he left for rehab and i was really upset because i knew that i would miss him. He was walking out the door and didn't even turn to hug or kiss me goodbye. I was the first and only person he called when he got there but I said I love you at the end of the conversation and he didnt say anything back. I wanna be with him and support him but I'm not sure if this change in him toward me is becuase of the drug addiction or because he is really falling out of love with me. Like I said he's had problems with other addictions and drugs but NEVER treated me the way he is now with the percocet oxy addiction.

Everyone keeps telling me that I'm being extremely selfish that its his addiction and he needs to worry about himself and get better right now and I should ignore everything he says. I'm not trying to be selfish and I understand that his recovery is # 1 right now. I just need to know for myself if this is normal for someone with an opiate addiction to act like this toward their partner.

Can someone please give me some advice insight. Has anyone ever experienced this? what do i do? Is it just the drugs talking???

I appreciate the help

 
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Old 01-05-2008, 02:01 PM   #2
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Re: I need to understand

Hi Black....No, this does not sound like normal opiate behavior to me....Usually it's the other way around with emotional stuff....when you are high everything is fine, in your mind, and we tend to stay in bad relationships and pretend they are ok... other than opiate use does greatly reduce sexual desire after time. 3 days isn't going to be much of a detox either...In fact withdrawls normally peak on the 3rd day, so unless he is being put on a maintenace drug, like methadone or suboxone, he probably will be even more grumpy when he returns. There are so many variables though...maybe he was grumpy because he couldn't get enough opiates to feel good, but it sounds to me like he's fallen out of love...I'm sorry. Maybe it's time for some tough love...leave him and tell him if he gets his act together and gets some real help to call you...I can pretty much guarantee a 3 day detox isn't going to do it. Opiate recovery is a looong process with a pretty low success rate. To be honest, you're probably better off without him. The old him is probably long gone.

I hope he proves me wrong, for your sake.

mano

 
Old 01-06-2008, 03:52 AM   #3
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Re: I need to understand

I think you are in a no win relationship. I was addicted to opiates and never, ever treated anyone badly when I was in withdrawal. This guy sounds like a jerk that does not deserve your time, love or attention. Get out of that relationship NOW. Trust me, you are dealing with a true jerk and if he treats you that way now, he's not going to change. Start making plans today.
Best wishes,
JB

 
Old 01-06-2008, 12:35 PM   #4
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Re: I need to understand

BNB,

You stated that he has always been addicted to one substance or another since you met him.

One has to take into effect a lot of variables like:

1) His behavior in past relationships
2) His upbringing
3) The possibility that he may have psychological disorder also
4) The lasting effects that drugs may have on him.

These are but a few things to ponder.

It is admirable to want to be there for someone but there comes a time you have to ask yourself is this really a healthy situation for one to be in.

Phoenix
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When in doubt, post it out.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 02:43 PM   #5
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Re: I need to understand

Yes, I agree with all of you. It is not healthy for me at all. There has been a lot of hostility and arguments over the drugs and me snapping at him. I was just waiting to see how things go once he gets out of detox. If his attitude towards me is the same after a few days I'll know then what I have to do. It's a very difficult situation for me leaving. We have a dog and we both love the dog dearly and I think it would end up going to court over who gets the dog. Either way I don't HATE him so I don't want to take the dog from him however I want the dog to live with me. Its such a hard situation that I am in and I'm so upset about it.

I keep getting mixed signals. More bad than good though. I just thought that maybe it had something to do with the drugs because it seemed like it was a pattern everytime he took percs he got really mean and nasty and when he didnt he was fine. I have also seen family members do the same thing when they took percs. I talked to my cousin who just got out of rehab for the same thing and he told me he was the same way toward his girlfriend the whole time that he was on them too. So I just thought maybe it was the drugs.

 
Old 01-06-2008, 02:52 PM   #6
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Re: I need to understand

black, you sound smart and i think you know the answers to your questions.. I hear in your voice that you love him and it breaks my heart to tell you this, but i dont believe he feels the same. I dont know your age and all the other variables in your life i only know what im reading here. its not the percs thata re making him angry and mean and all that crap , its the need for them that does that to him..you are just an object that stands in his way so you are going to get the brunt of it..all he cares about his him self, hes selfcentered,selfabsorbed and selfish...its all part of his addiction...if you have the strength in you at all, and you have no kids or own anything together, you might want to think about getting out now..again, i dont want to hurt you, i feel so bad for you and wish i can take the 2 hr drive over to you to help you..

 
Old 01-06-2008, 08:20 PM   #7
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Re: I need to understand

Hello

Glad to meet you, but sorry it is during such a trying and unhappy time for you. I just wanted to add a couple of thoughts about your boyfriend if I may. Behind every addict, there can be found some kind of unresolved issue... maybe a past hurt, maybe a past childhood, physical or emotional trauma... just all kinds of things. Behind many, many addict is is depression. The drugs are often used to blot out the low, low feelings of depression ( hopelessness, unworthiness, desperation). We who abused drugs have other issues that torment us either consciously or subconsciously.

Symptoms of depression differ between men and women. It is much more common for a man to display anger than a woman in depression. I have read quite a bit of cases where men had major anger issues, and some who even were physically abusive to their partners, who were put on antidepressants and remarkable changes came about. I have been reading your thread here and wondering if your boyfriend fits into this category. The argumantative, abusive behavior towards you, the drug abuse... it just may be unresolved depression behind it all.

Ultimately you will have to make an important choice concerning your relationship with him. Do what you do. That choice is yours alone. However, if you are going to make the choice after he returns from a 3-day rehab, then just make it now and leave. There is no way he is going to detox and even finish the physical agaony, let alone ever see the possibility of restoration and recovery in 3 days. It is tough to do even in 3 months. A year is a more reality. My suggestion to you is that you get yourself to some Nar-Anon or Ala-non meetings pronto and consistently if you hope to truly gain understanding of an addict. The boyfriend is going to need to be in a program such as a 12 step program, for a long, long time on a very consistent basis before HE begins to understand himself. There is a long and tough road ahead for both of you and it will take a lot of work on a daily basis for him to get better, for you to get better ( yes, you need to learn how not to enable, how to respect yourself more than to tolerate such behavior from him, to discover why you have spent 6 years in an unhealthy relationship). In kindness, as an older woman, I am saying that the relationship is very unbalanced and unhealthy. Love may be established between you, but there are many other issues in the way of it being a productive, healthy love.

Get proactive, young friend. What we accept in life is what we get in life. I know you have hopes of him changing, but there honestly are changes you have to make also. Yes, he has some major, major issues. However, the fact that you have been with him in these conditions for quite a while suggests that you do, also. Honey, I am not criticizing or ragging on you. Truly. I am simply looking at the situation as an older, more experienced woman. It took me many, many months to taper off narcotics. It was as much hard work for my husband as it was for me. After 35 years of marriage, there was no question in his mind that he would work alongside me... but then again, 35 years together through thick and thin pretty much quarantees that. 6 years of pretty much thin only for you... how much do you want to invest in this relationship? Is this truly someone you want to spend your life with? Perhaps have as a father to children? Please, do get proactive here and seek help with the answers to the many questions on the burner here.

With all best wishes
reach

 
Old 01-07-2008, 10:54 AM   #8
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Re: I need to understand

Thanks for that reply, I didn't take it offensively. It's the truth. He does have a lot of past issues. He grew up with abusive drug addicted parents and holds a lot of resentment towards them. Afterall they are the ones who introduced him to drugs, alcohol etc. He has battled with severe depression for years. Attempted suicide when he was younger. You are correct. There are a lot of issues there.

He signed himself out at 7am this morning and came home saying that he was unhappy with the treatment he was recieving that they kept giving him a cup full of pills that were making him so high that he was "falling asleep during meetings" and he told the doc that he wanted suboxen and the doctor refused to put him on that program. He did make a meeting this morning when he got home (and found out that his best friend in AA died last night from a heart attack) He is making one again tonight and follows up with his family doctor tomorrow. He really wants to stay sober. He's been in and out of AA for years. He stopped going because they were giving him steroids in the meetings and he said that all these people who pretend to be sober and good people are running gambling rings and prostitution. So he just got disgusted. I admit that I was actually glad when he left AA because everytime i've met someone he knew from the meetings they either completely ignored me or were extremely rude to me. If thats what he feels like he needs to do to keep sober though thats fine with me.

It is a big decision to make and You are also right that I do have my own issues. Probably some that I don't even realize. I have my own depression to deal with and frankly im getting tired of the whole world revolving around his problems and no one ever helping me out with mine.

 
Old 01-07-2008, 06:49 PM   #9
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Re: I need to understand

Hi

Sigh. This is, as Jules has written, a time of sorrow for us on the board to see someone suffering. It is hard when we can look at a situation more objectively than the one suffering in it because sometimes the words we write can hurt. The AA meetings... there are so many available... there well might be some court-ordered scammers in some meetings, but there are so many meetings available all over the place. Don't like one group? Try another one. One of the best premises of AA is

Grant me the serenity to
1) change the things I can
2) accept those I can not
3) and the wisdom to know the difference.

These words are so worthwhile for everyone in every situation. While they may have been created with the alcoholic in mind, they would serve us all well implanted deep into our hearts and minds. We can only change ourselves, we can not change others, and we need to act accordingly if we really accept the wisdom to know the difference. Can you work on changing yourself? Sure you can. Smiles. Working out what is unhappy and unhealthy in you. Can you change the boyfriend? Nope. Sad smiles. You can encourage him and care about him, but only he can implement changes in himself. Are you willing to accept that difference?

We go around in this world but once. One shot at it. How can we fly when we willingly allow another to have our wings? When a relationship is working, both partners should be soaring. So, I guess I ask you... are you soaring? Do you see soaring in your future according to your present? When you find the wisdom to know and accept whatever your own answwer is, then you will now what to do.

As painful as it is for you, we grow through pain. Nobody wants it, but we do grow from it. Respect your own thoughts and feelings in this and in every avenue of your life. Do not accept from others less than you are worth... and, Friend, you are of great value. Great value. Know it and believe it.

With hope
reach

 
Old 01-07-2008, 06:57 PM   #10
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Re: I need to understand

hey reach, how did you find all this wisdom??

 
Old 01-08-2008, 07:14 AM   #11
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Re: I need to understand

Old age, Jules, old age.

Chuckles
reach

PS I have also grown through a lot of pain. Smiles.

 
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